█▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀█
chapter fifty-eight: even if
█▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄█

"ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP," Poe Dameron says, setting his hands on his hips as he surveys the group of bleary-eyed Resistance fighters circled up in the living room of his father's house. Most of them are dressed in their pajamas, hair rumpled and pillow lines creased into their faces. Outside, the sky is still dark, with only the faintest hint of light stirring on the horizon as the sun slowly begins its ascent into the sky. "This is a very serious and important mission. We don't have much time and we've only got one shot at this, so we can't screw it up."

"Poe," Kali says through a barely stifled yawn. "It's four am."

He raises a brow at her. "I'm aware, Captain Kilam."

It's been nearly a week since Poe and his team returned to Yavin. He'd given them a few days to rest and recuperate, allowing them the chance to breathe while things are still relatively peaceful, but he knows better than to allow himself to become complacent and he isn't much good at sitting around and doing nothing, anyways. Something inside of him seems to itch, warning him that their good fortune won't last for much longer, and he can't ignore the feeling. Something is coming — soon — and they need to be ready when it does.

"What's going on, Poe?" Stefan Nakada asks, face drawn tight with concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, why have you dragged us out of bed like this?" Jess complains. "Some of us went to sleep late last night."

He bites back a snarky retort — something along the lines of I'm sure you and Captain Kilam did — and instead glowers at her, crossing his arms over his chest. "Quit interrupting," Poe snaps, using his Commander Voice, "and I'll tell you."

"Is the Resistance in danger?" Rose pipes up, disregarding his instructions. "Where's General Organa?"

"Everyone shush," he asserts, holding both hands up for emphasis. "We're already wasting precious time."

"Wasting time for what?" Finn calls, cupping his hands around his mouth to join in with the hecklers, but — unlike the rest of them — he's got a twinkle in his eyes; as if he knows that there's no real life-threatening urgency behind this impromptu meeting.

Poe watches as the group grows more and more agitated the longer he goes without answering their questions. Only three people in the crowd don't seem to be rising to the bait — Finn, Rey, and another certain someone watching from the back of the room with her arms crossed over her chest and a faintly amused expression on her face. It's the first time Poe has seen her since the kitchen incident and he almost winks, but decides against it; instead choosing to set his hands on his hips and turn back to his troopers.

"Wedding prep, obviously," he finally says, as if it's the simplest thing in the world. People begin grumbling almost immediately and he shuts them down in a heartbeat. "No, listen! Snap and Karé want to have the ceremony tonight. They said they didn't want any fuss, but this is something special. It's not every day that two of my pilots get hitched, so we've gotta make this count —"

"Oh, kriff," Jessika says, pinching the bridge of her nose. "That's it?"

"I'm going back to bed," Kali announces. "Come on, Jess —"

"No one is going back to bed," Poe interrupts. "C'mon, these are our friends and we have the chance to do something nice for them. The entire galaxy is absolutely shit right now, but we have a good thing happening here. Something that is worth celebrating. A little piece of the universe that isn't shit. I think that's worth making a fuss over — even if it's only for one night. Who's with me?"

Jess heaves a loud sigh before raising a hand. "Fine, I'm in."

Kali groans and does the same. "I guess that means I am too."

Slowly, more and more of the dissenters begin to sway over to his side, agreeing to rally for the cause. However, a good portion of them remain stubbornly unconvinced, leading Poe to call for a vote. The tally winds up at a fifty-fifty split, but there's one quiet person at the back of the room in her lonesome little corner that Poe has yet to hear from.

"Well," he says finally, cocking his head in her direction. "What's it gonna be, Beren? It's all down to you."

Something flickers in her pretty brown eyes that Poe isn't quite sure how to read. Part of him thinks that, after their conversation in the kitchen, Indira might vote against him purely out of spite. But then her expression grows soft; brow unfurrowing and jaw relaxing before she nods her assent and looks away.

"Yeah, okay," she says, settling the score in his favor yet still stubbornly refusing to meet his gaze. "Let's do this."

IT TURNS OUT THAT Poe Dameron as a wedding planner is not all that different from Poe Dameron as a Resistance fighter. He barks orders out like an officer, he develops plans and creates strategies like a tactician, he assigns people to different roles like a commander, and at some point — inevitably — all hell breaks loose, but everything works out the way it should in the end; much like most of his endeavors for the Resistance.

