Chapter Forty-Eight

September continues no matter what condition my heart is in. That's life.

                   "And so, if you remove the nucleus of the cerebral membrane of a proton, what do you think happens?" my physics professor asks. "What would be the rate of it happening, given the right circumstances?" (a/n: the physics here is fake af bc it's summer and i'm brain dead)

            I am doodling circles over and over on the corner of my notebook, my face pressed into the palm of my hand as I lean lazily on the desk. Lee hasn't spoken to me since the dinner. The only place I see him is on celebrity news with Penny. More public outings and things like that. Can't say it doesn't bite each time I see it.

           In a way, what happened at that restaurant is a good thing. I can let go of him more easily if he gives me a reason to hate him. Sometimes, I wonder if that's why he did it. But then I realize I shouldn't give him so much credit. He could have also genuinely just have doubted me and never trusted me. It's easier to hate him.

          "Ivory?"

           I jolt up, pen flying out of my hand. "Yes, professor?"

            The slightly older man puts his hands behind his back. "We're going around the room trying to guess what happens to a molecule if you amplify its protons. What is your input?"

             Shit.

           Unlike high school, there is nothing that can save me. No bell signaling the end of class. The professor determines the dismissal here. Other students don't dare interrupt the professor in any way. It's my fault for spacing out anyway. This class costs money and I'm throwing it down the drain by thinking about stupid things.

            I shamefully look down. "Sorry, sir, I wasn't paying attention."

          He doesn't reprimand me. He lets me sink on my own, which is embarrassingly worse. All he does is clear his throat and moves onto the next person. "Stacy?"

             When class finally does let out, I take a breath of air outside, rubbing my hands together against the slow chill that's been slithering into the daily weather. It's been a rough week—hell, it's been a rough month. I'm disappointed in myself for not trying harder.

          "Ivory!"

           I grin just at the voice. One person has kept me sane.

             Looking up, I wave. Daniel jogs over to me, two drinks in his hand, and his breath visible in the air due to the cold. I already know one of them is for me. He's wearing a cream, thick sweater and jeans. I've noticed Daniel loves big sweaters but he never wears coats. I disapprove.

           "Daniel," I reprimand, "where is your coat?"

                 He stands in front of me, handing me my usual hot chocolate. Daniel always comes around when my physics class ends since his literature class ends fifteen minutes earlier close by. He always brings me something to eat or drink. "I hate coats," he answers, his cheeks red as apples.

                 We walk together and I nudge him with my shoulder. "You need a coat. It's getting colder. Wouldn't want you getting a cold, would we?"

        Daniel takes a sip of his coffee, readjusts his glasses, and grins at me. "Aw, you're worried about you, aren't you?"

              I smirk. "Well, how else would I get access to unlimited hot chocolate?"

           His face drops along with his jaw. "Cruel to the bone!"

           We walk a couple more minutes before going down into the subway. It's busy and cramped due to it being near the time everyone comes home from work or school. I almost lose Daniel in the stifling setting but I see his big wooly sweater and take his hand before I do. He looks back and his cheeks are a bit red—from the cold is what I tell myself—and he squeezes my hand back.

           On the train, we stay next to the door. It's too much of a hassle to even go through the crowded mass. Our destination, the dorms, is two stops away so there's no point in attempting to find a seat.

             "Are you going to the fair?" he asks, holding onto a pole connected to the seats next to the door.

                The doors open as we slow to the next stop. People get off, pushing through and me out of the way. Daniel brings a hand to my waist and pulls me so close our chests are touching, but it does the trick since people pass without shoving into me.

                  "What fair?" I say, looking up. My hands are loosely pressed against his chest and I can feel him breathing as his stomach rises and falls. Maybe we're a bit too close.

               Daniel begins biting his lip and looking away, his cheeks turning a light pink. "I-It's for clubs and stuff, I hear. Tanner said it started at, like, four."

              "Oh, really?" I ask. "I guess I'm going then. I need to get more involved with school and maybe even find a hobby. Volunteering at the hospital isn't enough. Maybe this fair will inspire me so much that I'll be able to major in something!"

               He grins down at my excitement. "Maybe."

               I smile back and a moment of silence stretches long between us. For a split second, the train's not there. I don't hear the awkward silence of forty passengers. I don't feel suffocated by the close proximity of just about everyone. All I see are Daniel's hazel eyes and lazy grin. He smells like chocolate and I can feel the heat from his hot chocolate since he's holding my waist and hot chocolate at the same time. I feel warm and it's not just from the temperature.

