Music - Towers by Bon Iver

ONE

Raindrops form pretty patterns as they slide down a window. Tracing one of them with my finger, I think of all these paths converging and diverging, mixing up with other raindrops from faraway distant clouds, leaving behind parts of themselves and taking away new things. I guess a school bus isn't the place for philosophical ponderings. Except, maybe it is.

I glance at the students around me. What better place to examine life than to watch the social interactions of these entities, with carefully constructed universes of their own, which could fall apart with a single negative statement? So fragile, yet so resilient.

As I sit here at the back of the bus, alone on the double seater, headphones plugged in, eyes trained on the window beside me, I can't help but wonder if I could ever again be a part of that. If that part of me that was turned off could be put back on.

It's

been

675

days.

I congratulate myself on the fact that I've stopped counting how many hours and minutes it's been since my life ended. The fact that I am here, living and breathing, is no matter. I suppose you could argue that because I feel wanting of the privilege I have to be here today I should try to live life to the fullest. But, alas, and with great woe, I am a despicable human being. I shouldn't have to try.

Why should I have to try to feel alive? Why does everyone else seem to get it so effortlessly? Why do they get up after they've been pushed down? Why did I stay on the ground? Do I like it here? Is it my place? I feel like it could be my place. I am so tired.

I am interrupted from my thoughts by the passage of a girl down the aisle. I don't recognise her, but then again I might not recognise anybody. Everyone seems so unfamiliar these days. She has big curly hair and chestnut coloured skin. I notice the fact that she meets everyone's gazes, and walks confidently towards the back of the bus. I turn back to my window and brush my dark hair out of my face. I notice the rain has stopped falling. Pity. My crappy musings shall have to wait for another day.

I startle when someone sits next to me. It's been an unspoken rule for months, MONTHS, to leave me alone. To my surprise, when I turn around, Afro Samurai is seated beside me, her eyebrow quirked in my direction. I quirk my eyebrow right back at her and turn again to my window. Weird. What's her problem?

It occurs to me to check how the multitude is taking this, since I've avoided any form of social interaction since school started. I see that most people are staring at us with varying expressions of alarm. I have to laugh at this. Inwardly. I can't remember the last time I actually laughed out loud. I realise the bus has stopped, and gather my stuff to leave. I push past Afro samurai-

"Hey!!"

-and step off the bus.

I look up at the school building that has housed so many memories of generations of people. All their fears, dreams and aspirations have been defined by the pass or fail of an exam. They formed their first true connections here, got to know themselves, loved, and were loved.

It's just a building to me, anyway. A dirty, dingy building with no architectural significance in any way. Let me be the splash of cold, muddy water on your otherwise sunny day. I glance up once more at the building, and continue my lonely odyssey. I've always maintained that I'm too cool for school. My friends have always maintained that I'm an idiot. Oh, wait, oops, this would be applicable, if I had any friends.

I dump my backpack in the bushes at the back of the school building. The only items I take with me are the sandwich my mom packed for lunch and my moleskine. I follow the path that leads to the forest. It's a pretty day today and the birds are singing, the squirrels are a-humping. I notice a tiger beetle on the ground before me and stoop low to study it closer. I tie my hair out of my face with a rubber band because it's getting in the way, and bring out my notebook. I sketch for a few minutes before I get bored and start walking again.

The sun is well in the sky by now, which is absent of clouds, and is filtering through the trees. I close my eyes as a ray falls across my face.

Is is cold where you are Ava? Are you alone where you are? I promised I wouldn't leave you alone, and I have no excuse. No excuse to be this much of a failure.

Sweet Ava, I will paint you a sunset for every one you've missed.

I wind my way through the forest and let the sun dry my tears to salt on my skin. I find a good spot to sit and have my sandwich. I think back on my peers in class hopefully learning something worthwhile today. I shouldn't be that missed, except a whole lot, but I think I can still get away with the "going through a difficult time" card.

Everyone at Forest Views High (very original, I can tell you) has been super supportive. Really appreciate all the love. There's just the little problem that it makes me want to hurl.

Yes I am broken inside.

SEE IT, FEEL IT, BREATHE IT IN.

Don't tiptoe around me like I'm fragile. It's far too late. I'm in a thousand pieces and I'm not sure I want to be fit together again. Welcome to my pity party. Please bring enough booze for me to share.

I find an acceptable tree and test it's limbs by hanging off the ones I can reach. I set my stuff on the ground and take off my shoes. The sun is low in the sky now, I'm not sure how long I've been walking. I start to swing myself onto the lower branches of the tree and scale my way up.

At a point where I can see all the way back to school, I stop. Looking down, I get an intense feeling of vertigo. I am not good with heights. A manic laugh escapes me. The thrill of being one step away from certain death always gets me. I balance on a branch and hold out my arms from my sides. A 'come get me bitches' invitation.

Please, world, show me what you got. You've already done your worst. The sun washes me in a bright, warm glow and I open my mouth to drink in the light. I wish I could bottle this stuff up and take it home. Speaking of home, I best be getting back. I don't need my mother feeling like she lost another child. I've been put on light surveillance, with good reason.

By the time I get back to school, students are emptying out into the parking lot. I spot Afro Samurai looking resplendent with her hair blowing in all directions in the wind. She's pretty hard not to spot, with her 'don't fuck with me' stance and general aura. Avoiding her, I scoop up my backpack from the bushes and walk towards the gate. I pull out a cap from the bag and bury my face in it. Sayonara, denizens. Let's waste another day tomorrow.

A/N: Hey everybody, lets go to Iceland!