I always thought that my mind was stronger than my heart.

I've always praised myself for not being as easily riled up as my brother Alfredo, or as straight-laced as Alphonse, or as tongue-tied in front of his crush as Albert, pero iba pala talaga kapag tinamaan ka.

And I got hit hard. Really hard.

I can barely breathe when she enters the room. It feels like my insides turn to knots. The sound of her laughter can be made to music, and her smile made my day complete.

Vianca Janina Pereira. VJ to her girl friends, Vee for short.

Noon hindi ako naniniwala sa mga kuwentong kakornihan na titigil ang oras kapag nakita mo ang crush mo, or mawawala ka sa sarili kapag natitigan ka nila.

Vee was all that for me.

The moment she opened her mouth to answer the questions for our Discrete Math lesson last semester parang bumuka ang langit at nagkantahan ang mga anghel. It was the first time I found a girl who could surely challenge me intellectually.

And challenge me, she did. The class became our battle ground and our teacher and classmates the avid viewers of our twice a week showdowns. Siya lang ang tanging representative ng angkan ni Eba na nakapagparamdam sa akin ng ganito.

For the first time, I was excited to go to school. I wanted to see her. I wanted to exchange ideas with her.

I wanted her: her beautiful mind and her beautiful smile.

For the first time, feeling ko okay lang maging corny at tanga. Nilamon ko ang mga pangangantiyaw ko kay Kuya Albert.

"O Ali bakit sambakol mukha mo baby boy?" Bati sa akin ni Kuya Albert. Umupo siya sa tabi ko habang umiinom ng juice. "Para kang nabasted ah."

Inirapan ko siya, "Kuya, nabasted ka na ba? Bakit kabisado mo hitsura?"

Nasamid si kuya at tumalsik ang iniinom niya sa t-shirt niya. "Buset ka," he reached to hit me but I quickly dodged him.

"Wala pang bumabasted sa'kin, 'lul."

"Kasi wala ka namang nililigawan. Ikaw nililigawan."

"'Kala mo naman ako lang gan'on. Lahat po tayo," he reminded me. "Well, maliban sa'yo. Dine-deathglare mo kasi bago makalapit."

It's true. Habulin ng mga babae lahat ng Zabala. Maski ang half-brothers kong sila Aidan at Adam parating may umaaligid na nagpa-pa-cute. Si Kuya Alphonse mahirap makapasa sa standards niya ang mga girls, si Kuya Albert bulag sa kanyang itinatagong feelings kuno kay Ate Chelsea (na super obvious sa lahat pero dine-deny ni ate), at si Kuya Alejandro mas interesado sa pamumundok at pagkuha ng nature photos. Tanging si Kuya Alfredo ang bukod tanging namumutakti ng girls na dina-date, minsan sabay-sabay pa. I don't understand him. Nakita ko ang epekto ng pagiging unfaithful sa aming mga magulang, so I don't see myself wanting the same thing for myself.

Si Aidan naman, takot sa tunay na girls. Ewan ko ba sa isang 'yon. Parang may trauma na ewan at hindi kayang makipag-usap sa mga babae. Si Adam naman okay lang. Di masyadong seryoso sa mga bagay-bagay kahit sa relationships. Ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa, takot sila sa commitments.

Back to Vee. I really want to court her pero ayokong gumawa ng bagay na corny dahil nakokornihan ako sa lahat ng common ways para manligaw ng babae. I don't see myself as someone who'd send flowers or food. Hindi ko rin gustong manligaw online or through a letter. I mean, I'm a genius for crying out loud. There must be something better para mapansin niya ako.

Shit . I sound like a pathetic wuss.

"Kuya, nasubukan mo na ba manligaw?" Di ko alam kung bakit ko naitanong 'yon kay Kuya. I immediately regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth. Oh shit. I saw a sly smile slowly form on Kuya Albert's face.

"So may liligawan ka na nga?" He punched my arm. "Hindi nga? Binata na si Ali namin?"

WTF?

"Oy, nagbibinata na si baby boy!" Tangina isinigaw pa talaga!

"Ano? Sino?" Dumungaw si Kuya Alfredo mula sa kanyang bintana. I covered my face with my hands. Why did I ask him of all people?

"Sino nililigawan mo?" Kitang-kita ko sa malaking ngiti ni Kuya Albert ang excitement. Tangna, parang bakla.

"Wala..." I turned away from his avid gaze.