             What the hell? This is Daniel.

         My lips move to form words and I'm about to say something. I don't know what I'm trying to say but it doesn't get out since the train stops again and the doors open.

         "Our stop," Daniel says and eases away from the pole and me, stepping out.

          I feel a random sense of loss but ignore it as I follow after him. On the sidewalk, Daniel keeps his distance, walking a couple feet ahead of me. I don't know why but I don't argue, feeling some strange need to keep the distance like there's a secret, unspoken vow lingering between us.

            "Do you want to just come up to my dorm so I can change into another shirt?" I ask Daniel, jogging ahead to walk side by side. "I got a coffee stain on this one in the morning and it's been bothering me all day."

            Daniel looks down at me, my shirt, and then a blush takes over his face. "I...I don't know if I should—"

             "I'll be five minutes top! I'll buy you a donut."

            At the mention of a donut, Daniel straightens and turns to me. His excitement is evident on his face but he quickly tries replacing it with a more nonchalant look. Over the month, I've found his weaknesses. "I mean," Daniel says, groaning. "If you must insist."

                "Yay!" I say, pulling him faster to my dorm building. "Let's go, Diabetes Daniel."

            I shut the door behind him when he enters my dorm. It's a bit of a mess. Both Giselle and I haven't made our beds today and our clothes are mixed and strewn across the floor. I think I see a neon pink bra of mine in direct eyesight on my bed. My eyes widen. I never should've let Giselle drag me to go "back-to-school" shopping.

            "Daniel, oh look, donuts!" I say, pointing somewhere randomly. His head turns and I jump on the bed, throwing the bra under my bed.

             "What? There aren't any—what are you doing?"

           I prop myself on my elbow, posing. "Seducing you."

            He rolls his eyes. "Wow, you're hilarious." Daniel slips off his backpack and puts it on my chair. "Hurry and change. I don't want to get caught by the Nazi."

           The Hitler has been doing random dorm room checks ever since some cocaine was found in the kitchen the other day. Casual, I know. She'd accidentally used it as sugar and oh, it was definitely not sugar. She's turned up her strictness to the highest notch since then. One time, I was in the middle of changing rapidly in the dorm since I was late for class and she came right in. It was great. I would sue her if I cared enough.

          "Close your eyes. I'm going to change here," I say, hopping off the bed. He takes my spot and sits down on the bed, rolling his eyes again and looking the other way. I grab the cleanest shirt off the floor and throw off the current one I was wearing. When I was done, I tell him, "Ready."

               He stands but something tangles his step and he almost trips.

               I laugh. "Careful, bud."

             Daniel glares at me before bending down to untangle himself and I almost wish I hadn't teased him because it's the same bra I'd tried to hide earlier. Crap. I should've shoved it under my mattress or something. He holds it up, unaware at first since he's more focused on trying to get free, but when realization dawns on his face, he yelps and throws the bra against the window. "Ivory! I swear I didn't mean to—"

               I run a hand through my hair, laughing nervously. "No big deal, ha-ha! Let's go."

                His cheeks remain red as tomatoes as he shuffles out of the room, obviously trying to get out of here as fast as possible. When I'm shutting the door, I realize my make-up mirror is perched on my night stand and Daniel probably could've saw me change. Not that he's a slime ball and not that I'm saying he's that kind of person but we're all human and I would've peeked just a little if it was the other way around.

               I lock the door with my dorm key and head down the hallway with him. He looks over and smiles at me, as if that whole situation was funny, which it is. I smile back.

             It's strange because it's almost as if I kind of hope he peeked.

"Hey, guys!" Tanner says when we get to the fair.

             It's being held at one of the campus building's balcony. It isn't really a balcony but it's just this open space that is half outside and half of it inside with large greenhouse-like windows. There are japanese lanterns hung from trees, courtesy of the Japanese Club. Some people are crowding some dancers from the Hip-Hop club. I see many tables and stands as the Future DJs Club throws on some beats. My eyes run over some: The Medical-Careers Club, Political Science Party, Art, Gourmet and Cuisine, and more.

            Giselle stands next to him, sipping a sample drink from one of the food clubs. She's in a nice dark red casual t-shirt dress. She grins at me. "My girl, Ivory!"

            Tanner hooks an arm around Giselle's neck. "And there's my boy, Danny!"

             Giselle looks up at Tanner with an annoyed face. "Hands off, Tan! We are not pals."

