I'd come to a decision. I was sick of dancing around the prospect of a relationship with Markus, fretting over whether he had feelings for me. There'd been more than enough signs that he liked me just as much as I liked him, and my fears otherwise were nothing but useless insecurities that, if allowed to fester, would only result in my own dissatisfaction. So, tonight was the night I would finally broach the subject.

At worst, once I confessed my desires, Markus could put an end to everything we had and I'd never see him again. But, not part of me thought that was actually a possibility; it was merely a ridiculous scenario the horrid, self-conscious, anxiety inducing gremlin in me had concocted.

Though I had only had one glass of wine this evening, the alcoholic buzz had imbued me with enough confidence to follow Markus back to his, where we had the flat to ourselves for the night. With Alec out and Bisto already asleep in her bed, the place felt far too quiet, and I held my breath as I undressed for bed.

Only a lamp on his bedside lit the bedroom, and the soft lighting cast Markus in a warm glow as he changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. My heart hammered painfully in my chest as I studied his every movement with too much focus. It only grew worse once I found myself beside him in the bed, his hand stroking a soothing path up and down my waist.

Don't be such a fucking coward, say something, talk to him.

I couldn't wait around, passively hoping that he would initiate the conversation. I had to say something. I would say something.

God, I feel sick. Is this normal? I think I'm having a heart attack. 'Nine-nine-nine, what's your emergency? What's that? Your lack of dating experience has caused you to go into a panic induced cardiac arrest?'

"Hey," Markus murmured, his voice soft as he his mouth brushed the side of my jaw for a fleeting moment. My eyes shot to his, and the concern in his expression was startling. "You okay?"

I nodded, swallowing heavily. "We should talk," I forced myself to say, cringing internally at the sombre tone of my voice. That's not what I wanted to say. This sounds like the beginning of a clichéd break up. Instantly, Markus tensed, and his fingers stilled against my hip.

Slowly, he breathed, "Okay..." He wasn't looking at me anymore, his eyes focussed on something just behind me, as if he were too afraid to meet my gaze.

"I want to talk about what's been happening between us - sleeping with each other, hanging out every week, messaging each other all the time. It's been going on for a while now and it's starting to stress me out. I don't - I can't..." I couldn't find the right words and for a moment I felt like I was about to scream. He's going to think I want to stop seeing him. Why is my mouth so fucking dry? I need to down a pint of water STAT.

"Why?" Markus asked before I could finish my sentence, still just as tense.

"Because I don't want this to be all it is. I don't want a casual relationship. It's stressful, whatever we're doing; it's stressing me out. I like clearly defined relationships. I like knowing where I stand, and how I should act with people. I like knowing what to expect."

"Okay."

"Okay?" I repeated dubiously. What did 'okay' mean?

"Yeah, I'm not interested in anyone else."

"I-What?" Holy shit, holy shit! It's happening!

Markus shrugged, the movement half hearted as he rolled over on the bed, away from me, and pressed his face into his pillow.

"Are you saying you want to date exclusively?" I asked, my voice coloured with excitement. Whatever tiredness I had been feeling had completely evaporated. Markus sighed noisily and said nothing. "Markus?" I pressed, crawling across the bed so that I was on my knees beside him, my heart racing. When he still didn't reply, I jabbed one of his shoulder blades with my index finger. "Markus, what did you mean?"

"Just drop it," he said, voice muffled. "I'm trying to sleep."

A bubble of laughter, too loud for this time of night, escaped from me. "Liar. You can't say something like that and then just tell me to drop it," I huffed, still jabbing at him. He reached behind him, attempting to bat my hand away and failing. I laughed again as I jerked away from him. "Stop ignoring me."

Leaning closer, I tried to wrap my arms around his neck just like he had showed me in training, but there wasn't enough room between him and the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, lifting his upper body just enough that I was able to finally get my arms under him.

"Choke hold." I was straddling his back now, holding his neck in a way that was definitely incorrect. "I won't let you out until you stop being a shit about this."

Markus laughed and within a second he had twisted his body with ease, forcing me to break my hold on him, until he was lying on his back while I straddled his stomach. "Your rear naked choke is pathetic."

"Yeah, my trainer is a real hack," I teased, planting my hands on either side of his head on the pillow, leaning into him. My hair fanned out, hanging down to tickle his face. "Now tell me what you meant."

"Does it matter?" he huffed, blowing on the pastel pink strands of hair, only for them to fall back to exactly where they had been before.

"Of course it does! Are you embarrassed or something?" Even in the semi-darkness, I could see his cheeks flushing.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow, when you're not as sleep deprived and prone to making rash decisions."

"I don't make rash decisions when I'm tired. All my decisions are well thought out and I never regret any of them."

"Daisy," Markus mused, reaching up to tug on some of my hair, "As much as I love the pink hair, you can't tell me it wasn't a rash decision you and Alec concocted while half awake and in one of those crazy fucking moods you both seem to have when alone together."

"Okay, fine... Yes, I did come up with the idea when I was tired. But Alec was perfectly awake when he agreed to it. It wasn't something we decided in the heat of the moment. It was a premeditated hair dyeing. And I don't regret it at all."

"Uhuh."

My eyes narrowed, and I had to fight off the grin forcing its way onto my face. "Don't just say uhuh, I'm right and you know it."