"Wala ang pangalan niya? Eh gago pala magulang n'on eh." He laughed and I was more annoyed.

"Kung maka-gago, hindi mo kilala okay."

"Ano ngang pangalan? Sabi ka kaagad na di kilala di mo naman masabi... unless lalaki 'yan ano?"

"The fuck! Anong sabi mo?" Mabilis na nakailag si Kuya Albert. Sinundan ko siya pero sadyang may lahing palos yata si kuya at ang bilis makailag.

"Si Ali lalaki ang gusto!" Tanginang 'to!

"Oy Alberto manahimik ka, aga-aga ang ingay niyo!" Bulyaw ni Kuya Alphonse. "Binu-bully mo na naman si Ali."

"Eh lalaki pala gusto nitong si baby boy eh... ay shet!" I finally caught him and delivered a side kick to his thigh. "Bwisit ka!" I gulped when his expression changed and he caught me.

"Ikaw may kasalanan!" I tried to push his face away pero matindi ang pagka-headlock niya. "Ikaw nauna!"

"Gago, kuya mo 'ko!" My lungs burned for air.

Nagpumiglas ako pero sadyang mas malakas si Kuya Albert at pahigpit nang pahigpit ang hawak niya sa aking leeg. "Kuya Al!" I could feel my vision start to blur on the edges.

"Tumigil nga kayo," I could feel the noose loosen and took in huge gulps of air.

"Kuya!" Reklamo ni Kuya Albert. I flinched when I felt kuya Al hit me upside the head. I glared at him.

"Ang kukulit niyo pareho naman kayong pikon." He flexed his hands. "Isa pa, sasapakin ko kayong dalawa."

"Grabe kuya, child-abuse..." Kuya Albert rubbed the back of his head. Medyo nahihilo pa ako sa pagka-headlock niya kaya naupo muna ako sa lapag ng terasa.

"Child abuse mo mukha mo. Arte mo Alberto." Kuya Al threatened to hit him again. "Ali." I rolled my eyes.

"Sorry kuya." I mumbled. Kuya Al has a way of making me feel like a little kid eventhough I'm already 15. I stood up and brushed my shorts. Tumalikod na si Kuya Al while Kuya Albert sidled up to me.

"Sino nga kasi 'yang mystery girl mo?" I looked sideways at him with a frown. Itong si kuya, ubod ng tsismoso.

"Di mo kilala 'yun. 4th year na siya."

"Malay mo naman. Ano nga, sino?"

"Vianca, taga-Eng'g." Nakita kong napakunot-noo si Kuya Albert.

"Pamilyar." He said. "Maganda?"

"Maganda ang utak niya." I deadpanned. "Siyempre maganda!" Parang nakakagago 'yung tawa ni kuya. "Tama na nga." I turned away and went to my room. "Kaya ka di pinapansin ni Ate CJ mukha ka kasing ewan." Sapul. I laughed at him before I slammed the door in his face.

***

Love is a series of chemical reactions in the brain. Poets and writers have made the misnomer that it is the heart that feels love. True, heart-rates accelerate and sweat glands go haywire when two individuals with the perfect combination of hormones meet, so the misnomer probably stuck.

I don't know if I like this feeling or hate it. All I know is that it gives me exhilaration since I cannot fully anticipate what would happen next. I'm all knots inside and I don't have any back-up plans. Something alien for someone like me.

I watched her enter the room with two of her girl friends. Sila 'yong lagi kong nakikita na kasabay niyang kumain. Maraming lalaking pumoporma sa kanya; I mean sino ba naman ang hindi mabibighani sa mix ng beauty and brains? Pero wala pa siyang sinasagot sa kahit isa sa kanila kaya nabuhayan naman ako ng loob.

I saw her sit in her usual place, one row ahead from where my seat is. Pansinin mo. I am referring to the letter I taped on her desk. I've already herded off two other people from sitting there. I hope my mental powers reach her. I hope... I hope she gets the message.

Hindi. Malakas ang tiwala ko na makukuha niya ang gusto kong sabihin. Ma-appreciate kaya niya?

Ali, nababaliw ka na.

Pakiramdam ko di ako halos humihinga habang pinagmamasdan siyang tanggalin ang nakatuping papel sa ibabaw ng lamesa. Eto na...

"Andiyan na si sir!" Narinig kong sumigaw ang isang classmate namin at bahagya akong napamura.