               I sigh at them. When I first introduced them to each other, I had been wicked excited. I was going to have a group of good old friends—my "squad" plus Jess who's doing her own thing to join us—but all of that shattered when reality set in and Giselle and Tanner hated each others' guts. When it comes to arguments, it's mostly Giselle, but sometimes Tanner. I guess they both have too loud personalities that clash every other second.

               Tanner ruffles Giselle's hair. "C'mon, Elle, loosen up!"

             Mistake number one, Tanner. As much as Giselle tries to come off as cool and effortless, living with her has taught me many things about her. One, she gets up an hour early to curl and crimp her hair in the right way to come off messy but beautiful. She expertly applies her dark make-up and bright lipsticks and makes sure her outfits are all a bit whatever but also a bit stylish.

              It's almost as if I can see Tanner cranking up the angry music box that is Giselle, only she's not going to spring up and dance for him. Instead, she throws her drink at him and storms off. Fortunately for him, there was only a little left but still the pink juice she had been drinking drips down Tanner's fuming face.

            "What the hell is her problem?" he yells, using his shirt to wipe his face. "God! I can't take her anymore! Tell her I'm not speaking to her until she apologizes!"

           "Then she'll never apologize," Daniel mutters, hands in his pockets. I snicker but stop myself when I see Tanner's face getting angrier by the second.

            "Ugh!" Tanner shouts. "I don't get girls!" And then he storms off as well.

            Daniel and I stay still for ten seconds before turning to each other and rolling our eyes together. We're usually the peacekeepers but lately we just let them fall back on their own. It's too tiring.

                 "So you wanna check out the Donut Club?" he asks and I giggle.

             "Let's."

             The evening turns out to be very fun. Daniel and I start off at the Donut Club, which is surprisingly a real club, devouring their free samples while their adviser yells at us. We laugh and head off to the next table. Daniel sits down for a quick game against one of the Chess club members, rightfully losing before we head off to the Design Club where a handful of ladies and two guys try putting their latest design on me. It's a weird scarf that can be wrapped around your body so it's almost a dress. Unique but strange.

         "Damn it!" Daniel cries when he loses a game of Bullseye with the Physics club who promise they promote science in a fun way. I might even join that since I'm falling behind in my actual class lately.

            Daniel high-fives a couple of his buddies at the Spanish Club. He's already one of their favorite members and I can tell when the president, a senior, pats Daniel on the back and they laugh over something. He's so easy to get along with.

          "What're you smiling at?" he asks when he waves goodbye to his friends.

            My eyebrows furrow. "I am?" I realize I am and go back to my default face. "Oh."

           While I'm starting to absentmindedly think about life, Daniel suddenly freezes and holds onto me for dear life. "Ivory."

            "What? What?" I look side to side. Is there a spider or...?

            "Look at the Business Builders club!" he exclaims. There's too many people to exactly pinpoint where he's pointing but that's no problem since he pulls me along. When I get there, my heart stops. A poster of Lee is hung as a prime example of success and the club's goals for all its members. I stand still as Daniel rambles. "Wow, I love this guy! He is, like, my ultimate idol. I partly majored in Business because of him. Half because of my mom but dang, when I saw how successful and humble this guy was despite running a billion dollar company, I knew I wanted to follow his footsteps. It's crazy he's only a couple years older because he's so—" I zone out in the middle of that.

             The poster is the same one I first saw almost a year ago. Lee's in the middle of taking off his tie in the photo and giving the camera a smoldering gaze as he does. Candy first showed me this picture the night of Peter's annual party, casually flipping through some magazine. Looking back on it now, it makes me realize how crazily it all began. Memories of first meeting Lee and talking to him. How distant he was. How cold.

             I wonder how it would be if I never met him. The magazine could've had some other young rising star. With the pain of his accusations still fresh in my heart, a part of me wishes I kind of never did.

         To love is to risk losing everything. Even your own senses or yourself.

            "Ivory? Hello? Donut Daniel landing on Planet Ivory! Hello?"

           I shake my head as if to physically shake Lee Richardson out of my head and heart. "Sorry, Daniel. What were you saying?"

            "I said," Daniel says, looking at me seriously as if he's found out something wrong with me. "I said, do you want to go grab some dinner? You still owe me a donut but I guess a dinner with yours truly will pass."

       An automatic smile unravels on my face. Don't look at me like that. I'm fine. I will be. "Yes, of course! Do you wanna tell Tanner or Giselle or is it just us?"

         Daniel takes out his phone, quickly typing something before shutting it and putting it back into his back pocket. "I just texted the group chat," he tells me and looks up with a hopeful glance, "but for now...just us."

