***

Dan is significantly happy now.

Everything is going great. Summer holidays is approaching and Dan has been doing quite well at school, not that he's studied too much, the need to procrastinate is too strong.

"Only three more weeks Dan!" Phil says, slinging an arm around his friend and grinning at him, "I can't wait for summer!"

Dan smiles at Phil, who looks so happy and excited at the thought of summer holidays approaching it reminds him of a puppy - cute and adorable. Dan feels so close to Phil, he knows Phil will always be there for him - he just feels at home with Phil.

"Ready for a video game beating now?" Phil asks, raising his eyebrows at Dan, smirking, "I am going to beat you at Halo 3 this afternoon, finally."

Dan laughs silently, shaking his head and grinning, smirking back at Phil as if to say, 'never'. Dan is a master at Halo 3, and video games in general. You don't need a voice to be good, and Dan had a lot of free time, so it's not hard to guess how he's so good.

"Don't give me that face," Phil says, shaking his head, "you underestimate me Howell, I shall beat you one day. I've been practicing! The underdog shall become victorious. Amazing Phil shall become the Halo victor this afternoon!"

Dan grins at his friend, who has jumped up on the ledge of a low wall, his chest puffed out and his hands on his hips, grinning stupidly back down at Dan. Phil looks so happy and cute. Dan loves how Phil hasn't lost the ability to still be a kid - in a good way - he doesn't care what people think. He's silly, carefree, funny, kind, everything people grow out of because of other people's judgement.

"What are you smiling at?" Phil asks, looking down at Dan and making him blush slightly, jumping back off the wall, landing next to Dan, "well, lets keep going, I have lots of kicking your but at games to do."

Phil grabs Dan's arm and tugs him happily along the street, enthusiastic to get home and just be with Dan. When they arrive at Dan's house, they get a packet of chips to share, taking it upstairs to where Dan has all his gaming consoles set up.

"Ready?" Phil asks, his mouth full of chips, picking up his designated Xbox controller, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Dan shakes his head as he picks up his own controller, siting back on the lounge and stuffing a handful of chips in his own mouth as the game loads. Dan quickly wipes his hand on his shirt, getting rid of the salt and oil on his fingers and grabs the controller, ready to play.

"Take that!" Phil yells as he shoots wildly at Dan, who ducks behind a pole and slowly edges towards Phil from another angle, before taking aim and firing, "no! what the hell? How'd you do that?!"

Dan grins as he wins his fifth round in a row. Phil frowns, pouting at Dan.

"Why can't you let me win a few rounds so it can be a close match for once?" Phil asks, shaking his head and laughing, "I'm never going to win! Dan, why do you have to be so good? I swear I shot you that time!"

Dan grins cheekily at Phil, making Phil roll his eyes.

"Stop giving me that face, you won't be superior for long," Phil says, staring back at the screen, "I was just warming up, now get ready to face my wrath!"

Dan ends up winning, as predicted. He let Phil win a couple of rounds, which boosted his confidence a little too much, so Dan pulverized him until he'd won by a mile, making Phil cross his arms and pout at Dan.

"Next time, I'm picking the game," Phil says, sitting back on the couch as Dan turns the Xbox off, "that's the last time I'm playing Halo with you."

Dan grins, flopping down on the couch beside Phil, switching the TV to a random show. They're sitting so close that their elbows are brushing against each other's, Phil's skin is soft as well, not that Dan notices. His eyes drift to Phil's face, which is focused on the show. His eyes are so alive, the colours seeming even brighter, his lips look soft, the left corner pulled into a little smirk, Dan looks away, his cheeks heating up. Why is he noticing all that about Phil now? Does he like Phil as more than a friend? Dan didn't think he was gay, he's never liked a guy before, but he didn't even know if he liked Phil.

"What are you thinking about Danny boy?" Phil asks, raising his eyebrows at Dan, who blushes when he meets Phil's gaze.

These are the times when Dan actually is glad he doesn't have a voice. There is no way he can let slip to Phil what he was thinking about. It can stay forever locked in his brain.

"Um, Dan, are you okay?" Phil asks, moving closer to Dan, which really doesn't help Dan in this situation.

Dan looks down, not wanting to meet Phil's gaze. What's wrong with him? Why are all these thoughts making themselves apparent now? What does he think of Phil? Dan feels confused now, the thoughts are all racing so quickly through his mind.

