The breakfast bar is filled with uncomfortable silence as my mom, Flinette and I all sit down for breakfast. I can't really remember when last we all sat down like this, it feels weird and it makes me want to run away to my room, my safe haven.

"Eat" my mom says, Flinette and I automatically pick up our forks like we were being controlled and begin to dig into the waffles.

I take a hesitant bite and I feel my throat getting tighter as I chew, I couldn't hold myself back when the first drop of hot tears slid down my face and then followed by another and many more. It hurt like hell to be seating here eating my mom's waffles when the last time I had them were three years ago before the accident.

I can't believe the first time I cry in a while is because of some damn waffles, I sniff and it gets my mom's attention, she looks at me with an apologetic look and it makes my heart feel heavier. I drop my fork by my plate, unable to eat anymore because every time I swallow it feels like something hot is rolling down my throat, I clear my throat as the burning sensation still lingers even after drinking half a cup of water.

I stand up awkwardly from my seat and my mom looks at me while I avoid her gaze because I don't want to see any negative emotion in her face that might be directed towards me.

I pick my bag from the back of my chair, "where are you going?" my mom asks as she looks at my plate stacked with uneaten waffles.

"I—I.... I need to go" I stutter and dash out of the house. I run to the bus stop and hail a taxi cab. I give the driver directions to the old abandoned church near the edge of town.

I take in a deep breath as I alight the car and smell the musky air of old wood that I really love. I open the gate that makes a weird noise and causes me to jump slightly.

I remember how much I loved coming here with my mom when this church wasn't abandoned and Father Peter was still alive. Those days after service were the best for me even though I can't really remember what his sermons sounded like.

He would always sit me on his lap and feed me cookies nonstop while asking how my week was and if he was more handsome than my daddy now after eating a fresh cookie. I would always tell him that my dad was more handsome because unlike his, my dad's hair wasn't white and his skin wasn't saggy.

When he died I still remember crying hard and wishing I had told him he was more handsome and that maybe if I had done so then he wouldn't have died in his sleep. Back then my mom would always hug me whenever I remembered him and then she would sing me to sleep while rubbing my hair and telling me that Father Peter is now an angel in heaven and he is constantly watching over me.

I miss my mom of those days, the woman who taught me forgiveness but didn't waste a second before turning her back on me, the woman who would smile at me but for the past years couldn't stand the sight of my face.

"What are you doing here?" Jordan asks from behind me and I jump and scream as his voice and presence catches me off guard.

I don't say anything and just keep walking towards the church building, I can't believe he thought of coming here.

"Jossie wait up" he calls as he jogs behind me. I pretend like he isn't even here and keep walking but he grabs my hand and prevents me from going anywhere.

"What do you want?" I ask

"I wanted to apologize" he says solemnly.

"Why?" I ask, "did I ask for an apology?"

"I just wanted to apologize"

"Well I didn't ask for one so I don't need it" I say and attempt to turn away but his firm grip on my hand keeps me in place.

"Can you let go?"

"Can you please just listen to me" he asks exasperatedly.

"Why should I when you never cared to listen to me even once?" I say and I would have loved to cross my hands but one of them is currently under captivity.

"I made mistakes Jossie"

"No shit Sherlock" I say deadpan. I came here to think and I don't need this kind of distraction when my mind is already a mess, "Why are you trying to apologize now?"

"You didn't want to believe your best friend of twelve years and instead chose to believe the girl who you've known for only three years" I yank my hand from his grip finally, "after all that you've done so far I think we can both agree that an apology is no longer relevant because we no longer have that relationship where we mean anything to each other" I take two cautionary steps back, "I don't care to know what's going on with you and Renae so I don't expect you to tell me anything, our friendship is way beyond repair and it may seem cruel but I am happy that you have some sort of guilt to bear because maybe then it will help you to be better to whomsoever is unfortunate to befriend you in the future"

I turn on my heels and march into the chapel, I slam the door shut behind me and walk towards the second row of seats. I sit at the edge and reminisce about how I used to sit here and smile wildly at Father Peter whenever he would walk past the rows of seats, he would always smile back at me and sometimes even pat me on the head.

I stand up slowly and walk up the stairs that lead to where Father Peter would always sit during service while the choir sung, I sat on the seat and curled myself into a ball, in hopes that I would feel the warmth that I used to when I'd sit on his lap on this seat and listen to him telling me tales about demons he encountered during his missionary days.

I stayed curled up for a while before noticing the confession booth on the second floor, I unfold myself from the seat and walk slowly up the stairs while trailing my fingers along the dusty railing.

I look at the door of the confession room fondly because I had always dreamed of seating inside it and confessing to Father Peter about the first kiss I would have in the future. I open the door which falls off one of it's hinges and now hangs weirdly.

I don't bother to clean the seat and just settle myself into it, I clear my throat awkwardly as I try to remember how the sisters confessed in the past, "Forgive me father for I have sinned"

I hear the voice of Father Peter in my head telling me to speak because the Lord forgives all those who come to him with a repentant heart.

