Ch 38

Exams happen, and I do well. I've skipped every social event this semester, and my marks reflect it. My average is back into the honour roll, and when I look at the list, Chris and Ian's averages are, too. Andrea takes me aside to tell me how happy she is to see me doing so well, and I give her a hug. It seems that I am gradually regaining the ability to initiate contact with females, but I'm still scared to test it out on males.

"Please come to graduation with us. I know the boys want you there. We are going to have a barbecue afterwards and a pool party for everyone."

"I'd love to. I don't know about the party, but I'll come to graduation."

I wear a blue sundress from before, and since I've been doing better, my curves are returning and my hair is fully blonde again, wavy, and almost shoulder length. I put a small blue rhinestone flower clip in my hair, paired with my best friends necklace from when I was seven and a pair of satin blue ballet flats. It's the first time I've dressed up in quite awhile, and I feel a bit self-conscious, but I can't go to a graduation in sweats and a t-shirt. I'm getting a drive over with Steve and Andrea, the twins have to be there ahead of time so they take their own car.

The ceremony is nice, I haven't seen a graduation since the twins grade eight grad, and I didn't actually see the ceremony, just the dance. I sit on the aisle next to Andrea, and Steve is on the inside, just in case I have problems in the crowd, but it's okay. Watching them both go across the stage is great, they look so grown up in their caps and gowns, and I know I am smiling from ear to ear. We stand and cheer, I know they both look out and see us, doing a double take when they see me. I guess I was a surprise.

After the last speech is done and they are officially done high school, everyone mingles. Andrea and Steve are very mindful, so we stand to the side, but it doesn't take long for the boys to find us.

"I'm so proud of you boys," Steve says, patting them on the back.

"My beautiful boys," Andrea gives them each a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. I snap photos on my phone which I'll send to Andrea later.

"Can we get one with you, Grace?" Steve asks, and I really want to be able to do it.

"Sure," I say with a nervous edge. I want to do this so badly. I stand in the middle of Chris and Ian.

"Were going to try to put our arms behind you, okay?" Chris asks.

"Yes," I say gritting my teeth. I can feel their arms going behind me, and I know I am safe, but it's hard, so hard. I try to smile as naturally as possible and keep telling myself that I trust these guys with my life. Steve snaps a few pictures.

"Okay, Grace?" Ian asks quietly, but I can't answer. I am trying to focus on my breathing instead. "You're okay, Gracie. Our arms are gone now, okay? Just breathe, you're alright."

I nod grimly and try to pull myself together. After a minute I can feel the panic subsiding, my heart returning to normal speed. I am a bit sweaty and shaky, but overall, I am okay. I'm getting better.

"Hey there, Angel." Kyle comes over, "Looking good." He eyes me up and down in an exaggerated manner, and I am happy he still feels he can joke with me.

"Thanks, Kyle, you don't clean up too bad yourself" I giggle. He looks bigger and more imposing then ever in his gown. "Can you get in a picture with these two?"

After a little while longer, Andrea and Steve are leaving to set up for the barbecue.

"Want to come back with us, Gracie? We're driving Kyle, too." Chris asks, "Hang with the cool kids for awhile?"

I'm feeling much better, so I agree, "Sure, I guess. Where are we going?"

"Just for a trip down memory lane," Ian says with a grin.

In the car, Chris drives and Kyle's in the front seat because he's so tall. Ian sits in the back with me and pulls out a bottle of vanilla vodka. "Want a sip?"

"Sure," Ian takes a chug from the bottle, then passes it over. I take a swig, then hand it to Kyle. The vanilla flavour is good, but it doesn't mask the liquor and it burns going down. I stifle a cough. Kyle and Ian laugh.

"Nice necklace, Grace." Chris comments, looking at me in the rearview mirror, "I can't believe you still have it."

"Some really great guys gave it to me once." And I smile back at him.

Chris pulls into our elementary school parking lot and we jump out of the car, walking towards the playground. I see it, the yellow swing, and break into a run. After a second, the boys catch on, and I can hear them running, too. I reach it first and hop on. "Sorry boys, this is my swing."

"I don't think so," Kyle steps up.

Ian and Chris step forward, and all of us break out laughing.

"God, that was so long ago. Grace, you were the cutest girl on the playground," Kyle reminisces.

"I'm still the cutest girl on the playground," I giggle, and we all go sit on the climber.

"You really did look like an angel with that hair. I'm sorry that it got cut," Kyle continues.

"I cut it," Ian interrupts, then takes another drink.

"I was so scared we were going to get in trouble, do you remember how freaked out Maggie was?" Chris adds.

"Why did you do it, Kyle?" I never could figure that one out. I take the bottle from Ian and have another sip.

"Mostly it was Audra's idea. She asked me who I thought was prettiest, and she didn't like my answer. She was jealous," Kyle shrugs.

"She really doesn't like me and I could never understand why."

"I can think of a few reasons. You looked adorable, you were really nice, you got to play with the boys she wanted, and you were great in a crisis. She threw up after she saw Chris' broken arm. Chris puked on you, and you didn't even flinch." Kyle explains.

"Well, in the end she got what she wanted, right?" I turn to Ian, who's having another drink, "She dated you, which was what she always wanted."

Ian shifts uncomfortably and his face reddens, "For like a week."

I let him off the hook, "She thought he was Ian, and I called her an idiot, that day when Chris broke his arm. I can never figure out how people can't tell you two apart."

"It's simple," Ian shrugs, "you know us better than anyone else." Ian takes another drink.

"That used to be true, maybe," I say quietly. Then, to change the mood, "Kyle, how did you guys eventually become friends? I mean you still didn't like each other when I went away."

