Adelaide

Two weeks later, I'm at Sophia's house for a sleepover with Jacey and Nadira. It's our first sleepover of the year and I'm supposed to be having fun and chatting with them, but I keep glancing at my phone that's resting on the coffee table. Justin's in Vancouver this weekend getting an MRI. The day after he told me everything, Helene managed to contact BC Children's Hospital and discuss Justin getting another MRI. And it worked out for them fairly well. This time around, he only had to miss yesterday's classes instead of a full week of school. I don't know why they needed him to come down to Vancouver – he could've gotten it done in Kelowna and the results could've been sent down there – but at least something's happening.

After our conversation, my mind was going a million kilometres an hour. While I feel terrible that he's had to go through all this, I can't stop myself from being exceedingly proud of him for getting through it. He could have turned to so many other options, but he didn't. He stayed strong.

Although I know he's strong enough to get through this appointment, that doesn't dilute my anxiousness. He called me as soon as yesterday's appointment was over, telling me how it went and well, let's just say his story differs greatly from my dad's about getting an MRI. Long story short, Justin is not allergic to the contrast like Dad is and the appointment went fine. He said his hearing is a little funny, but assured me that it will go away after a couple days. I totally understood. MRIs use magnets – I can't imagine what they do to your body.

Now, I'm waiting for another call from Justin. Today, they were supposed to get the results. The appointment wasn't until 3:30 p.m. It's now 6:00 p.m. and although I understand he might need some time to adapt to whatever results the doctors presented him with, I'm still anxious for him. This whole situation is an oxymoron – something that contradicts itself. On one hand, if the tumour is growing back then at least there's a reason behind why his seizures are getting worse. That said, the tumour growing back will lead to him needing another surgery. On the other hand, no tumour means no invasive surgery, but it does mean there's an unknown reason for the worsening seizures.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when a ketchup chip hits me right in the face. "Earth to Addie!" Sophia says.

I blink rapidly. "What? Sorry?"

The three girls stare at me as my cousin says, "It's your turn."

"Oh," I reply, shaking my head. "Sorry." Picking up the dice, I roll all five of them, hoping I can get the right number of sixes I need in order to gain the bonus points. I feel a little guilty. I know for a fact that Sophia and Jacey hate playing Yahtzee, yet they're mucking their way through a game and I'm barely paying attention.

I roll three sixes, one three, and one two.

"Where's your head tonight?" Sophia asks me after I've carelessly flicked the three sixes to the side.

I glance up from remaining dice, pondering whether or not I should tell them about Justin. He said I could – the epilepsy part, at least. I can understand why he wouldn't want a word spoken about his dad. I wouldn't either. It's disgraceful and humiliating.

I love my friends – I really do. But I don't know if they can completely understand Justin's circumstances and accept them without making a case as to why I shouldn't date someone like him.

Sighing, I decide it's probably best to tell them. If Justin is over, along with any of my friends, and he were to have a seizure, they wouldn't know what to do. And I don't want him being rushed to the hospital unless absolutely necessary. "Justin's in Vancouver," I begin.

"Yeah, you told us that yesterday when we asked where he was," Jacey replies.

"He's visiting family members, right?" Nadira asks.

I begin to pick at my nail polish. I'm not worried about them judging me or anything like that – Justin is my boyfriend and it's a decision I will never regret making. I'm worried about them judging him. "No," I say slowly. "He's, um, having an MRI done."

The room goes dead quiet. Even Sophia has looked up from her back-and-forth texting with Zander. "What?" my cousin asks.

I sigh and set down the plastic red cup. "Promise me none of you are going to freak when I tell you this?" I eye them carefully.

They all nod.

"Okay, well, um, Justin was diagnosed with a brain tumour a few years back that had been causing partial and tonic-clonic seizures; he has epilepsy. And though the doctors say they got it all out, we have this hypothesis that they might not have. The seizures keep getting worse and stuff – that's why we missed the Winter Formal. So he's at BC Children's Hospital getting an MRI to see if the tumour is growing back or not and his appointment was yesterday and I'm freaking out because he hasn't called me yet. I really need to know what's happening with him."

The girls stare at me for a long moment after I've finished revealing the truth with nothing but their poker faces. I can't tell what they're thinking or feeling at this moment. I can only hope they don't judge Justin.

