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chapter fifty-seven: worth fighting for
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       "KRIFF," KALI MUTTERS as she, Indira, and Jess settle down atop the mattress of one of the spare beds in Kes Dameron's house. Thankfully, the place was no longer packed full of soldiers like it had been on the first few days after the Falcon touched down from Crait. Yavin IV was an unexpected blessing in disguise for the Resistance. Many sympathizers for the cause lived on the colony, remaining there from the days of the Alliance, and several of Kes's neighbors had been kind and gracious enough to offer their homes as a safe place for what remained of Leia Organa's troops to rest their heads. "And I thought Jess and I had it bad on our mission."

      Jessika wiggles her nearly healed leg. "I still think we had it worse."

      The three of them had spent the evening catching each other up to speed on what they'd missed during their time apart; Indira giving them her take on everything that happened from the time they'd left the D'Qar base to Yavin and Kali and Jessika detailing the struggles of their missions on Pastoria and the other places they'd visited while off-planet. Their tales were harrowing, involving ambushes, attacks, and betrayals at every turn. None of them had had an easy go of things while they were apart — that much was for certain — but it was still disheartening for Indira to hear what the other girls had been through. Some naive part of her had hoped that things might have gone a little smoother for them in their corner of the galaxy, but it seemed as if the state of current events was universally shit across the cosmos.

      "I still can't believe that everyone else is gone," Kali admits.

      Her voice is hollow as she rests her head on Indira's shoulder and Jess curls up on the other side of her, leaving Indira trapped between them. She couldn't escape them even if she wanted to — which she doesn't. Not yet, at least. Indira hadn't realized just how lonely she'd been without them until now — and just how right her aunt had been about her needing her friends at her side. "So many of the other pilots. So many of our friends."

     "Me neither," Jessika murmurs, chewing on her bottom lip. "Poe told us about what happened when he found us on Ikkrukk, but it didn't hit me until we got here and I saw it with my own eyes. I didn't want to believe it."

      "I don't —" Kali's voice falters for a moment before she speaks again. "I don't see how we win this."

      "Barely anyone answered the call," Jess agrees glumly. "We went to so many places, we tried so hard to get them to come back with us; nobody wants to join the fight. They're all too scared or too selfish — or worse: they actually think that the First Order is right."

      The urge to give in to their defeatism is powerful, but Indira does her best to fight against it. Truthfully, she had been wondering the same thing herself — long before the First Order depleted their ranks to a few pitiful droplets of rain, when what they needed to win the war was nothing short of a hurricane. The odds are impossibly stacked against them, now more than ever before, yet Indira can't bring herself to commiserate with her hopeless friends — even if she isn't sure how much hope she has left. For their sake, she could pretend to still have it. She could be strong for them, if they needed her to be.

      "Hey, we'll get through this," Indira says, hoping her voice sounds more confident than she feels.

      Her thoughts go to Leia and the words she'd said so many times before — words that had become something like a prayer to the Resistance and those loyal to their cause. The last time Indira had heard them, it was Vice Admiral Holdo speaking them to the surviving Resistance members onboard the Raddus. And even though Indira's feelings towards the fallen commander are still difficult and complex to navigate, a lump rises in her throat when she thinks about the woman's brave sacrifice.

      "The Alliance didn't stand a chance either, but they made it and we will too," she continues, clearing her throat and putting an arm around each of them. "We can't give up. Remember? Hope is like —"

      "— the sun," Kali murmurs. "If you only believe in it when you can see it —"

      "— you'll never make it through the night," Jess finishes before sniffling. Kali reaches across Indira to take her girlfriend's hand, pulling it to her lips to press a kiss to the back of it before letting their twined fingers rest atop Indira's stomach.

      "I needed to hear that," Jess says, curling in closer. "Thanks, Indi. I really missed you."

      "We really missed you," Kali agrees. "Thought about you all the time."

      Indira feels her eyes grow hot with unshed tears. "I missed you guys, too," she says, voice cracking on the last word.

      "And I was totally kidding earlier," Jessika adds hastily. Her voice is slightly muffled from the way her chin is pressed into Indira's shoulder. "About us having it worse than you. I know that what you went through was really hard, too."

       "Especially losing your dad," Kali adds quietly. "We're so sorry, Indi. You deserved more time with him."

      She swallows thickly. "I'm okay," Indira says out of reflex, in the hopes that if she says the words enough, they will become true. "I mean, it was hard. But I'm fine now."

      Kali — her best friend, her North Star, the one person who knows her better than perhaps anyone else in the whole galaxy — sits up and touches her cheek, brown eyes warm with compassion. "No, you're not," she says gently and Indira purses her lips together in an attempt to stop them from quivering. "But that's okay, too."

       A sob trapped in her throat threatens to escape, but Indira does her best to clamp it down. Kali hugs her tight and she doesn't fight it, letting herself be held for the first time in a long while. Jess joins them, rubbing Indira's back and murmuring soft words of reassurance. And even though it feels a little bit like drowning, trapped in the middle of them after spending so much time trying to make it on her own, it also feels a bit like being whole again.

