Chapter 3: Susanna

Dad was kept in a closed casket.

Sa sobrang tindi ng pagsabog ay nasunog ang buo niyang katawan. Only dental records proved that the body inside the casket belongs to our father. Umaga nang dinala ng mga taga-funeral parlor ang kabaong ni daddy at nag-set-up sila sa sala naming. Inilipat ang TV set sa kwarto nila Kuya Alphonse at pati na rin ang mga ibang cabinet at side table. May naglagay rin ng monobloc chairs sa terrace at sobrang abala sa kusina si Yaya Maring at mommy para maipaghanda ng makakain ang mga makikipaglamay.

Tahimik kaming lahat na magkakapatid. Si Diosa ay nakaupo sa tabi ng casket ni daddy na animo mawawala ito kapag - inalis niya ang kanyang tingin. Sila Kuya Albert at Alphonse ay busy naman sa pag-aasikaso sa mga dumarating na bisitang nakikiramay at mga bulaklak na ipinapadala. Nagmistulang flower shop ang bahay sa dami ng mga bouquets na pinapadala ng kung sino-sinong grupo na kakilala o kinabibilangan ni daddy.Si Kuya Alfredo ay nagkulong lamang sa kanyang kwarto. Ayaw niyang lumabas o kumain man lang.

Laman din siya ng balita at tumanggi kaming magpa-interview. Tanging si Kuya lamang ang bumasa ng statement ng pamilya tungkol sa pagkamatay niya. The family wanted privacy to mourn his death.

"Diosa, dito ka kay kuya." I called my sister's attention. She turned melancholy eyes at me and I had to turn my eyes away. Wala ang karaniwang ngiti at sigla ng aking kapatid. Hindi ako sanay na ganito kami. Noon, kahit wala si Daddy maingay ang bahay dahil sa kulitan naming magkakapatid. Nabibingi ako sa katahimikan - the hushed whispers, the silent prayers, and those looks of pity from strangers cut something deep inside me.

How does one deal with death?

Death is not some foreign thing. Death is as natural as life, yet faced with the death of someone close to you, even someone estranged like my father feels unnatural. It felt unreal.

I feel like if I open my father's casket, there will be nothing there and he would one day come back through our front door and greet us and tell us stories from his travels once more. He would laugh at us for crying and worrying, and my siblings would welcome him and things will be the same as always.

I had this strange fantasy conjured up in my mind. It's silly, I know but it's better than the reality right before my eyes.

I blinked back tears. When did they start to form? I started to stand when I heard loud voices. Sabay-sabay na nagsipagtayuan ang mga taong nasa sala upang mag-usyoso sa nangyayari sa gate ng aming bahay.

"Kuya, ano pong nangyayari?" Naramdaman ko ang pagkapit ni Diosa sa aking t-shirt. Pati siya ay nakisiksik sa may pintuan para makita ang kaguluhan.

Tuluyan akong lumabas ng pinto. That's when I saw her for the first time.

Susanna Yapkingco. My father's mistress.

"You will let me see him!" She's screaming at my mother and brothers. Pinipilit niyang pumasok sa gate at pinipigilan naman siya nila Kuya Albert at Alejandro. Hawak ni Kuya Alphonse at Yaya Maring si Mommy na galit na galit.

"For once Susanna, magkadelikadesa ka naman," galit na singhal ni Mommy. Si Mommy na parating kalmado at masayahin. "Tantanan mo na ang asawa ko. Bigyan mo naman kami ng kahihiyan!"

"Mahiya? Bakit ako mahihiya? Asawa ka lang niya, pero ako ang pinili niya." My mother looked stricken. Susanna raised her nose haughtily and I have the sudden urge to wipe the smirk off her face. I walked to where they are pero may maliit na kamay na kumapit sa damit ko. I turned and saw Aya's huge, questioning eyes.

"Stay inside baby," I told her while prying her fingers off my shirt.

"Ma..." A boy with glasses was pulling at Susanna's dress. Halos magkasing-tangkad kami nung bata. May isa pang bata na nasa likuran nila at mukhang hindi alam ang gagawin.

They could be none other but our step-brothers.

"Tumigil ka Ai!" She shoved the boy's hand away. "We will see your father. Adam, halika!"

"Nakuha mo pang idamay ang mga bata! Baliw ka ba?" Nakita ko ang tensyon sa mga mata ni Mommy. Hindi pa siya nakakatulog at alam kong pagod na siya sa pag-asikaso sa wake ni Daddy. Yung mga kamag-anak namin nagsisipaglabasan na at nagagalit rin.

"Mama!" Bakas ang kaba sa mata nung Ai habang nakatingin sa mga taong naroon. Adam looked like he wanted to cry but is trying really hard not to.

"Ada he's my sons' father too. May karapatan ang mga anak kong makita ang tatay nila." Walang pagmamakaawa sa boses ni Susanna. "Ikaw ang mang-aagaw. Hanggang sa huli isinisiksik mo pa rin ang sarili mo."

"Don't you dare make it look like I'm the selfish one Susan. You were the one who left. You were the one who couldn't stand on your own." Nanggagalaiti na si Mommy. Bakas ang pagkalito sa mga kapatid ko sa sinasabi nilang dalawa.

