I rub my eyes, trying to make the fatigue go away from my orbs, which are barely opened. I focus them on the beautiful face, and her closed eyes. She looks so peaceful now while her lips are slightly parted, and she is breathing slowly, her hands on each side of her body. She must be in peace now. She is not hurting now. She is not scared now. She is not having a panic attack now. She is not having a nightmare, either, I know it. No. But once her gorgeous green eyes are going to be opened, her peaceful self will be awoken, and she is going to start feeling all those bad emotions. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent that. I wish I had a magic wand so I could just take away her pain which can be seen pretty clearly in her orbs if you look closely. Only if you pay attention. And I always pay attention when it comes to her.

I love her so much. By each day I realize how big my love toward her actually is. And by each time I realize that I must fall out of love because I will never be the man she would choose. But that does not stop me from dreaming, huh?

I avert my gaze from this gorgeous creature because sometimes it hurts me to see how much pain she has to bear on her faint back, and I cannot do anything to help nor comfort her. Sometimes it hurts me that she cannot be mine. You never know how hard and painful it is when you love someone with everything you have, who does not love you back or at least does not see you as a love interest.

I focus my eyes on the sky where a few tiny stars are shining. Stella likes to watch the stars a lot because she always tries to find her mother. I never had that habit, never looked at the sky actually, but since she came I started doing this, even when I was without her. Who do I look for when I glance at the sky? Her. My first love. And sometimes it really feels like she is my last one, too. It feels like she learned me so much, and made me feel so special, and then disappeared, leaving me with the desire, but with no one to fulfill it. She faded, and I was left alone, with the shattered heart which belonged to her, was hers, safe in only her little warm hands. For a long time, I used to think that she took my heart with her when she left to catch the train for heaven. But, no, I realized later that she had not, she just engraved herself in it, when she gave it back to me, with all those shattered pieces which cut my hand at that moment when I could not sense her pulse beating and realized that she was never coming back.

I needed a lot of time to find myself again after she left. Yeah, I was young my diary, and you may be laughing at me for believing in love and losing it at such young age, and you surely must be thinking what I felt toward that girl, who deserved to live a happy life, was not love, but... It was. It was a connection, an understanding and maybe it was just young teenage love since it was first, but that feeling was so strange, and every time I was without her I could feel as something was missing. When I was with her, I would feel complete, like we were one person, and not split into two. We understood each other so well, that we did not have to talk at all. Our eyes could feel each other better than any touch ever could. And the silence which was wrapped around our bodies, entwining us, was so comfortable, filled with what I call love.

I do not know if that was love, but the feeling I felt when she left was really a cold one, and it developed into a wound which she opened when she left. She left me to close that wound all alone. In the beginning, it was so hard to close it, every time I would approach the black wound, the wind would start to blow really strongly, and I could hear it whispering... I could hear her whispering, her laugh, her sobs, her scream... Just her. I could see our memories, and I could see us. The coldness would just remind me of her departure, and no one was there to hug and comfort me. I was aware that she was not going to come back, and hold me in her arms, while I would inhale her mesmerizing scent and fondle her wavy hair, twirling it between my fingers, braiding it as she learned me. And each time I would try to close that hole, to fill it, the wind, and the coldness stopped me. And each time when I would break and cry in the bed, I realized that she would not like me to do that. So I lived for her. I am living for her.

And no. Of course, I did not come up with this alone. There was one woman, a therapist, who helped me. And I believe that she would help Stella too, only if she would accept to visit her. The woman is so nice, and you do not even have a feeling as if you were talking to a therapist, but as if you were confessing your fears to your friend, my diary. I met her by accident. And it was like the God... No, not God, like Emily sent her to tell me that I had to live. That I have to live through every down, so I can see the ups, so I can experience how awesome they could be. So, she can experience them through me. Because she is living inside of me. She is not dead, no. But she was when I found her. When I found her that day... My diary, I had to tell my lifesaver this, who was sent by my angel, who is now at the heaven, not being able to live by herself, but through me. I had to tell her what happened, otherwise I could never be better. I had to go through all of that pain, again, through that day so I could finally let it go.

