❛ I'm your dream, make you real. I'm your eyes when you must steal. I'm your pain when you can't feel. Sad but true. ❜

SEASON 3, EPISODE 5
say the word

━━━━━━ day 309.

BIANCA'S MIND WAS a muddled mess now that everything had become clear. Lori was dead, T-Dog and Carol were missing, and the group was undeniably broken. Bianca walked through the prison-like Shane had come back to life and shot next to her ears again. She was numb all over. Her arms as she held Lori's baby close to her chest, her legs as she paced, her stomach that hadn't eaten since the previous day. Every feeling she should have felt like nothing. She didn't even feel real anymore.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca had gotten past some of her guilt, or at least accepted that her family was dead and there was nothing she could do. Then she killed Tomas in cold blood, then Lori to save her baby. It was in her, the killer drive. It just hadn't unfurled completely. Once dipped in a bit of mercy killing, her hands were now stained red. She had killed those around her. She knew it now. It was only time before this prison. This small family all cracked under the weight of her.

⠀⠀⠀The numbness had taken over, but it caught up with her quickly as a sob left her lips. Her shaking hands raised to rest on the back of the baby's soft head and held her tight. She rocked, knowing that their closeness might get this baby killed, too. However, she needed the comfort of something familiar for the time being. Of Lori and her motherly presence, of her own mom, of everyone she lost.

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca," a voice called, but it hardly registered.

⠀⠀⠀It felt like every word uttered to her was something from the past, ringing the truth inside her ears. Then, when the hand rested firmly on her shoulder, she realized she hadn't imagined it.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca looked up, finding Daryl standing in front of her. His expression was its regular neutral, but she could see the worry in his eyes as he stared at her. His lips thinned, trying to think of what to say, but the crying girl in front of him made him uncomfortable. Bianca couldn't blame him. Throughout this whole thing, she had hardly more emotions other than anger or boredom. Having her walking around like she was about to explode was something entirely different. Daryl glanced down to his side where Carl had followed him, then looked back at her.

⠀⠀⠀"Let Carl have the baby," Daryl told her, no room for argument.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca nearly did, but her heart clenched, and she knew she would hardly get anything out.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca nodded, peeling the baby away from her, which felt like an odd dream. The universe showed her what her life could have been like before she lost her baby. It hurt, but she always knew it wasn't something she wanted. Carl forced a smile on his face to reassure Bianca he could handle the baby for her. Bianca let a watery smile back, rubbing his hair kindly.

⠀⠀⠀"Rick, you with me? Rick?" Daryl asked, appearing at Rick's side.

⠀⠀⠀Rick had fallen to the ground, sobbing loudly the last Bianca remembered. It was like she had blacked out because now he was sitting on his knees, sweat drenching his hair and rolling down the sides of his face. There were no tears, but there were lines where they had been. He panted, staring distantly out in front of him with no response to Daryl.

⠀⠀⠀"Let me see the baby," Hershel called over to Carl.

⠀⠀⠀They were all worried about Rick, but the baby was the most important thing for them. She had to survive for Lori. Carl listened and walked toward Hershel with the baby presented to him since he was only standing upright with the support of his crutches.

⠀⠀⠀"We're gonna need to feed it," Daryl said plainly, turning to him. "We got anything a baby can eat?"

⠀⠀⠀"The good news is she looks healthy," Hershel mused, staring down at the baby, then answered Daryl. "But she needs formula, and soon, or she won't survive."

⠀⠀⠀"No. No way, not her. We ain't losin' nobody else. I'm goin' for a run," Daryl said defiantly, standing up and slinging his crossbow over his shoulders.

⠀⠀⠀"I'll back you up," Maggie said.

⠀⠀⠀"I'll go, too," Glenn agreed.

⠀⠀⠀"Okay, think where we're goin'," Daryl said to them, then pulled Beth away to talk to her in private.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca let them plan, knowing she was going no matter what anyone else said. She didn't have the mental capacity to think of what was around or what might have formula, but she knew that there was no way in hell she was letting the baby die. Not because of her, not this time.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca went to Carl, standing beside him as he held the baby, rocking her gently. Bianca smiled gently, thinking of her own brother. They were twins, so neither was truly the older sibling despite semantics, but she missed this. The way Carl stared at the baby like he was his whole world, his other half, the only person who would understand the world like him. To some degree, at least.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey," Bianca said to him. He turned to look up at her, and she continued. "Don't forget, you gotta watch out for yourself. There's plenty of people who can watch her, but only one that can watch you."