Oh shit. Nakita kong isiniksik niya sa pagitan ng kanyang module ang sulat ko na hindi man lang ito binasa.

Dafak... Hindi ako mapakali sa upuan ko. Ito naman kasing si sir lovelife na sana, naudlot pa. Hinihintay kong buklatin ni Vee ang sulat ko.

"Puwede umayos ka ng upo? Di ko makita yung board." Reklamo 'nong nasa tabi ko. Halos nagkandahaba na kasi leeg ko sa kaka-sulyap kay Vee.

Please naman basahin mo na... sagutan mo na?

Napaayos ako ng upo. Nahiya naman ako sa katabi ko. Sa totoo lang puro fourth year ang kasama ko sa klase na 'to. Kumuha ako ng exam para di na 'ko mag-freshman. Sinuwerte akong makakuha ng slot.

Bigla na namang bumilis tibok ng puso ko nang makita ko na binuklat niya 'yong module niya. Eto na... eto na talaga... mapapatunayan ko na kung mahusay talaga siya.

I watched as her eyes narrowed as she scanned the message I wrote. I know she would be able to decode the message. I know... I just know...

I saw how her head came up and scanned the sea of faces around her. I schooled my face. Ayokong maging sobrang obvious. May natitira pa naman akong kahihiyan.

I pretended to bury my face on my Readings.

"Iba talaga pag genius, 'no?" I heard my seatmate say.

"Ha?"

"Tama si Bob Ong, eh." I frowned at him. Anong sinasabi nito? He smiled at me before he pointed at the papers on my hand. "Baliktad magbasa ang mga Pilipino."

I wanted to melt but I pretended not to care. "Boring kapag usual way nagbabasa. Boring na nga 'yong subject eh." I said casually. "Si Da Vinci nga baliktad magsulat di ba? So walang masama na baliktad magbasa." I know I'm babbling. I've never wanted to explain like this to anyone for the longest time.

"Hey, whatever floats your boat man."

Ayokong magpahalatang napapahiya ako. I turned my gaze back to the front of the class and saw Vee looking at me. I quickly averted my gaze and pretended to write something on the edges of my Readings pero napapangiti ako. I'm sure alam na niyang ako ang nagpadala ng message.

Buong dalawang oras ko siyang sinusulyapan. Halos hindi rin niya napakinggan ang lesson. She was busy poring herself on my letter.

That's my girl.

I was surprised when everyone started standing up. Di ko napansing natapos ang klase na wala akong narinig maski isang salita ng lecture. But I don't care. The only thing I care about right now is knowing the answer to my questions.

She started to stand and I scrambled to get up as well. Bumagsak ang upuan sa kakamadali ko and she turned to me. She was trying to suppress a smile.

Arrgh, mukha akong tanga! I immediately righted the chair pero pagtayo ko nakita kong nasa may pintuan na si Vee ng classroom at nagpapasukan na ang susunod na class.

"Vee, sandali!" I called to her. It's the first time I said her name out loud at napatigil siya sa corridor. "Um, ano... kasi..." she smiled at me and everything I had to say melted from my mind. Ang tangkad pala niya. Matangkad na ako for my age but she was still a couple of inches taller.

"Here." She handed me back my letter. Di ko napigilang mapangiti ng todo.

Yes!

"Sorry." She said, "ang hirap naman niyan."

"Um, nahirapan ka ba?" I know I'm grinning like an idiot. "So?"

"My answers are there." She said. "Bye, Ali." I gaped at her as she started to walk away.

I was confused. Isn't she supposed to let me walk with her? Hindi ba niya naintindihan 'yong problem set?

My answers are there.

I immediately opened the note and checked her answers against the legend box I prepared. I scanned it and tama naman ang answers so far. What the fuck?

The bottom of the page held another equation that I knew I needed to answer. Baka ito na ang sagot niya. I sat down on the side of the corridor. Wala akong pakialam kahit ma-late ako sa next class ko.

Tagaktak ang pawis ko sa kaka-solve. For the first time halos mag-palpitate ako para makuha ang final answer.

Eto na...

Oh, shit.

***

"Kuya Ali bakit po sambakol mukha mo?" I felt Aya poke my cheek with her finger. "Anong nangyari kuya?" I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. I pulled Aya and hugged her tightly.

"Di makatarungan." I murmured.

"Ang alin po kuya?" She looked puzzled.

"Baby ka pa, di mo pa alam 'yon." I replied. Buti pa si Diosa, mukhang di pa nadi-discover ang walang kwentang feeling na 'to.