      Kali rests her cheek on top of Indira's head. "You will be someday."

     IT'S LONG AFTER MIDNIGHT when Indira slips out of Kali and Jess's room, sneaking away as quietly as she can without waking them. The two of them had fallen asleep atop her — one on each of her shoulders — and she'd had to carefully wriggle her way out from their embrace without disturbing either of them; a task that required all of the newfound agility that she'd gained during the rare occasions on which she decided to join Finn and Rey during their combat training. Her footsteps are soft as she creeps down the stairs to the room she shares with her mother, doing her best to avoid the spots on the steps that creak. It's nearly pitch black in the house, save for the slivers of moonlight creeping in through the shuttered windows, but Indira is pretty confident that she knows the place well enough to navigate it in the dark.

      Or at least she thinks she does before she crashes into something — no, someone — near the kitchen.

      Indira nearly screams, letting out a squeak of fear as she stumbles backwards. "Shit!" A male voices hisses before he's reaching out to grab her, keeping her from falling. Despite the darkness, Indira knows who it is immediately. She looks up, breathless, and finds Poe looking down at her; his face tinted blue from the faint light of the moon.

      "Hi," he says, surprised.

      "Hi," Indira replies haltingly, unsure of what else to say.

      For a moment, they remain still; neither one of them moving until Poe seems to realize that he's still holding onto her. He shakes his head and sets Indira back on her feet, pulling away from her quickly. A wave of sudden loneliness washes over her and Indira almost wishes that he'd held her longer before she forces herself to think about something else.

      "Sorry," Poe finally says, ruffling his hair. "I didn't think anyone else would be up. I wasn't being careful —"

     Indira shakes her head. "It was my fault. I was sneaking around and I should have been paying more attention —"

      "How about we call it even, then?" He suggests, offering her a half-smile.

      Nodding, she tucks some of her hair behind her ear. "Yeah, okay. Even."

      Poe clears his throat. "So ... what are you doing up this late, anyways?"

     "Making my daring escape from the clutches of Kali and Jessika," she says, almost grinning at him. "Between all the snoring and the drooling, I barely made it out of there unscathed. Very perilous."

      He barks out a laugh. "I'm sure it was."

       There's silence after that, strained and tense for a few moments before Indira chooses to break it. "What are you doing up?" She asks, striving for something that resembles casual indifference. "Can't sleep?"

      "Not tired," Poe replies nonchalantly and Indira barely stops herself from frowning, remembering how he used to have nightmares from his time as a First Order prisoner that would keep him awake for nights on end. She hopes that's not the real reason he's still up at this hour. "And I was getting caught up with Finn and Rey back on the Falcon. We lost track of time."

      Indira bobs her head, shoving her hands into her pockets. "That's good, they missed you a lot," she says before adding softly, "everyone did."

      "I missed everyone, too," he tells her and Indira tries not to feel sad that he doesn't ask her who's everyone — you? with a teasing smile on his handsome face like he might have done a very long time ago.

      She forces a smile onto her lips. "Well, I think I'm going to head to bed now."

     "Yeah, of course," he agrees quickly. "Sleep well."

      "You too," she says. "Goodnight."

      "Night," Poe replies, almost reaching out to touch her shoulder before he catches himself and turns the gesture into something that resembles a small, awkward wave.

      Indira turns on her heel quickly, throat aching and eyes burning for some stupid reason as she makes her way towards her room. Her hand is on the doorknob when she hears him speak again, voice echoing down the quiet hallway. "Hey, do you ..." he pauses unsurely. "Do you want something to drink before bed? I was gonna make tea — or hot chocolate, if you'd prefer that."

      She pauses, hesitating. "I —" say no, her brain says, tell him no! but Indira lets her hand fall away and she takes a step back. "I'd like that a lot."

      "Okay," Poe says and there's a smile in his voice that she can't see, but she knows it's there on his face all the same.

      In the kitchen, Indira takes a seat at the old wooden table while Poe flicks the light on and starts rummaging around the cupboards and the fridge for ingredients. Her chair squeaks as she rocks back and forth in it, nervously chewing on a hangnail. Why she had agreed to do this, Indira isn't sure. Maybe she's secretly a masochist; maybe Leia's words in the forest really had gotten through to her — whatever the reason is, she's pretty sure that this is a bad idea, yet she doesn't seem to have the willpower to make herself leave. She watches in silence as he sets a pot filled with milk onto the stove, breaking a thick slab of chocolate into smaller pieces before dropping them into the pot and frothing the milk until it becomes creamy.

      Just watching him move is something of a comfort to her; familiar yet somehow foreign at the same time with this newfound distance between them — distance that she is responsible for creating. Every so often, Poe glances over his shoulder to look at her, half-smile still on his face, and it makes Indira want to fidget even more than she already is. She can't stop herself from noticing every microscopic detail about him; the healing bruise on his jaw that has faded to an almost unnoticeable shade of yellow, the comfortable clothes adorning his frame, the way that his hair has gotten long enough that he'll need a haircut soon. He looks good — she'd have to be blind not to notice — and it makes her feel hyper-aware of how she must look in one of her oldest, most worn t-shirts and her hair an unwashed, tangled mess.

