The title's unrelated I just figured I should take the opportunity lol

Okay so this is,, a pretty crazy ramble, I want to say a lot of things I haven't known how to express and it'll probably get long so I'm prefacing it with these pictures of Shadow I took earlier

We went on an expedition to the outdoors while I got my picture for today's inktober, knowing me and my love for this boy I'll probably elaborate at some point but let's just say he really loves going on them

Okay! The ramble! God where to start,, these are some really pent up thoughts

Well,, alright first of all let's talk about the role I'm working on establishing for myself, which is the healer, protector, comforter type, stuff along those lines

And I know wow someone like that on here? It's almost like tumblr2 is filled with soft gals uwu who just want to give all the snuggles and take away your struggles but this is the way I want to live my life

Cause see, lately I've realized that the thing that makes me most happy,, is making others happy. Depending on how you look at it, it's one of the few unselfish things about me. Of course, that's a natural human instinct and not distinct to me at all but I'm working towards it because,, well here's part of the selfish thing, I get so so happy when I can help someone!

I think this has always been my calling, y'know? Even if I'm not great at it [I'll get to that in a minute] helping people is my greatest aspiration, when I give someone advice or comfort or even just a hug or a listening ear and they tell me it helped? I'm walking on air. It's my cloud nine and I love for it

And here's the other selfish part, people have to be sad in order for me to make them happy! Big shocker I know, I'm not trying to pretend this is deep, but it does kinda tear me up inside,, but at the same time as long as my friends are happy I try to be, it just gives me an automatic boost in fake smiles once I've helped them get to that level or maintain it

So here's where the problems start, and the first I'll talk about has to do with that selfishness that keeps rearing its ugly head. Dw, this is something I'm working on!

I'm a naturally selfish person. No one admits it but I was a bossyass spoiled diva as a kid and that didn't even begin to wane until the local bitches of rich city taught me a lesson, I threw away half my brattiness and internalized the rest

So now I'm still selfish, but I kinda had a bit of an epiphany in July and lately,, I've been making changes to my lifestyle

Here's my rules! I've been implementing them all school year and I hope to long into the future!

- the only people I can talk to about long, personal, stupid stories that happened to happen to me are some family members, usually parents with the exception of sibs if the situation allows, and the internet, only in post form in my status book, not in my art book and especially not to anyone directly

- always make sure to talk about myself as little as possible, in fact, eliminate first person pronouns in my sentences whenever I can! Don't say how I've done something similar, complement the person speaking or offer sympathy, depending on what they're describing

- speaking of which, always prioritize complements, obviously earnest ones but that's not hard because the people of the world are filled with good traits that get noticed really quickly

- I can talk about personal stories but only if the conversation has led to that point naturally, it adds to whatever the other person was saying, it isn't long, or beforehand I ask 'can I be a narcissist for a second', preferably all or at least some combination

- of course, I'm very imperfect and sometimes find myself starting a story fragment about myself but I've been getting a little better at catching myself fairly quickly

Honestly?? It makes me really happy that I'm getting better at this, however slowly, because that means my presence is more tolerable to those around me and that's always my goal!

Now for the other part, which is,, well, time to mention my lack of friends until last year again

If this sounds pathetic that's because it is but since I had no one but Ryker for some years and next to no one but him the ones before that, I never really,, learned how to act around friends, at school the years tacked on since I had even gone to a friend's house that wasn't him and throughout that time I missed out on some important Pubescent DevelopmentTM

The missing social skill that's connected to this? I've got no damn idea how to help people!

I'm working entirely off instinct and what little psychological learning experience I've had, neither of which seem that reliable but either people are nice enough to put aside their problems for a moment to reassure me that 'yes Pearl you're totally actually helping' or I actually,,,, am helping them, which I hope so much oml –

Of course, there's certain things I can count on, I don't want to complement myself but I'm a really dedicated listener, you can tell me absolutely anything, I also try to be general support along the way, even if that means a really long hug

Speaking of which! Small section on that here, time to sound even more like a tumblrina but,, okay it might just be because I'm 15 and a nerd and I have access to the internet but I really adore physical contact

Admittedly I don't like it with my family, I'm guessing cause it feels so awkward but it is with friends as well yet I enjoy it to pieces with them?? Just feeling someone else's warm presence in my arms makes my heart melt, I love hugs and the idea of kisses, even just light cheek or forehead ones, sounds so beautiful

On that physical contact note! It's time for the first anecdote, which also made me finally decide to make this

I don't want to go into specifics because even under anonymity this is Diadem's life and I'm not here to show it off to the internet but today at lunch Diadem wasn't showing up, then someone mentioned that their friend had seen her crying near the stairs and Empress, Queenie and I called her and went and found her

