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chapter thirty-seven: hurts like hell
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INDIRA FINDS HER in the bowels of the Raddus, hiding behind a set of rusted metal pipes. She hears Rose before she sees her. Soft sniffling sounds are followed by deep, gut-wrenching sobs that give the technician's location away almost instantly. Indira hadn't thought that her heart could break any further, but the sound of the her friend crying is devastating. She doesn't have the slightest idea of what to say; especially when she knows that her words will never be able to do justice to the magnitude of how much Rose is hurting.

"Rose," she calls out, slowly approaching the spot where she can just barely see the younger girl's mustard colored uniform sticking out from behind the pipes. "I'm here."

No response.

"I'm so sorry, Rose," Indira continues, doing her best to keep her voice steady. "I'm so, so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now."

"Go away," Rose replies with a sniffle. "I just want to be alone."

Her heart sinks. "I just wanted to make sure that —"

"That I'm okay?" She asks hollowly. "Well, I'm not! I'm really, really not. So, please do me a favor and leave me alone."

"I can't do that," Indira sighs, taking a seat on the other side of the pipes. "You shouldn't be alone."

"Well, I am," Rose sniffles. "Paige is d-dead. Our parents are dead. I'm alone."

"But you're not," she says gently. "Not here; not when you have me and everyone else in the Resistance, too. Rose, believe me: I know what it's like to lose the one person that you care about most in this world. Before I came to the Resistance, I was so lost. But the people around me, they became my family. They gave me a home. They didn't abandon me and they won't abandon you either. You're not alone."

Indira hears Rose let out a few more quiet, stifled sobs before she hears the sound of other girl's feet scuffling on the floor as she stands. Indira scrambles off the ground quickly, turning to see Rose standing there; her face red and puffy from crying.

"You said that she would be fine," Rose tells her, chin quivering. "That she would come back."

Indira closes her eyes, biting back the flash of anger she feels towards the situation. The whole thing was a gigantic shit show and her boyfriend wasn't exactly blameless. "I know and I'm so sorry. I never thought that anything like this would happen."

     "I miss her already," Rose says, voice incredibly small. "I don't know what I'm going to do without her."

      "You don't have to figure it all out right now," she replies, pushing aside her own feelings to focus on Rose. "And I'll be right here, by your side, when you do — every step of the way."

     Rose blinks a few times at that, hugging herself and rocking back and forth. Indira opens her arms, stretching offering her an embrace. Immediately, the other girl's face crumples and she throws herself into Indira's arms, sobbing into the material of her shirt and soaking it with tears.

     "It hurts," Rose sniffles. "So, so much."

     "I know," Indira sympathizes as she holds her tight, wishing more than anything that she could take some of the younger girl's pain away. "It hurts like hell right now, but you're gonna get through this. I promise you, you will get through this."

     I owe it to your sister to make sure you do, she thinks, pressing a kiss to Rose's before and resting her cheek atop her head. I'll be damned before I fail at that.

"THAT'S IT; I GIVE UP," Poe announces, dropping his fork onto his lunch tray with a resounding clatter. Indira had spent the last twenty minutes watching the pilot push his food around his plate, growing more and more agitated with every passing second, until he finally abandoned all pretense of eating and shoved his tray away. "I can't eat; I just can't do it. Even thinking about it makes me feel sick."

Truth be told, she had been waiting for him to lose his cool like this. The tension had been visible in him since they first made the jump to hyperspace after the evacuation, leaving Poe's jaw clenched and shoulders hunched. Even so, he had managed to keep everything bottled up — right until now, in the middle of the Raddus's mess hall, where he appeared to have reached his final breaking point.

"Then don't eat," Indira replies, pulling his tray away. "And go take a shower and change your clothes."

"I don't need to shower," he protests, grinding his teeth together. "I need to speak to Leia. I need to debrief with her —"

"Leia is busy," Indira cuts him off. "She'll let you know when she wants to see you."

     "But I need to see her now," he argues, frustrated. "We still need to find a new base and replenish our stocks. Connix's inventory reported that we left a large amount of our munitions behind on the base and most of our fuel reserves — which we were already running low on, by the way. There is so much to do and I need to know if —"

"What you need to do, Poe Dameron, is relax," she tells him, grasping his hands in hers from across the table and forcing him to sit still. "If you go charging onto the bridge right now, guns blazing, Leia will not be happy with you. Go take a shower and clear your head."

He makes a frustrated noise. "But I just want to —"

"You want to feel useful; I know," Indira says. "You feel bad about what happened and now you want to make up for it. But you are a mess right now, Poe. You need to take some time and just breathe."

"I don't want to breathe; I want to know what our next move is," he interjects, tearing his hands out of hers. "My attack left us vulnerable, so now I have to fix it!"

She stares at him incredulously. "Um. No offense, but I think you've done enough. Maybe just sit this one out."

