Dedicated to Annaplanthara because she's one of my best friends and annoys the hell out of me but I love her.

5

The summer ended faster than I could imagine and my thoughts for him were ineffable like the way I felt.

When September came and the hot days of beaches and heat waves came to a gradual short, I no longer had to endure my work of solecism every day. Instead, I returned to school, class after class and this became my routine for a while. It came to a point where I surrendered and let the thoughts of him fill my mind.

I was sitting down at the coffee shop, my work in front of me. Genevieve was across from me, the sound of the keyboard clicking was more aggravating rather than the sound of disturbing elevator music playing from the speaker over our table. I sighed, dropping my pencil lightly. "G, put your phone on silent. I can't concentrate."

She did as I asked, her eyes stuck on the screen before her. "I forgot how irritated you can be."

"Thanks for remembering." I mumbled, picking my pencil up again and proceeding to continue with my work.

I was interrupted a second time. Genevieve had finally looked up from her phone, only to lean towards me. "Stephen."

"What about him?" I mumbled, trying to ignore the beating in my chest that seemed to get louder and louder at each second. It was like a drum that someone was hitting got harder and harder each time like they wanted the rhythm to consume me.

"He's right there. With another woman." She said incredulously.

I didn't turn around. I simply continued my work. All I wanted to do was my work but Genevieve wouldn't have it. She stared at me with disbelief written all over her face. "How are you not bothered by this? He's your man, is he not?"

I took a sip of my coffee because answering. "No. He never was."

"Was? You're meaning to tell me that every single hook up you two had where I could hear you screaming from my room and your bed banging into my fucking wall was all for a summer fling? A simple 'friends with benefits' scenario?"

I held the cup to my lips, trying not to let the reality of what I felt for Stephen come to life. He was behind me possibly kissing another woman and possibly going to have sex with her right after they left. I wouldn't be surprised. Our story started without a purpose and although I knew that the ending wasn't my way, it would still be captivating enough to be heard from his lips.

"You can call it that." I said, drinking the coffee once more.

Genevieve must've heard my tone because her facial features morphed into empathy. Empathy I didn't need. "Ju-"

"I'm going to the bathroom." Just when I said those last words, I stood up on my feet only to be hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. Genevieve took notice and she was quick to act, grabbing my arm and sitting me back down.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a little bit dizzy."

Genevieve sat down, choosing her next couple of words carefully. "Ever since that day... where you-"

"Almost drowned?"

"Yeah. You've been a little off."

"How?"

"The headaches you've been getting, the way you're getting light-headed and dizzy. Not to mention how you're barely able to put your attention to one thing."

"That's not true."

Genevieve sighed and by her tone I had realized that she was only looking out for the best in me. "Juliana, it's just things I have been noticing. Maybe you should see a doctor or something."

"Maybe." I bit my lip, holding onto my cup. "Can we change the subject?"

Genevieve looked slightly annoyed by my blunt question but she proceeded to move onto a topic I didn't want to continue. "Okay, back to Stephen. You wanted this. Him. I could tell. I thought for sure you two were at least a thing. Hell, for all I knew I thought you were in love with him."

Love.

"I've only known him for two months," I told her, my eyes on the table and my legs crossed underneath. "Love is not what it was."

"Then what happened?" She pried. That was her nature, she was as nosey as I was. I figured that was what made her and I such good friends.

"He didn't want commitment."

"Every man says that until they find the one they should be with."

"He doesn't want to commit, G. I'm not going to be the one to suddenly change the views on his life just by walking into it."

"Although you are unobtrusive, there was something about you that led that man to sleep with you."

"And there was something else that made that man fuck his ex-girlfriend while he was with me and only God knows who else. I get it. It's not like we had any agreement for us to only fool around with each other. We're human beings. We can do as we please. Before me, he would be with different women. I just so happened to last two months."

"This looks like it's killing you."

"It's not."

"Really? Because he walked in only a couple minutes ago and you still haven't turned around to look at him. Your posture is completely stiff and you haven't relaxed it since I told him you entered the place." 

I sipped my coffee once again, not meeting her eyes. I was apprehensive about the situation. My mind was telling me to stay in this seat and don't cause a commotion. My foolish heart was telling me to go after him like idiot already knowing he can't give me anything. Stephen was not a monster, I realized. He was honest and told me his intentions. It didn't make him a bad person.

To Genevieve, this might be a little hard to get through to her.

"There's a guy two tables down staring at you. Go talk to him." I told her, almost pleading to change the topic. She was stubborn and I knew that if I distracted her enough she would let the subject go.

She looked by the side, easily captured by the change of conversation. She assessed him with her eyes and her regular attitude changed in a matter of seconds as she got up and walked over to him. As my friend since the start of university in first year, I learned that she came across as the type to extemporize. She improvised with what she was given and could put up a good act especially when it came to men. Her natural demeanor proved her to be outgoing, all smiles character that she claimed to be in high school. But she could be innocent looking one moment and sultry and seductive the next.

When she was already sitting down at the table, tossing her hair over her shoulder I wasn't surprised.

But the action of looking at her, made my perspective shift when I saw movement on the other side. Stephen had risen, confidence in his walk. He kept his eyes on the woman in front of him. Her hair was in voluminous curls and pretty Latina features were evident along with her curvy body. I bit back a spike of jealously, watching him converse with her as they were making their way out.

He held a drink in his hand. As if he knew I was watching him, his head turned my way, his eyes locking onto mine. He held my gaze for a clear moment, his eyes dark and tentative. His eyes shifted to the woman that was still talking to him before looking back at me, almost as if he was contemplating on who to choose.

I didn't let him choose.

I turned around in my chair, took a sip of my drink and began to continue my work.