Kian

She wants to know if I think she's worth the trouble? Shit. From the moment I laid eyes on her on that balcony at the party, I knew she'd rock my world, somehow. I didn't know then that she was the birthday girl. I didn't know anything about her. But I found out pretty quickly that she doesn't feel like she fits into the world she's in.

   I had to work at my second part time job on Sunday, where I drive around and pick up scrap metal and deliver it to my boss. It was an all-day thing and by the time it was dark, I was on my way back to Fiona's house. She's my ex, but I'm sleeping in her couch at the moment.

  A few weeks ago, I got kicked out of my mom's, again. Her boyfriend hates me. I slept in my truck for a few days before I was able to find someone who agreed to let me crash on their couch.  Fiona has helped me out in the past, as well. We're friends, but we dated for six months, not that long ago.

  Today, I woke up to a text from my uncle Frank. He told me I had to drive back to Malibu and pick up a ladder, that got left behind at the party. The way my heart beat doubled when I heard I had to go back to Seph's house? Yeah. It was crazy.

  All the way there, I was just praying that I would get to see her. Yes, she gave me her number after the party, but I don't think a text is appropriate at this point. I don't want to look desperate, either. And then all of a sudden I'm at her house and I'm talking to the housekeeper about the ladder - and there she is, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, with her hair down around her shoulders. It's not straight, like it was when I saw her the first time. It's wavy and sort of crazy.

  I spent an hour or two sitting in her backyard with my legs in that damn fancy infinity pool. I told her things about myself just to make her smile. God, her smile is something else. But I also told her that I don't belong in her world. I didn't give her as many details as I could have about my life, but she knows I don't exactly have a place of my own. And she knows my mom isn't great and my dad was never around. Seph and I are so different.

  I think we're too different.

  But she kissed me. I would have kissed her if she hadn't. But she did. And then we were interrupted.

  And I ran away like a scared little rabbit.

*

  I am right smack in the middle of a house party that night, when my phone buzzes with a text from Seph.

  I like my ex, Fiona, as a person. She wasn't the first one I called when I got kicked out of my Mom's this time, but she was the first one to agree to me sleeping on her couch. But she throws a lot of parties. She's in college and lives just off campus with another girl. I am not forced to participate in said parties but of course it happens. And I enjoy drinking as much as the next guy.

  So, basically, I'm close to drunk tonight.

  Seph is asking if she's worth the trouble. And my immediate reaction is: Yes, fuck yes.

  But I type back: You're more than worth it. But I'm not worth you losing whatever it is you might lose by caring about me.

  I stare at my phone for ten minutes, hoping she replies. But she doesn't. So I get distracted and go back to drinking. Five beers later, I pull my phone out again. She hasn't texted me. It's 2A.M. She's likely asleep. But that doesn't stop me.

  Seph, I want to see you again.

*

  The next three nights, I work at the bar. My shift is 8P.M. to 2am. I usually only work a few days a week, but James, one of the other bartenders, is off this week. He split his hand open on a piece of glass over the weekend.

  It's not a fancy bar. It's not even a nice bar. Frank knows the owner and he got me the job when I turned twenty, last summer. I am technically not a bartender but I do everything in the bar besides pour drinks. I sometimes wonder how this place was even running before I started working here. I'm not being cocky - everyone who works here is just pretty damn lazy.

  I haven't heard back from Seph yet. It's been almost three days since I texted, drunk, that I want to see her again. I scared her off. I'm trying not to think about it. Maybe that kiss meant nothing to her. Honestly, it should have meant nothing to me.

 But it was so amazing and it made me feel things I'm not sure I've ever felt.

*  

"Dude, I like it when you're here," Albert, a forty-something man who has likely been working here since the day it opened, tells me, Wednesday night.

  I haven't worked with him often but I think he's a good guy. He also always called me 'dude' because I don't think he knows my name.

  I smile at Albert as I rush past him to grab the mop. There's a mess at one of the booths in the corner. It's only 10P.M. The regulars are here, along with some random people on dates or whatever. This is Wednesday night at the bar. I wish I was anywhere else.

  "Kian!" my boss, Jeff, shouts at me from the back, once I'm barely finished cleaning the spill.

  I wring out the mop into the bucket and push it back behind the bar and towards the back room. Jeff is standing in the doorway to his office, waiting for me.

  "Yeah?"

 "Can you work Friday?" he asks, looking down at me.

  I'm not a short guy. I'm almost six feet. But Jeff is a giant. He's tall and thick and I am sure he could pick me up with one hand. I try not to piss him off.

  I don't want to work here on Friday night. I will be picking up scrap metal all day and I never know when Frank is going to call me to do jobs for him. But the bar is my most steady job. I can't lose this job. I'm saving up for something important.

  "Sure," I say to Jeff, even though it pains me. "Same shift?"

 "You got it. Thanks kid." He gives me a half smile.

  I work every day, as a general rule. I have four jobs, technically, but the last one isn't something I'm proud of. Somehow, a few months ago, I ended up in the middle of a drug deal with some friends, in Riverside. That's where I lived when I was a teenager, where I grew up. It was just weed but I didn't feel good about it. I smoke weed sometimes, sure. Who doesn't? But I wasn't a big fan of selling it. It felt sketchy. Well, a week later, the "friend" called me and said he had a bunch of pills to unload. He knew that I know a bunch of college kids and I could sell it easily. I was arguing him about it until he said my cut would be two hundred a week, if I sell what he gives me by each Friday. I don't even make $200 a week at the bar. I agreed, because I am saving up. It's important.

  Somehow, even though I left Riverside and am staying in Long Beach, I am still working for Drake, the drug dealer. I will stop selling drugs soon. I will get out of Long Beach and get back to Riverside and somehow I'll figure out how to get my brother away from my mother's house.

   I don't have a plan yet. But I need one. I can't keep doing what I'm doing for much longer. I'm getting burnt out. And I have a bunch of money saved. I just hope it's enough.

   I check my phone when I go out back for a smoke break around midnight. I'm mindlessly scrolling through social media when I get a text. For a second, I almost swipe it away without looking at it. I get random texts all the time. Random people looking for drugs. Joe, my boss who owns the junk yard where I bring the scrap metal. Frank. Even Fiona, my ex, texts me often. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone while I'm smoking, so I am a second away from ignoring it. But then I see who it's from.

  I had a rough few days. You still want to see me again?

  It's from Seph. My breath catches in my chest as I read the message over and over.

  I've been trying to plan my next move in my life over the last few days. I've been trying not to think about this girl that I met, that lives in Malibu, in a mansion. She's gorgeous and perfect in a very imperfect way. She's broken and sad and her lips taste like vanilla and pain. I've been thinking about her a lot. Too much. But I know she'll be a distraction. I know she's not my future because even if her life doesn't feel like hers, it's still her life.  And mine is mine. My future is with Zeek, my brother who is stuck in that house with my mother and her asshole boyfriend. I promised him I'd figure out how to take care of him.

  I can't let a beautiful distraction ruin that.