Chapter Forty-Three (final)

"Do you want some?" I ask Lee as I sit across from him, a plate of pasta in my hands. I am sat criss-cross-apple-sauce in my short pajamas and long sleeved shirt. The rain continues to pelt the windows and roof. I'm grateful for the heavy downpour since it covers the awkward silences.

    Lee shakes his head and then looks down. He's sat exactly as I am except wrapped in about every blanket I could find and in my brother's clothes. His index finger plays with the rim of the mug he's been slowly drinking tea from. His hair drips even with a towel on top of it. He looks like he wants to say something. I refuse to let him.

    "No, really, I have more," I assure him. Anything to not talk about us or him or me.

    He shakes his head again, his mouth opening to finally speak.

    "I've actually gained cooking skills. Takeout gets boring after only so many times," I babble, "though my favorite takeout has to be that Italian place down by Main St. and the town's center park. Have you heard of it? It's called...uh...I forget what it's called. It doesn't matter. Food's outrageous there. Outrageous in a good way, by the way. Not, like, in the 'I've lost control of my teenage son' way or anything, ha-ha. That'd be—"

"Ivory."

I lick my lips. "Uh, yeah?"

"Can we please talk?"

"We are! Look at me. Talking. Blah blah—"

"Ivory?"

"Yes?"

"About us."

"Oh."

 Wind howls outside, rattling branches against the windows by the living room. Normally, I'd get scared but this conversation is scaring me more. Letting him in the house was one big mistake. I could've called a cab or something and gave him some clothes and a towel instead of welcoming him inside. I can already feel my resistance slipping away.

"So, can you please talk about what the hell happened? Can we talk about how much I want you back despite the consequences?" he pleads, setting down the mug on a coffee table nearby.

    I stab a piece of farfalle pasta and spin it around the plate, drenching it in the marinara. "No."

    "No?"

    "No," I repeat. I look up and bring the pasta to my mouth. It takes me moments to chew but Lee doesn't talk. He wants me to explain why. He should know why. I put the fork and plate down on the table as well and sit back into the couch. I even grab a pillow. Who knows how long this talk will be? It could take five minutes or forever. "You want me to explain."

    "Yes, I think I deserve that," he says confidently. Even though he looks like a stray puppy with a towel over his drenched bangs that are usually gelled and in a cocoon of blankets, he looks ready to fight to the death. His eyes are strong and determined. He really doesn't like taking no for an answer.

    "We've gone over this multiple times."

    "I don't think the amount of times you tell me why will ever process into my head as an actual reason to let you go. You could the worst thing in the world and deep down, even then, I would never let you go."

    I sigh. "You're making this so hard for me."

    "For you?" Lee scoffs. "You initiated this. I just want to be with you. It took me forever to admit that and to be honest with you. To myself. And now it's as if I'm nothing and you can just shove me to the side."

    I grip the pillow hard. "Will you grow up already? Love. Is. Not. Enough." My nails sink into the pillow as my anger and sadness mix into one. I feel tears coming and I hate that I can't be angry and yell without crying. "I'm not shoving you to the side! I'm trying to save you. Penny is pregnant. Eventually, her baby bump will grow to the point where the media cannot ignore it. Let's see. Who could possibly be the father? How about the man that's been rumored to be with her the most? You. What are the headlines going to say when they focus on you, only to find you're with some girl from some small town? The same girl that lied and also, now, is also tangled with Mark? How will that make you look, Lee?"

    "I don't care about how I'll look!" he growls, his chest heaving up and down. "All these cement and superficial dreams and things don't matter to me. I've found true love.  It sounds sappy as hell but do you know how many people search and destroy and bleed to find something as simple as what we have? People go insane because their lives are so fake and plastic and dull. I'm going insane without you."

    Pressing the pillow to my chest, I hug it as hard as I can as if it'll give me some strength to say more. "That's true but Lee, you need to open your eyes. Think about your entire life. Your job? Business surely won't go well if you can't even take care of your personal life. Media will ruin everything. Your family? What will your mom say? What about continuing your father's legend? The company? You'll lose everything. Even Penny, who helped you through your father's death more than anyone else. It's your turn to help her out. She made a mistake and had a baby with someone who didn't care enough to stick around. She's like your sister, you said. We both know you can't ditch her even if you tried."

    Lee sighs and I know I'm getting to him too. His answers and replies are getting slower and more hesitant. "I'll figure something out. There's a solution. There always is."

    "How, Lee? It's not so simple anymore."

    "We can get through this," he pushes.

    "What about...what about...me?" I hate using the 'pitiful me' card but I really need him to see that I'm trying to protect us both. Our relationship will cause nothing but doom. "With all the media on me too, how will I have a normal life? What will they say about my mother? They'll be like hound dogs. They won't leave me alone, Lee."