      I smile genuinely this time. "On we shall go!"

          He wraps an arm around my shoulder in a friendly manner. "Oh, the roads that wait!" he sings and I wrap my arm around his shoulder and we walk like fools to the subway.

          On the train, it's a bit easier to breathe since it's been a few hours since rush hour. But then again, when isn't it rush hour? We switch trains and walk until we're at Times Square. It's very cliche but Daniel and I are still not over the fact we live blocks away from such a globally known place. Every Friday or Saturday, we try to do something here whenever we're alone. Since Tanner and Giselle won't be joining us, it's another Daniel & Ivory night in the city.

          A sudden thought hits me: Is this a date? All these things we've been going on...Are they?

           I shut the thought down as fast as I shut down my computer after slaving over an essay all night. Daniel takes my hand and we walk to McDonald's since we're pretty much too broke to afford anything else. Once in a while, we both pitch in for a nice cute dinner somewhere but it's usually McDonald's.

            When did it become so natural and nonchalant to hold each other's hands?

               It's not special, I tell myself. I hold hands with Giselle sometimes when we go out. Sometimes, it's because it's crowded and sometimes we just do. So yeah, Daniel's just another friend. Today, I've been weirdly cautious of everything I do with Daniel. Has time made me start to pay attention to him more? The guy who's saved my ass since we met?

             "Two vanilla shakes with extra cherries," Daniel tells the bored looking employee. He takes out his wallet and I immediately stop him.

          "No, I'll pay," I say, reaching for the crumpled cash I carry in my pocket.

             He places his hand over mine and pushes it away. "Don't think about it. I got it."

            I nod because he seems so dead set on paying and we're friends so it's okay. Right? Daniel looks over the overhead menu again, the lights shining blue and pink on his face. His nose is funny. It's a little crooked at the bridge and sometimes I think maybe it's because his glasses are basically glued to his face but I like it. It's different. He has a beard sometimes and every time he shaves, I almost never recognize him. Today, he does. Everyday, his hair is unruly and a mess that works. It looks soft.

         Daniel's head abruptly turns. "Oh my god, do you wanna get the cook—" He catches me staring and his eyes squint. "Are you okay?" His right hand comes up and gently presses against my forehead. "You've been acting weird all day. Maybe you've caught the flu...."

          I step back like he's stung me. "No, no, I'm all right!"

         He winces but he nods. "O-kay."

           What am I doing? Am I seriously checking Daniel out? I thought I loved Lee. Yes, he kind of tore me into ten pieces when he accused me of airing his past but what we had was deep. It hasn't even been two months and I'm already considering Daniel? I want to hit myself. I'm just lonely. I'm just lonely and I'm being manipulative because I know Daniel liked me and I'm using that and him to fill up the hole Lee punched out. I don't want to use Daniel. I don't want to hurt him.

       If I give him my heart, I want him to take all of it. No lingering fingerprints of someone else.

          We sit down with our shakes and fries and Daniel sets off into some story about something funny that happened today. He talks like an animation with shiny eyes and moving hands, smiling and grinning. I don't even hear him. I'm trying to figure out how I feel and laugh and nod in the right places.

           "And then the dude completely fell!" he bursts, snorting on his drink. He puts down his shake and starts laughing and coughing simultaneously. "You—you should've seen his—his face!"

        I smile into my palm, leaning into him. "Really?"

            "Y-Yeah!" Daniel grins but then the coughs return and he hits his chest with his fist.

            "Breathe, Danny-boy, breathe," I softly say, giving him napkins to wipe away the drops of the shake that are flying everywhere.

          He wipes at his mouth and his coughs reside to a small tickle in his throat. "God, I really needed this," Daniel confesses. "I was feeling so homesick today." Suddenly, his grin disappears for a split second and his eyebrows twitch into each together and his chin wobbles a little and I want to hug him. He smiles at me again but his eyes are sad. "Thanks."

           "What are friends for?" I reply, the most horrible answer ever, as he takes a sip of the shake.

          "You're a true pal, Ivory," he says and I roll my eyes because he's so stupid. Everything he says is geeky or comedic. I don't know what I'd do without him either since the homesickness hits me randomly. When I look at him again, he has a bit of shake near his bottom lip since Daniel is stupid and can't even use a straw.

          I'm about to tell him to wipe it away but my eyes seem to magnetically stop at his lips. They're almost red from him pressing his lips together so much. He kept trying to keep in his laughter in when he was retelling the tale of the guy in his class who randomly fell off his chair during Literature class. Now, they're almost like the cherries we ordered and I wa—

           "Ivory?" Daniel says and when I look into his eyes, I know he can see through me and what I'm thinking about. And when he opens his mouth, I know he's going to call me out on it so I immediately spout out, "You have some vanilla shake on your chin!"

