A/N: Reader in this fic is dealing with uncontrolled depression and anxiety. Do not read if this will bother you.

***

He didn't mean anything by it. You knew he didn't, but that didn't stop the tears from coming just the same. Things had been kind of shitty lately if you were honest. And you'd been dealing, you had. Sure you had some days that were worse than others but you were chugging along. You plastered a fake smile on your face and went about your day. And if anyone asked you were fine. Just fine.

Things were slow in the med bay last week and you'd taken the opportunity to reorganize the supplies. It took you awhile, but you were methodical, taking a special pride in your work as you always did when you were in a slump. And you should be proud. You'd shoved aside all of your doubts and anxieties to accomplish something that would have been hard if you were at full operating status.

So, when you overheard Bones complaining to one of the nurses about how horrible your new system was, you supposed you could be forgiven for taking it personally. Especially when he announced that he wished you'd just leave things alone. After all, if he only gave you a chance to explain you could have told him why you moved things around the way you did. It was so much more efficient this way. He only needed to get used to it.

But it didn't matter. Not really. You didn't blame Bones for being upset with you. You always screwed everything up. You didn't mean to. You wanted to make things better for people, to show them you cared by doing things for them, but you just fucked everything up. Most of the time you figured you could disappear and no one would notice.

And that's just what you intended to do. You bypassed Bones and went straight to the captain with your request. The Enterprise would be docking at a space port soon and you wanted permission to stay behind.

Kirk frowned at you as he read over the request for the third time. "Why do you want to leave the ship, Y/N? Did something happen that I don't know about?"

You bit your lip as you looked down and shook your head. "I just think it would be better for everyone if I went somewhere else for a while. There's a Federation medical facility at the port that has an opening."

His bright blue eyes studied you for a long moment. "You've really thought about this."

"Yes."

"And what did Bones say about it?"

You sucked in a breath. "I'd rather not discuss it with him if it's all the same to you."

He shook his head and passed your PADD back to you. "I'll sign off on the transfer if that's what you really want, but not until you tell Bones."

"But—"

He waved a hand through the air to cut off your protest. "I don't want to hear it, Y/N. He is your immediate superior and if you have an issue, it should be addressed with him before we resort to reassigning you. You are an important member of our crew."

You huffed a laugh. "We both know that's not true, Captain. Anyone could do what I do. No one will even notice when I'm gone." You turned and left without being dismissed, a hollow feeling in your chest. You were so focused on what you were going to say to your boss, you didn't even notice the captain's worried gaze.

***

You just didn't have it in you to go by the medbay. You knew you should talk to Bones before he spoke with Kirk but it just seemed like too much effort. He'd probably be relieved to have you out from underfoot. Maybe he'd sign off without too much hassle if you offered to put the supply closet back the way it was before you left.

When you got to your room, you glanced at the replicator as you passed by but decided against eating anything. That, too, seemed like too much effort. You'd rather just lay on your couch. You placed your PADD on the table before crawling onto the small sofa and laying on your side with your knees pulled up to your chest. You weren't sure how much time had passed before the knock came at your door. You glanced at it but stayed where you were. "Yeah?"

"Open the door, Y/L/N." You'd know that pissed off southern accent anywhere. Evidently the doctor had talked to the captain.

"I'm good, thanks," you called back.

He grumbled but you couldn't make out what he was saying. "I hope you're decent because I'm coming in anyway, Y/N."

You scowled as the door slid open to admit him and pushed yourself up so you were no longer laying down. "I'm not due on shift for another twelve hours, doctor. What can I do for you?"

"You can explain to me why I had to hear from Jim that my best nurse wants off the ship."

You shrugged, not really wanting to talk about it.

Bones sighed and sat on the table in front of you. He took your hands in his. "Sweetheart, what is going on with you? Did something happen I need to know about? You haven't been yourself for weeks."

You shook your head but a tear ran down your cheek.

"Is this about a guy? A girl?"

You shook your head again. If only life were that simple. If your biggest problem was some guy pissing you off. No, Bones didn't piss you off, he just didn't see beyond you being a nurse. His thumbs ran over your knuckles. "Come on, Y/N. Talk to me."

You pulled your hands from him and curled back up on the couch. "Why does it matter, Len? We'll get to the port and I'll leave. No one will be bothered by me any longer and you can get a new nurse. You all won't even remember my name by the end of the week."

"If you really think that, we're doing something wrong that's for damn sure." Something in the tone of his voice had you glancing up at him. He looked so upset, as if he were on the verge of tears himself.

"Anyone could be here instead of me and it wouldn't matter. I'm replaceable and you know it."

