CHAPTER EIGHT !
( entry's )

HER UNFORTUNATE HEARTBREAK was seemingly a blessing in disguise.

for months on end, kennedy felt blocked lyrically. the motivation and creativity felt drained from her. maybe because of xander.

before her relationship, lyrics flowed from her pen as if it were conversing with the contact of the paper. she spoke her mind. her deepest thoughts. and put them into song.

funny enough, the only time she felt in any way musically compelled, was after an argument between her and her "love."

although she never really wrote lyrics. she journaled her thoughts, when she could. every emotion, written in blue ink on the beige lined papers.

it frustrated her, that she couldn't write music. she wanted too. she tried too. every chance she she could get to sit in front of her piano, or pluck notes on her guitar, he found someway to pull her away from it.

after that dreadful night, she packed up her things, and flew to her childhood home. she didn't want to be in the same city as him. let alone the same state.

when she arrived, she reread over each entry. only. the words, and the emotions tugged at her heart strings. so instead, she resorted to having those words and emotions tug at her guitar strings instead.

within the singular week of her being in her home, each word she had written seemed to fill her mind with music. she didn't let this opportunity go to waste, so she went through every entry. rereading them, over, and over again. underlining the words that stood out the most to her.

entry #1

we had our second argument today.

i've never done this type of stuff, so i'm praying to god he never finds this notebook.

i can't talk to him about it, and i'd talk to dylan about it but she'd just tell me to leave him. i don't want too.

he doesn't get it. the argument was about my family mainly. i just wanted to go and visit them. it was just gabi's birthday for gods sake.

he doesn't understand.

he will never know what we've been through. he will never know what i've been through. i wish he'd be more gentle with me.

gabi turned 17. and of course her father wasn't there for it. he wasn't there for mine either. he hasn't been their for the past 7 birthdays of gabi's.

arguing with him makes me so upset.

my heart feels so heavy. we aren't even broken up. we're still together. but the first time we argued it felt like my heart fell out of my body. and now that we argued again, it feels like it's fallen out twice.

entry #5

i can't do this. i can't keep arguing with him.

i had to meet with my lawyer today about some financial stuff, and of course, he saw me crying over some rude message you had sent me after i left without finishing whatever you were mad at me about this time.

he asked what was wrong. but i couldn't tell him, mainly because i didn't even know what you were mad about. i just told him boy problems.

he asked me where we met, like how i found you.

i don't even know at this point.

i guess people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.

i still find some way to love you through it though.

entry #7

i don't even remember the last time i wrote in this. but all i know is we've argued so many more times since then.

he got mad about some outfit i was wearing yesterday.

all i was hoping was for a compliment. but like you said, you're not the compliment type.

i feel stupid for thinking you'd actually compliment me.

i hate getting emotional.

but in a way i'm obsessed with you. and i hate it.

i just wish i could be enough for you.

that's really all for now. i guess this journal has just become where i can tell you how i really feel.

entry #8

guess who's back? me. cause we argued again.

i hated the way you manipulate me. it's what you always do. you're so good at what you do.

sometimes i really think to myself if you really love me. but i really hope to myself that i could change you. make it so you really love me.

i guess i'll have to see if changing you is possible.

i hate the fact that i overthink about these types of things. then again i really hope that i'm the love of you're life like you say i am. god i look so stupid. i'm always thinking if i'm actually the love of your life.

i just wish you'd think logically for once.

maybe you'd realize your the love of my life.

entry #13

you make everything so much worse than it needs to be. you make everything so hard. arguing with you is so unnecessary.

you've never physically done anything to me, yet somehow you're words are so violent.

i hate that you have this power over me.

entry #19

i don't get it. how can you not see that music is what i love.

how are you gonna tell me not to do what i love?

at least i can sing. at least i can write. all you do is dj. you can't even make your own music.

i hate that i can't even tell you this stuff. but all i can do is tell myself your envious of me. at least that makes me feel better.

entry #24

i hate your stupid friends. i hate that you make me call them MY FRIENDS. i don't like them. i never have. i never will.

all i was trying to do what make our bed. and of course you got mad because i wasn't getting ready to go hang out with your stupid fair-weather friends. their sad.

the last thing i want to be doing is getting drunk at clubs with them. sometimes i don't even want to be here anymore.

i don't want to be with you. i wish i was with the person i met when you first came into my life.

it's funny to think i've gotten so far, and just because of you, i don't wanna be where i am.

KENNEDY REREAD OVER ALL of the annotations she made while she was visiting her childhood home, just after getting off of the phone with nick.

when she had gotten to her house in new york, for the first time in while, she felt compelled to write music. she had practically written almost an entire album during her stay. seven songs, to be exact. she just had to finish them up. but she wasn't done just yet. she had so many more things to put together. she opened her nightstand drawer and pulled out the larger, thicker notebook labeled with bold words.

𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐎𝐎𝐊

she clicked the pen in her hand. but before she began finishing the album she had started, she had just a few things she had to say. for a final time.

entry #30

i'm back.

i know i promised myself i wouldn't be. but i had to say these last few things.

i'm writing an album.

i'll talk about how you fucked me over. and how you broke my heart.

but the album isn't about you.

it's about the things i should've said.

specifically to you.

avas note

uh oh, u don't get to find out what happened when she pulled xander outside that night JUSSTTTTT yet.

btw the underlined words are very important. (hint, listen to the spotify playlist 'things i should've said)

🤭🤭

much love,
ava <3

(unedited)