          His eyebrows furrow as he wipes it away but he murmurs, "Thanks."

        A seat opens up on the train home and Daniel gestures for me to sit. I stare at him and shake my head, telling him he already did so much today. He got my mind off my life and bought me dinner and took me to the fair. He insists again but I firmly stand my ground, literally clutching the pole next to the empty seat.

          "Stubborn loser," Daniel says, sitting down and sighing, partly in relief since we've walked around a lot today. Both him and I are getting used to the walking around here slowly.

         I look down at him. "How's the weather down there?"

          He sits up from his slump and holds onto the pole I am. "Great, Ivory, great."

          "Good." I turn away from him because I'll end up weirdly staring at him again if I do and he's caught me too many times today. Hell, I've caught myself too many times today thinking about Daniel. How did this even happen? One minute, you're crazy about one boy and he's your world and you have a million problems but then the next, there's this geek loser who stumbles in with his red cheeks and big glasses who helps you when you're trying to save yourself. And then you're confused and sick and nervous and—

          I feel pressure at my stomach and I'm alarmed at first but I look down and it's Daniel. Well, his head. He's looking at his feet but his head is pressed against my belly, his right hand snaking behind my knee to hold on.

         And it's one of those moments. There are no words for it and there don't need to be. You just feel this weight in the air and your heart kind of drops before beginning again at a pace fast enough to kill you. You kind of forget the world and you feel yourself freezing up.

           All I can do is calm myself, shut up both my head and my mouth before it begins, and grip the pole a little tighter. If I speak, the moment will break. This warm atmosphere will disappear.

         I place my left hand over Daniel's soft, dark hair and run it through softly again and again throughout the ride. There are no words for this and for us and what's going on but I don't dare accidentally ruin this moment.

         With his hair between my fingers, head on my stomach, hand behind my knee, I stand still and keep my heart even more steady as the train whizzes by in a city where millions of people are having their own heart-stopping moments. And I breathe.

hey hey hey wow this has been a roller coaster!!! is Ivory feeling a flutter for Daniel? tun tun TUNNNNN #davory

i'm going to hide behind my fort while all of u throw forks at me bc i haven't updated in a whole month and possibly more BUT I SWEAR I HAVE GOOD REASONS!  between hospital volunteering and working with kids and actual job work and AP work and the two day naps in between, it's been busy! but recently i finished my AP english work so i'm taking a quick hibernation so expect updates!

i've been trying to do many crazy things this summer and so far i've gone on road trips, bonfires, casual dinners with friends, ziplining, painting watercolor, watching the sunrise & sunset, swimming in the ocean, sleeping, exploring boston, etc!!! today i almost went para-sailing and tomorrow i'm hiking in NH so yeah!!! i need to summer (yes, summer is a verb in my book) before summer actually ends WHICH IS SOON :(

any ideas for summer fun is helpful! (preferably price range between free to under $100) ♥

i'm also a mentor and i have to show freshmen around lol....."here's the math hall," i lie, showing them the bathrooms AHAHAH I'M GOING TO RUIN THEM BECAUSE 1) i'm upperclass bitch! 2) i wish i was still a freshmen so im jelly bc im getting saggy and old

speaking of summer, i'm trying to vlog on youtube!!! YES ME!!! VLOG.G.GING!!!!! i'm so embarassing lmao but yeah if you wanna check me out THAT'S COOL my username is GirlGetaway and you probably won't find me bc i have 2 subscribers, one of them probably my mother :)

to find me, type GirlGetaway in youtube and filter it so it shows u channels. i'm the girl in the pink sweater holding a strawberry mug!! :-) so me :-)

here's a link? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC83IZG7rMtdPvEvtNtVQF3Q  i'll put it in the external link.

the main reason i want to is because i sincerely want to remember everything i love doing but i have terrible memory and i want to be able to relive memories but i also don't wanna be too absorbed in trying to capture everything on video so it's just here and there of my life. the name "girlgetaway" is about me, a girl, getting away or maybe its a getaway with only female(s). it could mean a lot of things.

here's my most recent video:

i'm a cool loser ok

LOVE YOU GUYS AS ALWAYS xoxo 

bc i love when u comment and talk to me and it literally lights up my week: What's your favorite summer memory so far? And if you don't have one for this year, tell me any! xx