"Sit this one out?" He demands, voice climbing. "People are dead because of me. I was the commanding officer during the attack, therefore any repercussions are my responsibility."

A few heads at nearby tables have turned in their direction, watching the argument play out. Not wanting to make any more of a scene, Indira lowers her voice and leans across the table to glare at him. "Go take a shower," she repeats firmly, figuring her aunt will eventually set him straight. "And I promise that we will go see Leia after."

"Fine," Poe says through gritted teeth before shoving back from the table. "I'll go take a kriffing shower if it's that important to you. Do I really smell that bad?"

"Like shit," she deadpans. "Thank you."

He rolls his eyes in response, clearing his tray and dumping it into one of the nearby bins before leaving the mess hall in a huff. Indira resists the urge to make a face at his back after he leaves and instead settles for stabbing at her food angrily until her root vegetables have been pummeled into mush. As she finishes eating her lunch in silence, Indira takes a moment for herself to just breathe and relish in the solitude. Finally, she has a moment to think and process everything that has happened in the few short hours since Leia first knocked on Poe's door earlier that morning. They'd evacuated the base, fled the First Order, and lost nearly half their fleet in the process. But for the next few hours, in the tentative safety of hyperspace, they would have time to collect their bearings and salvage their losses.

Gods, she thinks to herself, what I wouldn't give to have just a few more minutes of peace and quiet —

Across from her, a chair screeches against the floor as someone drags the empty seat away from the table and sits down. Indira doesn't even bother with hiding her immediate displeasure and audibly groans before letting her head fall into her hands.

"What, is this seat taken?" Raena Nhagy asks, propping her feet up in the remaining empty chair.

"What do you want?" She snaps, raising her head to glare at the person sitting across from her.

"To eat," Nhagy replies, experimentally poking at the jello on her plate with her spoon before shrugging and scooping it into her mouth. "Remind me — what's your name again?"

Indira scowls at her.

"No wait!" Raena snaps her fingers. "I know you. You're Indira Beren, right?"

Indira bristles. "So what if I am?"

"I'm Raena," the assassin replies with a smile, offering her a hand. "Raena Nhagy."

"I know who you are," Indira says. "All of us do."

At that, Raena's face falls and she pulls back her hand; something that causes Indira to feel slightly guilty. "Look, I know you all hate me," she mutters, avoiding her gaze. "And I get it. I've made some mistakes, but I really am trying here."

At that, Indira's temper flares. And it isn't just because she's had the longest day in the history of long days — because she has — but more importantly, she's mad. And after running on next-to-no sleep, evacuating the entire base, having to comfort Rose about her sister's death, and arguing with Poe in the middle of the mess hall, she has officially reached the end of her rope.

      "Some mistakes?" She repeats incredulously. "Some mistakes?! You killed people for the First Order. You served directly under the command of Snoke. You murdered my un — Han Solo with Kylo Ren and I saw that with my own eyes. Maybe you're trying, but it won't ever be enough. You're a bad person, Raena Nhagy."

     The words come tumbling out before she can stop them and when she's done, Indira can hardly believe she said them out loud. Still, it feels good to have everything out in the open with the girl who has caused her and the Resistance so very much trouble — no matter how helpful she might prove to be as an ally.

In response to her tirade, Indira expects Raena to be angry or defensive; to get up and leave or spit in her face. Instead, the assassin sinks back in her seat and huffs out a sigh before shrugging. "You're right," she admits.

     Indira raises her eyebrows. "I'm what?"

     "Right. But at least listen to my side of the story before you pass your full judgement on me," Raena requests, lacing her fingers together. "I was raised to believe that my family's legacy was more important than anything. That our name, Nhagy, was something to protect. After my parents died, my uncle raised me. He was the only family I had until he died, too. When he passed, I became the last of the Nhagy name. The First Order knew this when they took me prisoner and used it against me. I was afraid to die, so I did what I had to survive. You have to believe me: I didn't want any of this — I just didn't want to die."

     At that, Indira's heart sinks. She hadn't realized that, for as much as Raena Nhagy had been a part of the First Order, she had been their prisoner, too. They had presented her with an impossible choice and Raena did what she thought was right, even though it turned out to be wrong in the end. Indira couldn't hate her for that; not truly.

     "Maybe you can understand where I'm coming from or maybe you can't," Raena continues. "I'm not a saint and I'm not trying to make excuses for the things I've done. I know I can't undo them, but I can try to do some good now. That's why I'm here, Beren. That's all I'm trying to do."

     Indira bites her lip, considering all of this for a minute before she sighs and gives the girl across from her a skeptical look. "So," she says, attempting to make her tone more conversational. "Are you really, like, unkillable?"

