Ch 27

At school in January, Chris, Carmine and I eat lunch together and it's cute how much they seem to care about each other. Kyle and a few other people say hi to me know when we pass in the halls, which is a nice development since the party, I'm getting to know more people and it's nice. Another not so wonderful development is Ian and Kim hanging off of each other everywhere; he waits for her outside of her classes, even the history class she and I have together. He makes a point of ignoring me whenever I leave the room before Kim, although sometimes I catch him looking at me when I am packing up my stuff and it really bothers me. When Kim and I get stuck into a group together, I am all business and she smirks at me.

"What's your problem, Grace?" she asks as I focus on our task.

"I don't have a problem, Kim, we just need to get this article done."

"You're just mad because I stole your boyfriend."

"Ian's not my boyfriend, and he never has been. We're friends and have been since I was four."

"Just so long as you remember he's mine."

"Don't worry, Kim, you're welcome to him."

"Just stay away from him."

"Kim, I've said I will, and I will, besides, if he's yours, you shouldn't have anything to worry about, right?"

That comment seems to do the trick, and we work together, an uneasy truce, to finish our assignment.

Something has to be horribly wrong.

It's Valentine's Day and I am clutching my three flowers student council delivered to me in homeroom and I have my backpack in the other hand. The flowers, one from Chris, one from Carmine, and one from Kyle were a nice surprise, I wasn't expecting any. It seems that I am great at attracting platonic male friends. Getting off the bus, I see my dad's car in the driveway.

"What's going on?" I ask running in the house. It's not normal for a Tuesday afternoon. This is prime teaching time for my dad.

"Why don't you ask your father, you love him so much," my mom's tone is burns like acid and dripping with venom.

"Daddy?" I turn to him, confused.

"I'm sorry, Sweetpea, but I'm moving."

"Where are you going Daddy? Why are you leaving?" I don't get it. Daddy doesn't just leave, I mean he goes away, but he always comes back.

"I'm moving closer to campus," he says, not meeting my eyes.

"Why?"

My mom interjects, "Because he can't keep it in his pants."

"What?"

"He's fucking a grad student. He's lucky he doesn't lose his job," she explains.

"Wait, is this Elizabeth, the one you're always talking about?" I have a sneaking suspicion. Her name has been so prevalent in our breakfast conversations lately, it's almost insidious.

"It doesn't matter who it is, Honeybun," he tries to placate me, but doesn't deny the affair.

"Of course it doesn't matter. It's not the first time, is it?" Mom steps up pointing at him. I ignore her comment and focus on the who and what of now.

"No, you don't get to call me Honeybun after screwing someone who's only eight years older than me. I mean she's only twenty-three." I am disgusted.

"Twenty-four, actually, and this has no bearing on the issue. Your mother has asked me to go, so I am going."

"Bloody right you're leaving," she spits at him.

A scary thought just hits me. "What about me?"

"What about you?" my mom turns on me.

I think my dad gets it though, "It's a really small apartment, Sweetpea, only enough room for me and Eliza." I knew it, I have to take care of her now. He's leaving me in this life sucking place to take care of her while he runs off into the sunset. Throwing my flowers on the table, run to my room and slam the door, pacing wildly on the other side. About ten minutes later I go back out to the hall where my mother is making her way back to bed.

"Has there really been more?" I ask, before she's gone again.

"Yes, at least three that I know of."

"Then why now? Why make him leave now? I mean if there have been others, what makes this time any different?" Not that I want to condone his affairs, that disgusts me, but I don't want to be here with just her. It's too terrible to consider.

"It's just this one who's decided to keep the baby."

"What do you mean?"

"We went to Europe the year his grad student had an abortion. It was actually at the university's insistence that he left and he was lucky to keep his job. This one, Elizabeth, she's a bit older than the last one, and she's pregnant. Due sometime next fall, I think. He's going to start another happy little family, Grace." My mom shuffles off to her bed, where I know she'll stay for the next week or two. I start to gag because the air in the house is so stifling and I know I have to get outside where I might be able to breathe.

I run outside in the twilight gasping for air and end up climbing up to the treehouse, grasping at something simpler, somewhere dark and quiet, somewhere I can think. I blindly climb the rungs, relying on muscle memory, tears filling my eyes. I'm looking for refuge, but instead it's occupied. Ian is busy with his hands under Kim's clothes and a lit joint sitting in the ashtray. I should have noticed the smell, but my nose is clogged from my ridiculous crying.

"What the fuck, Grace," Ian says, giving me a dirty look. Oh God, I totally interrupted their Valentines Day, as sad as it is.