"Dan..." Phil says softly, his hand suddenly appearing on Dan's cheek and forcing him to look into Phil's oceanic eyes, "I-"

Phil's face is so close to Dan's own. Their lips are only centimeters apart, and Dan's heart is racing so much he cannot think of anything else. His thoughts are too fast, everything is yelling, it's too loud, his mind...

Fag!

Useless!

Disgusting!

Stupid!

Worthless!

A voice inside Dan's head is screaming, and the voice sounds suspiciously like his father. 'He's gone, he's not here', Dan tries to tell himself.

Suddenly, Phil's lips are on his, and Dan feels his heart start to race even more, but other than that, his body is frozen.

'Fag! Fucking useless! You fucking cunt!' Dan's father's voice yells inside his head, making Dan visibly shake.

Phil pulls away, noticing that Dan is as stiff as a board and shaking slightly. Phil bites his lip, looking down guiltily.

"I'm so sorry Dan, I don't know, I just-" Phil stammers, stepping away from Dan, "I-I'd better go..."

Phil turns and races out of the room, leaving Dan alone on the couch before he can protest in any way. Dan frowns, slumping back on the couch and rubbing his eyes. Why had he become frozen when Phil was so close to him? Why did he hear his father? Why did he react that way?

Dan sighs, placing his head in his hands. His thoughts are still racing but his heart is starting to slow down to a regular speed. He cannot focus on anything, his breathing is jagged. He closes his eyes and the only thing he sees is Phil's blue ones staring back at him. He thinks of Phil's smile, Phil's laugh, Phil's jokes, Phil...

And slowly, his mind calms itself down, his breathing becomes normal, and Dan realises his mistake of letting Phil go.

***

The next day, Phil avoids Dan.

Every time Dan goes near him, Phil blushes and walks away. It's killing Dan, Phil obviously pushing him away. At lunch, Dan finally corners Phil alone, dragging him behind their english classroom. Dan looks at Phil with a hurt and confused expression, hoping Phil will know what Dan wants him to say.

Dan came to a realization that he does like Phil. Something about Phil makes Dan feel at home, and Dan has never felt that with anyone else. Phil has only been in Dan's life a short while, but Dan knows that he needs Phil. Phil has become his best friend, his rock, his comfort, his home.

"Dan, I'm sorry about the kiss, okay? I didn't mean it! It was a mistake! I wasn't thinking!" Phil says quickly, his eyes draining of any emotion, "I-I don't like you in that way, I was just not thinking. I won't ever like you like that! And I don't think we can be friends anymore either."

Dan frowns at Phil, feeling tears prick his eyes. He steps away from Phil, his hand slipping inside his pocket, where he'd written a note to Phil, telling him how he felt. He takes it out, ripping it to pieces, letting the words from his heart fall down like confetti.

Dan looks up at Phil, tears blurring his vision, and he turns and runs away from Phil, leaving the boy standing behind the classroom. Dan runs all the way to the bathrooms, where he locks himself inside a stall and cries his heart out.

He trusted Phil, but just like everyone else, Dan wasn't enough. He's never enough. He's without a voice, and therefore, he's overlooked. Dan hugs his knees to his chest, his shoulders shaking with sobs.

"Dan? Is it you? It's Caspar," A voice says, knocking softly on the door.

Dan just stays there, wishing he's go away, or wishing he himself could just fade away forever. Dan looks down and finds Caspar wriggling under the door until he's beside Dan. Dan looks at Caspar, who gives Dan a small smile.

"Look, uh, I overheard what Phil said, and it was definitely not nice, I didn't expect that from him," Caspar says, shrugging, "but I want you to know that even if you don't have Phil, you still have all of us."

Dan gives Caspar a small, sad smile. Caspar opens his arms, and Dan falls into them, sobbing into Caspar's right shoulder. He can't stop the knife of betrayal twisting inside his heart, and it hurts so much.

"It's okay Dan," Caspar says, "everything will work out, you'll see."

Dan just wishes he could believe Caspar. Every time Dan becomes somewhat happy, something always shatters him, and Dan is growing tired of trying to put the pieces back together over and over.

Soon, he might just let himself crumble for good.

____________

an// hey hope you enjoyed! Please vote, comment and share if you did!

Thoughts on phan kiss and then Phil being an ass?

Update again soon, hope you all liked the chapter. Thanks so much for all the support! :D

p.s: I ordered TABINOF today and I can't wait for it to come! I want to read it soo bad. IM SO PROUD TO OMFG LIKE I CAN'T EVEN.