My tongue and cheeks burned as I swished Jackson's mouthwash in my mouth over the sink... My hair was drenched in water after taking a long, half-hour shower and my clothes were also wet as I let the water from my hair drip down my shoulders.

There was a huge difference in how I felt now compared to an hour ago... Hallucinations no longer crept up on me, my stomach and headache has only gotten worse, but I began to become more aware of what was happening. What I had done...

I rested my hands on the sink top and spit the mouthwash out, watching for a moment as the liquids disappeared through the drain.

As I moved my eyes up to the mirror, I noticed that I could see my reflection as clear as day, even through the thin layer of steam from my hot shower. What I saw in the mirror was the Nicole I recognized, the one that told my emotionally traumatized half to trust and be patient with Jaden. That the people I've known for so long would never be capable of suddenly stabbing me in the back the way my "parents" did.

But I ignored her.

Look at her... That glare said a thousand words but repeated "I told you so" over and over. Now here she is, suffering from the aftermath of my choices. Her eyes are red, she's angry at herself, she's experiencing guilt. Emotional Nicole had made her into a monster. Emotional Nicole had destroyed a friendship. Emotional Nicole needs to be eliminated. I hated her.

"You selfish, ignorant brat..." I told my reflection.

Jackson probably hates me now. I hate me right now... I accused him of doing things I knew he would never even dream of doing. I belittled him and showed him that I couldn't trust him when that wasn't true. I tried to make him feel like he was capable of betraying me just so I could have some kind of closure when, in reality, I just didn't want to admit that I couldn't understand any of my feelings.

I reached out to my reflection and dragged my finger over my face, writing the word "MONSTER" over it in all caps.

That's exactly who you are... Who I am...

My heart ached at the sight of it but I refused to shed any tears. I've done enough of that, I needed to relax, ease my mind.

I headed out of the bathroom, slowly making my way to the bedroom, my bare feet trailing wet footprints behind me as I did.

I stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to look at the closed door further down the way.

Jackson's room...

I took a deep breath and made a detour to head over there instead. He's told me that he didn't want to see my face for the rest of the night but I needed to talk to him. I needed to clear this up, fix what I've destroyed.

I approached his door, gently placing the palm of my hand on its surface, sensing his presence on the other side.

God, Jackson, I'm so sorry...

I let out a soft, shaky sigh before I gently opened the door, almost immediately spotting him sitting in his bed, wide awake with the lights off and his back turned to me. His outfit remained the same, only, he replaced that button up, yellow shirt with a plain, white tank.

I watched in silence as he drank from a glass cup and set it down on his nightstand before slowly turning to look over his shoulder at me. His face was completely shadowed by darkness but I could sense our fierce eye contact, even through the midnight shade.

I took a half step back, getting the feeling that he didn't want me here but, to my surprise, he gestured me to come over.

I could feel myself shiver a bit as I obeyed. It wasn't clear what he wanted to say or do to me but I knew that, whatever he wanted, I'd give it to him, knowing that I deserved to be put in my place. I deserved punishment.

Jackson wouldn't hesitate to hand out harsh punishments to his clients whenever we did what he considered to be unacceptable during trainings. They were usually extreme workouts or exhausting, repetitive drills but, this time, I had angered him... I've never done that to him before and I don't know how he'll want to handle this. Especially now that I realized that his temper is much shorter and could terrifyingly escalate much more quickly when he has alcohol in his system.

He stood up when I made it to his bedside and he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, making me sit on the edge of his bed.

I obediently sat still. No resisting, no questions asked... I watched as he grabbed a second cup that was sitting next to his empty one. It was filled with the same orangy-brown liquid and it smelled both tangy and sweet. I recognized the smell but couldn't remember where I had smelled it from. It's not important at the moment, I didn't need to know because Jackson was in charge now, I'm allowing him to do whatever he wants with me...

He placed his hand on my chin and tilted it upwards to make me look up at him. Though his touch was delicate, it was also like electrocution, almost making me wince. Instead, I tried not to give him a taste of my emotions as I kept my eyes on him.

"Open up." He almost whispered.

I swallowed up some strength, letting out a soft breath through my nostrils before I did as he said. He then poured the drink into my mouth. As it smoothly traveled down, I took notice of how warm and light the substance was, the consistency was almost like water but the taste was as strong as pepper and as bitter as grapefruits.

I shut my eyes tight to swallow it down, trying to ignore the intense flavor that punched in before I opened up for him to pour the rest of it in.

He finally let go of my chin and I moved my eyes away from him as he watched me. After a short moment, I shuddered, feeling like every one of my organs was hit with something minty before they began to warm up again, causing small goosebumps to rise in my arms.

"How does that feel?" He asked.

