Dear Tide,

I am writing to say

what an excellent product

you have.

I've used it all of my married life,

as my Mom always told me

it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties

I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago,

I spilled some red wine

on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me

about how clumsy I was,

and generally started becoming

a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood

on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle

of Tide with bleach alternative,

to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday

told me that the DNA tests

on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called

and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!

Going through menopause

is bad enough without being

a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again,

for having a great product.

Well, gotta go.

I have to write to

the Hefty bag people.