School, the one place I'm dreading to be in, filled with people who can't wait to see me fall. I hate it here, I hate everyone here, I hate the fact that I'm alive right now after ruining a precious person's life.

I walk to my locker and open it and the first thing I notice is Micheals hoodie. I have cried too many times, I can't afford to do that right now so I push the hoodie deep down into my locker along with all thoughts of him. I dump my bag inside and pick the books I need. We're supposed to be having an Algebra test today, I don't even know if I can take it and pass.

I enter the class and see Vicky and Riley sitting at the front row, they also look at me with expressions of anger, fear and pain. I choose to ignore them and sit at the far back of the class. five minutes to the beginning of class Micheal walks in and I see him look around, preferably to make sure that I'm not wherever he wants to sit.

A small smile plays on my face because today I braided my hair and had on a black hoodie over black jeans. He walked to the back and took a seat beside me. I try not to look at him because I honestly do not want him to bolt when he sees me.

The test begins and our teacher begins to call attendance. It reaches my turn and when he calls and I answer with a loud "here", Micheal jumps in his seat and stare at me shocked before his expression turns to disdain.

He raises his hands and excuses himself calling out an excuse of feeling sick before he walks out of the class. my body begins to shake like a leaf and I feel the burning sensation in my throat alerting me that I am about to cry.

I shake my head multiple times to stop myself from breaking down. He doesn't deserve to make me cry, I shouldn't even be getting close to him, he's breaking my resolve and I won't let anyone do that.

*

The rest of the day passes by in a blur, I hardly contribute to any conversation. Whenever I crossed paths with Micheal, I stuck my nose in the air and passed him without looking him in the eye. If he didn't want to talk to me at all then I would do the same.

I am standing in front of the mirror, double checking my outfit for Renae and I's friendaversary which is today. I am wearing a flower patterned rumper which stops some few inches from my knees with brown boots. I have my hair in a half bun, leaving the rest of my hair to cascade down my back.

I double check the time and make sure I'm not late. I pick my phone and wallet pop it into the pocket of the rumper then grab the wrapped package on my bed and head out. I spot my mom on the couch in our lounge room and I consider telling her of my departure but decide against it and simply walk out of the house and hop into Flinette's car which she allowed me borrow.

*

As soon as I reach the amusement park I see Renae holding a sign board with 'WORLDS BEST BESTIE" written on it. I can't help but smile when I see it and walk towards her before she tosses the sign aside and engulfs me in a hug before whispering, "happy five years Jossie", which I whisper back to her and she grins back at me, a foolish type of grin that she reserves for only me.

She grabs my hand and leads me into the place filled with joy and laughter. An hour later we walk out of a boot with Renae pouting with her arms crossed over her chest, "that old cow cheated me"

"I don't think he did"

"I bet he did!" she says indignatedly and waves her middle finger in the direction of the man who just grins wickedly at her. I laugh and pull her away from there before she starts screaming obscenities that would have our ancestors turning in their graves.

I drag her to the Ferris wheel and pay for our tickets before I dump her ungracefully in the seat. the wheel begins to move and I see Renae's eyes shine with excitement as we look out over at the park and the lights.

Everything looked so perfect from up here, and for once in a long time my inner angry voice that had been shouting bloody murder at me shut up. I feel Renae reach for my hands and squeeze and I squeeze her back.

As we sat there I began to feel doubts creeping up. Was my revenge really necessary, is ruining myself in the process worth it all, after I was done what next?

These thoughts plagued me all the way till the time we came down from the Ferris wheel and were even buying souvenirs' to take back with us. Renae picks out a blue stuffed doll with a key chain attached to it

I poke her in the ribs, "you know that I have enough stuffed toys as is" I say and she laughs before saying it's not for me, 'then who is it for?' I ask?

A blush creeps up her cheeks, "Jordan"

I keep my expression the same as before, "you really like him huh?" I ask and poke her again in her ribs and she jabs me back with her elbow

"I really do" she says and let's out a dreamy sigh. I take in a deep breath, it's probably for the best, I can't keep on holding on to someone who obviously can't ever be mine, most especially when it's clear he's in love with my best friend who it seems also has a soft spot.

"Jossie, I'm sorry" Renae says and I look up at her confused at the sudden confession, "I know you liked him too and I had already promised myself that if he ever approached you and not me I would give up all my feelings for him"

"why are you saying all this now?" I ask her, while I keep repeating to myself in my head 'be strong'

"I noticed how sad you've become ever since Jordan and I started going out and it pains me to think that I'm the cause of it all" She says looking at me with a sorrow filled expression.

Your partly right, but I am not the way I am right now because of that. That would be extremely petty of me if I were, no in fact it's because of something that you did that triggered a chain of bad events in my life.