    "B-But," he stammers. I've broken his fight. A frown sweeps across my face. Knowing now that both of us know there's no hope hurts. "But I love you?" He says it like a question as if he doesn't even know if that matters to me anymore.

    I place the pillow to the side and stand. Lee stares at me with confused but sad eyes. I walk around the table and over to him. I press a hand gently to his cheek and he places his own hand over mine.Slowly, I sit down on his lap. I am surrendering just for a moment. My white flag is up.

"You idiot. Of course, I love you too. I've never felt something as mad as the way I love you. You're absolutely irritating in the way that you are adorable and know exactly how to get to me. You're beautiful in the way that sees beyond your physical attractions. I love how you think." My hand travels to brush away his hair from his forehead. "I love how you speak. What you speak. When you sing." My thumb runs over his bottom lip, which parts as I do. His breath is hot. "I love how you kiss me. I love  your hugs. I love your arms and how they swallow me whole when you hug me. I love the comfort I get from just being next to you or in the same room. To know you are with me is enough. I also love the thrills and chills I get. You're like this comfortable death ride, if that makes any sense. Actually it doesn't. But that's exactly how I am around you. Crazy and wild and so in love I can barely see straight. I'll never forget it or you. But every good thing comes to an end," I whisper. "It was the greatest pleasure knowing you."

At some point, his left arm had curled around me, holding the small of my back. Our foreheads have joined and he does not stop staring at me. We breathe as one. My hands are behind his neck, my arms circling around him. His right hand comes up and wipes away the tears I did not know were flowing.

"Shh," he says, gently. But his eyes are red too and it's not from the rain or the reflection of the fire. He is breaking just like I am. "Shh," he says but his voice is breaking as well. "It's going to be—" Before he can finish, a sob takes apart his sentence. The sob tears me apart. "Damn it," he mumbles.

I realize then how much this has wounded him too. He needs me to keep him together just as much as he has been there to hold me together. I take his arms and wrap them around my waist. I remove the towel from his head and bring his head to my chest. "Let it go. Let it all go," I say as he hugs me tighter and cries. My fingers grip the ends of his hair near his neck and I rest my cheek on top of his head.

"It's not fair," he argues. "I finally find someone to make me truly happy. I find something real and I can't have it. I can't have you. All I ever do is lose people. Anne, Dad, and now you." I hold him closer to my heart. "Life likes to play with me. It dangles everything good in front of me only to yank the rug under my feet in the last second, when things are finally going great."

"I'm sorry," I say into his hair. My eyes close because there's no point opening them with constant tears blurring my vision. "I'm sorry."

Lee shakes into my arms, his crying silent. I remember wishing once how I wanted him to be brutally honest with his feelings and to cry in front of me, just to make myself feel better to know that he trusted me and that I knew him better than Penny or anyone else. Now, I realize how selfish that thought was. I would give anything to take his pain away.

"Maybe, I'm just not meant to be happy," he suggests, his body regaining stability. "Maybe I don't deserve it for all the wrong and cruel things I've ever done in my life."

To hear him say that is like to take a knife and peel my heart until there's nothing left.

"Don't say that, Lee," I scold him. I back away and when I look at his face, it's hard to be angry. His eyes are swelling and his cheeks are wet. He's hiccuping too but he's never looked so young and humane to me in my life. "Don't say that," I say softer. "You're one of the most compassionate people I've ever met. Sure, you were a little cold and distant when I first met you. Look at you now though. Look at how dynamically you've changed. You deserve only the best and you certainly deserve happiness." I wipe his cheeks with both my hands just like the many times he's done for me. Always there for me.

His hands hold my wrists, stopping me. Lee's watery blue eyes look into mine. "Then why am I not good enough to deserve you? Why am I not good enough to be able to love you?"

Looking at him then, a great deal of life and its lessons hit me. Lee has flaws too. Deep down under his crisply ironed suit and his charisma. Just like everyone else. I remember the time when I used to think he was invincible. Nobody's really invincible. They're just better at hiding things than other people.

"You just can't shut up, you big oaf," I say with a soft smile. I silence him with a gentle kiss even though he still has my wrists trapped in his hands. "You are good enough, you idiot. You're the best I've ever known. Just accept that life sucks but that I have never loved anyone the way I loved you and try to look at the positive side."

He reaches for more but rests back when I don't give in. Lee glares at me. "There is no positive side to this."

"Oh...yeah," I say. "At least we have this now. And the thousands of kisses and memories we already shared. That will never change."

"So what? This is our last encounter?" he asks, pouting.

I kiss his cheek. "And forever in our heads."