And this night reminds me so much of that day when I lost the person I loved. This night I almost lost the other person. And the same fear, and pain that I felt that day coursed through my veins. They opened that wound like I never filled it, closed it. This night reminds me of the day when my angel decided to leave this world and join the other angels, the ones in heaven. The day when she decided to stop her life, to cut the sorrow, to erase the pain, and to leave alone the person who loved her, but also to leave the person who kept hurting her. That day...

I wake up, closing my eyes again, even though I still haven't opened them, not adjusting to the light yet. I yawn and rub my sleepy eyes. I stretch my hand to feel an empty place next to me. I frown and turn to see that my Emily is not here. When I touch the place where she used to be, it is cold, so that means she has left a long time ago. Why? I frown again, confused while I push the blanket and get up, still rubbing my eyes. I quickly jump into a white hoodie, and a pair of torn jeans. Do not get me wrong, my diary, I was not naked, and no, we have not slept together. And after what happened... After what my brother did, I do not think that we are going to do that soon. But I don't care. Neither of us is ready. And yet, she was forced to do it. No, Myles do not think about that now. Let's think about where Em could be.

I take my phone from the nightstand when my eyes catch a small piece of paper. A note. Even before taking it, I know it is from her, I recognize her beautiful but rushed handwriting.

Myles, I love you. Don't forget that ever, please. And whatever happens, just remember how much I love you. Forgive me, please. Always your Em.

Whatever happens? What could happen? Why would I forgive her when she didn't do anything.

No, no, no. This is not what I am thinking it is. It cannot be. She would never do that. My Em would never take her...

Before I can finish this though, I'm storming down the stairs, jumping and nearly falling while trying to support on the railing.

"Where are you going?" I collide with Christopher's body. "Bro?"

"Don't you bro me!", I hiss, panting from the anger. "Move! Move!" I push him and hear the voices of our foster parents calling me. But nothing can stop me, no one.

I have to see her. Right now. I have to save her from death which is whispering into her ear sweet words, calling her to join it. Not yet. It is not her time. She is so young. She cannot leave me. God, please no.

I'm running like an athlete as I've never run before. I run to save the girl who locked my heart and left me without the key to it.

I caused so many cars to honk at me, some of them maybe even collided, or crushed I don't know, but right now nothing matters to me more than her. More than her life.

I fell too many times, stumbling, but not enough to stop me from running because I'm so determined to save her no matter what. I will succeed I know that I will. God would never let that happen. Right, God? I try to concentrate on praying while running the fastest my body allows me. I feel like her house is moving far and farther away like I can't reach it no matter how much I try.

I can hear my heart beating very strongly, like it is in my throat, threatening to jump out and leave me. I can't feel the air, it's like it vanished while I stop running in order to catch just one breathe if it is possible. But when my eyes catch her house I realize that I can't stop now when I'm so close to the finish. Everything is going to be okay. Do not worry. God will not let anything bad happen.

I punch the door, once I jump on the doorstep, I punch, and punch while yelling and praying for someone to open the door. But no one does that. When I stop being violet, I hear nothing. Silence. Nothing. I punch the door with my leg, kicking it, without any thinking, and they soon open, while my legs quickly sprint upstairs. She is okay. She must be okay. She is ali...

When I open the door of her room, I froze. Her tiny body is laying on the floor, her beautiful face is pale, and her full lips are blue. Her long blonde hair is spread all over the floor, and her face, covering it, and I quickly kneel next to her and move those strands that have fallen on it.

"Emily! Emily!" I jerk her gently, and when she doesn't wake up, I jerk her stronger and stronger, until I'm shaking her whole body aggressively. Her dead body. No. No, she must be alive.

"Emily, please! Please, stay with me!" I quickly bring my two fingers to check her pulse. But when I don't feel it pumping underneath them, I sense tears blurring my vision.

"No! No! Emily! Emily!", I scream at her face, while seeing how she isn't moving her body at all, her blonde hair just falling from one side to another depending how I shake her.

I start massaging her heart. The heart that she gave me to keep it safe. But I could not keep it safe from my very own brother. From the person, I thought I could trust the most.

My naive and desperate self imagined that her body was moving, that her breathing was coming back, that her face was not pale anymore.

"That's it, Em! Come back to me! You belong here! You do not belong to death. You cannot be dead. No."

"Myles?" I turn to see her grandma, standing at the door frame. "Emily!", she squeaks, rushing to us. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I found her like this!", I sob, still massaging her chest, while pressing both of my palms on it.