"Sorry," I mumble, as I try to back down the rungs, totally embarrassed. Instead I catch my foot and fall backwards to the frozen ground below. I land heavily on my back, knocking the wind out of me.

"Shit, are you okay, Gracie?" Ian is next to me in an instant, and I can see Kim looking down from the hole above. I struggle to catch my breath and Ian pulls me into his lap, rubbing my back. He hasn't called me Gracie in years, not since before the year we were apart and I feel myself fracture even more.

Finally I am able to spit out, gasping, "Obviously I'm not okay, Ian. My dad is fucking a grad student, a twenty-four year old, and they're having a baby together. Not only is he a total asshole, he's moving out and leaving me alone with her." Snot and tears and sobbing are the only thing I am capable of for the next few minutes.

Ian holds me in his arms, and I am vaguely aware of Kim stalking by, muttering "asshole" as she crosses the lawn. He doesn't even flinch, he just keeps me in his arms and rocks me, like I did for him so many years earlier. "You'll be okay, Grace, you're strong, you're so strong," he softly repeats in my ear. He smells slightly of the skunky-sweet stink of marijuana, but under that is him, a smell so familiar, it is home. I slowly relax into his sure and steady arms, feeling about five years old, sniffling into his shirt, making a big patch of damp.

Eventually I am able to stand, and Ian, to his credit walks me to his house and helps me inside. I am touched by his compassion, after all, we haven't been on proper speaking terms in forever.

"Come on, Gracie, I'll take you to Chris," he says with a heavy sigh. "I'm sure that's who you were looking for."

"Ian, I wasn't. Thank you for being so nice to me. And I'm sorry about Kim and Valentine's, I just needed to escape and think. It's where we all go." I'm babbling as I struggle to right the wrongs between us.

"It's okay," he responds giving me a strange, far away look, "she doesn't really matter."

I am stunned by his callousness. I mean I interrupted something that looked pretty serious and intimate. If the guy I was with said it didn't matter, I'd be furious. I'll never understand him. I'm sure he can feel my shock, and he stiffens a bit as he knocks on Chris' door.

"Chris, Grace needs you," he says quietly, pushing open the door.

Chris sees my face and I crumple into his arms, explaining everything.

He holds me, just like Ian did minutes before, and I have a sense of deja vu. It's funny, I can totally tell the twins apart, I always can, but in this simple gesture, they are the same and their support is overwhelming.

My mom has fallen to pieces and I don't care any more. She's fallen apart so many times before and so long I've cleaned up her mess, all in an effort to make things nice for Daddy, but that was a total waste. I can't be in the house with her, I can't stay in such a pit of despair. Instead I throw myself into my school work, staying late to tutor younger students, and I work. I take as many shifts at Sparkles! as I can and I go out with Carmine and Chris sometimes. But at home, things are rapidly descending into chaos. I know my dad is paying some of the bills, but my mom doesn't do any cleaning or shopping. I've taken care of her before, but only for short periods. The prospect of doing it long term is terrifying. I do my own laundry and my own dishes, but more often than not, I rely on my paycheque and savings to cover food that I buy in the cafeteria or on breaks at work. I'm not sure what or if my mom eats half the time, and it's not my concern.

As the months go on, she doesn't get any better, only getting up for a few occasions, one of which is their divorce proceedings. While things are being decided, my dad has to continue to pay for the house and some child support. My mom doesn't take care of the bills, though, so I start to take care of those, too when the final notices start to arrive. I take her bank card from her wallet and start the automatic payments from her account, and transfer some to my account, too, since I need to grocery shop.

"Hey, Angel, how's it going?" Kyle asks as he bags my groceries. It's May and I haven't spoken to Kyle in a while. I'd forgotten he works at the grocery store.

"I'm fine, Kyle."

"Are you really Grace? I heard about your parents, and I'm assuming since you're the one shopping, things really aren't good."

"What difference does it make? It is what it is."

"How are you getting all this home?"

"I have to call a taxi."

"No you don't, I'm off in ten minutes."

"You really don't have to."

"Grace, just let me help."

"Fine." Fifteen minutes later we are in his car on the way to my house.

"How did you find out about everything, anyway?"

"Ian told me why Kim dumped him."

"She hates me. I wasn't trying to interrupt anything, but to be fair, it's not like Ian was too broken up by it. He's going out with someone else now, right?"

"Yeah, Audra, actually."

"Seriously? I mean I know she's your cousin, but..."

"I know, she's a total bitch."

"No, it's just when we were younger and she had a big crush on him, she was so mean to me and Ian told me that he'd always pick me over her."

"Grace," he says softly, "that was a long time ago."

"A lifetime ago, really." I need to let go of the past and embrace the crap that is my life now.