Setting up a surprise wedding ceremony for Snap and Karé right under their noses without either of them noticing would have been damn near impossible, so Leia — having been roped into her commander's schemes — comes up with a low-stakes mission that sends the two of them off-world; one that keeps the couple out of everyone's hair for several hours as the entire population of their tiny Yavin base does their best to pull together something that resembles a wedding. Indira is pretty sure that Snap and Karé know that something is up, but they play along like good sports and allow themselves to be sent away.

Indira is put in charge of lighting, along with Rose, and the two of them spend hours digging through the basement of Kes Dameron's house to find strings of lights covered in dust. They wipe them down and plug them in to test for shortages or burnt-out bulbs, repairing what can be fixed before throwing out the rest. For the most part, they work in silence; saying very little to one another.

Indira hasn't seen much of Rose — hasn't seen much of anyone, really — since the Resistance first landed on Yavin. But, in the week since her friends returned from their mission, she has spent more time outside of her room and with people than she has in an entire month. Once she and Rose get to work, they find something of a groove together and it reminds Indira of how things used to be, when the two of them would spend late nights up in the hangar on D'Qar, tinkering with new Resistance tech.

As they carry the lights up from the basement together, Rose puts a hand on Indira's arm at the top of the steps. "Good to have you back, Beren," she tells her quietly.

Indira gives her a tentative smile in return. "Good to be back," she says and it almost feels like she means it.

They pass by other teams hard at work while making their way out of the house, stifling giggles when they hear Kes scolding his kitchen crew of Finn, Rey, and BB-8. Outside, decorations are being put up as the afternoon sun beats down heavily atop the busy commune. Rose and Indira recruit Chewbacca to help them string the lights from the big Force sensitive tree at the center of the compound, transforming the undergrowth into something that feels a little magical.

It's almost enough to keep Indira from feeling disheartened when she presses her palm to the trunk of the tree and whispers be with me, be with me, be with me in the hopes that she will be able to feel the Force thrum beneath her fingertips like it did once before, yet she finds nothing but hollow bark under her palms.

Just as twilight falls over the complex, Connix receives a transmission alerting the base to Snap and Karé's impending arrival. Absolute chaos breaks out then, with people shouting and running and tripping over one another to pull the finishing touches together, but by the time the ship touches down, everything is in order. Snap and Karé barely take two steps onto solid ground before Poe and Jessika swarm them, herding them into the house to get ready while everyone whoops and whistles and cheers; especially when Karé breaks away from Jess to pull her husband-to-be in for one last kiss before the two of them are dragged away from each other.

Indira watches with the ghost of a smile on her lips, lingering outside by herself for a few moments as everyone else heads in to get washed up and changed before the festivities. Her eyes scan the Yavin complex, taking in the transformed scenery. Lanterns light a path towards the big Force sensitive tree, where the ceremony is going to take place. Intricate decorations made of brightly colored folded paper have been hung from anywhere the eye can see. Flower petals are scattered atop the grass, painting the ground in shades of lavender and pink and orange; not unlike the sunset bleeding away above her head as the moon creeps its way into the sky.

It's beautiful — all of it — and for a moment, her lungs grow tight as her eyes blur with tears. Indira blinks them away quickly, ignoring the sudden and unwelcome pang of longing that seems to pulse inside her chest, keeping rhythm with her pounding heartbeat. Shaking her head to clear away the feeling, Indira turns sharply on her heel and marches back into the house, letting the door slam behind her.

In the shower, she scrubs herself down methodically; eyes squeezed shut and lips pressed together in a firm line to keep herself from crying. You're being ridiculous, she scolds internally, standing beneath the showerhead with her face pressed into her palms as the water pours down atop her head. This is a time for you to be happy, for once. Your friends are getting married. There is no reason to be crying. Stop it!

Eventually, she manages to pull herself together; all evidence of her tears rinsed down the drain with the last of the bubbles from the shampoo she'd used to wash her hair. When she finishes toweling herself off, Indira slips into one of the only nice articles of clothing in her possession — a well-worn olive green colored slip of a dress that just barely reaches her knees — and makes her way back to her shared bedroom. Inside, she finds her mother already waiting with EV-1. Indira greets her droid (although truthfully, EV is more her mother's droid than she is Indira's, as of lately) with a tweak of its antenna before giving her mother a kiss on the cheek.

