GWEN WOKE UP WITH HER ENTIRE BODY ACHING. She groaned as she shifted against what she thought was her bed, wincing at the sound of creaking springs and the scratch of an unfamiliar blanket across her legs. Was she still in her outside clothes? The very thought made her skin crawl and she tried to push herself into a sitting position, her arms shaking, unable to open her eyes.

'Am I dead?' she thought to herself, collapsing back, unable to push herself up all the way, realizing with a start that she was on a couch.

"Oh, look, she's awake. Get up, Gwen, we got practice."

"Em Jay, the girl was out in the rain, and you're thinking about practice?"

"Glory?" she coughed, wincing as she was finally able to sit up, her head spinning as she opened her eyes, finding herself in a slightly familiar apartment, "Em Jay, why am I at your place?"

"Glory was sleeping over and the girl went to go meet the pizza guy downstairs 'cause he didn't want to come up and she finds you just passed out in the rain with your backpack. Did you hit your head or something, what were you doing out in the storm?" Em Jay asked, slightly more concerned, she and Glory bracketing Gwen on either side of the couch.

The two girls plus another member of their band Betty Brant were all the people Gwen had left that she could call her friends. With one friend seemingly having disappeared with no way of contact and one—two, she had to remind herself, beyond the lump in her throat and the throbbing in her head—six feet under, she clung onto the girls as much as she pushed them away, too hung up to do anything, barely focusing during band practice or, really, during anything.

"What's been going on with you?" Em Jay asked, nudging her leg with her own, "You've been weird lately."

"Yeah, well, you know, when your friend dies, you're not always in the mood to practice," Gwen snarked, unable to keep the harsh bite from her words, and she knew it wasn't fair, the girls had known Peter too, but they hadn't known him the way she did.

They hadn't seen him as he was dying. They didn't hear him. They didn't hold him.

She felt the tears welling in her eyes and stood up, a weight immediately hitting her like a freight train, causing her to stumble as she picked up her bag, peering in quickly to see that her suit was still safe inside, clearly not having been found by the other girls; Glory must have pulled through and convinced Em Jay not to go snooping inside.

"Where are you going?" Glory asked, jumping to her feet, "Gwen? Gwen!"

"Home," Gwen replied, her words slurred from the lump in her throat and the tears that were already beginning to fall, "'Kay, m'sorry, but I'm not in the mood righ' now. Later, 'kay, 'll text 'n everythin'."

"Talk to us, Gwen," Em Jay tried, but the door was already closing by the time her words got out, Gwen already gone.

With her earbuds in playing music from a playlist she didn't really care about, she trudged home, backpack securely on her shoulders and hands shoved into the pockets of her hoodie, her entire body feeling gross and aching, demanding a shower and a really long nap. Maybe a good cry while she was at it.

She let out a frustrated shout, not caring about the people on the sidewalk next to her, wondering what this teenage girl could be so upset about this late into the morning. She had more to be upset about than they would ever understand, and she wiped at her eyes, gritting her teeth.

This had been going on for weeks, but who could blame her, really. It had been about two months since Prom, since Peter. Since everything. It had been two months of listening to J. Jonah Jameson scream about the Spider-Woman menace, about how she was a terrible role model for women, how he'd rather have all the other super powered freaks run amok than her, if only to make sure others didn't follow suit, because at least the others don't kill innocent kids.

"I didn't kill him," she hissed under her breath, desperately trying to raise the volume on her already screaming music, hoping that maybe it could push out all her thoughts, all her memories, everything.

She was numb from everything except the constant pain, and she wondered if it would stop or if she would just have to live the rest of her life with the numb ache and pain and tears and hurting. If she had just died, this wouldn't have been a problem.

"Gwen!"

Gwen yanked out her earbud, whirling around to find a police car trudging alongside her, the window rolled down to reveal one of the officers who worked at her father's precinct, frowning at her with worry. "Are you okay? You need a ride home?"

She opened her mouth to decline, to tell her that she was fine, no need to worry, but the weight was too heavy and she just wanted to sleep, so she simply nodded and walked to the door, opening it and climbing in, buckling with a soft 'thank you,' pulling out her earbuds because as much as she didn't want to talk, she couldn't risk making life harder for her father.

The idea of him finding out who she was scared her more than anything. It had yet to happen, thankfully, but she knew that it would, and when it did, she could only hope she would be out of the house to do it. She didn't know who she'd stay with, but hopefully someone who cared.

She wondered if there even were any people who did to the extent that she needed them to anymore, what with her pushing them all away. She dug her nails into her palm to try and stop her thoughts.

The officer caught her action and asked, "Is everything okay?"

Gwen sighed, shaking her head. "No."

The woman licked her lips. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Yes. "No."

"Okay," the officer relented, though it was clear that if Gwen wasn't going to get the 'you can talk to someone' speech from her, the woman was going to make sure she would get it from her father once he got home.

When she was finally dropped off, she was ready to just sleep for the rest of the day or for eternity, she wasn't picky. But then she remembered that she had to do her nightly rounds, because the weird Vulture guy was up to his weird avian-like habits, and even if no one supported her, she had to do what she had to do.

Peter would have wanted that.

Her lower lip trembled at the thought as she rummaged around for her key, jolting out of her hand when a shout came from the next door over.

"Hey, Gwen!"