     "How, um —" he pauses his stirring. "How have you been?"

      "I — good," Indira says, resisting the urge to pull a face. "I've been good."

      Poe squints, dark eyes narrowing, as if he doesn't quite believe her before he turns back to the stove. "Finn and Rey said you've been training with them and Leia," he continues, voice casual. "You change your mind about not wanting to be a Jedi?"

     "What? Oh, no," she replies, shaking her head quickly. "No, it's not like that. I just —" she frowns, pursing her lips together. "I thought it would help me feel closer to ... my dad."

      "Yeah?" He says, almost sounding relieved — or something close to it — before he asks another question. "Do you think that it's working?"

      A humorless laugh escapes her lips and Indira is surprised by just how bitter it sounds to her own ears. "Never felt further from him in my whole life — even more than I did when I didn't have a clue about who he was."

      His eyes are soft and full of empathy when he turns to look at her again, arms crossed over his chest. "I'm really sorry to hear that," he tells her, voice sincere.

      Indira shrugs and clasps her hands together, suddenly very interested in the shapes and the patterns carved into the discolored wood of the tabletop. "It is what it is," she says, brushing off his concern before changing the subject quickly. "But how about you? Everything went okay on your mission?"

      A grimace mars his handsome features, brow furrowing and lips curving downwards. "Not exactly," he admits. "I mean — I got my team back, which is what matters most, and I'm grateful for that; really, I am ..."

     "But?" Indira persists, knowing there's a but in there somewhere.

     Poe sighs, running a hand through his hair in a way that makes some of the curls stick up. "But ... we tried finding more of Leia's allies on our way back from Ikkrukk and they were all just ... gone. All of 'em. It's like they've vanished into thin air. We were lucky to even find the few that we did, aside from Nora and Wedge — and if I'm being totally honest, I think the two of them might have only come because of Snap and out of loyalty to Leia."

      That does not bode well and it makes her stomach twist with unease. "Shit," Indira swears lowly.

      "Shit is right," he confirms, adding a spoonful of one spice and a pinch of another into the pot before stirring it a few more times. "But at least there's the wedding to look forward to. Leia was right; we could all use something to celebrate right now."

      Indira had almost forgotten about that. "Oh, yeah," she says, ignoring how her chest aches at the thought. "I'm happy for Snap and Karé. They're good together."

      Poe goes completely still for a moment before switching the stove off and reaching for a couple of mugs off the shelf in one of the cupboards. "They are," he agrees, keeping his back towards her as he fills up the mugs. "Funniest thing about it is, they nearly split while they were away on their mission. Got in a big fight — something about things getting too intense and not wanting to get distracted from the war."

     Indira inhales sharply. "Poe," she breathes, the word so soft that she isn't even sure if he hears it.

      When he turns around to look at her, there's a determined glint in his eyes; something that makes it almost impossible for her to look away. "But," he continues, voice steady as he approaches her with a steaming mug, "they figured things out eventually. Came to the conclusion that part of the reason they're even fighting this war is for each other and that it doesn't make any sense for them to not be together during the worst of it."

     He offers her the cup and Indira does nothing but stare at it for a moment, watching as steam floats up from the surface in spirals, before she finally takes it from him. Their fingers graze against each other when he passes it to her and maybe they both linger a little too long, hands touching and skin brushing, but Indira can't make herself pull back. Her chest feels tight as she looks at him, willing her hands not to shake and her eyes not to blink.

      "I guess," Poe finishes quietly, his thumb brushing over hers, "they realized that there are some things that are worth fighting for."

      Indira opens her mouth to say something — what, exactly, she's not sure — but before she has the chance to do it, he's gone again; stepping away to pick up his own mug and cradle it between his hands. "Goodnight, Indira," he says lowly, exiting the room without saying another word and leaving her behind with nothing but the mug in her hands and that familiar empty, aching feeling in her chest to keep her company.

      She stares at the mug a few minutes longer, listening to the sound of his footsteps fading in the distance before she finally picks it up and takes a tentative sip after blowing on the surface. Warmth spreads through her body and she shudders, holding the cup close to her chest.

      "Goodnight."

a/n: helllo everyone! sorry for the delay in updates!!! i did not anticipate this week to be so crazy at school, but i just started back on monday and it's been very hectic. hopefully updates will happen once a week if i can get my shit together 🥴 thank you for all of your amazing feedback on the last chapter. i'm so glad you're all still here with me and i can't wait to share more of this book with you 💓 see you next chapter!!! ✨

P.S. HOT CHOCOLATE IS A CANON DRINK IN THE STAR WARS (legends) UNIVERSE SO NO ONE COME @ ME 😤

POSTED ON:
01.11.20