"Ah, I was beginning to wonder when my daughter would grace me with her presence again," Jana says teasingly as Indira takes a seat on the rug in front of her mother's feet. She hands her mother the hairbrush clutched between her fingers and Jana takes it before starting to brush the tangles out of Indira's damp hair.

She pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, resting her cheek on the top of her knee. Indira's eyes close and she almost feels like a little girl again, letting her mother brush and braid her hair the way she used to back when it was just the two of them on Hosnian Prime; long before the First Order tore them and their home-world apart.

When Indira had sent her mother away on D'Qar, they'd been distant from one another. At the time, the secrets and lies of Jana Beren's past life seemed to hang over their heads like a darkened cloud. But that distance had been closed upon their reunion. Too much had happened for Indira to hold onto any lingering resentment she felt towards her mother over something that seemed so insignificant in light of her father's passing.

Her thoughts are interrupted as her mother tugs at a particularly sharp knot in her hair and Indira winces, sitting up straighter. "I believe you were the one who's been hounding me for weeks to spend more time outside of this room," she points out. "I just decided to finally take your advice."

She can hear the smile in her mother's voice. "Yes, finally," Jana agrees. "You've been quite busy lately." Her movements still as she smooths down some of the hair on top of Indira's head. "But I'm glad to hear that, sweet girl. I was very worried about you."

Indira chews on her lip. "I know. I'm sorry to have worried you."

"Don't apologize," her mother interjects softly. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm just happy you sound a little better. I can hear it in your voice."

She swallows thickly, glad for once that her mother can't see the lingering redness in her eyes. "It's been really nice to have my friends back," Indira finally says, clearing her throat. "I think it's helped a lot."

"Best medicine for a broken heart," Jana replies wisely, parting Indira's hair in a way that she's done at least a thousand times before and weaving the strands into two twin braids down the back of her head. "Your aunt and I played that role for each other many, many times over the years."

A faint smile flickers across Indira's face. "Leia told me the same."

"Because it's the truth," her mother says. "We were each other's strength when we were united. It was only once we started to go our separate ways that things began to fall apart. But before that? Together, there was nothing we couldn't do."

For a moment, Indira tries to envision it — younger versions of her mother and her aunt and even her father and Han and Lando — yet it seems impossible. Even in her head, she sees them the way she does now; less wrinkled and less grey, perhaps, but still wise beyond their years — the leaders of a Rebellion with level heads on their young shoulders.

"What were you like?" Indira asks, turning to face her mother. "Back then. I try to picture how it must have been for you and for Leia and for — for Dad. People always compare this war to that one, but I can't see it. Whenever I hear stories about the Rebellion, it always sounds so ... brave and heroic and romantic. It never sounds anything like ... this."

Jana smiles knowingly before leaning forward. "Do you want to know a secret?" She whispers conspiratorially, cupping her daughter's face in her hand. Indira nods quickly and her mother pinches her cheek. "Truthfully, my love, we were just like you."

    "But we're a disaster!" Indira protests. "Running and hiding and barely surviving —"

Her mother raises a brow. "Do you think we froze our asses off on Hoth for nearly a year just for the fun of it?"

"That's different," she replies with a frown.

"Is it?" Jana challenges.

"It is," Indira insists. "I've talked to Threepio, I've heard stories — you guys were so much better at all of this than we are. I mean, you were Generals and Princesses and Jedi and we're just ... a bunch of kids without a clue."

"We were young once too, you know," her mother says. "And plenty clueless. Our final battle against the Empire at Endor, the entirety of the rebel Alliance fell straight into a trap of the Emperor's design. We weren't perfect back then and we came very, very close to losing everything. But we kept fighting, just like you're going to, and it was all worth it in the end — no matter what we had to lose along the way."

Her voice is wistful and it makes Indira a little sad to think about how hard her mother and her father and Leia and the others fought during their youth. They sacrificed so much for the Rebellion, yet they'd been unable to live peaceful lives; enduring all the horrors of war once, only to have to suffer through them again within the same lifetime. It seemed unfair that the universe had dealt them such cruel cards.

