I've missed our annual trip to the north for five straight years that I stayed in the US to study and work. Sa sobrang tagal na ay na-e-excite ako kaya badtrip na kahit anong pilit kong matapos kaagad yung trabaho ay dala ko pa ito.

"Ali, baka nabibigatan ka na kay Allison," Ate Lena said pero I just shrugged. Palitan kami ni Kuya Alphonse sa pag-drive at turn niya ngayon kaya kinandong ko na ang inaantok kong pamangkin. Sa backseat naroon si Ate at hawak si Aaron. I adjusted her head para matuunan ko ang Ipad ko kung saan ka-chat ko si Icen.

I7: The Main HQ wants the documents hand-carried, says it's too sensitive to be sent via email.

Jaguar: I'll be in Sagada by tomorrow. Be discreet.

I7: Er boss, I dunno if that's possible. Sorry.

Jaguar: ?

I7: Komova kinda insisted. Sorry.

Well, fuck. So much for subtlety. All I really wanted was a bit of quiet time with my family. Kahit buwisit na buwisit ako sa kadaldalan ni Aidan at kayabangan ni Kuya Alfredo, I'd still choose a day with their crazy chaos than another mission with Lana. She got it into her head that since the agency keeps on pairing us for a number of successful missions already that there is something special going on. Lalo na't ilang beses na kaming nagpanggap na couple.

I know she's not in love with me or any of that shit. This silly infatuation has to go.

Jaguar: Will you send Sanada instead? That's an order by the way.

I7: I'll see what I can do. She's gonna come in either tomorrow or tonight. She won't be there 'til tomorrow afternoon, soonest.

Icen looked terrified at my expression so I schooled my features. Di naman niya kasalanan na nag-co-countercheck ang Main Branch sa amin. It's only natural since kami ang pinakabagong establish na branch. There is still much to prove from my team's capabilities.

Jaguar: Keep an eye on the other agents for me. Also, I need an update on Tiu's case.

Allison shifted and I had to catch her head from falling off my shoulder. Napatingin si Icen sa natutulog na bata and I swear she almost cooed.

I7: Wow boss, ang cute!

I ignored her comment and gave her a pointed look.

I7: Right, Tiu. He just got engaged. I included my report on the files with Komova.

I shrugged. I couldn't care less if he married an orangutan. Old families have this unhealthy obsession with using marriage as leverage.

I7: And boss, um... Tiu's planning to go up north. I don't know when exactly and why.

Up north, eh?

I don't believe in coincidences.

I put down my Ipad and looked closely at the innocent sleeping face of my niece.

Does Tiu know we are on his tail?

***

**CAN it be right to give what I can give?
To let thee sit beneath the fall of tears
As salt as mine, and hear the sighing years
Re-sighing on my lips renunciative
Through those infrequent smiles which fail to live
For all thy adjurations? O my fears,
That this can scarce be right! We are not peers
So to be lovers; and I own, and grieve,
That givers of such gifts as mine are, must
Be counted with the ungenerous. Out, alas!
I will not soil thy purple with my dust,
Nor breathe my poison on thy Venice-glass,
Nor give thee any love-which were unjust.
Beloved, I only love thee! let it pass.

I pulled my shawl tighter around my shoulders. I didn't anticipate the weather to be this cold here in Sagada. Akala ko parang Baguio lang and it's tolerable but I was wrong. It felt colder than autumn in the mainland.

"Maria! Hay, super bagal talaga you! Kainis. Ama will be angry again," my cousin Andi growled in her coño accent. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. If I close my eyes I can imagine her Kris Aquino-esque expression.

It's not like I willingly went on this trip. I honestly had no plans of spending my vacation here pero it's a family trip at kapag si Ama ang nag-decide, walang makakapigil. I shivered for very different reasons.

Ma-me-meet ko na siya.

Brian Tiu. The man they chose to be my husband. A man I know next to nothing about.

Hindi naman sa hindi ko pa siya nakita noon. His family and mine are close business partners. Old Chinese pareho, and Ama, wanting to seal the partnership, had us arranged. Dapat si Achi Aurora ang mapapangasawa ni Brian pero pinili ng kapatid ko na magtanan with her boyfriend na hindi Chinese. Ama was really furious pero wala na siyang magagawa lalo na ng sabihin ni Ate na she's already pregnant. Our family was so ashamed dahil nga matagal na ang engagement ni Brian at ng kapatid ko. To save face, napunta sa akin ang burden ng pagpapakasal.

Ayokong magpakasal! I'm only nineteen for crying out loud and Brian is already in his mid-thirties! I still want to experience how to fall in love. Lahat naman yata ng babae nangangarap na ma-meet yung lalaking mamahalin nila, yung para sa kanila talaga. Not this forced marriage thing.