⠀⠀⠀Carl's eyes turned glassy, tears beginning again. Bianca smiled the best she could and used her thumb to wipe away a falling tear. He looked like he was about to drop dead from the grief, especially the way she mothered him for a second. Then, she snatched her hand away, and they were okay again.

⠀⠀⠀"I'll be back, alright?" she told him.

⠀⠀⠀Carl nodded, frowning. He bunched the baby into one arm, making Bianca incredibly nervous, then stuck out his fist. Bianca punched his fist, giving it a depressing explosion. Carl regripped the baby, and Bianca felt better when he did. She sighed, waving, then turned back to the others.

⠀⠀⠀"Glenn, Maggie, vamonos!" Daryl shouted back at them, waving his hand. "C'mon, we're gonna lose the light."

⠀⠀⠀Glenn and Maggie followed close behind Daryl while Bianca trailed after them. The three talked at a hundred miles a minute, and it fell short on Bianca's ears. However, she picked up on one thing.

⠀⠀⠀"I only have room for one," Daryl told the two, his eyes flickering toward Bianca.

⠀⠀⠀"I'll go," Bianca said before anyone else could.

⠀⠀⠀Glenn and Maggie turned to look at her. The three around her felt like looming statues pressing hard stares into her. She felt uncomfortable as their expressions contorted into worry, and she had to hold her glare.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't know, kid," Daryl muttered, uneasy at the idea.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't have anything goin' on around here," Bianca assured him with a shrug, breezing past the fact that the point wasn't her work ethic but Lori's death.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, Bianca," Glenn said sweetly. He took a step forward, brows brought together in worry, and hovered his hand out toward her like he wasn't sure if he should try comforting her. "After everything that you've been through... I'll go."

⠀⠀⠀"No," Bianca told him. "I need a break from this place... please."

⠀⠀⠀Glenn wanted to protest, but thankfully Maggie had her back. She placed her arm on Glenn's arm and pulled him back a step to tell him she'd be okay. Glenn sighed, then nodded.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca smiled at them as she passed, then sat behind Daryl on his motorcycle. He revved the engine twice before lifting his feet and trailing down toward the main entrance and outside of the prison.

DARYL PULLED INTO an abandoned daycare, a playground sitting out back, and a chicken wire gate surrounding the backyard. Daryl cut the engine, and the two stepped off.

⠀⠀⠀"Company's close. Stay tight," Daryl told Bianca, then nodded toward the building.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca followed him, her mind had returned to numb, and she appreciated that. He opened the gate, and they walked warily through the backyard and then inside. Bianca walked into a room, two cribs sitting along the walls that she ignored. She found a supply cabinet, squatting to look through the bottom set. She nearly cried when she saw diapers inside, so worried they'd come up with nothing. She shoved as many of the diapers into her backpack.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca stood back up, looking through the other cabinets with nothing left. She looked into the room again, noticing a doll with a yellow dress and bonnet. She flickered a smile before behind over and picking it up. She tied the thin arms through her belt loops and kept moving.

⠀⠀⠀Daryl took one end of the hall while Bianca took the other. Something had started to rattle, and neither could pinpoint the location until they met in the middle and walked into another baby room. Daryl nodded her in, and Bianca followed his lead, standing at the pantry doors waiting for his cue. He shot her the go-ahead nod, and Bianca flung the doors open. In time, Daryl shot his crossbow, and something screeched. Bianca looked inside, finding a dead opossum and not a walker.

⠀⠀⠀"Hello, dinner!" Daryl said.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca went to the cabinets and found the formula. Her hands resting on the open doors clenched at the wood, and suddenly it hit her. Her body racked with a pent-up sob as she stared at the formula realizing that Lori was dead. She was cold and gone from this world, never able to hold her baby, see Carl grow into a strong man, find a better place to live the rest of their lives.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca hunched over the counter, her elbows digging into the wooden countertop and her hands cupped over her eyes. She let the sob fall from her lips, unable to control herself, and she wasn't sure if she wanted too much anymore.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, hey, hey," Daryl called, leaving the opossum behind as he rested his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

⠀⠀⠀"No!" Bianca spat, throwing her hand across the countertop, flinging old baby bottles, pacifiers, a few pens, and a collection of toy soldiers scattered across the floor. "This is too much. We keep losing so many people! When does it end?"

