He leaned back in his seat and opened the notebook. "You cannot hold yourself responsible for a decision he made. What happened in the days following his death?"

She rubbed her temple, trying to navigate her way back through the harsh memories, finding the pain and anguish wash back over her.

"It's a bit of a haze. I think everyone was trying to make sense of what happened. It had been so sudden, it left everyone reeling for a long time."

"You were dating Karsyn at the time?" His eyes lifted from the notebook to meet hers.

She nodded. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"What impact did it have on your relationship with him?"

There was a moment of hesitation. "It ceased to exist for him from that moment on."

He frowned. "Can you explain?"

She linked her hands, feeling a need to keep them from fidgeting. "He was so quiet that night and in the days that followed. He was in shock, and no one could seem to snap him out of it. I feel like I lost two brothers that night: Dylan and the Karsyn who loved me."

"He never explained himself?"

She shook her head gently. "He never said anything." He had just cut her off without any explanation.

It had been so confusing for her and for a while she had believed she had done something wrong to bring it on.

"Why do you believe that happened?"

She shrugged. "I didn't understand his actions at the time but later he told me it was because as the eldest brother he felt a responsibility toward his younger brothers. He felt he failed Dylan, but that night I think we all feel we failed him in some way."

Dr. Reed frowned. "You believe his guilt made him pull away from you?"

"I don't know." Maybe she had been too wrapped up in her own guilt to see the guilt he was carrying. "I think the only person who can answer that question is him."

"How did his treatment of you make you feel?"

She let out a heavy breath. "It was devastating." She pressed the tissue to the tear that squeezed out the side of her eye. "I was reeling, dealing with so much guilt. And it felt like someone had pulled the rug from under me." Her chest ached. "I felt truly alone."

Dr. Reed nodded understandingly.

"What about Myles?"

Her throat clogged up. "He was so subdued. He didn't talk to anyone."

"Everyone has different ways of dealing with grief."

She didn't want to talk about it anymore. Making herself go back to the worst place in her past revived all those feelings of guilt, grief and regret. But with those feelings came the anger at how Karsyn had treated her. After everything they had been through, she didn't want to feel that way toward him again, but it didn't take away the renewed hurt.

"How did Mr. Shaw handle it?"

From that day on there had been such sadness in his eyes, in the slump of his shoulders. He had lost a son and nothing eased the burden of it.

"I can't," she whispered. "I can't talk about it anymore."

Her chest felt like it would burst from holding all the emotions from the past and present.

He checked his watch and closed his notebook. "We'll continue with this next week."

She nodded and stood, feeling relieved the session was over. She let out a breath.

She left his office feeling like she had been going around in a tumble dryer for the last hour. On the outside she felt bruised, on the inside she was raw. She was barely fighting off the next wave of tears when she made it to her car.

Gripping the steering wheel, she began to sob and eventually lowered her forehead to lean against it as she fought her way through the renewed pain. She was struggling to draw in a breath. All she could feel was the overwhelming grief and the guilt that had plagued her since that night.

How was this supposed to help her? Having to relive it through her session with Dr. Reed had only made the pain she was trying to find a way to live with worse. After a few minutes of quiet tears, she took a shaky breath.

She had made plans to go out with Hannah, but she wasn't sure it was a good idea now.

Even when she opened the door to her apartment, she felt so tired and emotionally wrought. She managed to walk over to the sofa, drop her keys on the table and slump down in the seat. For a few moments she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath.

An image of Dylan as clear as day formed in her mind, followed by flashes of the aftermath of his suicide. Images of Karsyn and Myles struggling with the news. Her own guilt rose like an imaginary hand closing around her throat, making it more difficult to breath.

Inhaling quickly, she opened her eyes to pull herself free.

For a while she drifted around her tiny apartment, trying to work her way through the maze of emotions. She debated whether it was a good decision to go out with Hannah, but the thought of staying home, alone with only her thoughts, held much less appeal.

For the first time the size of her place began to feel suffocating. She paced the living room trying to figure out how to deal with her unwanted emotions.

A knock at the door stopped her mini panic. She felt a moment of apprehension as she wasn't expecting anyone.

When she didn't immediately answer it, there was another knock. More insistent. Cautiously she approached the door.

"Who is it?" she asked, trying to push herself up onto her tiptoes to be able to see through the peephole.

"It's me. Open up, Jess." Karsyn.

She stopped. What was he doing here?

Apprehensively she approached the door that separated them. He had never been to her apartment before, how did he know where she lived?

"Jess?"

Her hand rested on the handle, but she felt hesitant. Reliving the past through her session with Dr. Reed had brought up all the feelings of anger and frustration at how he had treated her. It was more difficult to open her door and smile like she hadn't been going through their breakup for a second time just hours before.

"Jess. Let me in." He could sense her reluctance. He used that firm voice that made her bristle.

Who was he to walk in and out of her life when he felt like it?

Gripping the handle, she breathed through the fog of the past and opened the door.

The sight of Karsyn looking concerned pulled her back to the present where they had made some peace even when the remnants of their past clung to her as a reminder.

"You okay?" he asked when she didn't immediately invite him in.

She blinked, feeling the familiar affection for him surface, and she smiled. "Yeah."

When she stepped back, he entered, and she watched his face as he surveyed it.

"It's nice," he murmured when his gaze rested on the photo of him and his brothers. "I got your address from Charlie."

"It's not big but it's home." She shrugged, biting her lip. She felt nervous at his opinion of the space she called home.

"How are you?" His eyes fixed on her.

She shrugged. "Fine."

He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"What?"

"Charlie told me you stopped going to therapy."

She frowned. "He called you to tell you that?" Where they her friends or her parole officers? At this point she wasn't sure.

"No." He shook his head. "I called him to check on you."

That didn't make his statement any easier to take.

"I'm fine, Karsyn. I don't need you and Charlie breathing down my neck." She turned her back and stalked over to the window.

Karsyn let out a heavy sigh. "I was just worried. That's all. After everything you've been through, I didn't want you to throw away everything you've worked so hard to achieve."

She pressed her lips together and crossed her arms, refusing to turn to acknowledge him.

"Jess?" The whisper of his voice reached a part of her she couldn't stop from responding to him. Even after so long, without the closeness they had shared before, he could still reach her like no one else.

"I won't have you and Charlie watching my every move. I know you guys care but I can't live like this." She finally turned to face him. "You need to concentrate on yourself, and Charlie needs to get his life back on track. Out of the three of us I think I'm doing the best."

A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. "You're probably right."