His hands settled and on my waist a second before Markus rolled us so that we were once again side-by-side in the bed. The blankets had become so twisted from all our turning that I had the violent urge to thrash my legs against their restraint. I hated the feeling of anything clinging to me while I slept, hence why I so frequently slept in the nude. The fact that Markus was able to sleep with any clothes on was insane to me.

"Daisy, go to sleep. I promise we'll talk about it tomorrow."

"I'm not even that tired anymore," I said, kicking my feet out as I grabbed and tugged at the sheets. "That nap earlier today really helped."

When I finally settled and met his gaze once again, he seemed amused. "You've yawned five times since we got in bed."

"It wasn't five, three, maybe, definitely no more than four."

"Right."

I reach out across the mattress to pinch Markus on his arm. He quickly smothered my hand in his and closed the distance between us so that my face pressed to his chest. There was no way I was going to fall asleep like this. I hated touching people when I went to sleep. I needed absolutely no physical contact at all.

"I hate it when you say that." My voice was muffled against his chest, and another yawn stretched my words out.

"Right."

"Dick-head."

Markus laughed quietly, his body shaking beneath me. "Seriously, Dais. Go to sleep."

Perhaps I should have listened to him; especially as my eyes lulled close and my body felt so heavy it would have been impossible for me to move away from his arms. All I had to do was shut up and allow myself to drift off.

But I was a little shit who hated being told what to do and often looked for was to sabotage myself. I knew it wasn't the right time to talk to him about Jarred, and yet...

"The money isn't for me," I murmured quietly, mouth pressed against his t-shirt. For a second I thought that he hadn't heard me, or that he had already fallen asleep, but Markus' arm tightened around me.

"Who's it for?"

"It's... it's for..." I was fighting against my exhaustion now and struggling to form a coherent because of it. "You know Jarred, from the gym that time?"

Markus hummed, the noise vibrating through his chest. Presuming that was all the response I was going to get out of him, I continued, fighting against another yawn. "He's trying to leave Wraith. He needs money, a lot of money-" another yawn forced its way out of my mouth.

"Are the two of you close?" He asked flatly. Had I imagined the bite to his words? "I didn't think you knew him personally."

"We used to be. Before Wraith."

Jarred had been the one to get himself involved with that drug-dealing, violent, psychopath - that wasn't something I could blame on Wraith. But it was certainly Wraith's fault that Jarred had been trapped with them after trying so hard to leave for the past two years.

"That's why I've been working so much," I explained. "For him."

"You don't need to do that." He didn't understand - of course he didn't, because I had barely told him anything.

"I do, I want to. After - after what happened between Wraith and I, Jarred confronted him. It's because of that, because he was defending me, that he's stuck there with those shits. I can't just do nothing." He's family. I can't sit by and do nothing when Wraith is beating him black and blue whenever he damn well feels like it.

Markus sighed. "Okay, something else to talk about tomorrow. It's too late to get into this now."

Was it just me, or did he sound annoyed with me?

I hummed, my voice shaking as I joked. "I'll be sure to pencil you in my diary."

Markus was still beside me, his chest rising and falling in deep, even breaths. I tried to be as silent as possible as my mouth began to wobble and tears stung at the corners of my eyes. Not now, not now, not now! You stupid idiot, why are you even crying?

"Markus?" I whispered, his name a weak cry on my lips, hoping he had not yet fallen asleep. There was a beat of silence before I heard his voice, and relief rushed out of me in a soft exhale.

""Yeah?" he whispered. His mouth brushed against the top of my head and I buried myself further into his hold, my face pressed painfully against his chest. I wasn't sure if he knew I was crying, if he could tell from my voice, so I kept my face hidden.

"I lied earlier," I whispered into his shirt. "I am tired. I'm really fucking tired all the time, actually. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep for, like, a really long time, so that I don't have to deal with any of this anymore. I feel like I'm falling behind in everything and I'm really scared I'm not going to finish my uni work on time."

I groaned deeply, my arms wrapping around Markus' waist and gripping tightly as if he were my anchor, the only thing grounding me in reality. I'd been all over the place this last month and I couldn't go through that again. "I've been really, really stupid, haven't I?"

My shoulders shook as I cried. There was no way of hiding my tears anymore.

"You've not been stupid," Markus assured, a comforting hand rubbing my back. "You've just focussed on other people too much. You need to be more selfish. Focus on yourself. Or at least let other people help you."

"Sorry, I'm being such a mess," I grumbled, leaning back so I could wipe away my tears with the palm of my hand. "I don't even know why I'm crying."

"Hey." Markus cupped my jaw and lifted my head up so that I met his eyes. His thumb brushed against my cheek. God, I must look like absolute shit. He pressed a soft kiss against my forehead, and I nearly whimpered at the small form of affection. "You're allowed to cry. You're exhausted and overwhelmed. Go easy on yourself."

He kissed me again, another soft kiss against the warm, damp fat of my cheeks, and one of his hands continued to soothe up and down my back as my tears finally waned. I couldn't remember the last time I had been so comforted while feeling so vulnerable.

I think I'm a little in love with this man.

[next chapter is already up on Inkitt! Trying to get my shit together and finally finish this bloody story!]