⠀⠀⠀"It never ends," Daryl told her, his voice comforting as he said it. When Bianca looked at him, his eyes held the same kind of tenderness that she didn't expect. "But surviving was never a guarantee, even before this. I know it's hard, but you're allowed to grieve even at the end of the world."

⠀⠀⠀"It doesn't feel like I can," Bianca whispered, turning away from her to glare a hole into the counter. "How am I allowed to grieve when it's my fault?"

⠀⠀⠀"What? What do you mean?" Daryl asked, his question coming out in confusion.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't deserve to grieve," Bianca explained under her breath as she shook her head slowly. "Cal, my parents, my brother, Merle, fine, whatever, I was just around. But, Tomas... Lori? I could've done something. I could've saved her, but I didn't."

⠀⠀⠀"No, no," Daryl quickly interrupted her thoughts, his tone demanding for her not to think like that. However, she was already staring at blood-red hands. She believed wholeheartedly she was the reason for all of their struggles. "No one could save them, not even the big man himself. You can't carry this weight, kid. It's gonna crush you."

⠀⠀⠀"I think it already has," Bianca said, her voice cracking as she raised her hand, clutching at her chest, staining it red. "This pain inside me, it'll never go away. I'm stuck here, bearing the burden because I have to. Because I deserve it."

⠀⠀⠀"You deserve a lot of things. Maybe a few bad things, throwing a punch usually lands you one back. I believe you deserve a lot of good things, too. You've done us more good, I promise you that. But no one deserves to take the burden for something that isn't their fault."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca didn't believe him because this was her fault. How could he think differently? Especially now that the images of Tomas' busted head haunted her dreams, approving of her ruthlessness.

⠀⠀⠀"You don't think I blame myself for my brother?" Daryl asked a hitch in his voice but otherwise still calm.

⠀⠀⠀"You weren't there," Bianca retorted.

⠀⠀⠀"Neither were you. Cal was miles away. You were asleep when that thing clawed its way into your house. You were knocked out when Merle was left behind. Tomas deserved that shit. I wish I had done it sooner. I'm sorry I didn't. But Lori... well,s hit, man, she was the tiniest pregnant girl I've ever seen in the middle of the world collapsing. Even if Hershel were there, I don't think things would've turned out much different."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca breathed in, trying to calm herself.

⠀⠀⠀"You ain't perfect, kid, and neither am I," Daryl continued. "Remind yourself of that."

⠀⠀⠀"Alright."

⠀⠀⠀"Now, there's a very hungry baby that you saved from dying waiting for us back home. Let's get goin' before the sun goes down," Daryl told her.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca looked at him. He was giving her a reassuring smile. She sighed, giving him a forced one back, and nodded. She did save Lori's baby. Out of all the miserable things, that's what Bianca needed to remind herself.

NIGHT FELL BY the time Daryl and Bianca returned to the prison. Bianca carried her pack of diapers, formula, bottles, and a few stuffed toys she could fill into the small spaces. Daryl came behind her, more formula in his pack.

⠀⠀⠀Maggie and Beth walked over to the table they made a beeline for, slamming all of their findings onto the table. The two girls made quick use of it all, readying a bottle in seconds for the baby.

⠀⠀⠀"How's she doin'?" Daryl asked them. He rocked her in his arms. The crying subsided some but not enough for them to be relieved from the sound.

⠀⠀⠀Beth screwed the lid on the bottle and handed it to Daryl. He fed it to the baby, and she eased immediately.

⠀⠀⠀"She got a name yet?" Daryl asked Carl with a fond smile.

⠀⠀⠀"Not yet," Carl sighed. "But I was thinking maybe Sophia. Then there's Carol, too. And... Andrea, Amy Jacqui, Patricia, or..." he hesitated a second, looking down. "Lori. I don't know."

⠀⠀⠀Carl turned away, and Bianca moved to his side, putting her arm around him comfortingly.

⠀⠀⠀"You like that? Huh?" Daryl cooed, not pressing anymore, and returned his attention to the baby. "Little-ass kicker." He gave the group a broad smile, chuckling. "Right? That's a good name, right?"

⠀⠀⠀They all laughed, a sliver of relief as they watched the baby, trying to remember it wasn't all bad.

⠀⠀⠀"Little ass-kicker. You like that, huh?" Daryl continued. "You like that, sweetheart?"

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

Double update!! because I knew it was both their POVs and liked both sides to their stories for this chapter. Plus, it just worked with editing since I firstly wrote it like the show with the scenes broken between them.

SONG: Sad But True by Metallica

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like. However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.