What if hindi ko pala siya gusto, or hindi niya ako gusto? Are we going to be friends, be civil at least? And they even expect us to have babies soon! Jusko, ni hindi pa nga ako nagkaka-first kiss ay apo na agad ang pinag-uusapan nila Ama.

"Maria! Ugh, I'll leave na!" Padabog kong narinig yung pagsarado ng pinto. I got my book from inside my bag. Dadalhin ko na lang para hindi ako masyadong ma-bore. They will probably talk about business again dahil dumating na yung family ni Brian kanina. Sabi susunod daw siya, may inasikaso lang sa mining business nila sa Baguio.

I immediately felt the cold invade my bones the moment I stepped out into the open air. Iniwan na nga ako ni Andi at nauna sa restaurant kung saan ang dinner namin. Medyo maaga pa naman and the sun is just going down. Nagsisimula nang mamuo ang fog na bumababa mula sa mga bundok. The sleepy atmosphere is perfect for cuddling pero wala naman akong icu-cuddle.

Shit, I just realized that I might not be able to experience those sort of things. God Maria, baka naman mag-work ito? Maybe I should give this marriage a chance?

Halos kaladkarin ko ang sarili ko papunta sa resto. Bumaba ako sa steps ng St. Joseph. The beautiful flowers in full bloom called out to me pero I can't stop and take my time. Pagagalitan na naman ako.

There was a group of tourists in the middle of the road na mukhang kadarating pa lang. I had to walk around them dahil nag-aasaran sila. Mukhang magkakamag-anak dahil magkakamukha sila. One in particular caught my attention. Sobrang guwapo pero mukhang suplado. Nakasimangot siya habang naglalakad.

Sa kakalingon ko muntik pa akong mabangga nang matangkad na foreigner.

"My Alistair!" I watched as she put her arms around the handsome guy. Ay sayang, may girlfriend na pala. I continued on my way to the resto. Pagpasok ko, nakita ko agad sa long table sila Ama. I wanted to sit with my cousins pero sinenyasan niya ako to join them. Jusko, puro matatanda ang nasa table nila and they are conversing in heavy Fookien.

Mabuti na lang at binagalan ko pala ang paglalakad kasi ngayon pa lang dumating yung pagkain. They all stopped to get their fill of the food habang kini-criticize yung mabagal na service sa restaurant. They are being very rude but I kept my mouth shut. Ayokong makakuha ng atensyon kahit na alam ko naman na ganoon din naman yun dahil yung future ko pa rin ang pag-uusapan nila.

"The wedding needs to be prepared, kailan ang balak ninyong ipa-reserve na araw? We have to consult our feng shui experts."

"These two are just perfect for each other. Our families would be really blessed."

"Oh, Maria does not need to continue with her studies this year. After they have a baby boy then she can go back if she still wants to."

"I don't understand bakit pinayagan ninyong hindi business-related ang course niya. Even si Aurora." One of Tiu's aunts said in disdain at lalo akong nainis.

I just listened and tried not to stab my food. Nag-uusap sila tungkol sa akin na parang wala ako doon. Why are they doing all the planning when I haven't even said yes?

I tried to catch either Cassie or Andi's eyes to rescue me pero pareho silang busy flirting with a bunch of foreign guys. These two are quite lucky, hindi pa sila pine-pressure dahil yung mga kuya nila well-established na at wala pa naman sila sa legal age but we all know that they also have no say pagdating sa pakakasalan nila. Marriages in our family are mostly for convenience, maging parents ko ay ganoon din.

"Are you even listening Maria?" My aunt Eliza Lee - Tanjuatco asked with a raised brow. Parati na lang niya kaming pinagdidiskitahan ni ate. She thinks we can't be controlled and it's a disgrace to our traditions. My mom's family is traditional pero she's pretty cool when it comes to us kaya we grew up with more freedom than other kid's in our family. Hindi niya kami pinilit na mag-business school or doctor.

"Maria, come meet your soon-to-be-in-laws." Ama beckoned to me and I bowed and air-kissed Brian's parents. His brother's eyes were creepy when he looked at me. I got this sensation na para niya akong hinuhubaran. I tried to smile at them, but it must have looked forced. Grabe, sana matapos na ang gabing ito!

Napaupo ako na napapalibutan nila. Parang robot na isinusubo ko yung pagkain ko kahit na wala naman akong nalalasahan. I feel so trapped.

"She needs to be prepared for helping her husband when the time comes. I suggest she transfer to business school then run some of our boutiques." Mrs. Tiu said. "I'll have her train under our general manager. I'm sure Maria would be able to handle it."

"Are you sure?" Ama looked so happy. Siyempre, para na ring sinabi nila na ako na ang magmamana ng pagpapatakbo ng boutiques ng mga Tiu. I know they are exclusive retailers of several high-end fashion stores at si Madame Tiu ang nag-ha-handle ng branch na iyon ng kanilang business.

