Ch. 40.

SEVENTEEN —gr 12

My birthday this year is strange. I don't have Chris with me for the first time since I was four, although he does text me first thing in the morning. Instead, my mother and Andrea have a small party in the back yard. Ian, Kyle, and Carmine—with his boyfriend—are there and so is Elizabeth and Xavier. My dad was supposed to come, too, but it conflicted with a 'conference.' He sent a card with Elizabeth, though, and a cheque for one hundred dollars. Carmine is in his last year of high school, like me, and when we compare our schedules, we have french together again, but that's it. Kyle and Ian got me a gift certificate for the hair salon, since my hair could actually use a style now.

My mom and Andrea really hit it off with Elizabeth and spend most of the time passing Xavier between the three of them, except when I carry him around. He gives me big baby slobbers and I giggle when he plays with my hair.

"I've never been so jealous of a baby," Kyle jokes. "Look at him getting all the Angel love."

"Well he is the cutest guy in the room," I tease. I look up from Xavier's little face and notice Ian watching me. I flush and quickly look back down.

"So you guys have an orientation activity tonight?" Ian and Kyle are both nominally in the same department, business, although different major focusses.

"Yeah, we have some sort of a dance or something at the club on campus," Kyle tells me.

"Sounds like fun, College Men. Gonna hook-up with the freshman ladies?"

"That's the plan, unless you're interested," Kyle gives me a wink.

"Nope, still totally hands off here. I'm thinking of joining a convent."

"I think you need to be Catholic for that," Carmine points out.

"Oh well. It was just an idea," I shrug.

"Grace," Ian begins, and I can tell by his tone of voice where he's headed. "I'll wait. I'll wait for you."

Everything stops, well, actually I'm sure it doesn't, but for me it feels like it. My heart stops, my breathing stops, the people around me freeze. I can't believe Ian is laying himself out like this in front of everyone.

"No." I shake my head and my eyes meet his. His beautiful, deep brown eyes full of need, a need I can't fulfill. "Don't, Ian," I say softly, my heart breaking.

Kyle pats Ian on the back and looks at me sadly. "I told you, Man."

Ian stands and puts on his best fake smile, "We should go, Kyle. Happy Birthday, Grace." Ian's fingers trail across the table right in front of me, slowly, deliberately, gently. I want to grab them and keep him from leaving, but I can't do that to him. I know if I asked him to wait he would, and I'm glad Kyle didn't push it.

"Good bye, Ian." I focus on his beautiful fingers for a fraction longer than I should, then I close my eyes.

"See you later, Angel," Kyle says with false cheer, "Happy Birthday."

After they leave, Carmine and Phil go a few minutes later. Xavier has fallen asleep in my arms, so I transfer him to his car seat.

"Everything okay, Grace?" Andrea asks. I'm pretty sure she saw what happened between Ian and I.

"Not really, but it's how it has to be," I answer, honestly.

"Oh, Sweetheart, time heals all wounds." And I'm not sure how to take it.

School is different this year. It's the first year since grade one I've been in school when the twins haven't, and I don't have to worry about Chad coming around the corner, either. My classes are hard, but good, and it's nice to have Carmine in at least one of my classes. Mostly I recognize people from my previous years, but I don't really know people in my other classes, except Audra. She is in my biology class and plops herself into the seat right next to me.

"Hey Grace. Things aren't looking so great for you now that the twins are gone, huh?"

"What do you mean, Audra?"

"Well, after your little stunt last year I'm sure there were people who weren't too happy with you, and now they'll have their opportunity to show you."

"Screw off, Audra, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone."

"Sure thing, Grace." And she gets up and pokes me in the arm, hard. Instead of flinching or panicking, I just see red. I want to punch her, but I restrain myself.

"Don't touch me again, Audra. I mean it."

"Or what?"

"Wait and see."

I'm pretty sure Audra's just being a bitch, but I'm also not going to let her get away with anything. If I have to get into a fight with her I will, but maybe I should just find some spiders and put them in her locker.

The rest of my classes are fine, and as an added bonus, because I took English a year ahead, I have room for both the elective English classes, creative writing and classic literature. I have one each semester, this semester is creative writing.

Mr. Karst calls me into his office the second week of school.

"Just a check in, Grace, how's it going?"

"Everything is okay."

"I know you don't have your support network since Kyle and the twins graduated, so I just want to make sure you're doing well. Okay's not great, I guess, but I'll take it. Are your classes good?"

"Yeah."

"If there's something wrong, you'll tell me, right? Everything's okay at home?"

"Yeah, my mom's doing great, my little brother is good, and my dad's probably messing around on my step-mom, but that's nothing new. Honestly, I'm okay." And I am. After the first day of class, Audra's left me alone, although I'm still worried she might pull something. No one else has bothered me, and a few people have actually been pretty friendly.

My mom, with help from my dad is able scrounge up enough money to get me my own car by the end of September. It's nothing special, but it's mine and I'm happy with it. I am working two nights a week and on Saturdays, plus I got a gym membership, so I am keeping busy and fit. Sometimes in the mornings I see Ian as he gets ready to go to his early classes, and we'll wave across the lawn at each other, but for the most part, he goes his way and I go mine.

Chris loves school, loves the freedom of being away from home and the stigma of being the good twin. From the texts we exchange I take it that his roommate is okay, his classes are great, and he's really making a lot of friends. He keeps encouraging me to go out more and maybe I will, but for now I am happy enough with how things are going. It's safe and I'm comfortable.

At Halloween, I take out Xavier with Elizabeth. He's a year old now, and we aren't going to go far, just to a few houses. He's dressed like a minion and looks completely adorable.

"So Grace, any guys in your life?"

"No, not right now, how about you?"

"It's that obvious, huh?"

"No, I just know my dad. Does he have a new grad student?"

"I'm not really sure, and quite frankly, I don't care. If I could afford to move out I would."

"What do you need?"

"Well, childcare is expensive and I obviously need a job. For now, I can look around during the day, and check online at night. There aren't too many jobs for people with degrees in classic literature."

"I know, just ask my mom. That's why I'm planning on studying professional and creative writing."

"Really?" Elizabeth's eyes light up.

"Yep. Family calling I suppose. I haven't told my dad yet, but I don't think it matters, really. As long as he doesn't get himself fired, my schooling's covered."

"I hope he can keep it in his pants long enough for this little guy, too."

"His current track record isn't so great."

"No kidding."