Lina’s POV

                Jon and I wrestled in the hay for a few minutes before we were both laughing so hard that we were holding our stomachs and wiping stay tears off our faces. Ok so maybe I was a little bit of a softy now and then but it didn’t change the fact that I could still be a hard ass bitch if I needed to be; what was so wrong with being a softy anyways? I still found it amazing how well Jon and I could get along, we were comfortable together; usually it took me a long time to warm up to people but with Jon it was just natural. The more we got to know each other the more alike we seemed to be and the harder it became to make myself keep my distance from him; I knew that he didn’t like me in the same way that I liked him and I had to remind myself that multiple times daily so that I didn’t do anything stupid to mess up the friendship that we had together.

                By the time Friday night rolled around I couldn’t wait to go to Juniors house to let off some steam; Jon was coming along too and we got Caleb to agree to be the designated driver for the night so that he could actually let loose this time too and not have to stay sober. Caleb and Jen showed up just after nine and we all piled into Caleb’s truck and took off towards Juniors. Jon, Jen and I immediately made our way to the kitchen and joined in on the drinking games; before long we were all starting to get buzzed and loosen up. Jen and I tried our hand at Karaoke but she was so off key that we got booed off the makeshift stage after just our first song; Jon convinced me to go up alone about a half an hour later and instead of boos I had the crowd cheering by the time I went back to join the others.

“You really do have a good voice.” Jon complimented me when I found him in the crowd.

“Thanks.” I replied feeling a little self-conscious. “How about you, do you sing?” I asked trying to change the attention from me to him.

“I do a little but you won't get me up on the stage so don’t even think about it.” He said grabbing my arm and pulling me back into the kitchen.

“Jonny Boy! I missed you!” Jen shouted as she came running towards us and crashing into Jons chest; luckily he was still sober enough to keep his balance because Jen was wasted and almost knocked them both to the ground with the force she ran at him with.

“Don’t lie to me Jen.” Jon teased as he righted her back into a proper standing position.

“You’re right; I didn’t miss you that much.” She replied with a grin but then almost immediately it turned to a frown as she looked between the two of us. “Caleb made me play beer pong and now I’m drunk and you’re not.” She pouted.

“Well I guess we just have to play too so that we can catch up!” I told her and her frown changed back into a smile as she pulled me towards the table.

“Hey Jon, come over her man I want you to meet some people.” Caleb called out over the crowd; Jon gave us a smile and excused himself as I took up a position on one side of a table to start a game of pong. Jen was my partner and too drunk to make any balls in the cups so it didn’t take long for me to start catching up to her drunken state.

“So are you two together yet or what?” Jen slurred as she tossed the ball and completely missed the table all together.

“What?” I asked almost choking on the sip of beer I just took. What would make her think that Jon and I were together?

“Oh come on Lina, you can’t seriously be that blind.” She attempted another throw causing our opponents to have to leave the table in search of the ball she tossed half way across the room.

“Jen, you’re drunk.” I replied waving off her comments.

“I know that you like him and that he likes you, so what’s the problem?” She asked; how could someone as intoxicated as her even have the slightest idea that I like Jon? Was I really making it that obvious that I liked him, that even a drunk person could see it?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I replied as the other two players came back to the table with the ball; they tossed it and immediately I was having to down two more cups of beer.

“I call bull shit! Don’t you lie to me Lina, you like that boy!” She was raising her voice and I slapped my hand over her mouth to shut her up while looking around to see if anyone overheard her.

“Jen, be quiet!” I scowled her.

“Then admit it!” She spit back once I took my hand off her mouth allowing her to speak.

“Fine, maybe I do like him but it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t feel the same way.” I said quietly hoping that nobody was overhearing our conversation.

“Are you girls gonna’ play or just sit there and jabber all night?” One of the guys from the other team asked; in unison Jen and I both tossed the balls back to their side of the table and surprisingly both made them into their cups.

“Sum bitch.” One of them muttered as they both grabbed a cup and started to empty the contents.

“Girl if you can’t see that he likes you just as much as you like him then you might just be blind, deaf and dumb.” Jen said raising her eyebrows at me before swaying slightly and I reached out to catch her before she fell and knocked over the few remaining cups on the table.

“Whatever Jen, it doesn’t matter.” I felt defeated even before the other players landed their balls in the two remaining cups and won the game; I didn’t care about losing the game, I felt defeated because I could never have Jon the way I wanted to.

                We left the table and I made Jen promise me to keep her mouth shut about me and Jon for the rest of the night; whether that would really happen or not was still up for debate but I hoped that she would at least try her best. To try and keep my own mind off of Jon I took to another drinking game of cards but it was only a few minutes later when Jon took the seat next to me and joined in the game. I decided that instead of wallowing in self pity about what I couldn’t have I would just push the thoughts to the back of my mind and actually enjoy the rest of the night; it was a few hours and lots of drinks later when Caleb decided that Jen was about to pass out and we needed to head back home.

                Even though Jen was on the verge of being unconscious in the front seat she still managed to keep us thoroughly entertained on the ride home with her rude and crazy comments about random people from the party; I had to wonder how she could even remember half of them in her highly drunken state. Jon and I were both pretty well lit too but we at least still had most of our motor skills intact; well at least I thought I did until the truck stopped moving and it was time to get out and stand on solid ground again. Luckily Jon was quick and caught me as I jumped out of the truck and headed straight for the ground; if it wasn’t for him then I was sure that I would have a nice head wound and some gravel to dig our of my palms and knees in the morning.

