Ch 45

EIGHTEEN—UNIVERSITY

Orientation is kind of scary. There are a ton of people in the arts program, which English falls under, and I don't attend too many of the activities. I mean, I'm living at home anyway, so the crazy stuff that happens late at night isn't really anything I'll get involved with. I do meet a few people in my program, though, so that's pretty nice. Some of my courses have all the books online, but for a few of my literature courses, I prefer the feel of the books in my hand, so I have to go to the campus bookstore. I haven't been here since that 'date' with Max, but I do love it, so I wander the aisles taking my time to find what I need.

"Grace," I hear my name and the voice is unmistakeable. I turn, and Ian is standing with a girl, someone with long beautiful multi-coloured hair, who looks like she's definitely in fine arts. Her clothes are flowy and light, and she just looks like a stereotypical artist. Ian has a bit of a tan, his hair is longer than he normally keeps it, but it looks good—rumpled, like he's just rolled out of bed—with his clothes hanging comfortably over his broad shoulders. His fingers are stained with ink and entwined in hers. They look like they fit together and I try my hardest to keep my face calm.

"Hi Ian, how are you?" I smile, open and bright.

"Good, doing well." His smile doesn't meet his eyes. "You?"

"I'm fine, just looking for a few books," I gesture to my basket.

"Mom said you were taking writing," Ian offers.

"Yeah, thank you for my present."

"It was nothing," he says, and the conversation stalls. It's awkward for a second because I can tell Ian's not sure what to say next, so I turn to the girl and introduce myself.

"Hi, I'm Grace, Ian's next-door neighbour," I offer her my hand.

"Aria, I'm in Ian's program." and she shakes it, and gives me a sickeningly sweet false smile.

"Nice to meet you," I respond. She doesn't return the platitude.

I turn back to Ian, "I hear you've moved out, so I guess former neighbour is more correct."

"Yep I got a place off campus this year. I have a few jobs to help cover it, but we're making it work." We? Wow, he really has moved on. I try not to let my shock register on my face.

"Yeah, the apartment's great," Aria offers, confirming my assumption, and I need to leave before I get sick.

"Oh, well, it was great to meet you, but I really need to get in line so I'm not late for work," I offer. I can't help myself as I walk by. I reach out and squeeze Ian's arm, just for a second, just to see if I can. It's like a shock goes through me, and not in a bad way, which is even more devastating.

"See you around, Gail." Aria calls behind me as I walk away. I really hope Ian sees some redeeming qualities in her because I can't find any, but it's not my job to like her. He's moved on, just like I wanted him to.

It's funny, all through high school, our teachers kept telling us how different things are in university, and they made it sound harder. Maybe it is harder for people who have to figure out how to live away from home, but for the most part, I find my first term easier. Even though I have five classes, they are only three hours a week for each, and mostly the work consists of reading. Exams are a bit scary though. We have mid-terms and it's odd to have so much of my mark totally based on one test. In a few of my smaller classes I join study groups and it's helpful to talk about the course material with other people. I see my dad around campus sometimes, but it's funny, it's like he can't quite have his two worlds meet, so mostly he pretends that he doesn't see me. He is popular with the students though, some of the people in my study group have him for their contemporary lit course and say his lectures are great. His class isn't mandatory, so I am not going to take it, I don't think I could.

"Grace, would you like to go out for coffee?" Trent asks, he looks down at his study notes.

"Sure, Trent, that would be nice. Do you mean now?"

"Umm, yeah, is that okay?" Our study group has just finished in the library, and Trent is in my Rhetoric class. He's just a little bit taller than me, with sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes. The clothes he wears are always pretty plain and comfortable, not totally in style, but not like his mother dresses him either. For the past few weeks in group he's been a little bit more attentive to me than to others, so I was kind of prepared for him to ask me out.

"Sure, where to?"

He and I walk over to the coffee shop in the student union. He has a meal card because he lives in residence and treats me to a drink and a pastry. We find a seat near the windows looking out to the quad and talk. We talk for a few hours and it's nice. He's from a small town an hour or so away and is in awe at the number of people around. We talk about growing up and about our favourite books and just everything. And it's good. When he reaches across the table to touch my hand, I fight the urge to pull away and find that I can hold his hand without fear, and that makes me happy. It's not a rush holding his hand, but it's comfortable, and that's a nice feeling for me.

