Hi! This one is another WinterFalcon one and doesn't have any Peter in it so feel free to skip if you don't like it :D

~*~

Sam's not sure how it got to this point.

To him casually eating lunch with actual superhero's when he's nothing more then a soldier who happened to be in a program where he had robotic wings.

It could have been a hundred other people who got picked.

But it was him.

It didn't make sense, that it was him who got this and not someone more deserving, someone like Riley.

It can all get a little overwhelming at points.

Like when he's racing against Captain America and the Winter Soldier and he knows they're running slower so that he can keep up.

He appreciates it, really, especially on the days when they don't slow down because they know that he needs to be alone.

To be able to clear his head and focus on the sound of his feet hitting the pavement rather than Bucky and Steve teasing him or each other.

And honestly, Sam loves his life.

Loves being able to have conversations with people who get what it's like to have been in combat, to see things that make it hard to sleep at night, to have done things that made them not want to sleep at all.

He loves being able to talk to some of the greatest minds in the world and to be able to train against people who want him to learn and get better rather just trying to beat him to be the best there is.

But, again, sometimes it all gets a little overwhelming.

So as much as he loves his life, loves the Avengers, training, helping people...

And Bucky.

It's just easier to get away.

To go home and visit his sister and maybe his brother too, if it seems appropriate and to not be the Falcon.

To just be big brother Sam and get to mess around with his nephew and for just a short few hours not be expected to save someone's life.

To go an hour without thinking about Bucky.

Which, he should be doing anyway, they're friends and colleagues and this crush of his is inappropriate.

He's trying to force it to go away, trying to force himself not to stutter and fall over his words like a schoolgirl with a crush on the quarterback every time Buckys shirt lifts a little too high and shows a slither of skin.

Sam won't admit, not even to himself, that the reason he came home in the first place was not because of superhero's and having to save the world and the enormous amount of pressure that went hand in hand with that but because of Bucky.

Bucky and all the things Sam isn't quite ready to talk about yet.

And to get away from the looks that Steve has been giving him lately, one that tells him that he's figured something out, something heavy and Sam doesn't know what it is.

Knows Steve won't tell him either.

So yeah, he ran away to get away from Bucky and his crush and the looks from Steve.

It's stupid really.

He's two hundred and forty pounds and six feet of pure muscle and yet here he is scared of a school yard crush.

If she was still alive, his mother would call him an idiot and tell him to get over himself.

To go and tell Bucky how he feels and stop acting like the dumb bitch he's being.

But she's not alive.

So he's staying in his sisters spare room instead.

"Sam?" His sister, Sarah knocks on the door, which is unusual because she's never knocked before. Not once.

"Yeah?" Sam answers, doesn't comment on why she's acting weird. He's tired.

He's not been getting a lot of sleep lately and wants this conversation to be over soon so he can pretend to sleep to at least fake being a semi-functioning human being.

"Are you okay?" She asks, sits on the edge of the bed carefully. She looks like she worried, like she'll spook him if she does anything suddenly.

Which, again, is weird.

"I'm fine?" Sam says but it sounds more like a question. "Are you okay? You're acting weird."

Sam watches her carefully as her face contorts into a mixture of emotions and for the first time Sam can't tell what she's thinking.

And, without trying to sound repetitive, that's once again weird.

Sam's always been able to tell what she was thinking, he practically raised her after their parents died.

"I'm okay it's just-" She cut herself off, Sam grabbed her hand and gave it a supportive squeeze. "I'm worried about you."

Which- Was not at all what he was expecting because he's fine, really. Never been better if he had to go into more detail, there's no reason for her to be worried.

"Why?" He asks, defensiveness covering his voice. He really wishes she would go away, leave him to wallow in self pity and to stop asking questions he doesn't particularly want to answers.

Especially to his little sister, it doesn't seem right.

"You've been acting weird." Is what she says but Sam can see the meanings behind the words, asking what he's really doing here when he hasn't visited in years for anything other than a holiday or a birthday and-

That's on him. He avoids this place like the fucking plague because he couldn't do this, couldn't sit around his family with all the things he's done, and at this point, it's cruel almost to go back to acting like he hasn't killed what must be hundreds of people at this point.

Especially since he couldn't even begin to guess how many of those people had been innocent, just caught in the crossfire. In the wrong place at the wrong time.

But a stupid crush brought his carefully crafted persona crashing down in a fucking tidal wave of emotions that forced him to come home and hide away with his sister for going on three weeks now.

To ignore his phone ringing from the bedside table draw and ignore it as if his life depended on it and to hope to every god out there that it will stop ringing soon so he can get at least a little bit of sleep.

"You turned up out of nowhere and it's not even a holiday." She sighed, rubbing her hands down her face like she's tired of this argument before it's even started. "I'm glad to have you here, Sam, you know that but you've got to tell me what going on."

He thinks about it, for a moment, two. Then decides against it because this is his burden to carry and carry it he will, even if it breaks him in the process. Better him then her.

So he shakes his head no with a sad smile that tells her more then he means too. He reaches over and squeezes her hand softly, to say sorry for this, for him and hope that she can understand that he can't even if he wants too.

"Sam... You don't have to do this alone, you know that right?" She asks when it's absolutely clear that he's not going to say anything no matter how good her puppy dog eyes are.

No. He thinks, because he doesn't know that. Has always had to do all of this on his own and he's not about to change that now.

