No Byron, You Cannot Name Your Child Enterprise

A few weeks after my disastrous interview with Scandalmonger Weekly, Byron texted me to ask if I could meet up for coffee that day. Other than an interview in the evening, repairs that had to be done in my basement, songwriting, looking for a new sound technician, and grocery shopping, I didn't have much going on that day, so I told him that I could come. I figured that everything except for the grocery shopping could wait until the next day.

I drove to the grocery store, and as I did, I thought about Phantom Cat's upcoming Lollapalooza performance, which was making everyone at Revelation Records panic. Although Golden Gate was flying up the alternative charts, the album was behind schedule, and Alan would not stop talking about the "surprise" he had in mind for Lollapalooza that he refused to elaborate on. Alan had invited me to come to the show, so despite my worries, I gratefully accepted the free front row tickets that any Phantom Cat fan would kill for. It would be an interesting experience for sure, and I made a mental note to invite Alan to tag along for my next tour, whenever that would be.

I quickly found everything I needed at the store. In the checkout line, I spotted a copy of Scandalmonger Weekly with a shirtless Alan on the cover. "Exclusive Interview with Alan Rodriguez: The Phantom Cat Frontman Tells All!" the magazine proclaimed. I reluctantly took a copy off the rack and purchased it along with the rest of my groceries. The cashier looked at me oddly when she saw that I was buying the magazine, but she didn't give me too much trouble, so it all worked out. When I got back to my car, I flipped through the magazine.

Luckily, my interview with the magazine didn't make it into the final product. I thanked God for Abby Spencer as I skipped to the interview with Alan.

Alan Rodriguez, lead singer of Phantom Cat, has had quite the year so far. From continuing his relationship with Madhouse's Bianca Madison to recording Phantom Cat's sixth album to his upcoming performance at Lollapalooza, Alan's been busy. We caught up with him earlier this month to ask him about what we know our readers are most interested in: the saga of Alan's love life! In this question and answer session, Alan answered all of our most burning questions about his relationships.

Despite the obvious inaccuracies in the first paragraph of the article, I kept reading. It was an understandable mistake, after all. When your guitarist is the only one that appears in music videos, does all of the interviews, and stands in front of the other band members in photographs because he can't stand the fact that he's the shortest person in the band, it's not much of a surprise when he's the one who becomes famous.

Q: Alan, how many girlfriends have you had?

A: A lot. At least twenty, counting Bianca, but maybe more.

Q: Who was your first girlfriend?

A: I don't even remember. I think I promised to marry a girl in first grade, but that obviously didn't work out. By the way, I'm not an illegal immigrant!

Q: Okay then. How did you meet Hannah Tyler?

A: Hannah? The supermodel? I met her at an awards ceremony after Phantom Cat released our first album, California Sun. The two of us just hit it off, and before we knew it, we were a couple.

Q: How about Kaylee Kartrashian?

A: She was in the video for Black Swan, and I asked her out on the set of the video. To my surprise, she said yes!

Q: You have appeared on her reality TV show Keeping Up With The Kartrashians several times, most recently a few months ago to "check up on Kaylee and her sisters." What was that like?

A: It was really fun. I love that everyone gets to see the details of Kaylee's life on TV. In fact, I think I should get a reality TV show.

Q: What would you call your reality show?

A: The Alan Rodriguez Show. It's short, sweet, and gets right to the point.

Q: Why did you divorce Kaylee Kartrashian?

A: Our relationship just wasn't working. I think we both just lost interest over time, and when we realized that, we got a divorce.

Q: What happened with your last girlfriend, A-list actress Skylar Vance?

The interview continued on, but I closed the magazine. I had heard enough about Alan's previous girlfriends, and to be honest, I didn't want to hear what he had to say about me. Out of all of the women Alan had dated, I was the odd one out. Though I wasn't the first musician he had dated, I was by far the least famous. Even Nikki Arnold, Phantom Cat's twelfth drummer who Alan had claimed on multiple occasions to have dated, was more famous than I was, at least in my opinion. Phantom Cat always sold more albums than Madhouse did.

I drove to the coffee shop where Byron told me to meet him. On my way in, I threw the copy of Scandalmonger Weekly in the recycling bin. I had gotten enough celebrity gossip for one day (or for one lifetime, for that matter), and once again, I questioned who exactly would want to read something like that. Even in the lowest points in my life, I never cared to know what meaningless exploits were happening in the celebrities' lives.

I found Alan, Karim, Byron, Byron's wife Sara, and his five year old daughter Serenity sitting at a table in the corner of the shop. "Hi Bianca," Alan said.

