a/n: description of drug use

My right hand adjusted the tuning pegs of the brown acoustic guitar. I had not picked it up in a long time, some strings seemed to have loosened. I struck the thickest wire and was satisfied with the tune of the E string. The next was the A string, it was off. A sigh managed to escape my lips before I could fight it back. Still adjusting the guitar wires, I looked to my phone to observe the time on the time. It was 7:45pm. The day had turned from fast to too slow for me from when my course advisor demanded for my presence in her office while I was with Jide and with the efforts I used in avoiding my course mates...or soon to be former course mates.

I struck the next string with my pick and the sound—low and slightly terrible—caused my memories to spill out. The only memory I wish had never happened. The driving, the argument and the car-meet-trailer situation. I shook my head and focused on tuning the guitar again. The school had been compassionate enough to allocate two months of grieving time to me. But ever since I returned to school I did not bother to catch up. There was no need to. With or without music, school was not for me anymore.

"What do you want to do now, Ite?" I replayed the conversation with my course advisor. The middle aged senior lecturer who tried her best to stay up to date with her makeup skills was the only one school staff who called me by the name, mainly because she was a family friend.

I had found the call for papers posters on the walls more interesting than her face, I did not want to see the reaction she would give. "I am dropping out."

"What? God forbid," She was practically my second mother, "that won't happen Ite, that cannot happen you know it."

"Maami," My mother had forced her children to call any female she respected a lot, even if they were not of Yoruba origin, by that word. She said it showed we valued them as our non-biological mothers. It was a tag I liked to give, but I had grown up with identifying she and four other women with the word. Therefore now, it carried no real sense of meaning to me since I was not the one who respected them. "Its either I do that or I fail. Now that I think about it, either way, I'll fail."

She breathed out, "God forbid, you will not fail." Her voice was firm.

How many things does God forbid?

"Is it because of this your singing thing?" She talked on, reminding me of the fact that she hated my choice to go into music. She had spoken with my parents at the beginning and told them I planned to waste my intelligence. But thanks to my brother, my parents had let me continue. "Or is it because of the..."

The tone of her voice made me look at her face. She wore a heartbroken mother facial expression which made me uncomfortable. "Its just a personal decision."

"Ite, do your parents know about this decision?" I prayed she would not end up lecturing me on how hard my parents had worked to get me into school, paid my fees and made me be where I was today. I knew I was not throwing it away. I was preventing my already happy memories of school from becoming sour, because humans most times remember terrible times more than good times.

"I'd like them not to know till I can call them," which was impossible because when your family friend is your course advisor, its always like your parents are the head of the school—every matter was reported to them.

She stared at me for some time before struggling with the drawer on her side of her table. I cautined myself not to let out the laugh already in my throat but it must have been evident on my face because a smile was on her bright red painted lips as she looked at me.

"Take this," I collected a green flier from her. The words written in bold were; Feeling sad? Feeling mad? Feeling feelings you can't explain? Talk to someone. Visit the counselor at Guidance and Counseling room.

"Thank you?" that was my polite way of asking what it was and why she gave it to me. I knew I did not feel sad or mad or have feelings I could not explain.

"Before you consider dropping out, visit the counselor ehn," I turned the back of the paper and was greeted with plain white.

"Maami, I have considered already. This would do nothing, absolutely nothing."

"Just visit there and get back to me in six weeks." I knew what she was doing. It was evident her plan was to trap me in the school system for the next weeks, which was not a smart move especially since the school exams were to start a three weeks after that time. Instead of saying a word to her I nodded and calmly stood up, a sign to her that I was ready to leave her presence.

"And Ite, eat biko, you look lean..." Her eastern accent appeared in her speech occassionally as a gentle reminder she was not western, only married to one. "...also call your parents."

"Alright Maami," or you could just call them and have them call me which was the most likely thing.

My eyes found the lyrics I had hastily typed into my phone as I made my way out of my course advisors office and took long paths to avoid getting seen by my mates. I stroked a chord and was satisfied wit the result. Slowly, I found the right strings and the best pattern for the tune I had in my head.

"How do you make these,

yellow lights fall on your skin?" my eyes trailed to the phone. "How do you make these,

dark nights illuminate so bright?

Why does the sky smile

when its sees you underneath the light?

Why does the earth laugh

when you talk a walk?"

I reduced the tempo of my voice, almost sounding like a whisper. "Funny I've got many

questions for you,

but they all vanish

when I'm around you,

one by one.

Like you're the only answer to everything.

"And then you try so hard to act like you are nothing

But its ironic" I closed my eyes as I took in the next set of words from my written lyrics which was already in my head. " You're a billion and more,

you just don't know it,

cause you're hurting and sore.

I wish you'd see it,

and know how great you are,

and how you command all of me

every time.

I wish you'd know that,

you are one of a kind.

I wish you'd feel like,

you're a billion and more..."