"Pero hindi ko akalain na ahas ka pala. How dare you? Pinagkatiwalaan kita." Dinuro niya si Mommy at hindi ko na kayang pakinggan sila. "Akala ko kaibigan kita."

"I loved him. Even after everything that happened I still loved him. I'll probably love him even after his death." Umaagos ang luha sa mga mata ni Mommy. "I don't think you can make the sacrifices that I did."

"Puwede po bang wag kayong manggulo dito?" I don't know where I got the calmness in my voice. I just found myself walking towards them and standing up to Susanna. She turned her tear-streaked face towards me.

"Didn't your mother teach you not to join in older people's conversations?" She looked haughtily at me.

"Ah, shit..." I heard my Kuya Albert curse softly. Kilala nila ako.

"I thought you were older madame, but I guess age doesn't equal wisdom." I heard the gasps from behind me. Tinignan ako ng masama nila Ai at Adam. Namutla si Susanna. "Manners maketh the man."

"How arrogant." She turned to me. She looked like she wanted to hit me but I'm ready.

"Arrogance is having an exaggerated sense of one's importance so I would deduce you must be talking about yourself." I took another step towards her. She lifted a shaking hand towards me.

"Don't even think about it. You are in our house. Trespassing. If you think you can harass my family, think again. If you lift a single finger to hurt me, I have witnesses. I can sue you for child abuse." 

"Do not for one second think that you can hurt my family." Naramdaman kong may tumayo sa aking likuran.

"Please, umalis na po kayo. Let's settle this kapag pare-parehong malamig na ang ating mga ulo." My Kuya Alphonse spoke with authority. "Aidan, Adam halikayo." The two looked suspiciously at my Kuya's outstretched hand before they cast a bewildered look to their mother.

"Go. I'll be in the car." Susanna threw me a sharp glare which I returned in kind before she stepped out of our gate.

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I closed my eyes to rest them for a while. Kung sa akin lang, hindi ko papapasukin ang dalawang kumag na ito pero si Kuya Alphonse ang nagdesisyon at wala namang pagtutol si Mommy. Dinala na siya ni Yaya Maring sa kuwarto upang magpahinga at si Tita Ana Rosa naman ang tumulong mag-asikaso sa mga bisita.

Okay, aaminin ko na naiirita ako kay Aidan (nalaman ko na Aidan pala ang pangalan niya kanina) at Adam. I don't even want to consider them my brothers. They would forever be a painful reminder of my father's infidelity at ang pagkasira ng pamilya namin. Nevermind na hindi naman nila pinili na maging ganoon. Nevermind na kasalanan iyon ng parents namin but my anger needs an outlet and they happen to be the easiest one right now.

I felt a familiar figure settle beside me on the sofa. I didn't need to open my eyes to know that my little sister is sitting beside me. I pulled her to sit on my lap and she placed her head on my chest.

"Kuya Ali, di mo ba sila kakausapin?" She whispered to me.

"No." I cracked an eyelid and peered at her. She looked troubled as she watched our 'brothers' from a different mother.

 "Parang mabait naman sila eh." I rolled my eyes at that.

"We have yet to see." Sa ugali ni Susanna, I don't expect much from Aidan or Adam. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

"Ow..." I yelped when Diosa pinched my nose. Her lips are in a slight pout.

"Nag-iisip ka ng bad." She calmly stated. I lifted a brow at her.

"Being wary is a survival instinct."

"Di ba kapatid din natin sila?"

"Kayo lang ang kapatid ko." I saw her frown deepen but she kept whatever she had to say to herself. She stood up from where she was comfortably seated on my lap and approached the two.

I stood up and left. Ayokong makipagplastikan.  

Umakyat ako sa hagdan. Papasok na ako ng kuwarto ko ng may marinig akong tumawag sa akin.

"Alistair," liningon ko sa Mommy na nasa may pintuan ng kuwarto niya, "halika, anak." Lumapit ako sa kanya. Yinakap ako ni Mommy. Medyo ilang ako kasi ang laki ko na at hindi naman talaga ako sanay na niyayakap. Si Diosa lang ang laging yumayakap sa akin.

"Binata na ang baby boy ko, ayaw na magpayakap." Rinig kong sambit ni Mommy habang ginugulo yung buhok ko. Nakakainis, di ba niya alam ang hirap ayusin ng buhok ko?

" 'Mmy!" I protested. Napangiti lang si Mommy sa akin.

"You don't need to protect me Ali. Ako ang dapat pumoprotekta sa inyo," she wiped an errant tear away from her face. "Hindi kayo dapat madamay sa mga kasalanan namin."

I chose to be still and listen.

"Ang tangkad mo na anak, kailan mo pa ako natangkaran?" Her eyes got misty again and I suppressed a groan. Ayoko ng madramang usapan. "May girlfriend na ba ang baby boy ko?"

"Mommy!" I frowned at her at natawa naman siya. Girls? Sheesh, I can't stand them.

Napansin naman ni Mommy na hindi ako komportable kaya binitiwan niya ako. "Ali, patawarin mo na ang Daddy mo." Sumeryoso siya. "Lahat ng tao nagkakamali. May mga ginawa rin akong mali pero ito lang ang alam ko..."

"Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na minahal ko ang Daddy mo kasi ibinigay kayo ng Diyos sa akin. Mahal ko kayo anak at kayo na ang buhay ko."