After a few weeks of coffee dates, Trent and I go out to a movie together. I pick him up at his residence and we go watch a comedy, nothing too fantastic, but he holds my hand through the movie and we even kiss at the end of the night. It's the most intimate I've been with anyone since the incident in grade eleven, and he's only the fourth boy I can actually remember kissing.

Chris and I have been exchanging texts fast and furiously because it's close to his anniversary with Sam and he's not sure what to do for it. I keep pushing for a romantic getaway, but he's not sure. As far as I can tell, they've been pretty intimate with each other, but haven't gone all the way. Not that they don't want to, but they both have roommates and Chris wants them to be able to spend the whole night together. I really hope he chooses a romantic getaway for their anniversary because I sent him a bunch of fancy foods cookies and chocolates for his birthday which might be nice for him to share with Sam.

For Ian's birthday, I still feel like I have to get him something, even though I haven't really seen him since that time in the bookstore. I decide the best thing to do is to renew his magazine subscription and I get him something small to go along with it. I poke around the bookstore after class one day and see a great little book that I know Ian will love. It's all postcards of different kinds of graffiti from around the world. Some of the pieces are murals and others are purely text, but they are all really fascinating. I buy the book, get a card and keep a lookout for Ian at his parents. Even though I seldom see him, I know he goes home pretty often—probably to do laundry—because I see his car. Sometimes I watch him walk back into the forest with his sketchbook, and other times I catch a glimpse of him driving away.

On the twins' birthday, I have classes in the morning only, so I go home and listen for his car in the driveway. I know I'm pathetic. I know I've moved on, right? I'm dating Trent, and he's a great guy. I'm just giving something to Ian out of tradition. And these are the things I repeat to myself as I sit in the upstairs front window and watch, while I 'read' my notes. Three hours into my wait, Ian arrives with a girl and a bag of laundry. It's not the same girl that I met in the bookstore, and for that I'm happy, because I couldn't stand her. It also means he probably wasn't actually living with her which somehow makes me feel relieved. This girl is not as 'artsy' as the last one. She's slightly taller than me, about as tall as Ian's nose. She has wavy brown hair and looks kind of athletic. When they walk to the house, they don't hold hands or kiss or anything, but seem pretty comfortable with each other, at one point punching each other on the arms.

As soon as they are in the house, I stealthily sneak down and toss the gift on Ian's seat. Then I get in my car and go to the library for the next four or five hours to make sure that I don't run into Ian at all. I know it's silly, but I'd rather he didn't feel obligated to talk to me. Instead, at nine, I message Trent and we go for a snack, and I feel a bit guilty.
Trent and I go out for the entire rest of the fall. The problem comes when Christmas rolls around. He really wants me to go to his house to meet his parents and the seriousness of this relationship suddenly sinks in. We've been seeing each other for three months, so I suppose that's a long time. It's the longest relationship I've ever had, and we've progressed a bit from just kissing. Nothing too heavy, but I don't mind when he touches me. And that's the problem. I don't mind. I'm not thrilled, I'm not breathless, and I'm not really excited. But maybe I'm not meant to have all the things promised in romance movies—I mean, I feel like I'm not really feeling anything. I enjoy the kissing and the touching and the hugs, but it's like I'm just cruising on through, and I can't do this to Trent any more. He is a great person, and deserves passion, something that I am pretty sure I don't have the capacity for. When I tell him, he isn't really surprised.

"I'm sorry Trent, I just can't go home with you. You're a great person, it's just..."

"You don't feel that way about me." Trent finishes for me, sounding sad.

I really want him to understand that he's not at fault. "I don't know that I'll feel that way about anyone, it's like I'm broken."

"You aren't broken Grace, you're the nicest person ever. I'm just not the guy for you." Trent shrugs, but I know I've hurt him.

"I'm so sorry." I feel so bad, but I know it's the right thing to do.

"I should lie and say it's fine, but I really like you Grace. And I wish I could make you feel the way I do, but I can't." And Trent walks away, back to his dorm, and I watch him go.

Instead of romance at Christmas, my mom and I go out with Elizabeth and Xavier. He's getting so big, and he really is the cutest little boy ever. Sometimes I catch my mom looking at him wistfully, missing the babies she lost, but I know when he cries and needs a change, she's happy not to have to tend to him. Andrea, Steve and Ian head to Maggie's for Christmas, and it's the way it should be. I've been an interloper in their lives for too long.