Sophia is the first one to speak. "Well...that explains a lot," she says slowly, setting her phone down. "Do these...what did you call them? Partial seizures?"

I nod.

"Do they involve him staring blankly, kind of like he's zoning out? And sometimes making weird noises?"

I nod again.

She leans back in her chair. "Huh. That explains a lot. Doesn't make him as weird as I thought."

I let loose a breath I didn't know I was holding in. No matter what my friends thought, I would still stick beside Justin. It would just make things tense if they suddenly didn't like him. I'd have to split time between them and that's something I'm not very keen on doing.

"So you guys don't mind?"

Jacey shrugs. "Justin's a nice guy and he's actually pretty funny. I like him."

"I agree," Nadira says. "I mean, sometimes he's standoffish, but now that we know about his condition, everything makes sense. That aside, he's sweet and he took a lot of interest in what was like in India and our culture; he's thoughtful. And he makes you happy."

"So you guys don't think he's something I should avoid?" I blurt before I can stop myself.

If it offends any of them, they don't show it. Sophia reaches out and squeezes my hand. "If you think you're the only one who wants to be like your parents, you're mistaken. My mom and dad never left Uncle Brett and Aunty Mira's sides when they went through what they did. Mom and Dad were the support they needed; they didn't let the amnesia or the serious infection stop them from sticking with the people they love." Sophia pauses. "Okay, I don't love Justin like you do, but I do like him a lot. I regret what I said about him being weird. If I had known...I wouldn't have said it."

"Yeah, but you still said it, Soph." The words come out a little snottier than I intended, but I don't care. She still called him weird. "We're all weird – I still bite my nails when I'm nervous, Dad is still scared of hospitals, you snore when you sleep, and – "

"Those are all normal things," Jacey points out.

"Exactly my point," I reply. "Justin is a normal person with one weird thing happening to him. People fight cancer and they get all this attention; people say how brave they are and how strong they are mentally for going through all the treatments. Like it's a normal thing. If someone tells you they're fighting cancer, they instantly get sympathy. You say you have epilepsy, and people push you away. Just like me – just like anyone who has never had a brush with epilepsy before, you don't understand how hard it is for someone to fight their way through it. At least with some cancers, you can fight and win. With epilepsy, you're constantly fighting. Justin constantly fights. He fights depression, embarrassment, the lack of control, utter disappointment, loneliness." I take a deep breath and shake my head. "You didn't even know Justin when you called him that. You shouldn't have said it to begin with. He's not weird, Sophs. He's amazing and I wish I could be as strong as him."

All three of them stare at me, wide-eyed, lips slightly parted. To be honest, I'm a little shocked with myself too. I've always had my own voice, but I've never been this vocal.

"I'm sorry," Sophia finally says. "Really. I know I shouldn't have said anything."

I stare at her for a moment. She really does look sorry, her eyes full of regret. The same goes for Jacey. And I'm not concerned about Nadira – she's been supporting my relationship since the beginning.

Exhaling, I nod my head. "Fine. Okay. Good. Sorry. I get defensive."

"Yeah, we can see that," Jacey mutters.

"So Justin's waiting for the results?" Nadira asks, changing the subject completely and neutralizing the tenseness.

"Yes," I nod, shooting her a sympathetic look. "He had the MRI yesterday. I'm trying to keep my attitude positive and make myself think that everything went okay, but the longer I go without hearing from him, the harder it is."

"It'll be okay," Nadira says, resting her hand on my wrist. "Even if he doesn't get the results he wants. Something good will always come out of something bad."

I smile at her weakly.

I'm just about to say something to Jacey and Sophia that will hopefully clear the remaining tenseness I'm still feeling, when my phone goes off.

I scramble for it.

"Hello?" I ask a little breathlessly.

"Hey," Justin replies. "What's up?"

I point to my phone and mouth Justin at my friends. They all nod, so I take that as my cue to leave the room so I can talk to him in private. I head to the mudroom. It's a weird place to go, but there's a bench to sit on, which is good enough for me. Besides, the downstairs is currently being renovated and I have a feeling the girls will walk in on my conversation if I were to go upstairs.

"I'm at Sophia's house with the girls. A sleepover."

"Nice," he replies.

"So?" I press. "How did it go?"