"I-I will call 911." I don't hear her because I'm giving Emily resuscitation, still believing that she can't be dead, and leave me. Refusing to admit that the angels already took her kind soul from me.

"W-what did she do?"

"I don't know, grandma!", I say, sternly, starting to feel hopeless. "Where are her parents?"

"On a trip. I-I saw the opened doors and I rush, and..." I look over at her, her glance focused on her granddaughter, and then quickly back to the girl I love who is still unconscious.

"Myles", I feel her hand on my shoulder, "stop, son."

"No! She is coming back! You see how she isn't pale anymore! She is going to be okay", I continue to lie to myself.

"Myles... She has left us, son", she sobs, still gently squeezing my shoulder.

"No! No! She hasn't!", I scream, while tears sip down my cheeks and onto Emily's dead body.

"Myles!" She tries to pull me, but I find my way next to Emily again.

"She... She cannot leave me. I cannot leave without her. I-I", I sob, and I can feel hands embracing me.

"Shh, son, shh.."

"I cannot grandma. I need her. It is my fault. It is..."

The paramedics arrived and they just looked at me sadly, pitying me and shaking their heads. They said that she took some pills which boxes grandma found while I was trying to take her back to life, but I covered my ears, not wanting to listen to this, and rushed to her, again, nudging her, and laying my head on her chest, to hear her beautiful heart beating. But I didn't.

I did not hear the heart that used to beat for me. I lifted my head and kissed her lips, only to found them cold, no freezing. Everything was telling me that she was taken by the angels, yet I did not want to admit that to myself. I refused, sobbing, crying, and whispering into her ear to wake up. But then they held me, so they could wrap her pretty body in that... They zipped it and I could not see her face, anymore. That was the last time when I saw her gorgeous face.

I was screaming, praying, praying to God to make her alive, praying those paramedics not to take her away from me, not to bury her, asking them to let me go, so I can touch her one last time.

But I should have known that we could never have our last time. Because we never know when it is the last time going to be. Only God knows and he does not want to tell us, so we can prepare, and say goodbye. No, he just takes people so they can be with him, with his angels, and he leaves us desperate without the people we love, need, and care for. He leaves us without our life which is in a shape of a person. There is one person for each of us in this world, and they are our life. So, we basically have two lives. One that we are living for ourselves, experiencing things like betrayal, refusal, anger, love, and kindness, and we do all of that alone, but when we are prepared, and we learned all of those lessons, God gives us a person who is the best for us. Who is made for us. Who has a role to be our biggest lesson. So we can show him what we learned, and do we know how to use all those lessons, to live that life he gave us in a shape of a person.

Someone finds it sooner or later, and someone loses it sooner or later. Because nothing lasts forever. Nor happiness, nor life. And definitely not life. Life does not last forever. So we should enjoy every part of it, either it is bad or good, hard or easy. But like I said, we never know how to use all those lessons we learned a hard way, and sometimes because of that, we lose our award. What lesson I did not learn? Do not be naive. Do not believe everyone. I am still learning, though. But because I did not learn it back then I had to pay for it. And I lost Emily because of that. Am I going to learn it anytime soon, so I do not lose anything or anyone else? I hope so.

"Myles?" I turn my head from the sky to see Stella's awoken eyes, and confused face in the dark room, only enlightened by the moonlight. "What happened?" She looks at IVs in her hands and frowns. Before she rips them out of her little hands I rush to the bed.

"Hey, hey, do not do that, okay?" I take her hands in mine. "Everything is okay."

"But what happened? Where am I?" She searches for my eyes while frowning.

"We are in the hospital."

"Why?" She rubs her eyes, and I can see their color perfectly even in the darkest night.

"Do you not remember?" She shakes her head. "You fell in a pool. You were drunk and..."

"I remember now." She bows her head and plays with the sheets. A couple of minutes of silence passes and then I break it, looking at her worried.

"Do you feel okay? Do you need water?" I quickly grab a glass from the table next to the bed, eyes focused on her the entire time, so I see when she shakes her head, and I leave the glass.

"Stella..." I take her hands in mine again, hoping this time she won't take them out.

"I am not going to tell you how you should not have done that, but I want you to know that I would be very sad and devastated if something happened to you. You promised me..."

"I haven't tried to kill myself, Myles." She briefly looks into my eyes and then avoids any eye contact.