"But I like my course," di ko napigilang sabi. All eyes turned to me. Isang nakakalokong ngiti ang sumilay sa labi ni Clyde, yung kapatid ni Brian.

"Maria, you need to be serious about this. The wedding is soon," Ama said in a scolding tone.

"I'm not Ama," I declared. Agad na nagbago ang expression ng kaniyang mukha. "I'm not ready to be married yet. Please?" Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya ngunit pinalis niya ako.

"You will not follow Aurora's footsteps!" Mariin niyang sabi. Gusto kong mapaiyak. Natigil ang kuwentuhan sa loob ng restaurant at pinagtitinginan kami. Ghad, sana lamunin na lang ako ng lupa.

"Madame Lee, uurong na naman ba kayo sa kasal?" Hindi maipinta ang mukha ni Mrs. Tiu.

"Of course not," Ama replied with a sweet smile. "Maria will be ready."

"When will she be ready?" Parang naiiritang tanong ng Mama ni Brian. "If you are still undecided until now, my son..." She let the thought trail off kahit alam na alam kong threat iyon. "The opening of the new mall in Quezon City is near. You will need all the help you can get and Brian can give it to you." Parang nanliit ako sa narinig ko. Money and power is always the leverage in business contracts.

And marriage is just another business contract in my family.

"We can't wait anymore madame," Mrs. Tiu emphasized her words with a sniff. "If your grand daughter is still having doubts, I'm afraid we have to withdraw our support."

Damn them. Nakita kong namutla si lola at tinapunan ako ng masamang tingin ng aking mga tita. I wish my parents are here to help me pero pareho silang naaksidente four years ago at kinailangan kaming manirahan ni ate sa poder ni Ama.

"Give us a little more time," Aunt Eliza tried to smile at the Tiu's. "Maria will be the most wonderful bride." She gave me a smile dripping with venom.

Parang napakalma naman ang mga Tiu. Aunt Eliza leaned to me casually at bumulong."A month then. Decide which is important to you; your family or yourself."

***

Hindi ako dalawin ng antok. Paikot-ikot sa isip ko ang sinabi ni auntie Eliza. I know that the family businesses have not been that stable simula nang mamatay si mommy and daddy. Our bank loans are getting bigger pero hindi gaano ang profit sa mga hawak naming businesses. Samahan pa ng pagkalulong ng dalawa kong tiyahin sa casino kaya parang tubig na tumatagas ang pera ng pamilya.
The Tiu family is nouveau riche, hindi kagaya ng aming angkan na mula pa sa matatandang pamilya galing sa mainland. Our connections in business and government are deep pero kailangan namin ang pera ng mga Tiu para masustentuhan ang aming naluluging business. Money and connections; a potent pair to achieve power.

Alam kong hindi purely malinis ang businesses ng mga Tiu. Hindi naman ako bulag at bingi para hindi maging aware na hindi ganoon kabilis na lalaki ang pangalan nila kung bago pa lang ang kanilang pamilya sa larangang ito, ngunit kayang isaisantabi ito nila Ama para lang sa pamilya. To protect the family, we would accept their dirty business.

Dahil hindi naman ako makatulog ay tumayo na lang ako at lumabas sa kuwarto. i took my book with me. Sobrang lamig kaya agad na umusok yung hininga ko. Nilampasan ko yung lobby kung saan nakapikit yung nagbabantay. I stepped out into open air and breathed in the night. Tiny points of light winked back at me from the vast open space. Parang mas marami at malapit yung stars dito sa bundok, though alam ko naman na optical illusion lang iyon dahil mas ganap yung dilim dito kaya mas mukhang maraming stars.

Naupo ako sa bench na naroon. Sobrang tahimik at ni walang maririnig na tao sa daan. Tanging mga kuliglig lang yung maririnig. May mangilan-ngilan din na paniki ang lumilipad at nanghuhuli ng mga insekto. Noong una natakot pa ako pero, pagkatapos ng ilang beses na may dumaang paniki ay parang hindi na.

I went on this journey to find some answers. Akala ko mawawala ang stress ko these past few months dahil sa mga problema ng aming pamilya. I was so excited hanggang sa malaman ko na ang purpose nila for the vacation is to bond with the Tiu's.

Hay, lalo lang akong na-stress.

"Oh..." Nagulat ako sa pagbagsak ng mga luha sa librong tangan ko. Hindi ko na-realize na naiyak na pala ako. Agad kong pinunasan yung luha ko bago pa masira yung page ng paborito kong poem. Mula bata pa ako yung pagsusulat at pagbabasa na ang pinakagusto ko kaya tuwang-tuwa ako nang pinayagan ako nila mommy na kumuha ng kursong Literature. The rest of the family raised their brows but mom told me to pay them no mind.

