Seph

My mom is home the next day, which rarely happens during the week. I generally see her only in the evenings or sometimes when she's off on a Sunday. But it's Thursday today and she's at the kitchen table when I make my way downstairs.

  I slept well. I only half remember Kian waking me up to tell me he was sneaking out the window, because my parents were home. It feels like a dream - all of it. The party. Going to see Kian in his truck. Bringing him back to my house and... yeah. It feels surreal.

   My mom doesn't look pissed off. Maybe she doesn't know that I brought my - whatever Kian is to me - back to the house and had sex with him, before her and dad got back from the party.

   Man, that was reckless.

   But Kian was in shambles and he needed me, he needed that. I did, too. I have zero regrets about bringing him back to the house - as long as my parents don't find out.

  The party was fine. It was good, even. But I realized the moment that Kian texted me that I really don't fit in with those kids. I never did. They don't understand me because I'm not like them.

   Kian is where I fit. He proved that last night, even if he did sneak out the window while I was asleep. That was just smart thinking on his part. My parents would have killed him if he hadn't.

  "Good morning," my mom says cheerfully, looking over at me.

  I don't see Ronalda anywhere.

  "Morning," I repeat, walking closer to her. "Where's-"

    "She needed the day off for an appointment. So I decided to take the day off and stay home." She knows what I'm going to ask.

   "I don't need a babysitter," I say, without thinking. "I mean... I'm doing better."

    "I know you are." My mom smiles, for real. "When did you leave last night?"

   She's back to sipping her coffee and her eyes are off me. I walk across the kitchen and pour my own cup and then turn around to face her again. The kitchen floor is cold on my bare feet and I want to ask her why she keeps the house so cold in the summer.

  "Oh, around 11pm. I hung out with Mack and his friends for a bit, but I was tired," I answer easily.

    "I'm glad you gave them a chance. How was it?"

   She really wants me to be friends with Mack again. I mean, we were never really friends. But it would be nice for her if I spent time with her friend's kid. I know that's what she hinting at. It doesn't matter to her that he'll be gone again in another month for college.

   "It was fun," I tell her. "They were swimming and hanging out, so I just sat out back with them and -"

    "Will you see them again?" she wants to know.

   I want to know why she pushing this? I mean, I guess I know why. I know her motive. She wants me to be normal again.

   "Maybe. Uh, there's still a few weeks left of summer," I say, because I don't want to disappoint her.

   She's been, well, not great to me over the last couple of years but I still don't want her to be disappointed in me.

   "That would be great." She smiles again, but I can see she looks tired. "Last night... things just felt... better. Don't you agree?"

   I swallow hard. She's talking about the dinner and me acting like a normal teenager. I nod, even though I'm thinking about Kian and how I loved having him in my bed last night.

   "Yeah," I tell her, because she wants to hear it.

   With one more smile, she lets me leave. I feel both good about the fact that her and I just had a perfect normal conversation and horrible for lying to her. It was only a half lie. Last night did feel better, but I won't be seeing Mack and his friends again.

   I take my coffee and go sit outside, on the deck. The air is already thick and hot, so I decide to put my legs in the pool. It's only 9A.M. I don't really know what time Kian left my bedroom and I haven't heard from him yet today. I hope he texts or calls. I don't want to be the needy girl who can't wait a day to talk to the guy she just had sex with, but he's all I can think about.

  I'm in and out of consciousness when my phone buzzes beside me, on the deck. I pop my eyes open, confused. I had moved a bit into the shade and closed my eyes, just for a minute. Or five. I slept well last night but I was up early and the heat was making me tired.

   It's a text from Kian. Hey. Good morning. I'm sorry I left how I did. I didn't want you to get in trouble. I want to explain. Call me when you get a chance.

   Last night, Kian came to me in a lot of pain. He was in shock, it felt like. It was the first time I felt like he needed me, rather than the other way around. And I took advantage of that. I didn't make him talk. I didn't ask him to explain why he was so upset, or drove to me, drunk. I just gave him what he needed. Me.

   Now he is offering up answers but I'm not sure I want them. What I have with Kian is something special, but it's also a secret. My parents don't want me hanging out with him. He has a lot going on in his life. We shouldn't work together, but we do. It's so confusing.

   I'm free today but my mom is home, I send back.

   The three dots appear and then disappear again. Finally it buzzes again.

   I don't want to be something you have to hide or keep secret.

   I read the text over and over in my head. He doesn't want to sneak around with me, but what does he want?

   You want me to tell my mom Im still hanging out with you?   I ask him. I don't know what he's getting at.

  Kian:  No. I just... I need to tell you what happened so you can understand. But after that..

  Me:  After that what?

  Nothing. No answer for a good ten minutes. I'm still staring at my phone because there's no way he's leaving me hanging like that. After almost fifteen minutes, it buzzes again.

  Kian: Im down the street, around the corner. Can you come and meet me?

  My heart starts beating so fast in my chest. I am excited and nervous and scared. I don't want him to say what I think he's going to say. But I know I won't be able to convince him of anything else. I don't want to be a girl who begs a guy not to break it off - whatever it is we have between us. I don't want it to end.

  I'm not used to telling my mom where I'm going or what I'm doing. For years, I've mostly stayed home or done what she she said I should do. But she's in the kitchen that I have to pass through to go out the front door. I need my shoes and my bag that I left in the front hallway. I have to lie, and I know I'm not that good at it.

    "I'm just heading out for a walk since it's so nice out," I say, not looking at her.

   I just need to get Kian. I need to hear what he needs to tell me.

   I'm in the front hallway and slipping into my flip flops when my mom appears in the doorway. She followed me through from the kitchen.

    "A walk?" she asks, sounding curious. Or doubtful.

    "Yeah. I don't feel like sitting around the house today," I say, tossing my bag over my shoulder. "I won't be long."

    "Okay." She sounds unsure. I look over at her, waiting. "I was hoping we could talk today... about colleges? For the fall."

   What? She wants to talk about me going to college, all of a sudden? We've literally never talked about college before. I guess I should have seen this coming - but I didn't.

   I force a smile and nod. "Okay. When I get back?"

   She gives a quick nod and doesn't say anything else. I'm sure she's just happy I didn't argue about college. I don't know what she's expecting or what I'll say during that conversation but I'll worry about that when I get back. For now, I have to get to Kian.

   I glance back once I'm outside and down the sidewalk a bit, and thankfully it doesn't seem like she's watching me. It only takes me a few minutes to get to the corner and turn - and then I see Kian's truck. A rush of relief washes over me as I walk a bit faster. He starts the truck as I open the passenger door and get in.

   The look on his face tells me he's happy to see me, but he doesn't show it by touching me or kissing me or even saying anything. I narrow my eyes and wait for him to say something, but he just drives off down the street.