     Raena raises an eyebrow at her. "Did the scar not convince you?" She asks before sighing. "That blade went straight through my chest — courtesy of Commander Ren himself. The only reason I came back at all was because General Hux gave me a vial of reanimation serum."

     When she mentions Ren, Raena's voice takes on a particularly hard edge that Indira can't help but notice. It makes her wonder if whatever had happened between her and Kylo Ren was more than just a professional falling out or if it was more personal than that.

     "Why did ..." Indira's voice trails off into a whisper. "Kylo Ren. Why did he, you know, kill you?"

     Raena snorts. "Because I refused to kill his mother when I broke onto your base a month ago," she replies and Indira's eyes widen.

     "Shhh," she hisses, looking around wildly for anyone who might have been listening.

     Raena narrows her eyes. "What?"

      "That isn't exactly public knowledge around these parts," Indira scolds. "The general — her son is dead as far as most people are concerned."

      The assassin leans back in her chair, looking stumped. "No one else knows?"

      "No," Indira says tersely. "They can't know. It could jeopardize the entire Resistance. You can't tell anyone, Nhagy — I swear, I'll shoot you again if you do."

     "Shoot me again?" Raena repeats, brow furrowed. "Wait — that was you on Starkiller base?! You're the one who shot me?!"

      "And I'll do it again if I have to," she swears, glaring at her. "No one can know."

      "Stop threatening to shoot me," Raena hisses. "I'm not going to tell anyone. Your general is one of the few people on this ship who I actually like. She's also one of the only people here who doesn't hate my guts or want me dead."

      "Good," Indira sighs, sitting back in her chair to rub her temples. "What else did Ren tell you? Any other family secrets?"

"No," Raena says, crossing her arms over her chest. "He didn't like talking about his family."

Inwardly, Indira breathes a sigh of relief. Her secret was safe, for now. "Well, I can't imagine why," she replies drily, "seeing as he killed his own father. That must have caused him a great deal of guilt — that is, if he's even capable of feeling guilt."

"Oh, he is," Raena replies, lips twitching into a joyless smile, "but the way he deals with his emotions is either killing whatever is causing them or throwing extremely destructive temper tantrums."

"Gods," Indira mutters, rubbing her chin in disbelief. "How did someone like that come from a woman like Leia?"

     "Beats me." Raena shrugs. "But fuck him and the rest of the First Order. They're monsters. The sooner they burn down, the better."

     At that, Indira shoots Raena a reluctant smile. "You know, I get it now," she says, folding her hands together. "I guess you aren't all bad after all, Nhagy."

     Raena barks out a laugh. "Not all bad, huh?" She asks, giving Indira her first real smile. "I guess I'll take what I can get."

     Having finished her lunch, Indira starts to clear her tray away. "Alright, I'm out of here. I've got shit to take care of," she announces, thinking of Poe. She was certain that he was already showered and waiting impatiently to go see Leia. "But I'll see you around? Do try not to get into trouble."

     "I make no promises," Raena replies, saluting Indira with her spoon as she leaves.

      Exhaling deeply, the technician wipes her hands on her uniform before hurrying down the Raddus's halls. She comes to a stop when she finds the room that she knows belongs to Finn and Poe. The two of them had chosen to bunk together since space was scarce onboard the cruiser. The entirety of the Resistance had been forced to double up for the sake of accommodating the population of the D'Qar base on three small ships. Indira had opted to share her room with Rose, since she knew the younger girl was feeling lost without her sister. And it didn't hurt that Indira wanted to keep a close eye on her, either.

     She knocks on Poe's door three times before crossing her arms to wait, leaning against the door frame with a sigh. It takes a few minutes before a bleary eyed Finn appears, rubbing his face tiredly. When he sees Indira standing outside, his brow furrows. 

     "Indira." He frowns. "What are you doing here?"

     She shoots him a quizzical look. "Looking for Poe. We were going to meet up. Is he here?"

     "No," Finn replies. "He stopped by to drop some stuff off before leaving a while ago."

     Realization dawns over her and Indira crosses her arms over her chest. "Did he happen to say where he was going?" She asks through gritted teeth, trying and failing to disguise her irritation.

     "The bridge, I think?" Finn recalls. "He wanted to speak with Leia, if I remember correctly. I was half-asleep when he dropped by, to be honest."

      Indira smiles wanly. "Of course he did," she says, feeling both incredibly unsurprised and unbelievably stupid at the same time. He had lied to her, blatantly, and she had completely fallen for it; hook, line, and sinker. "He was supposed to wait here for me to go with him, but when does he ever listen to me — or anyone, for that matter?"

     Finn shrugs uncomfortably. "We could go find Leia together, if you want? I actually need to speak with her about something."

      She throws her hands up in the air in surrender. "Why the hell not?" Indira asks, already preparing her angry speech in her head. "Come on, Finn. Let's go to the bridge."

EDITED ON:
10.30.19