"I'm not sure I'm worthy of forgiveness because of all the horrible things I have done, and if you were still here then you would have been ashamed to have known me" a tear drop slides down my cheek, "I don't know where the kind and loving Josephine went, and I don't know how to bring her back, I've tried so many times to do what you always thought me by forgiving them but each time I try they always ruin it and the anger I had tried to suppress always resurfaces and I become a demon who feeds on peoples pain and anguish"

"It all seems like an excuse, blaming my anger on others when you've always told me that I can choose to let go of it all and find peace, I guess I thought the best way to deal with my demons was to become one myself and it totally ruined me" more tears stream down my face, "I just want to go back... I want to go back to when my only worries were stopping Flinette from stealing my waffles when I wasn't looking and when my Sunday's were filled with you telling me stories and feeding me cookies nonstop because you knew how much I liked Sister Anna's baking"

The tears stream down my face harder and I can't control myself anymore, "I wish my kidneys were a match for Adaira because then my dad wouldn't have made such a foolish decision and would still be here with me and just maybe I wouldn't have come to this abandoned church and met Jordan, maybe dad would have taken the promotion he was offered and we would have moved to New York and then I wouldn't have met Renae and my baby sis wouldn't be comatose"

I put my head in my hands and cry, I can't remember the last time it was just me and my honest emotions, "I'm- I'm just tired of it all up to the extent that sometimes I wish I was never born"

*

*

*

I check my reflection on my phone screen once more in order to make sure that it isn't evident that I had been crying for almost two hours, I dozed off mid cry and only woke up when Flinette called and yelled at me to get my ass over to practice.

"Are you getting out of the car or not?" Flinette snaps as she stares impatiently at me.

"Geez, no need to get all dramatic with me" I say and slam the door as I get out.

"Dramatic?" Flinette explains, "I've not even begun because if I were to be dramatic then you would need to explain to me why you've been more absent from school than present"

"Well then thank the heavens" I say sarcastically and walk into our living room. The first thing that hits me as I walk in is the smell of muffins that envelopes our living room. My stomach growls and my feet begin to move towards the kitchen and I stop at the doorway and take in my mom wearing an apron with both her hands deep in the batter and two trays of muffin cooling on the kitchen counter.

"You're back" mom says as she looks up from her baking and sees Flinette and I standing by the doorway, "Help yourselves, I made a lot"

I walk slowly to the tray and slowly reach for one that is iced with my favorite colour, I take a tentative bite and a smile etches itself on my face as Flinette also does the same.

"Do you like it?" My mom asks and I nod my head as she tells me to chew slowly or else I'll choke.

*

*

I don't know how I managed to still make it in time for school because I woke up late and my mom wouldn't allow Flinette and I leave without having breakfast which is something we hardly did for the past 3 years.

I arrive five minutes to the bell ringing and it's not enough time for me to get to my locker, unpack and pick my books, catch up with Shantele on all that happened yesterday when I ditched school, and then go to class which is down the hall.

As I pick my necessary books I decide that I would just have to skip talking to Shantele and instead head straight to class because apparently we have a test today and we are supposed to be in class before the test starts, it makes me already dread today and it hasn't even fully started.

I close my locker and start jogging in my boots to the end of our needlessly long hallway, I spot Micheal in a classroom close to mine, I look at him for a while and my heart begins to beat faster and my stomach has become a tangle of nerves. I don't want to see him right now cause I'm still a bit wary of him, I don't know why I still feel wary of someone I already like and have kissed so many times.

I look at my watch and see that I have two minutes left before the bell goes off, I see a girl walk up to Micheal and sit beside him while chatting animatedly with him. The thought of ripping her hair out and running my acrylic nails across her face crosses my mind but I decide that now is not the time for such petty thoughts since he isn't even mine and I'm still a bit wary of his presence.

I don't know why I'm still wary of him after the kiss we had and him showing how much I drive him crazy, but I guess after the drama with Jordan, Renae and Shaze I'm still finding it hard to be completely trusting of a lot of things in my life. I shake my head and jog the remaining distance to my classroom.

I place my pencil case and the necessary items I needed for the test on my desk and wait for the test to start, the teacher walks in and as she scans the students in the classroom her eyes land on me.

"Miss Anderson" she says, "I need a minute to speak with you outside"

My stomach churns as I think of possible negative outcomes for the conversation we're about to have, what if she's here to tell me that something bad has happened to Adaira or Flinette got into an accident, or I'm getting expelled from school because the board of directors have finally wised up and decided to deal with all bullies.

"Miss Anderson" the teacher who's name has something to do with a fruit starts, "You used to be a bright student in fact my favorite student at a certain point and all of a sudden everything is looking slanted"

I look down at my feet in shame, in the pursuit of revenge I put a spot on my academic excellence well minus algebra, we never got along well.

"I really want the best for you and I don't want you to regret any decisions so I'm going to give you an offer"

I look at her, surprised that she's not scolding me and her voice doesn't sound distasteful like I disappointed her and she now doesn't care about me anymore.

"Starting from this evening I am going to give you private tutoring lessons so that you can catch up with all that you've been ditching since we resumed and you will attend or else I will let all this appear on your record.

I try to speak but I realize that doing that would only make me cry because my throat is already getting tight so I nod my head as many times as I can and she pats my back and we both walk back into the classroom.

*

The test is over and so is my social life and any future plans of ditching class or school because if I did that then my spotless record so far will become tainted with all my errors from the past few months and I don't want that.

Ever since I accidentally stabbed my hand with a plastic fork Shantele hasn't let me feed myself in school, claiming that she's scared I'd accidentally stab myself again. I told her I doubt that would happen again but she said she's not risking it again.

So here I am being spoon fed salad like the big baby I am, while turning my head every time I hear the cafeteria door open. I know I'm not supposed to but I unconsciously keep hoping that Micheal would walk through the door and brighten up my already dull and stress filled day.

The door opens finally and even though I've told myself to stop turning around I still do and my face brightens up when I see Micheal walk through and I'm just about to call him over when the door opens and the girl from this morning in his class is laughing and following him behind at too close a proximity.

I can feel my self-restraint for drama slowly slipping as she begins to look like the beginner version of Renae, I crack my knuckles slowly and stand up from my seat and begin my march towards them.

AN

Nothing much to say except for the fact that I'm sick.

So cheer me up by liking and commenting, it would make me feel a whole lot better than I am right now.

Toodles!!