I stay silent. I did not want to tempt her nor make her sad.

"I am sorry I did not... I did not think of that...."

"I know you did. But don't worry. It is okay. I don't remember everything other than taking the small pill and then I saw my mom, and I wanted to reach her, but then I assume I fell in the water, but I couldn't fight, I couldn't swim so I just surrendered... Then I must have blacked out."I squeeze her hands which makes her look at me, again. "I know I shouldn't have taken drugs, but I... I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't feel it anymore. It hurt so much." She starts crying and I wipe her cheeks with my thumb quickly.

"Shh..." I hug her and she buries her head in my neck, sobbing.

"I... I just want it to stop, Myles. I can't be in pain, anymore... I can't..."

"Shh... We will stop it, I promise.

" Y-you promise?", she sniffles and pulls away, her eyes boring in mine, the pain so clear in them.

"I promise", I smile, trying so hard not to cry, because when I see her I feel so bad for her, that I want to anything, but really anything. To stop the world if I have to. But I do not pity her. No. This is different. I feel power and willingness to do whatever it takes for her to be happy. Whatever.

She laughs, but more tears fall down her soft cheeks, and it breaks me so much to see her like this. In pain.

"I'm sorry I worried you. You forgive me?"

"Of course. No, no, I am not mad at you. Lay now, you have to rest. Lay", I instruct and adjust her pillow, and she lays on her back. I stroke her hair, as her eyes which hold despair watch me the entire time.

"C-can you do something for me?"

"Sure. Anything."

"Can you lay next to me? I... I feel s-so lonely." Her emerald eyes start watering again.

"Of course, I can, Stella." I take off my boots, so quickly, fondling them next to the bed, and climb on the bed, slowly not to hurt her, and lay next to her. I stare at her eyes as she stares back at mine.

We stare at each other for some time. I caress her hair, and she closes her eyes.

"I don't want you to think that I'm using you", she says, opening her tired eyes, lazily.

"Why would you use me?", I whisper, because we are so close, that there is no need for raised voice.

"Because I'm lonely, and because he..." Her eyes water again, but I quickly comfort her, before the tears can fall from her green orbs.

"Shh... Do not cry. I do not think that you are using me. It is okay to feel lonely, you know that I told you that. Do you remember?" She moves her head, nodding slightly. I remember how we were sitting in the yard of Scott's house, and how she was laying on my chest, how that was the first time she confessed to me something, the first time she let me hold her.

It feels so distant now, even if it was a month or two ago, back then when we were out of all this drama. But, she is now asking me to lay next to her, she is again confessing to me that she is lonely, just like she was then. I cannot help but wonder was there a time when she was not lonely. With him probably.

"And then when you are lonely, you need someone to comfort you, that is totally okay, Stella."

My hand not once stopped caressing either her hair or her soft cheeks.

"Do you ever feel lonely?" I nod, remembering again, how I told her that I was lonely, too sometimes, but that I had Chris, just how she had us. Little did I know that he was going to hurt her, and make her feel even more lonely.

"What do you do then?" Her eyes never leave mine, and for that I am grateful.

"I think about you", I admit, before thinking. Why the hell did you say that, huh?

"I think about you, sometimes, too. You deserve better. I think how it would be if I fell in love with you." I do the same thing, more than she could ever imagine. And those dreams I make before sleeping, how would it be if she was mine if I could hug her, kiss her, touch her, shower her with love, keep me alive, especially in those moments where Scott beats me, threatening to take my life away.

But never in my life, I thought that she could be thinking the same. To say that I am surprised would never describe my feelings which are jumping up and down, like kids on a trampoline.

"So do you, Stella. So do you." I move the strands of her hair that fell on her face. Even in the dark, her pink highlights are shining like they were neon.

She leans closer, and my eyes widen, while I let out a small gasp. She leans even closer, and if we move any millimeter closer, our lips will touch. She is staring at my eyes, and I try my best to do the same, and just when I wanted to glance at her full lips, she moves her head and places it on my chest. I kiss her head, and my hand finds its way to her hair, caressing it.

"Who was here?"

"Hm?"

"Someone was here. I heard the distant shouts. Were they here?" I know exactly whom she means by them. Our foster parents. She never calls them foster parents, though. She never really talks about them. She avoids mentioning them. In fact, she does not like them. But neither do I.