Shit. Ayoko na ma-in-love.

"Eh, ano po ba ''yon'?"

"Pag nahanap mo siya baby girl dapat pumasa siya sa aming lahat na mga kuya mo."

"Eh sino nga po? Ang labo mo naman kuya." She pouted.

"Wag ka maniniwala sa fairytales at forever. Hindi totoo si Prince Charming." I said bitterly and Diosa laughed. Shet, pati si baby girl pinagtatawanan ako. How low can I go?

"Kuya talaga lakas din mag-joke. 'Kala ko si Kuya Alfred lang ganyan, 'kaw din pala."

"Basta baby girl wag ka agad bibigay. Keep your mind over your heart."

"Sabi mo po eh. Lakas mo kaya sa akin." I felt her hug me. "Wag ka na sad. Sayang 'yong gwapo genes."

"Aya, sabi mo gagawa tayong pro-oops..." I heard Sabrina, Diosa's best friend by the door. "Sorry po Kuya Ali."

"Sige kuya, gawa pa kami project ni Sab." She kissed my cheek. "Wag na sad ang paborito kong kuya."

I tried to smile but it came out forced. Ang sakit pala ma-reject. Sana hindi ko na lang sinubukan.

Worse, bakit ganoon? Bakit sa kanya pa?

Maghapon akong nagmukmok. Kahit anong gawin ko: magpatugtog ng rock music, maglaro ng games, magbasa ng libro- bumabalik 'yong thoughts ko sa sagot niya.

Leche.

***

Di ko namalayan na inabot na ako ng gabi. Wala akong ganang kumain at di ko ginalaw 'yong pagkaing dinala ni Yaya Maring. Naririnig kong nagkukulitan sila kuya sa terasa. Gusto ko sanang makihalo pero baka mamaya kulitin lang ako ni Kuya Albert.

"O baby boy, pinapakuha ni Yaya 'yong pinggan." Speak of the devil. "Wow, seryoso ka? Di ka talaga kumain?"

"Ako na diyan kuya." I stood up and took the tray filled with covered dishes. Narinig ko ang mga yabag ni kuya at alam kong kasunod ko siya.

"Ano bang problema? Chicks ba 'yan?"

"Wala akong balak mag-alaga ng manok." It came out more sarcastic than I intended.

"Patawa ka Ali, di ka pa naman kalbo." He ruffled my hair and I had the urge to dump the tray on his head. "Tara inuman na lang tayo. Makakalimutan mo rin 'yan."

"Kuya ang good influence mo talaga." I didn't want to say that the idea appealed to me. Kung hindi lang ako minor, baka bumili na talaga ako ng beer sa convenience store sa harap ng village. Kaso kilala ako ng mga tindera at pati na may-ari kaya siguradong di ako pagbibilhan.

"Wag ka ng KJ. Mawawala 'yang mga problema mo. Dali na, isang bote lang."

"Papagalitan ako ni Kuya Alphonse."

"Asus, wala si Kuya may OT daw." He took the tray from my hands and set it on the kitchen table. "Ano? Papabili na 'ko kay Andro."

"Pag ako pinagalitan."

"Ang chicken mo naman, kaya ka siguro hindi sinagot no'ng nililigawan mo."

"Shit." The pain returned full force with his words.

"Wow... that bad, huh?" Inakbayan ako ni kuya. "Don't worry, we'll drown your worries."

***

"HA?!" Nanlaki ang mata ni Kuya Alberto habang hawak 'yong message ko kay Vee. "Putangina naman Ali, kahit ako babastedin kita."

"'Lul." Tumatawa din si Kuya Andro. "Hindi nga, binigyan mo ng problem set? Tangina, iba ka boy..." He opened a can of beer and handed it to me. I stared at the foamy bubbles before I took a sip.

Shit. Ang sama ng lasa.

"Op-op, bawal idura." Kuya Albert warned me. "Ang tunay na lalaki can hold his drink." I was tempted to spit pero wala akong takas kaya nilunok ko na lang.

"Kasi nga ayokong maging common 'yong approach ko. We speak the same language you see?"

"Hahaha... Oo nga, kita ko nga eh." Kuya Albert took a swig of his beer. "Kaso, iba talaga ang charms ko." I badly want to hit him. Ang hirap na ngang tanggapin tapos nang-aasar pa.