Whirling around, she found herself looking over her low fence and bushes to where Ben Parker was standing, watering his own, waving at her with a kind smile. She gave him a small smile and wave of her own, searching for her keys.

"They fell in the bushes," Ben informed her, and she laughed shortly, jumping off her porch to keep digging.

After a moment of silence, the only sound being that of the hose running and the water hitting the plants, Ben spoke, "How are you holding up?"

Gwen laughed bitterly at that, because that was all she could do, picking up her keys and standing up straight, tilting her head back to look him in the eye. "Shouldn't I be asking you?"

"This isn't a competition on who knew him better, Gwen," he said softly, motioning for her to come inside, and all she could do was pocket her keys and follow him, walking to his front lawn and climbing up the steps of his porch into the house she had gone into so many times, more than her own, she would dare to say.

He tapped the wooden table by the kitchen and she sat wordlessly, setting down her backpack and looking around. She hadn't been inside since Peter's death, when she had stumbled in, sobbing and the Parkers could only hold her, the three of them broken and tired of all the condolences, simply wanting to cry.

He set down a mug read 'Winnie-the-Pooh' but had the 'W' crossed out and replaced with a 'G,' the 'H' having faded away a long time ago.

"Ben?" a voice called out from the back of the house, "Ben, is that you?"

"And Gwen," the man called back, and there was a sound of happy surprise, followed by footsteps making their way towards them, revealing May Parker, who looked tired behind her glasses, but as beautiful as always.

"Hi, Gwen," she said softly, and Gwen immediately stood up from her seat to hug her, the woman cooing softly as she held her, "It's good to see you again."

"Sorry for not coming around," she mumbled, because she couldn't stop apologizing to them. Her headstone would probably read: 'Sorry to the Parkers, forever and always.'

"Gwen," May said, titling her chin up to look at her, "What did we say about the sorry's?"

The girl sighed, but complied, "Don't bother if you didn't do anything." But she had done something. Many somethings. She had ruined their lives.

"Would you want Spider-Gwen apologizing?" she asked, because she couldn't stop herself, and she watched the two of them pause and look at her in startled confusion.

"Of course not," Ben said, shrugging as he easily recovered, May nodding in agreement, though more shook up than he was, "It wasn't her fault either."

"That's not what everyone else thinks," she said flatly, and May hummed, making her way to the sitting room, patting the spot next to her.

Gwen glanced over to Ben who was making her hot chocolate and he nodded, motioning that he would follow. So she walked over to May who pulled out a scrapbook that, she realized, was full of clippings and photos of the Spider-Woman. Of her.

"Sometimes, it doesn't matter what's in someone's heart, Gwen," May said softly, letting the girl flip through pages and pages of cut outs and clippings, her heart aching and wrenching, eyes welling with tears she hadn't thought were still there, "Not when they can't escape what's inside of their heads."

She took the scrapbook from her, closing it before the girl could finish, reaching out before stopping herself; that wasn't for her to ask for. A new scrapbook was placed in her lap, pictures of Peter, pictures of him when he was a baby, when he moved in, of him and Gwen playing along the street. First days of school, events, science fairs.

"He just wasn't well, Gwen. He hadn't been for a long time."

Gwen looked up at her then, pausing too long at a picture of the boy smiling at the camera, her heart aching. "What do you mean?"

May looked down at the picture, looking like she wanted to reach out and touch it before remembering herself, shaking her head. "It wasn't just that he was obsessed, Gwen, but he was. He loved Spider-Woman. Idolized her. He wanted so much to be like her that he forgot who he was. What he was. He hid himself away, he obsessed, he let it all fester up inside. He was a good boy. With a good heart. But his brain wasn't fair."

"He didn't deserve what happened," Ben said, setting the mug on a coaster on the table where the scrapbooks sat underneath, "But it wasn't Spider-Woman's fault. Or anyone's. It's not ours, even if it took a while to believe that."

"You got over it a lot faster than most do," Gwen said lightly, thinking back to when her mother died and the years of torment her father had put himself through.

"We're not over it, Gwen," May said, squeezing her knee, "And neither are you. We're just trying to live. It's not easy, and we're not sure we're doing it right, but what's the point in lying in bed and thinking of what you could have done? Sure, you do it, but you keep on living."

"But it's so hard," Gwen said, now through gritted teeth, refusing to cry in front of them, her hands in her lap, nails digging into her skin.

"No one said it was easy," May said, reaching out and adjusting Gwen's blonde headband, tucking back her hair, "But you can do it, Gwen. But don't go through it alone."

Then she was enveloped by a hug by the two people who wished nothing more than to hug their nephew one last time, consoling a girl they had inadvertently forgiven, enveloping her in a kindness she didn't believe she deserved, holding her as she sobbed until her body couldn't take it anymore and the scrapbook fell from her lap, falling open to a picture of Peter Parker looking up at her with the brightest smile that she would never see again.

Gwen Stacy missed Peter Parker.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

( 5.31.18 )

I cried writing this chapter, let me just say.

I'm sorry for the lack of much explanation, and I'm assuming most haven't read the comics, but I think from this you can kind of get the gist that Peter died (you'll see what happened later on in the story) and this is set two months after, so it's still really raw for Gwen and for the Parkers, and you saw her two friends that she's in a band with, Glory Grant and Em Jay Watson (yes. yes, Em Jay) So I hope it was an alright start.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!