"it's not because of that" I say, "I have a lot of things going on with me lately" I add and give her a small smile.

My phone makes a sound and I looked at the notification and I could feel the colour drain out of my face as I read it. I looked at Renae who was busy checking out more stuffed toys and I felt anger and pain.

Normally, I would not have received that notification which came from my calendar because I had silenced it long ago but since I got a new phone it skipped my mind to do it.

I start gasping for breath, remembering it all. I need to get out of here, I can't stay here, hearing all these sounds that are constant reminders. Without saying a single word to Renae I turn around and begin to run in the direction of the car park. Once I get into Flinette's car I hit the gas and drive off as fast as I could without thinking to the only person who understood me and the situation

*

I arrive at the doorsteps of Jordans house and ring the doorbell hesitantly and not long after his mom comes to open the door. As soon as she sees me a smile lights up her features and she pulls me in immediately for a hug.

"oh my dear JJ" she begins to coo, "you're so big now, I can't even remember the last time I saw you"

I attempt to say that we saw each other during the summer break but my words only come out muffled and sounding like I'm drowning. She pulls away and starts running her hands all over my face before she then started kissing me all over

"Did you come to look for Jordan?" She asks and I nod, "you just missed him, that blonde girlfriend of his called him and he was out of the house in a flash"

I mouth an o and begin to feel myself fidgeting again. . He's not here, there's no one to comfort me, no one who understands what I'm going through.... There is one person.

With a quick thanks and a peck in her direction I run back to the car and drive off once again.

*

I pull up in front of Shaze's house and sigh in relief when I see the light in the living room on. I get out of my car, now feeling the stress I've been under this couple of days begin to take it's dangerous toll on me. I begin to shiver and rush up the remaining stairs to the door before knocking on the door and resting my head against the door frame.

I should have eaten more instead of skipping meals like I did. It takes about two minutes before the door opens and I pull back immediately so I don't fall face first on the floor. In front of me stands Shaze, dressed up like he's going out.

"Jossie?" he asks and it dawns on me that he probably didn't open the door because I knocked but because he was going out. I take a step back and begin to muster up all the strength I have left.

"You seem to be busy" I start and take in his appearance of black muscle shirt and black ripped jeans, "so sorry I disturbed" I'm about to turn around when he suddenly grabs me by my arm before pulling me into his house. I stumble a little as I enter and grab the coat rack to steady myself.

I begin to feel dizzy and when Shaze asks whats wrong I try to wave him off and pretend like I'm okay when I realize that I'm not actually okay and instead slide to the ground where I hug my knees and begin to sob uncontrollably.

Shaze walks towards the kitchen and then returns moments later and sits beside my crying form but doesn't make any move to console me. After a while I become too tired to cry and begin to sniff and that's when he reaches out and pulls me into his lap.

He begins to stroke my hair and I snuggle into his chest and I feel a fresh onslaught of tears threatening to burst out and I consider letting them out when Shaze speaks, "what happened?" He says it so softly and his voice comes out very husky and I feel my insides begin to twist

"tomorrow" I begin but it I don't continue because it seems like he understands what I am trying to say and he hugs me closer and my heart clenches and I begin to let out silent sobs and then Shaze begins to stroke my back in a bid to comfort me, "I'm scared"

He presses a kiss to my head, "I know". I lay like that in his arms and finally after a long time of crying and sniveling I begin to get a headache and untangle myself from his chest. I look up at him and notice that he has fallen asleep and I can't help it when I lift my hands and brush his dark hair away from his face and smile when he mumbles incoherently.

I carefully stand up and almost collapse back down when I feel dizzy and sway. I can hear the drumming of my heart in my own ears, my mouth is dry, I have a terrible headache and my eyesight has become blurry.

I stagger into his kitchen and see sandwiches on the table. I smile and stagger towards it and pick up a slice. My vision becomes more blurry and I can't even see the sandwich in my hand anymore, I stumble and hear the sound of ceramic crashing with tiles and jump back before feeling a sharp pain in my legs and fingers. I put a hand to my forehead and feel myself burning up.

I turn around and try to stumble my way back to the living room. I see parts of the living room light through my blurred vision before everywhere goes black and I collapse ungracefully on the floor with a loud thump and an 'oomph' from me.

I hear my name being called by Shaze who must have woken up after hearing the sound of me fall, but I'm too weak to even call out to him. My eyesight is horrible now and I don't even know where my contact lenses are.

"shit!" I hear before I feel arms lifting me up from the floor and carrying me somewhere were I could sleep the fever off. As I begin to fall into a deep sleep I mumble something that has been eating at me, "I'm not a monster"

*

AN
Qwiin_tee here y'all
Hello wonderful readers, I am finally back and you are in for a blast😏

You will get your regular twice a month updates.
Tee out 😳