"Hey Alan," I replied. I pulled up a chair and sat next to Alan. "Where's Miles? Isn't he supposed to be here?"

"I didn't even notice that he wasn't here," Alan said.

"I talked to him this morning," Byron explained. "He's at the movie premiere for I Object To Pinkerton."

"Who names their movie that?" Karim said.

"Why wasn't I invited to this?" Alan asked.

"Miles' boyfriend, apparently, and you weren't invited because you weren't the one who did the score," Byron said. "Miles did that. I don't know much about the movie, so you'll have to ask him, but from what I've heard, it's one of those pretentious art films. Knowing your taste in movies, Alan, you wouldn't like it much anyways."

"You're right," Alan said. "It's probably a stupid movie anyways."

I decided not to mention that I had heard a lot about I Object To Pinkerton, and was planning to take him to see it for date night. Hopefully, his opinion on the film would change before then.

"Mommy! Daddy! I'm thirsty!" Serenity complained.

"I'll buy you a hot chocolate, sweetheart," Sara said. The two of them got up to buy some drinks, and came back with hot chocolate for the whole table.

"Thanks Sara," I said as I sipped my hot chocolate.

"You're welcome," she said. "Byron, when are we going to tell them the good news?"

"You can tell them now, if you'd like," Byron said.

"What's the good news?" I asked.

"I'm pregnant," Sara said.

"Congratulations," I said. I knew that Byron and Sara had been wanting a second child for quite some time, so it was great to hear that they were finally getting their wish.

"Yeah, congratulations," Karim said.

"Do you know whether it's going to be a boy or a girl?" Alan asked.

"Not yet," Sara said. "We're still trying to decide on names too."

"Actually, I have some ideas," Byron said. "If it's a girl, I'd like to name her Sarah Jane, but if it's a boy, I want to name him Enterprise."

"I'm not so sure about those names, Byron," Sara said.

The door to the coffee shop opened, and Miles entered the shop and came over to our table. "Sorry I'm late," he said.

"It's okay," I said. "How was the movie?"

Miles smiled and said, "It was excellent. AJ's script was just so clever, and I loved seeing the final product of all of our hard work."

"Should I go see it?" I asked him.

"Absolutely," Miles said. "It's a very good movie. What were you guys talking about before I showed up?"

"I'm pregnant, and they were arguing over what we should name the baby," Sara said.

"Congratulations Sara," Miles said. "Byron, please don't name your child after a spaceship again."

"I really like the name Enterprise though," Byron said.

"No Byron, you cannot name your child Enterprise," Miles said. "I know I'm going to be this child's honorary uncle, and I don't want an honorary nephew with a silly name like Enterprise."

"I don't like Sarah Jane either," Sara said. "It's too close to my name, and that could get confusing."

"Enterprise is worse though," Karim said.

"I agree," I said.

"Even I think that's a stupid name for a child," Alan said.

"Why don't you guys like my baby name ideas?" Byron asked.

"You should let Sara name this one, Byron," I said.

"Enterprise is a good name though," Byron said. "It evokes the awesomeness of Star Trek."

Sara rolled her eyes. "We'll talk about this later."

All of a sudden, Sadie Zimmerman ran into the coffee shop and came up to our table. "Alan!" she shouted, completely ignoring the rest of us. "I'm Sadie Zimmerman from Scandalmonger Weekly. Can I have a word with you?"

"Sure," Alan said. "Is this about Lollapalooza?"

"That's precisely what I was going to ask you about," Sadie said. "How do you see your headlining performance at Lollapalooza going?"

"We're planning to play some old favorites, as well as a few of our newer songs. We also have a few surprises up our sleeves," Alan said.

"What are those surprises?" Sadie asked.

"You'll have to come to our show to see," Alan said. Sadie asked Alan a few more questions, but thankfully, she left quickly.

"So Alan, what are these 'surprises' that you keep talking about?" Karim asked after Sadie was out of the room.

"You'll see," Alan said.

"I'm in your band!" Karim said. "If you have surprises, we should know what they are!"

"You'll see," Alan said again.

Karim rolled his eyes, and we continued to chat. Eventually, I had to leave, so I said goodbye to everyone and drove back home. On my way home, I hoped that Lollapalooza would work out. If Alan made one mistake, the whole band could suffer. However, in my heart, I trusted Alan. I told myself that whatever he was planning to do would help Phantom Cat play one of the greatest gigs of their lives. Everything would turn out just fine.