"Cold," I answered quickly.

"Lightheaded?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No."

He nodded affirmatively, "Good..." He looked down at my body then reached out to look at my jacket sleeve. He was eyeing a dried vomit stain there.

I watched him silently as he headed to his closet and pulled out an old baseball sweater, telling me, "Change into this and leave the jacket on the floor."

He tossed me his sweater and I caught it easily, watching as he made his way out of the room, closing the door gently behind him and leaving me in complete silence.

I could only stand there, watching his shadow through the narrow space under his door travel away from the room.

I let out a deep breath. I wasn't sure anymore if he was still upset with me. I wasn't sure at all what he was feeling, what was going through his mind. I didn't even know what he just did to me moments ago. I had no clue if he had poisoned me or if he was just trying to intimidate me. I just didn't know...

I went ahead and removed my jacket, letting it slide down my arms and fall onto the ground before slowly turning to look back at the door, still no sign of Jackson's presence. I sighed and picked up the sweater, gazing at it. It still smelled like Jackson and I knew this one is special to him because it was custom made with his last name, Rivera, printed across the back of it.

Does he really want an asshole like me wearing something this personal to him...?

I shook my head as I pulled my arms through it then pulled it over my head and let it fall down my body, nearly reaching my knees. It was pretty soft, comfy even. Only, I didn't feel that I should even be wearing this, not after the way I disrespected him earlier... I Looked over at the closed door, seeing his shadow return again. He was waiting for me now.

Soon, I headed out of the room, instantly spotting Jackson standing right beside the door, arms crossed. I stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to say something. He did the same, gazing back at me. He then moved a hand out to me as if asking me to take it and I did, gently placing my hand in his.

A brief and barely noticeable smirk appeared on his lips before he began to lead me out with him. I silently followed, keeping my gaze down at his feet as mine walked in rhythm with his, my mind already putting together and rehearsing ways I wanted to apologize to him.

None of them being even remotely good enough for forgiveness...

We went out the back door where I noticed a few large trees scattered around the large backyard, two of them holding up a wide hammock that gently rocked in the wind and a few yards behind that sat a pretty large-sized tool shed and an old pick-up truck that was missing a wheel parked nearby. It was clear that he had been working on it before and it was a project yet to be finished someday. There wasn't much to see after that but a few outdoor chairs, large sporting equipment, and more homes on the other side of his fence.

He led us in front of the hammock, keeping my hand in his as he gently pulled me in front of him. I looked back at the hammock, not knowing what he was wanting from me.

"Go on... Sit." He said.

I hesitated a bit but soon did what I was told.

"Easy..." He whispered as the hammock wobbled a bit while I was getting on. After I settled in, he then gave me a small smile, "Now scootch over a bit."

I looked at him, almost demanding him to tell me what was it that he wanted. Instead, I stayed silent, moving over for him to sit.

When he did, that's when I finally asked him, "What do you want from me...? An apology? If that's the case then I'm sorry, Jackson..." I apologized. "I'm sorry that I acted like an asshole, I'm sorry that I tried to accuse you of deceiving me, I'm sorry that I've diminished the respect you had for me... I'm sorry."

He looked at me for a moment. A moment long enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't blame him if he never forgave me after tonight but I at least wanted him to say something to me.

He rubbed his hands together for a silent moment before he finally said, "I'm not mad at you, Nick..." He then looked at me but I kept my eyes away, finding that more than hard to believe.

Soon, I felt his arm go around my shoulders and noticed when he pointed up at the sky. I followed to where his finger was pointed to and kept my gaze there as he asked, "See those stars?" I nodded to his question then he lowered his voice a bit and said, "After that night you invited me and a few of the members to your home, I couldn't help but to pay more attention to them. You see, each one twinkles at their own pace but each one is as innocent and as gentle as the next. At least, that's how they seem..." I looked over at him as he kept his eyes gazing at the twinkling lights in the sky. "As you get closer to them though, they reveal their true colors. You see all the rage they contain, the fire that makes up who they are... You see how violent they really are." He moved his eyes to meet mine as he added, "Just like people..."

"People?" I asked in a whisper and he nodded.

"You don't know who someone is until you get close enough... You, yourself is like a special kind of star. You like to show how tough you are but on the inside, you're extremely fragile... Almost innocent. You may be able to put up a fight physically, but it's different for you mentally." He said which caused me to turn my eyes towards the grass as I really took those words in.

He already had me figured out... Somewhere deep in my soul is a girl who is afraid to be hurt again. Something that's been broken and never could be fixed because trauma crumbled her walls to sand. I've buried my feelings with a few layers of thicker skin but even that couldn't keep some of my strongest emotions contained.