Reaching the part I identified as the chorus, I increased my voice tempo a little, "You're so much more than you think you are,

You're a billion and more,

you're so more.

You're so much more than you think you are,

You're so m—"

The blast of sound from my phone startled me. I grudgingly opened my eyes and reached for the device ready to yell at the person who chose to interrupt my personal concert. Unfortunately, it was the number saved as "Muahahaha" with an old woman emoji, a baby emoji and another old woman emoji. I could not yell at my mother. Silencing the ring, I dropped the device and tried to connect back with my song. I cleared my throat and began striking the guitar but as I was about to sing the words, the phone rang out. It was pathetic to ignore the call mostly because she would try all night if she had to. I placed the guitar by the side of my bed and answered, laying on my back.

"Mummy," I sighed, "good evening."

"Oh my baby, how are you?" the womans light voice graced my ear.

"I am fine, how are you and...father?"

"We are okay. We thank God." We were both silent after that. One reason why I never called my parents anymore was because we never have anything new to say. They always assumed I was not okay and tried hard to reassure me I was okay. It was an endless cycle of repeated words.

"How is school, omomi?" I scratched my hand, the spot where I had injected my self last. That reminded me I was low on syringes. I had two or three left and there was no way I could easily get it from the school pharmacy without a written document from a lecturer. This was because the school had caught a group of boys injecting a fresher with hard drugs a few years ago. And now that I declared I was to be a dropout I did not want to go back on my word and approach any lecturer for their help.

"That's why you called, right?"I knew there was no way it could have just been a coincidence that after I had spoken with my course advisor, she would call to just check up on me. "You must have spoken with Mrs. Adeshina"

"Well...she spoke to me and told me--"

"Yes mummy, I am dropping out or I want to but cannot until six weeks from now courtesy of your friend." I turned to my side and my eyes landed on my mirror. I needed to sort through the post-it notes and maybe I would get some new lyrics from there.

"God forbids that my child will not graduate." The woman on the other end of the call began. "Do you know what that would mean? We will not allow the enemy to laugh at us. Iteoluwakiishi, you will not bring shame to us." She began to sob and somewhere deep down in my chest I felt sad, but this was a better decision than failing the medical course and being a much bigger disgrace to them.

Finishing medical school was top priority for my fathers family as we come from a long line of doctors. My father had told my brother and I that his grandfathers grandfather had been a traditional doctor and his grandfathers father. It was his grandfather that had gone to school to learn to be a modern doctor. His father followed and so did he. My brother had successfully completed the first phase and took a gap year before choosing to apply for medical school. Now I was the son left and they wanted me to continue the legacy.

"Mummy, this is actually better. Trust me."

"How can I trust you when you don't talk to me again? I can't even know how my son is doing in school. You don't call or even come home during all public holiday or weekends. You don't even send common text message, I want to know Kiishimi,are you okay?" her voice shook. We had entered the part of our conversation where she assumed I was thinking.

"Yes mummy, I am."

"You know if you're not...you can come home and we can talk about it?"

"Yes mummy I know." My hand found its way to my head. I had the sudden urge to get a haircut. One like my brothers. I had always been the one to fancy keeping hair, at the moment I thought different.

With all this talk, I was really beginning to think.

"You know I love you right? We...we love you." She went on and I rolled my eyes. Did rolling eyes ever result in blindness? That was a fun fact I needed to check out.

"Yes mummy, now can you stop. I am not planning on becoming a killer or killing myself."

Was there truth in the lie I said?

"Ar...are you planning to do so?"

"Mummy, I don't know. Do you want me to? All these questions are making me sick right now," I groaned and heard her sob the more. I put the phone on loud speaker just as my parents switched who talked to me.

"Iteoluwa, what is this I am hearing about you dropping out?" the baritone voice made me picture his large hazel eyes full of anger, full lips in a thin line and all of his forehead with a never leaving frown. When I was little, I had been extremely scared of his angry stares because that meant he was in no mood to take nonsense. Now, I was sure it amused me more than scare.

"Hi father." I knew what next he would say. It was almost like he was programmed to say the exact same words after I greet him with 'HI'. He went like; Hi? Have you lost your mind? Do you tell your lecturers hi? And you have the effrontery to tell me hi? Are you sick? Do you need us to come pick you up? We miss you Kiishi.

"Hi?" he began and I sat up, vibrating with silent laughter. "Have you lost your mind?" He paused and breathed in and then out, loud enough for me to hear.

"Ite, what is wrong?" My laughter stopped. He had to spoil the only fun I got from his speeches. When did he learn new words to say to me?

"Sir?" I tried to understand what he meant by wrong.

"Why are you doing this? You know you're not at fault." I sat up, my body ached a bit and so did my brain whenever my parents unintentionally reminded me of the terrible night. It replayed itself in my head.