"I know no such thing," he barked out before burying his face in his hands. "How did I fuck this up so monumentally?" His voice was muffled, but you made out the words easy enough.

"If it will make it easier, I can put the supplies back the way they were before I go," you offered.

That got his attention. His head jerked up. "Don't you dare. It took me a bit to figure it out, but the new system is brilliant."

You couldn't stop the smile in response to his words. "Thanks." You had divided the supplies up which was what drove him nuts in the beginning but now, everything was grouped together according to procedure. So instead of going to different drawers and cabinets to get what was needed. It was one shelf or one drawer.

He stood and began to pace the floor. You just followed his path with your eyes and waited for him to say what he came here to say. After a moment he came to kneel beside the couch and brushed the hair away from your face. "I'm going to tell you something that I maybe should have told you a long time ago. I didn't because, well, I didn't want to change things between us. But now you're trying to leave me anyway and I guess it just really doesn't matter anymore does it."

Your eyes widened the longer he went on but you stayed silent.

"I don't want you to leave, Y/N. When I say you're my best nurse, it's not flattery. I mean it. You are intuitive and have come up with treatments before I even considered them. And you take care of things before I even realize they're an issue."

His hand found yours and wrapped around it before he continued. "Beyond that, I don't want you to leave because you're the only thing keeping me sane out here. The knowledge that I get to see you is what gets me out of bed in the morning, sweetheart. I live for the moments I steal with you."

You pushed yourself up on one elbow. "What are you trying to say, Leonard?"

"Damn it, Y/N. I'm trying to say that I love you. Please stay with me. Tell me what's going on so I can fix it and stay." He was nearly begging by the end.

You suddenly found it hard to breathe. "You aren't just saying that to get me to stay, are you?" Bones wasn't that kind of guy, but it was so hard to believe that he wanted you like you did him.

"Actually, I hadn't said anything because I was afraid it would chase you off," he admitted.

You launched yourself forward and threw your arms around his neck. He rocked back with a grunt then wrapped his arms around you to hold you close. He sighed and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

"You could never chase me off, Len. And for the record, I love you too."

He pulled back to look at you and cradled your face in his hands. He searched your eyes as if making sure you were telling the truth. "Well, if I'm not running you off, darlin', what is?"

You leaned back on the couch with a sigh. He might say that he loved you but when he discovered how fucked up you were, he was going to be the one running away. "I'm a mess, Leonard. Everything I touch I fuck up. It's better for everyone if I leave."

He started to protest and you sucked in a breath as you held up a hand. "No. Don't. That's not right. That's..." You didn't even know how to go about explaining this to him. How you felt these things even if you knew they weren't true. "Have you ever read my records?"

His brow furrowed. "That would be an invasion of your privacy. M'Benga's your doctor."

You waved a hand in the direction of your PADD. "Just read them. It'll be easier."

He frowned but grabbed the device and pulled up the information. As he read through your history, his gaze kept darting up to you then back to the PADD. Once he'd finished, he sat it to the side. "Why didn't you say anything, Y/N? I would have been keeping a better eye on you. Or intervened sooner. Depression and anxiety isn't anything to be ashamed of, sweetheart. In fact, I'm proud you've been doing as well as you have."

You bit your lip. "You really mean that?"

"Of course, I do." He took your hands in his again. "I do think you should talk to M'Benga about the dosage on your meds though. It's been awhile and there are new treatments that you haven't tried. I just want you to have the chance to be the best you, darlin'."

You took a breath and nodded. Messing with your meds was always a pain, but Len was right. It would be worth it if it helped. "Thanks, Len. For everything."

He arched a brow. "Does this mean you're staying?"

"Yeah. I'm staying."

His hands cupped your face as he leaned forward and kissed you on the lips. He pulled away much sooner than you wished but there would be time for that later. "Now, if you're up to it, I would like to take you dinner in the mess hall so I can make it clear you're taken."

Your lips twitched as you fought a smile. "Okay, but I don't think anyone is going to care, Len."

He growled. "You really think those damn red shirts are as clumsy as they make out? We get twice as many when you're on shift."

You blinked several times, not sure what to make of his statement. You'd never particularly noticed an influx of red shirts when you were on shift. But then again all of your attention had been on a certain doctor. They'd never stood a chance.

Bones stood and helped you to your feet before pulling you into a hug. "God, this feels good. And well overdue. We'll get you taken care of, sweetheart. In the meantime, you just let me know if you're having a bad day, okay?"

"Thank you, Leonard, for being willing to deal with all this."

He leaned back and looked at you. "Thank you for trusting me with it. It will be my honor to take care of you. Now let's go get some dinner."

And suddenly, you were starving.