And you know what that means, don't you? The unwanted voice inside her head chides. It means that when this is all over someday — if this is all over someday — even if you win, even if there's peace ... there's no guarantee that it will last. Who's to say that thirty years from now the galaxy won't fall to pieces?

Indira bites her lip before speaking again. "Mama," she begins hesitantly.

Jana frowns, hearing the shift in her voice. "Yes, love?"

The words are almost impossible to get out. "Do you really believe that?" She asks, thinking back to what Poe had said to her in the kitchen. There are some things that are worth fighting for. "That it was worth it?"

Her mother's brow furrows. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that," Indira begins, swallowing past the ache building in the back of her throat. "After everything you went through when you were young, do you still believe that it was worth it — knowing the outcome now? Knowing that it didn't last?"

Her mother exhales softly. "Of course, baby," she replies, cupping Indira's face. "Of course it was worth it. Maybe it didn't last as long as we hoped that it would, but thirty years of peacetime was worth it; creating a better universe — for even a few moments — was worth it; allowing you and billions of other children to be born into a galaxy without the Empire was worth it. It doesn't matter that it didn't last forever; it didn't have to. Having something good for a short time — even if you lose it — is better than never having it at all."

A sob escapes Indira's lips and she squeezes her eyes shut as tightly as she can in a useless attempt to keep the tears burning beneath her lids at bay. They roll down her cheeks before she can stop them and her mother lets out a soft sound of sympathy, brushing them away with her thumbs.

"What's wrong, sweet girl?" She asks. "Talk to me."

Indira wipes at her nose as it starts to run. "I don't know," she sniffles. "Everything?"

Her mother offers her a small smile, but doesn't let her dodge the question. "Gonna need a little more information than that, love."

"I'm just so afraid that all of this will be for nothing," Indira explodes, the words bursting out of her like water from a broken dam. "And I'm worried that we can't win this fight. And I'm terrified that something awful is going to happen to you or to Leia or to my friends or to ..." her voice trails off and she shakes her head, refusing to say his name out loud. "And I keep trying not to feel that way — to be brave; to be strong; to be happy, even. But I don't know how to do that anymore."

A soft beeping noise interrupts her tearful rambling and Indira glances over to see EV-1 hovering nearby with a rag clutched between the claw at the end of her extendible metal arm. Indira lets out a choked laugh and takes it, blowing her nose and wiping her cheeks before thanking the little droid and continuing. "Two of my friends are getting married today. That's something to be happy about, right?"

Jana nods sympathetically but says nothing.

"And I am happy for Snap and Karé — really, I am," Indira insists, hiccuping slightly. "But I can't stop thinking about how none of this means a damn thing if we lose. And even if we don't lose, there's still a chance that one of them doesn't make it out of this alive and the other person is left behind to try and put the pieces back together once they're gone." She shakes her head in disbelief. "How could anyone willingly open themselves up to the possibility of that kind of pain?"

"Because the alternative is robbing yourself of the chance to be happy, for even a little bit," Jana finally says, gentle yet firm. "And even if the worst happens — even if, Indira — good can still come from the time that you had with that person. I loved your father when I was young and he loved me, too, but we were never going to last and we both knew that from the very start. That didn't mean that it didn't hurt when he left, but if I'd never loved him, I never would have had you."

She pauses and smooths some of the loose hairs that hadn't been caught in Indira's braids back from her face. "And you, sweet girl, are the very best of my life. I would go through all of it again, a thousand times over, if it meant that I would still have you."

Indira sniffles and wraps her arms around her mother's waist, laying her head in her lap. "How do I stop feeling afraid?" She asks, voice muffled. "How do I learn to be brave?"

"You don't," Jana replies simply, bending down to press a kiss to the top of Indira's head. "You feel afraid, but you love the person anyway. That's the only way you can be brave."

a/n: NO ONE BOO ME FOR THE LACK OF POE IN THIS CHAPTER 🤚 IT WAS GONNA BE TOO LONG SO I HAD TO SPLIT IT IN HALF 🗣 PART TWO SHOULD BE UP IN A COUPLE DAYS. HOLD THE TOMATOES TILL THEN 🍅

POSTED ON:
01.20.20