"Nothing father. I just cannot promise to be good at this school thing again." I told him truthfully retrieving the phone and staring at the screen. I wished they would all understand that this was the best decision. I, for one did not like to study the course in the first place but it had meant pleasing my father and that was all I wanted to do, then.

"Do you think its just for now? If we agree would you try again?" His voice was unusually calm, it made me hope he was alright himself, both physically and mentally.

"Father," I searched my head for the best choice of words to say to him. "Father look, I know it has always been the legacy for every Sijuade male to become a doctor, but that Legacy ended with my brother. I cannot continue what I hate--"

"What you hate? What do you mean what you hate?" His voice tempo increased. One unwritten rule was to never hate my fathers career and let him know or he'd bite your head off.

"I hate it. It reminds me of Tola." For months I had not said his name out loud. For months I avoided things that would make me say his name. And now it dropped from my lips like heavy metal. Mentioning his name made me want to punch something. I saw his oval face and full eyebrows, his eyes—like mine but always with the mischievous glint and his kind smile. I heard his laughter and then I saw blood, everywhere. All I wanted to do now was scream. Scream and break everything I could touch. But at the same time I wanted to be crushed just the same way he had been.

"Everything reminds us of Tola, don't use your dead brother as an excuse to stop your duties. That would be disrespectful. Honor the dead." My father growled now but I was more provoked than he was. Had he just said honor the dead? Why do people give advise on to do things which they do not do themselves? For his statement I hated him.

I held the phone tightly wishing I could see his face as I responded. "Honor the dead? You tell me to honor the dead? What did you do to my brothers things a week after he died? You gave it away like he was not a part of the family. If I had not taken a few of his things or if mummy had not locked his room door shut and hid the key you would make sure no personal belongings of his are around.

"What did you do to his pictures? You kept them in that forsaken metal box and locked it up like he was someone you had banned from the family. What did you do to his certificates? Hid them." I rembered how I searched for his Bachelors Degree Certificate to keep among my things to remind me of how, through all he went through—physically but mostly mentally—he made sure to be the best in school. Still for the sake of my father because he was not into the course also.

"And you tell me to honor him by studying the one thing he knew I struggled with just to impress you. He directed me father, he helped me keep good grades, he motivated me every time. At a point I planned to change courses or leave school for good but he...he made a deal with me. Medicine for Music." My chest tightened with the memory of my fresher days when I would sit in the corner of his apartment and frown all day at the course scheme or how I would hear how the exams were graded with a mark removed when a question was answered wrong and would stomp my feet on the ground wishing I had chosen something I enjoyed studying. Adetola always patted my head and talked me into believing I could do anything.

"You claim I am disrespecting him? How many times did you do try to understand what he liked to do since he died? Or have you ever visited his room to look at what made him...him? Instead you shun every memory of him like you're the one grieving the most."

I gritted my teeth, "I really don't care if you disown me after all these, I honestly don't care about a lot of things right now, you included. I am dropping out and that's final. Tell mummy I love her." I ended the call in no time not wanting to hear a response. My hands shook uncontrollably and my whole body felt like I was in a rapidly tumbling vehicle once again. This was why I hated living in the past. Tossing the phone onto the bed, I made my way to my wardrobe. I checked the pockets of the jeans on the hanger, I found nothing. My head wobbled a bit, I growled silently digging into the folded shirts. One by one I threw them out until I found what I wanted.

My hand grabbed a hold of the small transparent nylon with contents of white powder. I did not have the strength to mix it with water and search for a syringe. All of me ached and I could not bear the pain, I wanted to get rid of it, forget all of it. My hands shook more than before but I pushed myself to the ground and poured the contents on the floor. One hand covered my left nostril while the other supported my weight. I sniffed as quickly as I could, hungry to get rid of all I felt.

I closed my eyes and rolled onto my back, counting the second until it kicked in. At once the shaking stopped and I opened my eyes to meet a dark room. The electricity had been taken. In the dark I began to see tiny lights, like stars all coming together to form a constellation. 

It all felt like I was Ptolemy, the Greco-Egyptian astronomer, connecting the dots and being able to name constellations. Or maybe I was one of the plenty my eyes could see. I raised my hand to reach out to the which looked birdlike.

Aquilla, I remembered. The constellation identified as an eagle. Each star scattered away at the impact of my touch before coming together again. Carefully, the bird wings flapped and flew all around, making swirls and turns until a loud noise rang out which caused everything to disappear, leaving me in the dark with the only light from my communication device. I frowned and hoped it wasn't my parents that had interrupted my beautiful session. I wasn't in the mood to discuss with my talent manager either.

With strength, I got off the ground and made my way towards my bed, the wind outside had picked. My lips widened as I saw the caller. My beautiful session just became more beautiful.

°°°
well, hello to you.

real sorry this didn't come on a Thursday, was down pretty bad or actually, I was a lot more better than the days before that, but I'm fully better, yaay.

so, how did you see this chapter?

next chapter coming
omo