But she's looking at him, like Steve and Nat looked at him when they turned up to his apartment cover in mud and blood and just a pure lack of hope that he can't say that.

"I know." He says instead, despite how untrue the statement feels. Despite the fact the lie burns his tongue and leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Despite him wanting to take it back.

Because she smile at him, and I mean really smiles at him so despite all of that he smiles back and remembers how much he loves his sister.

~*~

It's four and half days later when he finally gets off his arse and unlocks his phone for the first time since leaving.

He's on the roof of his childhood home that holds more bad memories then good at this point but his sister had wanted to keep it and raise her kid the same place Sam raised them.

Sam would happily watch it burn to the ground with gasoline in one hand and a match in the other.

(Then he remembers the happiness on his sisters face when he gave her the keys, the day he joined the army and he remembers how although the memories were bad for him, she was just a kid and only thought about the good).

He had a lot of missed messages, too many for him to even begin to read so he doesn't.

Send a thumbs up emoji to the non-work related avengers groupchat in reply to the threat Nat had sent about at least letting them all know he's alive.

His phone rang immediately after and he almost regrets it but it's Bucky who's calling and he's never been able to say no to him before, he sure as hell wasn't about to start now.

His finger hovers over the answer button for a moment, the obnoxious ringing sound way too loud for two in the morning and Bucky' face is staring at him as his contact picture fills his screen.

The picture is the only one of just them Sam has, Bucky's face is covering almost the whole screen except the top right corner where you can see Sam, he's covered in mud and grass and looks so fucking angry which is a complete contrast to how undeniably happy Bucky looks.

It's blurry, the photo, Sam knows it because Bucky was running as he took it. Sam had chased him for ages before Bucky finally gave up and collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter, Sam eventually landing on top of him too.

They had fought on the ground for a while until Bucky had ended up straddling Sams waist, holding his hands pinned above his head with a smirk that made Sam weak at the knees.

God, he had wanted to kiss Bucky so bad.

And he wasn't even sure if he liked him back then.

"Hey Buck." He says, when he finally answers the phone. It's quite, a whisper almost as if he's scared to ruin the already messed up silence.

"You're a fucking asshole." He replies, out of breath, Sam can hear him walking about and knows him well enough to know he's been pacing.

He feels bad, almost.

"I know." He says back because its true, really, he'd dropped of the face of the planet with no more then a be back soon.

He hadn't ever planned on being gone more then a day or two but now that he was out the thought of going back made his throat close and his hands shake; he knows these signs all too well to be able to ignore them and pretend he's fine.

"You just left! For no reason!" Bucky continues, like he hadn't heard Sam speak. He probably hadn't, knowing Bucky. "You didn't even say goodbye!"

And Sam doesn't know why that's the bit Bucky's most upset by, why him not saying goodbye made all the difference.

He would have left either way and they both know that, Bucky couldn't have stopped it.

(He could have, he really could have. If he had told Sam to stay, he would of. No questions asked.

But Bucky didn't know, so how could he have spoken to him and stopped Sam from running from his problems?)

"I'm sorry." He says, because there's not much else he can say to make this better. To make Bucky forgive him for leaving even if he was the reason he left in the first place.

It wasn't his job to put back together what Sam broke when he spent a little too long thinking about Bucky and his hair and his stupid metal arm and his even more stupid non-metal arm that looked arguably just as strong.

This was Sams problem to deal with.

"You're an idiot." Bucky says, Sam can practically see the way that he shakes his head as he does and wonders if his hair is tied up or if it would move as he shook his head.

"I know." Sam repeats, because he really does know. Knows better then he would like to admit that nothing would be this messy if he just grew up and spoke to Bucky.

"Good." He huffs out before he softens his voice. "I miss you." He admits and it feels like a confession.

And it is, a confession, the soft tone and the words. Things he'd never admit if they were anywhere else, Sam grips the phone tighter in his hand. Takes his entire will power not to crush it.

"I miss you too." He replies, it means more than he's saying and they both seem to understand that without having to admit it openly to the world.

Sams grateful for that, at least because he's too far gone at this point to be able to tell Bucky that it means more without admitting every single one of his feelings for the other man.

He's not ready for that.

"Come back soon, yeah?" Bucky whispers, Sam almost missed it but he doesn't miss the meaning behind the words.

I love you.

"I will." Sam whispers back, the rawness of the conversation and the lump in his throat pushing him to be quiet; he can't risk anyone else hearing this. It isn't for them. "Promise."

I love you too.

~*~

Legend says that every few months I come back from the dead just to post and then disappear again.

Sorry it isn't Spidey related but I hope you liked it anyway! It hasn't been proof read all to well and it doesn't really have a plot but I really wanted to write something romance based and also a bit angsty! Idk let me know what you think~

This is the first post of 2021 btw so I hope you all are having a good year so far!

I've been thinking about posting some of these on Ao3 as well as I've been reading a lot more over there so if you see some of these on there it's probably me and haven't been stolen lmao.

Also WandaVision!!! It's soooo good!!And The Falcon and The Winter Soldier is soon!! AND THE NEW SPIDER-MAN TITLE!! AHHHHH

This has been a long a/n already so drink some water, eat some food, take your medication and have a nap!

I love you all!!

Stay safe my dudes!

(Last thing actually: to the person who requested something in like November I'm working on it I promise - okay ilya bye)