“Easy there.” He said trying to steady my before waving bye to the others and leading me towards the barn.

“I’m fine to walk on my own.” I said trying to pull away from him to show him that I was perfectly capable of doing the task and it was just the change from the car ride to the ground that threw me off at first; it was going good for a few steps before I stumbled over some rocks and once again headed for the ground.

“Sure you can.” Jon said catching me by the waist and leading me into the barn.

“You’re such a good friend Jon.” I said smiling as he helped me into the tack room.

“Yeah, well, I try.” He replied sitting me down on the cot before taking a seat next to me and removing my boots.

“I really like you.” The words came out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them but in my slightly dizzy state and with my sudden boost of confidence from the alcohol I don’t know if I would have even tried to stop them if I would have had time to think about it first.

“I like you too Lina.” He replied with a chuckle pushing a piece of my hair behind my ear.

                I don’t know if it was just the alcohol that pushed me to do what I did next or maybe just the need that I had wanted to fill for so long, maybe it was both, I locked eyes with him and leaned forward pressing my lips to his. At first it was just a light kiss, a kiss that he didn’t really seem to want to return but soon it turned to something much deeper; the moment I felt his lips moving with mine instead of staying frozen I lost control. One second we were sitting side by side and the next second I was straddling his lap and my hands were fisted in his hair; one of his arms was wrapped around my back while his other hand was pressed against the back of my neck deepening the kiss. I wanted to keep going, I never wanted the kiss to end; this was what I had been waiting for and wanting for weeks, but Jon seemed to have other ideas as he pulled away and moved my body next to his before placing his head in his hands.

“Lina, we can’t do this.” His words were mumbled by his hands but I still understood them plain as day; it was true he didn’t want me like I wanted him. He had just got caught up in the moment with me and did what any man would have done if a girl kissed him, he reacted.

“I’m sorry; I should have known you didn’t want me.” I replied moving back on the cot so that my back was resting against the wall of the barn.

“It’s not that Lina.” He said pulling his head up and turning to face me; from the look in his eyes I almost wanted to believe him but I could allow myself to, I couldn’t allow myself to entertain this fantasy that he wanted to be with me anymore, it would just hurt us both in the end.

“It’s ok Jon, I understand.” I replied looking down at my lap so that I could avoid his gaze.

“No, Lina really, I do want you, it‘s just…” He said reaching for my hand but I pulled it away; I didn’t want him to tell me these things just because he felt bad about hurting my

feelings.

“Don’t Jon; I don’t want you to make up some excuse just to make me feel better. I think you should just go.” I motioned for the door as I tried my best to hold back the tears that I knew would flow the moment he left the room. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get upset about something that I already knew, but I just couldn’t help it; as much as I had told myself that he didn’t like me it never really sank in until this moment.

“Lina I really do like you, I have for a while now, but it just won’t work, I’m just not good enough for you.” Jon said lowering his head but making no move to leave. Great now not only did I feel bad about making a move on him, he was making me feel worse by trying to downgrade himself.

“Don’t do this Jon, don’t make this something that its not. Look I made a mistake and I’m sorry but I won’t have you looking down on yourself to try and make me feel better. I think it’s just best if you leave now.” I moved myself into a laying position and faced toward the wall so that he couldn’t see my face; already tears were starting to coat my eyes and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before they were released.

“I’m sorry Lina.” He said softly before I felt the cot move and heard the door to the room close behind him; I managed to hold back the tears until I heard the door to his apartment close above me.

                I cried for what felt like hours as the reality of the situation finally sunk in; what I had been trying to convince myself of for weeks was finally no longer avoidable, Jon didn’t want to be with me, he never did, I was just a stupid girl living out a fantasy. I can’t believe that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable; stupid enough to think that maybe what I was feeling for him he would return to me. Then for him to try to be the better person about it all and turn it around on him so that I didn’t feel bad about making an idiot out of myself; I should have known that Jon would try to do something to try and make me feel better, that’s just the type of guy that he is. I don’t deserve to feel better, I deserve to feel just as stupid and bad about myself as I do now; what would have ever made me even begin to think that I would have been good enough for him?

                What would it be like between us now? Did I just ruin everything we had together; did I just ruin the friendship that we had been working so hard to build? The more I thought about everything that I could have thrown away between us all over one damn kiss the worse I felt about myself. Why couldn’t I just hold myself together, just get over the fact that he didn’t want me; why did I have to go and kiss him and mess up everything? How was I ever going to be able to forget the feeling of that kiss; the kiss that had been better than any other kiss I have ever had? I felt like the feeling of his lips on mine would forever be ingrained in my mind and nothing would ever compare to that feeling; no one would ever compare to Jon. I was hopeless, I would forever be locked in this moment; I knew that my dreams would be filled with his face and the feel of his lips yet I would never again get to experience them in person. Would anyone ever be enough for me now; would anyone ever compare to what I felt in those few moments with him? Knowing that I would never find the answers to my questions or at least not anytime soon I allowed my mind to drift off to sleep on the tear soaked pillow beneath me.