It turned out it was a grade thing, something went wrong with a project and majorly messed up the grade and she got overwhelmed to the point that she thought she'd never be able to make it up, she started crying again

We sat there with her, I actually hugged her really soon after we got there and stayed there with an arm around her, to try and provide support

The whole time I did what I'd call good examples of Full Comfort Pearl Momma mode, I let her say whatever she wanted to, I replied with all the confidence I could muster in my best motivational voice, I reassured her that she was allowed to feel this way and was completely justified but also that she was going to be alright and we would all help her and she's already super hardworking and this isn't the end of the world and she just needed to take it one piece at a time

And afterward,, she said I was really helpful?? And thanked all of us of course, and Queenie and Empress told me I was the most helpful which I really want to believe

So that's an example of when things go right, right?

How about when things go wrong

See, the problem with lacking instinct in solving others problems is that even though I want to take on the burdens of everyone I care about, even if I actually had the stamina to help everyone [I'm a very weak person] I still wouldn't actually be able to fix them all and I feel as if by not letting every single other more competent person step in I'm just bringing down others and myself, not that the last part matters

It's funny how selfish I am even when I dedicate myself to unselfishness

Now we're going to talk about thoughts and feelings and emotions because I'm sure you know by now that I have a million of those

Problem is, not only am I oblivious to others, I'm very unsubtle, if I'm feeling a certain way it almost always worms it's way into my face, I hate it but I can't fix it rn so I've got a pin in it for the time being

My emotions also always want to come spilling out and vomiting themselves into others through venting and complaining, but lately,, I've made a big improvement! Verbally, I've been able to bottle them up!! This is such a huge achievement for me

It's always weird, y'know? I tell people they shouldn't bottle up their emotions because they shouldn't, but I feel like a hypocrite because I'm a strong exception, I need to bottle my emotions or it'll ruin everyone, I'm not special I'm not trying to say I am I just deserve the worst is all

I don't have a good segway here so let's just go

This part's about,, r o m a n c e

Not for me, which is actually the main point here [although most of that will be covered in another rant,, can't give details but to sum it up aaaa aa AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA  AA] but for other people

It's funny, really. I'm the only one in my immediate friend group not having some sort of romance thing going on here, again I don't want to describe my friends' lives in detail that's weird but Ginjah and Best Bi went from friends to dating, Diadem's always after someone, Agate finally moved on from her toxic crush thank god and is interested in a freshman, Fiest is having relationship drama, Queenie has a crush, Empress is being crushed on by someone she's not interested in, several people on here have relationships or relationship problems or crushes and I'm,

Just here

Again, not getting into specifics of why I could be included a little bit but whatever it is it's not enough or the right kind of inclusion for me to actually understand relationships, which is a problem because what do 15 years olds do? Well most of them aren't losers like me and they get into relationship drama

Struggles I have no idea how to help with because I just don't know how to relate or what's healthy or what, this isn't the only topic where I feel scared to help because on the chance they follow my advice, it could hurt them, but it's one of the worst ones

I try to help and sympathize and give advice but it just, doesn't, work

Here's another nonsegway

I may have worked towards talking less about myself, but deep down I'm still a brat, I still always want to, I have to constantly restrain myself and it's,, tiring? I wish I could train myself to be less of a hitch

Some days by the end I feel,, so emotional I'm numb, it's so strange and unsettling and uncomfy, I'm already stressed all the time lol but then all day I either wear myself out offering all the help I can or get weighed down by guilt when someone's going through hardships and no matter what I do I can't help them, and of course I'm still holding back my personal story instinct, so I'm honestly just a mess, a real pathetic mess, it's so dumb how I'm this dumb how little it takes to get me here I should be able to handle this damnit

Smol anecdote, today on the bus everything felt dizzy and hurting, I worried I hadn't really helped Diadem and I kept replaying in my head how much I had talked about myself to Queenie in art without thinking and my throat and eyes hurt

I wasn't even able to act enthusiastic with Ryker, if you're reading this man I'm so sorry I'm such a bitch, I really was interested in what you had to say I meant all my reassurances I bet Joji's new album is the absolute shit my voice just wouldn't mold to match

Then when I finally escaped all the people walking back from my bus I cried and cried and cried, thankfully I managed to clean up before I got home [one good thing about being an absolute fucking crybaby, you can get your face back in shape in two seconds] but god I'm such so weak

At the end of the day? I still have that deep down wish about being hugged and told that everything'll be okay and that I really do help everyone and being able to actually believe it, but I just,, don't know anymore and I needed to say it somewhere

If you stayed this long and read through it all, you are a saint and I can't thank you enough, it's so great of you to get this far,,

Alright well it's late now

Hopefully I covered everything

,,<3