Princess Kassandra of Nohr

The sea was steadier than I had been expecting. Of course, the floor did rock and sway a little beneath my feet, but I found it soothing. Perhaps it would not be so nice in a storm, but though the sky was still overcast, the day was bright -- a rare treat in Nohr. I was standing on the deck of our ship with my maids, watching Port Dia fade into a smear on the skyline.

"How do you feel, my lady?" Flora asked. "Are you seasick?"

"No, not at all," I said. "Why?"

"Prince Norton was, the first time he went out to sea."

"Norton was seasick?" My eyebrows rose. "I can't imagine it. Are you certain?"

Flora pulled a face. "Unfortunately, I am very certain. He was sick on the deck long before we got this far. Jakob had to brew him some ginger tea."

"Norton's never had any weaknesses," I murmured. "This is a surprise."

"He was far from the man he is now on his first few missions, my lady. But even so, I think you're regarding him too highly, if you will forgive me for saying such a thing. You make yourself sound lesser than him, when in truth you have many strengths."

"Thank you." I ran the flat of my thumb back and forth across a joint in the railing. "I just wish I'd been strong enough to leave the fortress when he did, so I could have helped him as he found his feet. Still, I'm glad that you were there for him, Flora, even if your heart wasn't in it."

She lowered her head. "I'm sorry about that, my lady."

"Don't be. You're assisting me with heart on my first missions, and I'm certain that makes up for it. I think Norton would be glad if he knew that you're offering your help in his place."

"He's very protective of you, isn't he, my lady?" Felicia mused. "I've never seen him more upset than he was after he hurt you during training all those years ago."

"Felicia!" Flora snapped.

Felicia covered her mouth. "Whoops! I-I didn't think -- I didn't mean to say something so insensitive, my lady."

I ran a finger over the scar on my cheek. "I don't mind talking about it. I just wish I hadn't hit my head in the process and forgotten what happened. Norton refused to tell me what I could not remember, although I think I have an idea now. If he had told me, perhaps I would have been able to reassure him that being a dragon...well, perhaps he just wouldn't have left."

"That's nonsense," Xander said from behind me. "Don't blame yourself, Kass."

I turned around. He, Camilla, and Elise had all come up on deck.

"You did what you could to help him, as we all did," Xander continued. "Yet he still betrayed us."

I swallowed. The word betray felt like an injustice, even if it was the objective truth. "I still feel bad."

"As do I." Camilla looked across the waves, her eyes sad. She suddenly turned to me. "But we shouldn't neglect our care of you. How do you feel, darling? Are you seasick? Do you need to lie down?"

"I'm fine. Flora told me that Norton used to be seasick, though."

Xander smiled faintly. "Yes. He always thought we never knew, but older siblings know everything." He frowned. "Well, almost everything."

"Hey!" Elise elbowed him. "You just told Kass not to blame herself about Norton! Don't you go blaming yourself!"

"Elise is right," I said. "Perhaps we should discuss something else."

"Or you could go and take a nap, darling," Camilla suggested. "You are, after all, still recovering."

"Aw, this is her first time on a ship!" Elise said. "And mine! She can rest later. I want us to admire the sea together first."

I turned back to the railings, watching the clouded sunlight sparkle on the water. It was very peaceful out here, and so very bright. I felt like a sunflower that had been locked away for years and was finally allowed some light.

When my siblings stood next to me and Xander's shoulder brushed against mine, I felt like an extremely special sunflower. But even his touch couldn't sweep my worries away.

I wondered where Norton was now. Was he somewhere in Hoshido? Or was he part of the army that was trying to reach the Rainbow Sage? If so, maybe he was watching the ocean this very minute, like me. Or maybe he was already on the island.

"I've visited the Rainbow Sage before and received his power," Xander said, misreading the expression on my face. "Don't worry, Kass. Finding him and seizing the island will be easy."

If only he knew which part of our mission I was really worried about.

***

After we'd stood quietly on deck for a while, Camilla pressed again for me to rest. This time, Elise agreed that I should take a nap, so I followed their orders.

Elise linked her arm through mine and took me below deck. When we reached my private cabin, she shut us both in and sat down on the little bed. "Kass, is it okay if I talk to you before you sleep?"

Concerned, I sat down beside her. "Of course. What's troubling you?"

She looked at her hands. "I don't want to say this to the others in case they make me go back to the castle or something. And Leo would probably tease me if he was here. But I can trust you, right?"

"You can tell me anything, Elise," I said gently. "I promise that I won't tease you, and I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."

She nodded. "Well, the thing is...I hadn't really been out on many missions before you were released from the fortress. I'm used to working at the medical ward in the castle. I treat sickness and minor injuries. I haven't really...it's all very different out here..."

Realisation hit me. "Oh, gods, Elise -- you've been volunteering to use your healing skills on our soldiers all the time. I never thought about how different the patients would be to what you're used to. The injuries soldiers suffer...they're horrific."

She nodded again, one tear slipping down her cheek. "Yeah. Don't get me wrong -- I don't want to stop. I couldn't not heal, knowing that we have wounded soldiers and I have the power to help them. But it's different from training injuries and some sickness. I have nightmares about them...all the time."

More tears followed the first, each one fighting to be released as she tried desperately to keep a straight face. I bit my lip, suddenly finding that my eyes were welling up, too. She was just thirteen, but war was already making her step into adulthood. How was I supposed to protect her from this?

I pulled her against my side. "I haven't treated any serious war wounds myself, aside from those I saw on the day of the explosion in Hoshido. But even they were horrific. I've had a few nightmares about them, too."

She clung to me like a koala bear, her nails digging into my skin. "The worst ones are when I see the others. They stand over the soldiers I'm trying to heal, and t-they're covered in blood because they're the ones -- the ones who -- a-attacked their own..." Her voice cracked, and she choked on her words.

"Shh," I whispered, smoothing her hair. The red walls in Fort Dragonfall sprung to mind, unbidden. For a moment, I thought I could smell the strong, metallic scent of blood.

Elise's elder siblings fought for the many, but her job was to deal with the few. All she saw was disease and death instead of glory and honour.

There was no glory for the wounded.

I saw the battlefield, but I couldn't help myself from also seeing what it did to the soldiers. I knew that Xander did not enjoy taking lives, but he also needed a reason to grant mercy. I did not. I couldn't kill for something that might happen later. I couldn't kill people who had already been defeated.

In fact, I didn't want to kill anyone at all. But as soon as I was well enough to fight on the front lines, I knew that I would have no choice.

"Sometimes," Elise whispered, "in the really, really bad dreams, you're my patient, Kass. Norton is the one standing over you. And I try to heal you. I really, really try. But sometimes when I'm working in the medical tent, my patients...they die."

She shuddered against me, and I realised that she was not just crying with horror, but guilt and grief.

I tightened my arms around her. "You can stop working there any time you want, Elise, but I think I understand what you mean about carrying on. It's hard to walk away from someone who needs your help. Just know that you can't save everyone. For some people, it's...time to move on from this world. And it's not your fault."

How did the others do this? How could they possibly cope with taking so many lives? I didn't think that either Xander or Camilla were completely cold, but they seemed to shut their regret out and get on just fine.

Then I thought of Leo, steering clear of the medical ward. I didn't think he would have teased Elise, had she told him this.

Despite his pretences, I thought he would have also sat here, letting his thirteen-year-old sister sob against his side.