Though I kinda feel some kind of empathy toward Alexia, especially after she told me that she had never experienced love while we were watching that show, and I tried to distract her from Michael who came to wish Stella happy birthday. She seemed happy to see him, and I guess that was one of the rare moments when she was not feeling lonely.

I sigh. "Yes."

"Only them?"

"Chloe. Chloe was here as well. She called me after you... She called her foster parents and then ours arrived. It was a mess. I am so sorry that they disturbed you."

"A lot of things, and people disturbed me, Myles, but no one said that they were sorry for that, so you don't have to say sorry instead of them", she lets out a frustrated sigh as I twirl her long lock between my fingers. She has such beautiful and healthy hair.

Nowadays girls rarely have healthy hair, because they like to iron it, curl it, or both, burning it, and I thought that she was going to ruin hers by dyeing it, but looks like she did not. Now I can feel how soft it is, and when I twirl it around my fingers, it stays curled as if my finger was a curler. I would like it if it could be blonde again. It suits her really well. No, not that this color... colors do not suit her well. She could dye her hair in green, and it would suit her, too, and my love for her would not be any less.

"I'm sorry that Elen had to see me in this state."

"Elen is Chloe's... Right." I can feel her head nodding, and quickly I remember the names of her blonde friend's foster parents who called her their daughter, unlike ours who called us bastard and bitch.

"She won't probably", she inhales, "let Chloe spend time with me anymore."

"Oh, no, she was very worried for you. You should have seen how she and I assume her husband stood for you and me when Scott..."

"Did he hurt you?" She lifts her head, rapidly, and looks at me, her eyes holding worry even though behind it, it is an enormous amount of pain that I still do not know how to erase.

"No, he did not, do not worry", I lie.

"You are lying." She shakes her head, her brows knitting, and I can see the disapproval on her face, even though the room is wrapped in darkness.  God, why am I such a bad liar?

"He tried, but did not." She seems to be satisfied with that answer, so she puts her head back on my chest, and I welcome her, wrapping my arms around her gently because I was scared that she would not do that again.

"How's her husband?"

"Elen's?" She nods again. "Well, he is tall, and I believe that he is really against any violence." I realize what I have said, so I quickly shut up my mouth.

"That is nice. So you think that he could be good toward Chloe?"

"Absolutely. You do not have to worry at all. In fact, I think that he would protect her as her own father should have." I want to tell her how he screamed at Scott, and almost hit him, when he yelled at Chloe and insulted her, but that would only make her angry, so I decide to keep that, and I think that her friend would be satisfied that I made that decision.

But I cannot help but think was Scott really serious when he said that Stella could not see Chloe anymore. I do not want to tell her that, either, because that would surely upset her, and she just woke up from this state she put herself into, or should I say people around her put her into it, giving her pain constantly, repeatedly, endlessly without any pause, to let her breathe, when she is obviously always struggling with the air in her lungs, that disappears every time she panics, each time she sees that crimson liquor.

"When are they going to come back?", her low voice snaps me from my thoughts about her pain, which I need to erase, like now. But I cannot. I am clueless.

"Do not think about that, now, okay? Try to rest and I will solve everything", I say, wondering how the hell I intend to do that, but right now she needs to hear that someone is going to be next to her, and take a little bit of that pain that is draining her already exhausted body. But I am not lying, no. I will solve everything, I just need to figure out how. As soon as possible.

"Please, you are supposed to be resting."

"I feel so weak", she mumbles in my chest. "Is that normal?"

"It is, but do not worry the IVs are going to make you stronger and when you wake up in the morning, you are going to be so strong, and feel better." Is it actually morning already?

"Are you going to leave?", she asks, her voice barely audible.

"No, of course not. I will be here. I promise."

"You can go if you want to. You are supposed to sleep, as well."

"I will sleep. As long as I am next to you, I will be okay." I realize what I have said and I wish I could take that back, scared that it can terrify her.

"Okay. Me too." And with that, I assume that she closed her eyes, and surrender to the world of dreams, that I hope called her, instead of the world of nightmares.

I do not know if she meant that she would be okay as long as I am with her or that she would be going to sleep, as well as me. I am kinda confused, but happy that she is in my arms, and that I have this chance to hold her, so soon the fatigue overtakes my mind, and sends me to the world of dreams, too.