"That's not good enough."

"Oh, so now that's not good enough, huh?" I joke. "You are a demanding little boy trapped in a man's body." I try to lean in to kiss him but his grip on my wrists pushes me away. "Hey! Release me."

"Or what? You'll ignore me for another thirty-five days?" he challenges with a playful gleam in his eyes. The storm is partly over. "Well, Miss Ivory, I can't think of any more punishment you might give me that you haven't already."

    "No more kisses for the night."   

    My wrists are freed.

    "That would kill me," he says teasingly. His arms wrap themselves around me and his hands grip my butt before pushing me closer to him. Our foreheads thud against each other. "Ow!" he says.

    "Nice plan, genius," I say. My heart begins to thump faster. I know what's next.

    His hands tease the hem of my shirt. "What was that you said earlier? It was a pleasure to know me?" I nod, confused. He doesn't speak for a second, pretending to fall asleep.  "Hurry! Kiss me first before I die. I need recharging."

    I comply, being purposely quick and light. "What is it?"

    He glares since we both know that barely registered as a kiss. "Well, I was going to say that...," he starts, tugging me closer by pulling my thighs to him. In the blink of an eye, he's suddenly pushing me off of him and laying me down on the couch. He sneaks his way to lean over me, his hands near my head on the armrest of the couch. "I wanted to show you just how much of a pleasure it's been."

    "Lee!" I say but I'm not angry at all. How was it that minutes ago I was determined not to even let him near me?

    "Miss Ivory, I'm only looking at the positive side like you told me to," he explains in a whisper. His torturous kisses begin on my neck and start traveling every trail on my body. Lee slides back up to my ear and whispers, "I'm going to redefine pleasure for you, baby. One last time."

    After, we squish against each other on the small couch. We're both on our sides with a light blanket covering our bodies. Lee holds his face with one arm, one elbow on the armrest. The other hand is playing with my hair. I cuddle next to him, my fingers drawing random things on his chest. I definitely missed him.

    "Now that we've both accepted what's going to happen, let's go crazy tonight," I say. We speak in hushed tones because we don't need the world to hear, just each other. Also because it's like two in the morning by now. I never get sleep because of him.

    Lee's eyebrows pinch together. "I thought we just did go crazy?"

    I sigh but my smile betrays me. "I mean let's get naked." I look at our situation and that gleam returning to Lee's eyes. "No. I mean we already are but I mean, like, emotionally. Let's just talk and talk until our voices are dry and gone. Let's kiss until our lips fall off and drink wine and listen to horrible music. Let's pretend this night will last forever. Anything to distract us from the evident truth of tomorrow."

    "Okay, Juliet," he agrees. "Actually you're more of a Shakespeare with all of your poetic ramblings." We both laugh and his chest vibrates under my hand. He tugs me closer. "But, no, really, let's. Nothing else makes me happier."

    "We really have become Romeo and Juliet, haven't we?" I whisper to his chest as I hug him. "I love you, Lee. I think I will love you forever."

    He mocks being hurt. "You think? Well, I know I will love you forever so I win."

    "I already have my prize though," I say, kissing him.

    "True," he murmurs against my lips. When we pull away from each other, he stands, covering himself in a humorous way with a pillow. "A dance, my lady? Just like the beginning?"

    I giggle but stand, wrapping a blanket around myself. "Just like our end."

    "Please, Shakespeare, save me from your poetic babbling," he jokes and I whack him with the pillow he was holding. He yelps before pulling his pants on. I do not mind at all dancing with shirtless Lee. "But first, I must change this horrendous music."

    Halfway through our clumsy dance and off-key singing about being beautiful and getting high to You're Beautiful by James Blunt, I break out laughing. "I can't believe we're doing this."

    "You asked for crazy," he says. His blue eyes shine just like they did the first time we danced like this. The crinkles near his eyes when he's happy almost look permanent. His hands is on my back, holding me like glass as always. He leans in for a kiss and presses his lips on mine. When he pulls away, it looks as if he's the happiest man on the planet. A grin that could save the world lights upon his face. And I know this is how I'll forever remember and picture Lee Richardson.

    "I did."

 t h e e n d.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS OUT THERE! FOR ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT AND EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR ME! KISSES, BITCHES xx

i'm just kidding u big oafs. just making sure half of you aren't falling alseep while reading this! :-)

i luv making people panic

but as u can see, once in a blue moon, i upload more than one chapter in a short time period! so enjoy it while u can, my loves! but sincerely thank u for all the support you have given me. hearts and flowers to all of you ♥

questions for all my true fans: have you ever danced in the rain? if you haven't, please do so next time. but then, my question is: what was the last lie you've spoken?