Justin's silent on the other end for several seconds. And with each on that passes, the knots in my stomach become tighter. I'm torn between which results I want. There are pros and cons to each. Although I hate it, I will admit I'm hoping the tumour is growing back. It's terrible, I know. I don't want him going through another surgery, but if that's the price he has to pay to have a chance at fighting this and winning, then so be it. It'll be hard, I know, but I'll be there for him and so will his mom and Chris and my parents. It'll be different than the last time.

But I'm also hoping it's not growing back.

Dang. I hate these contradictory feelings.

On the other side, Justin sighs. "You were right."

Thank God I'm sitting down or else I might have fallen over at the news. I run a hand through my hair and loosen the breath I had been holding in. "Justin," I say softly, "I am so sorry."

He sniffles, and my heart lurches. I wish I was there to comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be okay. I know I can do that over the phone, but it's not the same as being face-to-face. Justin lets out a strangled chuckle. "You know what they said to me?"

"What?" I ask.

"They said they were 'going to fix the mistake they made,'" he replies, disbelief saturating his voice. "Fix the mistake. They went in there looking for just the tumour and didn't bother to check the surrounding area to see if it had spread."

By the end, Justin sounds more than mildly upset and I can completely understand why. If the doctors had done their job, he could have had a life. He could be driving. He could have a job and be worrying about his education instead of always being wary of the possibility of an oncoming seizure.

He could have had a life.

"That's awful," I reply. The words seem too simple, but I'm so shocked it's all I can really say.

"I know," he sighs in defeat. "But we can't focus on that anymore. All it's going to do is make me miserable."

His sigh ignites another thought. He's going to need surgery again. I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling the tears begin to burn. "It's going to be okay," I whisper.

"On..." Justin trails off, and I hear him sniffle. "On the day it's scheduled for, will you come with me, Addie? I need you there with me."

I nod, wiping at the tears. "Yes – Yes, I'll come with you. I mean, I'll have to ask my mom and dad first, but I'm sure they'll allow me to come."

"Okay," he breathes.

"Justin?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"This might sound twisted, but try and consider this a good thing. At least you know there's a cause, that you still have a chance at winning."

"You sound like my mom," he mutters. I can totally picture him rolling his eyes and smiling, trying to visually show his disapproval but ultimately failing.

I laugh through the tears. "Well, great minds think alike."

"Addie," he says softly. "I don't think I can do this again. What if..." he trails off and sniffles again. "What if the surgery works, but only for a month or two and I'm stuck with that heart-wrenching disappointment again?"

More than ever, I wish I was there to hug him, cry with him, comfort him. I want us to be at my house, sitting beside the fire and drinking tea while we discuss this. "I don't know, Justin," I say. "But the best thing you can do is try. What have you got to lose? I know that sounds rude, but you don't need to worry about losing a job or anything like that. And you certainly don't need to worry about losing me or your mom or any of the other people that support you. You've done this once, you can do it again. I will do whatever I can to be there for you. I will stay with you. We can fight this together." I pause. "Well, you'll do most of the fighting, but I'll stick with you. I promise."

"Thanks, Addie," he says shakily.

"I love you, Justin. Nothing's going to change that."

Though he's definitely crying – I can tell by the sound of his voice – I can also tell that he's smiling. "I love you, too, Addie. Now go have fun with your friends. Mom and I will be back tomorrow night. I'll call you then or maybe you can stop by."

"Okay," I whisper, wiping my eyes again. I can't seem to stop the tears no matter how hard I try.

With that, we say our goodbyes, and I'm left wishing I was with Justin. He needs me more than ever and I'm not there. I should have stayed on the phone with him longer, talked more. But I know Justin – he doesn't want to ruin my night.

Getting up, I wipe away the remaining tears and harness my emotions. I can do this. I can clear my mind until morning. When I get home, I'll talk to Mom and Dad about this. About how my boyfriend needs to have another invasive surgery.

I step back into the living room just as the girls are getting ready to head up the stairs.

I want to play the part, be as strong as Justin, but as soon as I make eye contact with Sophia and I see her face change from happy to sympathetic, I break.

And I feel ridiculous for crying when I'm not the one going through it, but it's still affecting me. I hate seeing Justin have to tackle another problem where I can only sit on the sidelines and support him. I want to do more than be there for him. But I can't.

It hurts my heart.

Sophia's hugging me before I know it. "It's going to be okay, Addie," my cousin whispers. "But cry. Let it all out."

So I do.

Oh, God, I do.