"Simple, these guys were lost without you, and Ian kept doing all sorts of crazy shit. It was funny, and I wanted to be entertained. Honestly, we were lucky he didn't get himself expelled in grade nine."

"This school is so tiny, I mean there were, what, fifteen kids from here going to the sixteen hundred kids in high school? It was really scary. Plus Dad moved away and I knew we weren't really going to see him anymore. We all know I don't handle change well," Ian says with a uneasy chuckle.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here, but it was was hard for me, too. How do you think I felt? I had been away for a whole year, had funny clothes, hadn't been social at all with anyone my own age since before I left, and was incredibly shy. If it wasn't for you guys, I'd have been completely alone." I don't mention that I will be alone next year.

"I miss how easy everything was in elementary school," Ian sighs.

"Easy for you maybe, everyone loved you." Chris interjects with a snort. "I had a huge problem, I had a crush on Daniel."

"Yeah, I could see that being a problem," Kyle thinks for a second, "but I don't think anyone from our class has a problem with you being gay. I'm pretty sure we all kind of had an idea, maybe."

"See, I told you!" I laugh at Ian. "What happened with Daniel? I don't think I've seen him around at all."

"He moved in grade nine," Chris says sadly. "Ahh, the one that got away."

"Yeah, but just think of all the hot guys you'll meet next year," I remind him.

"Yeah, but I'll have a roommate, what if he's a total homophobe?"

"I don't think you ooze gayness or anything, if that's even a thing," Kyle says.

"Besides, Gracie and I will come and beat him up. She's got to be a bad ass now, since taking those self-defence lessons," Ian jokes.

"Yeah, just look at these guns!" I jump down from the climber and flex my arms. "But a physique like this requires food."

"Yeah, we'd better get going before Mom and Steve send out a search party." Chris climbs down, too, the others following.

Sitting in the car, Ian's lidded eyes indicates he's a bit more drunk than Kyle or I, and he looks at me for a minute and I meet his gaze. Shivers flow through me. "I'm glad you came today, Gracie," his voice is a raspy whisper that makes me want to melt.

"Me too, Ian," but I'm scared, for so many reasons. Fortunately we pull in the driveway and there are people milling about. Ian's face slips into an easy smile, all traces of what just happened between us is erased, as it has to be.

"I think I'm going to go home, guys."

"No, Grace, please stay," Chris urges. "At least until we eat."

"Okay." I reluctantly agree. And we all head back behind the house.

The barbecue is great. There's all sorts of food and a bunch of parents and kids from the graduating class. I find a seat off to the side, and the guys take turns getting me food, which is kind of silly, but fun. At one point, Andrea introduces me to a friend of hers and I am offered a part time job at her office, which I readily accept. It's a reception position at a real estate office, so I will be behind a desk and won't have to worry about sitting out in the open, like at Sparkles!

"Hey Angel," Kyle slides down next to me. "You want to tell me what was going on in the car?"

I pretend like I don't know. "Huh?"

"You and Ian. Can't you put him out of his misery?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean his prom date left with someone else because he was thinking about you all night."

"Being with me would be misery, Kyle. I can't do that to him."

"What do you mean?"

"He deserves to be held, kissed, and everything else that goes along with it."

"What do you mean?" Kyle presses.

"Kyle, try to touch me. Just reach for my hand and see what happens?" I hold my hand out to him and it shakes.

He looks at it for a minute. "Grace, I can't do that."

"You're right, because just the idea of you doing it, even though I told you to, makes my skin crawl, and you're my friend. I love him too much to make him feel bad for wanting to touch me."

"But you love him," Kyle argues.

"I've always loved him," I answer simply. It's the truth.

"I know, and that's why none of the rest of us ever had a chance," Kyle has a wistful smile.

"Now no one has a chance, and that's the reason I have to let him go. I know he'll want a physical side to a relationship."

"Who doesn't?" Kyle says with a lascivious grin.

I give him a rueful smile. "Me, I guess," I say sadly.

"Grace, you're getting better every day. You're so much better than you were before."

"But who knows how long it'll take for me to be fully better, and I'm not asking anyone to wait for that to happen. Ian deserves more, and if he ever says anything, I'll lie. I'll deny it forever if it will help him move on, so don't say anything." Ian needs more than I can offer.

"I think you're making a huge mistake, but I guess I understand."

"Just keep an eye on him next year for me, okay?"

"Of course," Kyle responds with a sad smile. I reach out and touch his hand in thanks, for just a second, before the panic can take hold, then I pull away and go home.

The next morning, my phone is buzzing. Maggie went into labour late last night, and they are leaving to go to visit her, and hopefully the new baby in a few minutes. It's only an hour drive, but she's still in labour. I run down with my present; a blanket, stuffed dog, and some onesies, handing them off to Chris as he climbs in the back of their car. "I wish you could come with us, Grace."

"Me too, but I have school tomorrow," I really would love to be there, "Send everyone my love and take lots of pictures!"

"Of course," Chris grins. "I'm so excited!"

Ian comes out of the house looking worse for wear. He's got sunglasses on and an obvious hangover. "I guess someone's sleeping in the car, huh?"

He just looks at me and nods, groaning as he gets in his seat. I hope whatever happened last night doesn't mean he's not talking to me again, but if it does, I suppose that's what I want.

Andrea and Steve get in the front and I wave as they drive off. Later that day, I get a pile of texts and pictures of baby Olivia, 6 pounds, 8 ounces, and she's adorable. Maggie and Marc are thrilled and everyone is happy. The family is staying over for a few days to help out.