Seph

We're in a parking lot of what looks like an abandoned factory. I'll admit I'm not usually in this part of town - the outskirts of the city. There's no other cars around and even though it's still morning, the air is hot. Kian has the window down. This doesn't feel awkward like it should - he's still not talking. I'm wondering if need to speak up first, but just as I decide to start, so does he.

  "I'm just going to tell you everything." He's not looking at me, yet. I wait. "Last weekend, after I brought you home and... told you you are better off without me... I drove to Riverside. I have been avoiding going, but it was time. I went to my mom's house..."

   Whatever he's going to tell me, I can tell it's not good. The bruise on his eye is darker today, in the daylight. And his eyes just look tired. 

  "Zeek was there, by himself. I swear, I was just going to hang out with him a bit and leave but... he had these marks on his neck and a bruise on his cheek. My mom's boyfriend's been hitting him, just like he hit me when I lived there."

   I take in a shallow breath. "He's just a kid."

    "Yeah, exactly. So I sort of snapped and told him to pack some stuff and... I took him. I knew it was wrong, I knew it wouldn't end well, but I didn't care. I had him with me for two days, in Long Beach. I was going to bring him back, and try to talk to my mom, but..."

   I'm holding my breath, waiting for the end of the story.

    "The cops showed up at Fiona's. Somehow they knew I had him there. They took Zeek back to my mom's... and I went to jail. But they didn't hold me, because my mom didn't press charges. She just wanted him back. I've been sleeping in my truck. Last night... I went and got drunk with this guy I know. And I got into a fight... or... a guy punched me in the face. I just couldn't handle it all anymore and I... God, I missed you."

   I reach over and pull his hand into mine. I squeeze it tightly and then look him right in the eyes. He blinks and looks away, like it's too hard.

    "I'm so sorry, Kian," I tell him, because I really am. "None of this is fair."

    "Life's not fair," he mutters, not looking at me.

    "Kian... you helped me get better. You. You're dealing with all this shit on your own, and you still helped me." I just want him to know he's amazing. I want him to realize that he's done a lot for me.

  "My life is a mess and I should be leaving you totally out of it, but I just can't." His words cut through me like a knife.

  "I don't want you to," I whisper.

  "I know you think you care about me, but... I need you to move on. I can't take you down with me," he says, too serious.

  "I do care about you. I know you're angry and hurt but I'm not go to walk away because you think it's better for me," I tell him, still holding his hand tight.

  "I know it's better for you, Seph."

  "I don't care."

  Suddenly he's pulling me close to him. His eyes are too dark and too serious. He's breathing too heavy. He kisses me, hard. He holds me closer to him and I can feel that he doesn't want to let me go.

  "I feel safe with you, Kian. I feel at home with you," I tell him, when he pulls away.

  "I can't be your safe place, Seph. I'm not safe. I don't even have a home. I've been sleeping in my truck all week. I don't even have Frank anymore, so I don't have a job-"

   "What happened with Frank?" I want to know.

   Kian shakes his head. He doesn't want to tell me.

   I pull away and look out the side window. My heart is breaking into a hundred pieces because he is literally trying to push me out of his life. Again. I just want to be in his life. I just want us to be normal.

  "My parents will get over it," I finally say.

  "Will they? Or will be just be mad at you for going against them?" he asks, angry again.

  "I'm a fucking adult!" I shout, looking back at Kian.

  Now it's his turn to look away and take a deep breath. "I'm upsetting you. I'm sorry."

  "Kian... you don't get it. I want to be with you. I want to go leave this fucking town and just be... anywhere..." I say the words slowly because I've never said them out loud before.

   "I can't destroy your life. I've been reckless. And careless. But it's my life. You have a future. But it doesn't have me in it."

  "You're such an asshole," I say, without thinking. "You kicked me out of your truck not even a week ago, saying the same thing. Then you came back and we had sex, Kian. Now? You're trying to do it again?"

  "I am an asshole. I'm been selfish, because I want you. But-"

  "But... nothing. You want me? I'm right here," I say quickly.

   I don't know how to get through to him. I don't know what to say to make him realize that he's worth whatever may happen.

  Kian shakes his head but grabs for my hand again. He's holding on for his life when he look me in the eyes again. Tears are forming and I already have some falling down my cheeks.

  "Fuck, I want you," he repeats. "You make me hopeful, for... something. You make my world a little brighter. I've been pushing you away because I know... I fucking know... that I could destroy you. And that kills me."

  I lean in quick and kiss him. One of his hands comes up behind my head and he pulls me in closer. Our tongues collide and it's like none of this hard stuff is even happenings. It's just us, kissing in his truck. I want this good feeling to stay, but as soon as he breaks away from me mouth, he sighs.

  "I don't know if things will be okay, after this. I mean, if you stay with me... it'll be so hard."

  "I can handle hard," I tell him.

  "What if you can't and you want to go home but your parents-"

  I raise my hand and put my fingers up to his lips. "Let's not worry about that right now."

  "You don't even have anything with you. We can't just... leave." I can tell he's thinking this over in his head.

  "I have my bag. I have a credit card. I have... you," I whisper.

  He shuts his eyes for a minute, really thinking. He wants to do this, I can tell. I just want him to agree. I'll deal with my parents later. Right now, he just needs to agree to this, whatever it is.

  Suddenly his phone is ringing.

  He snaps out of his quiet trance and pulls it out of his pocket. He sucks in a breath and mumbles something I don't understand before answering the call.

  "Zeek? Are you okay?"