Chapter 29: Mansion
This made me cry when I first heard this song. Mansion by NF, hope yall enjoy!
Ezra sat outside. Alone. Everything was falling in front of him. Kanan, and the Crew. Kanan been not near the kid. Hera always busy as well as Sabine. Zeb, picking one him, and Chopper. Era was done. He did the unthinkable. Hiding, crying softly and...cutting.
Nobody knew, nor even pay attention.
Nobody care!
They hate you!
They don't want you!
Ezra grunted to the thoughts running in his head. He wanted to break free from this grasp. He wanted to run now, but his didn't want to. Only standing. Tears running down his face, shaking hands. He needed to let it go.
His knife was on his side, he just wanted to actually die. One last song to sing. He thought. He took a deep breathe. Open his eyes and singed.
Insidious is blind inceptions
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I miss my alarm and slept in, slept in
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
It's lonely inside this Mansion
Yo, my mind is a house with walls, covered in lyrics
They're all over the place, there's song in the mirrors
Written all over the floors, all over the chairs
And you get the uncut version of life when I go down stairs
That's where I write in a bad place and need to release
And let out the version of NF, you don't wanna see
I put holes in the walls with both of my fist til they bleed
And you might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me
Physically abuse, now that's a room where I don't want to be in
That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it
And these walls ain't blank, I just don't think I want to see 'em
But why not?
I'm in here so I might as well read 'em
I gotta thank for this anger that I carry around
Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground
Matter of fact,
I think I'm gonna burn this room right now
Some how this memory for some reason just won't burn down!
You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes
Then took me downstairs and beat me til I screamed and I cried
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
But, ima keep the doors shut and lock the lyrics inside
Insidious is blind inceptions
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I miss my alarm in slept in, slept in
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These wall are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
It's lonely inside tis Mansion,
Inside this Mansion
Yo, my mind is a house with walls covered in paint
See my problem is I don't fix things I try to repaint
Cover 'em up like it never happen
Say I wish I could change
Are you confused?
Come upstairs and i'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, it just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in is the moment I wanna to leave
I get sick to my stomach ever time I look at these things
But it's hard whre this is the room where I sleep
I look at one of the worst things I wrote on these walls
Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom
And one of the first things I wrote was
"I wished I would have called."
But I should stop now, we ain't gotta enough room in this song
And I regret the fact that I struggle trying to find who I am
And I lie to myself and say "I do the best that I can."
Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands
And get ticked off when I see it affecting my plans
And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive
And I this rate I'm going it would probably still be here when I die
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
Question is: Will I ever clean the walls off in time?
Insidious is blind inveptions
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in, slept in
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
It's lonely inside this Mansion
Inside this Mansion
The best part of my house, no ones been in it for years
I build a safe room and, I don't let no one in there
Cause if I do, there's a chance they might disappear
And not come back
And I admit, I am emotionally scared
To let anyone inside so I leave my doors locked
You might get other door to open but this doors not
Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I'm barricaded inside, so stop watching
I'm not coming to the door, so stopped knocking, stop knocking!
I'm trapped here! God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the world out ain't solving the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em
I build it because I thought that I was safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only think that's living in here
Fear came to my house years ago, I let 'em in
Maybe that's the problem cause I been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious that he never did
He must of have picked a room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in the postion it's either sit here, and let him win
Or put him back outside where I came from but I never can
Cause in order to do that, I have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don't know anymore...
It's lonely,
It's lonely
Inside this Mansion
Ezra grabbed the blade. This was it. His final moment. He raised the blade, his eyes closed. But something stopped him. A hand grabbed his risk. Kanan.
"Ezra!what are you doing?" Kanan was worried and scared. "I can't stay here any longer!" Ezra cried, trying to free from Kanan's grasp. "No! I'm not losing you Ezra!" Kanan snatch the knife threw it away from the teen.
"We're scared to lose you! You been distanced from us for so long." He said trying not to cry. "We love you so much, we can't let you slip away from us." Ezra looked sadly at Kanan. He realized his mistake. "Sorry, Kanan." He whispers, hugging Kanan closed. Kanan hugged back and patted his back.
"Let's go home, young Jedi."
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