Pero ngayon maski ito yata ay kukunin din nila sa akin.

A month then. Decide which is important to you; your family or yourself.

It's unfair. Bakit ako ang kailangang mag-sacrifice? Dapat si Ate Aurora e, pero tumakas siya kaya ako na lang.

Oh God, nagiging unreasonable na ako!

The last time I saw my sister, she looked so happy and pregnant. Kahit hindi ganoon kayaman ang pamilya ng boyfriend niya, naramdaman ko kung gaano nila siya kamahal... something na hinahanap-hanap ko.

May chance pa ba akong makahanap ng kaligayahan kagaya ni Ate? Di ba deserve ko rin naman na maging masaya?

Do I choose to be selfish or selfless?

***

"Hmmm..." I stretched my arms over my head. Late na rin ako nakatulog kagabi dahil sa pag-iisip. The sound of the birds chirping outside my window is inviting. Kung maglakad-lakad kaya ako? This is my chance for some nice and quiet habang hindi pa gising ang mga pinsan ko. Masyado silang city-bred at walang ibang ginawa kundi mag-selfie at mag-FB or Instagram. Sayang naman kung hindi ko ma-e-experience ang beauty ng Sagada di ba?

I might even get some inspiration.

I put on comfortable clothes and flat shoes. Sabi nila may vegetarian café daw dito and I think I'll try it.

My eyes enjoyed the vast greenery. Ang sarap sa mata ng iba't-ibang shade ng green. The air is crisp and I found myself walking with a bounce on my step. Napakagaan ng feeling. Suddenly the gloom of the past few weeks is suddenly lifted.

"I want to break free," I sang, "I want to break free..."

Sa sobrang saya ko ay binabati ko na yung lahat ng nakakasalubong ko. There were a group of noisy Korean teens na nagtutulakan habang nagpi-picturan sa daan, a few backpackers, and an old foreign couple na sweet pa rin tignan sa isa't-isa.

Wow, sana pagtanda ko I'll have the kind of love they share with each other.

I heaved a nostalgic sigh.

When I turned on the next bend, I saw him again; yung guwapong lalaki kahapon na may blonde na girlfriend. He was meditating alone habang nakaharap sa rice terraces. His face looked so peaceful.

"Good morning," I greeted him. He looked startled. Oh no, baka akala niya ang FC ko!

I smiled and turned away. Nakakahiya, mukhang suplado pa naman siya.

I continued to walk until I reached Gaia. I was surprised na sobrang daming tao kahit na super aga pa. Buti na lang mayroong kakatapos lang na grupo kaya nakakuha pa ako ng lamesa. I sat on the floor and ordered some of the mountain tea. I opened my book and decided to read some of my favorite verses from Elizabeth Barret-Browning. May book review ako and I want to finish it soon.

When I raised my eyes nakita ko ulit yung guwapong lalaking nakasalubong ko kanina. He was looking around pero wala nang place. In one bold move I invited him to my table. Malaki itong lamesa at kasya naman kami. Late ko na na-realize na oo nga pala, may girlfriend ito.

Hay Maria, minsan hindi ka nag-iisip. I tried very hard to hide the awkwardness sa pagiging busy sa pagbabasa. Siya naman ay umorder ng kamote chips at tea. Medyo paubos na yung tea ko kaya tumayo na ako at umorder ulit sa pantry. The owner of the resto is very kind kaso medyo understaffed sila sa dami ng patrons.

When I came back to the table I saw that his girlfriend already arrived. Oh hell, exit stage left na Maria. Mahirap na, baka mapagselosan pa ako.

Bumalik ako sa lamesa para kunwari magbasa bago ako umalis nang dahan-dahan. I got my book while they we're talking. Mukhang may hindi sila pagkakaunawaan dahil nakasimangot yung lalaki.

"Alistair stop being such a prick," I heard her say. Grabe naman ang language ng babaeng ito. Ako ang nahihiya para sa kaniya kasi pinagtitinginan na siya, lalo na yung suot niyang shirt ay revealing kahit na ang lamig-lamig.

"Svetlana, you are gonna upset my darling." I was shocked when he took my hand in his. Napaawang ang labi ko... what? Ano daw?

Napatingin ako sa mga mata niya as his face descended to mine... I felt paralyzed as his soft lips touched my own.

I should have known then that sometimes fate chooses to play a dangerous game with your heart.

***

A/N:

**from Sonnet IX by Elizabeth Barret-Browning, Songs of the Portuguese.

Natawa lang ako nang malaman ko na sa Gaia Cafe and Crafts din pala fi-nilm ang 'That Thing Called Tadhana.' Imagine, doon din ang first meeting nila Maria and Ali tapos parang tadhana nga hahaha...

PS. Di ko pa napapanood yun, natuwa lang ako sa title ng film. XD