"O, ikaw talaga... imbes na damayan natin si Ali... aba, malay ba niyang nabihag na ng ibang Zabala 'yong dream girl niya." Ngumisi lalo si Kuya Albert and I felt the beer can in my hand bend.

"Oy, wag mo sayangin ang beer!" I quickly took a long gulp dahil tumatapon na sa kamay ko 'yong beer.

"Tangina naman eh..." I took another mouthful. Iba pala itong beer. Kapag tumatagal parang sumasarap na 'yong pait. Shit, kasing-pait ng pakiramdam ko.

"Fangirl pala ni Kuya Albert." Kuya Andro murmured. "Di bale Ali, makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo. Tiwala lang." My Kuya Andro is a man of few words but tonight, it seems that the beer managed to loosen his tongue.

"Hindi na. Walang love... kalokohan lang 'yan." I drank deeply. Hindi ko namalayan na naubos ko na 'yong isang can. "Isa pa nga."

"Kita mo na, malakas pa 'to si Ali uminom sa atin." Parang umiinit ang pakiramdam ko at nakakaramdam ako ng bahagyang pagkahilo.

"Ang bagal niyo naman magbukash..." I felt something cold in my hands and I gulped the next can. The faces of my brothers started to swim in my vision.

"Arf, arf!" I felt a furry body beside me and reached for our pet labrador.

"Buti pa 'to shi Kayla mahal ako..." I stroked our dog's soft coat. "Di ba Kayla?" I hugged her tightly. The dog gave me a soft bark and nuzzled my neck. It was warm and wet and comforting.

"Love ako ni Kayla..." My thoughts seem to scatter...

The last thing I remember was settling against something warm before I was lulled to sleep.

***

"Isa pa, tangna epic talaga ni Ali!"

"Uy gago baka magising na!"

"Hindi yan, isa pa... hahaha..."

I could hear distinct voices. I tried to open my eyes but the light stabbed them and I clutched my head.

"Sinong gago nakaisip nito?" I heard the scrambling of feet around me. Someone tripped and yelped loudly.

"Si Kuya Abet po!" More thumps... I feel like my head will explode. Fuck, ganito pala 'yong sinasabi nilang hung-over. I could feel something wet and warm on my cheek.

"Wow Ali, ginigising ka na ng fiancee mo!" I heard Kuya Albert say.

"Uy gago gising na yan. Dali, tago mo na 'yong camera."

Wait, what?

"Anong kagaguhan na naman 'to Alberto? Ang bata pa ng kapatid mo pinainom mo?"

"Kuya! Broken-hearted si baby boy, alangan naman na di namin damayan?" Yeah right.

I tried to curl into a fetal position. Ang sakit ng buo kong katawan. Andito ako sa lapag ng terrace. Parang dito na ako nakatulog kagabi matapos naming uminom.

"O asan si Alfredo?"

"Wala, itinakas na naman kotse ni Daddy."

"Pero kuya, panoodin mo 'to. Epic 'to." I opened one eye. It still felt really bad.

"...lecheng mga babae yan... kay... kay Kayla na lang ako..." I felt like a jolt of electricity surged into my brain.

What the flying eff?

"...Kayla, tayo na okay... hik... peste... at least di mo pipiliin 'tong si Kuya Albert na nasa muscles ang brains..." Natigilan ako... holy mother of...

"...anong sabi mo... tarantadong 'to... yan... kiss mo pa... bagay na bagay kayo ng aso... hahaha..."

Agad akong tumayo para agawin ang camera pero nahilo ako.

"Ayan na si Ali!" Kuya Albert dodged my clumsy hands.

"TANGINA!"

"Camera ko!" Kuya Andro followed kuya Albert and I rushed to run after the two of them.

"Mga gago kayo!"

"Okay lang yan baby boy!" Kuya Albert laughed, "at least sigurado ka na loyal ang fiancee mo."

As if on cue, the dog pounced on me and covered me with kisses.

Damn.

I'm never gonna fall for that stupidity called love again.

W/N:

Pasensya na sa tagal ng pag-update ko dito sa Star-Crossed. Para po kay @veejay ang chapter na ito. XD Sana vote and comment kayo kung nagustuhan ninyo. Huhu... sabaw na ang author.

Shameless plugging! Please read my story "Even Stars Fall" about the Zabala next gen. I have already uploaded the first 8 chapters of the story. Sana po i-support niyo rin ang mga future gen ng Zabala. <3