He soon told me, "I never intended to catch you by surprise when I told you about my concerns regarding your partner. All I wanted was for you to understand where I was coming from. What I was seeing. None of what I said was an attempt to win you over or make you hate him or any of that-"

"And I completely understand that..." I interrupted with a sigh. "You only meant well but I overreacted. And before you say anything about it, I know that I'm... A little problematic in the head. The things I've said to you earlier, don't take any of that seriously. It was only out of anger... And confusion." I shook my head to myself, disappointed in how I had behaved with him. He never deserved to be treated that way. "I do respect you and I do take you seriously."

He barely nodded before he looked at me, his eyes studying my expression before he told me, "I'm sure of that and I wouldn't call you problematic..." He moved his eyes to his hands, rubbing his palms together and lowering his voice to add, "I also wouldn't blame you for what happened earlier either."

"Really...?" I asked, both relieved and surprised to hear that response.

He kept his eyes on his hands as he said, "Really... I know you barely had any control back there. I saw it in your eyes." He turned to look at me now, "Whatever drug was put into your drink, it was strong and it was working fast. It made your skin extremely pale and your pupils the size of a grain of sand... Never saw anything like it."

"So... You forgive me," I asked softly.

He nodded, "I do... But I'm more concerned about your health and you should be too." He said. "I'd like to take you to the E.R to get you checked but I can't even drive after drinking so much at the bar. Everything's still a bit fuzzy for me."

"We'll go in the morning," I suggested. "I'll be fine until then... Besides, I feel a lot better now than before. Honest."

"Sounds like a plan." Was all he uttered as he raked his fingers through his hair.

No words were exchanged after that... We just sat there, silently. Almost awkwardly. My mind, however, was anything but silent. Even after apologizing, something still felt incomplete. I felt like more needed to be said but I didn't know what else to say. I could only sit in silence.

I turned my head slightly in his direction, staring at him as he sat still, slumped over with his elbows resting on his knees and his eyes gazing down at the grass. Clearly, his mind was running wild with thoughts as well.

"If you still have anything you want to get off of your chest, now's the time to do it." I suddenly told him. "Tell me everything... I'll listen and I'll hear you."

All I want is for all this to be over on good terms.

He bit his lip and kept his eyes on the ground for a moment as he thought to himself. He then sighed and sat up straight, saying, "There isn't anything else for me to say." He turned his eyes to me and added, "You care about your partner a lot more than anyone who was previously assigned to you in the past and there is definitely nothing wrong with that but I've already told you what to look out for. It's up to you to make the call on where you want to take your relationship with him. Whether you keep it professional or risk-taking it further than that in order to see where his head is but, you do have options... And there are people in the agency that do care for you deeply."

I chuckled softly, "Believe me, people in this agency could care less about me."

And I'm completely fine with that.

"Well, I know one who does." He smiled. "And you're looking at him." I watched as he stood up now and added, "It's getting late. We should go get some rest."

I kept my eyes on him as I began to absorb his words.

It was no secret that he truly does care the way he says he does but, in spite of that, something inside of me just could not give up on Jaden even if my mind screamed at me to. I couldn't even remember why I was so drawn to him in the first place. What had he ever done for me that's made me want to be with him so badly? Why was I so driven to understand someone who only cares about himself? Was he even worth the effort?

"Come on." Jackson smiled with a wave of a hand for me to follow, "You'll recover faster with a healthy night of sleep."

I rejected by saying, "No, I... I think I'll stay out here a little longer."

I needed to be alone for a while.

He simply nodded, his smile fading as he took notice of the look on my face, "Got it..."

I forced a small smile for him to keep him from being too concerned about me, "Goodnight, Jackson."

"Night." He nodded, placing his hands in his pockets before heading for the door.

I watched as he entered his home, briefly taking another look back at me before closing the door shut and turning to leave me all by myself.

Alone with my most stressful thoughts and that one question that kept circling around my mind.

Was Jaden even worth the effort...?

He probably wasn't... I had brainwashed myself into thinking he was when, really, I was completely wasting my time.

I had bigger things to be worried about but why am I so drawn to him? Why do I need to understand him? Why do I need him?

I don't need him! I never did!

I bit my lip and slightly shook my head as I suddenly felt anxiousness begin to build up within me. Something I did not want. I stood up and headed for Jackson's home, feeling my head begin to spin with a tangle of confusion and agitation closing around me.

As I rushed inside and headed for the front door, I spotted Jackson in the kitchen with a glass of water in hand and he only watched silently, not interfering as I yanked the door open and slammed it shut behind me as I headed out.

I could feel myself quickly become jittery and I didn't need that right now, I didn't need another panic attack to possess me. I needed clearance.

I needed relief.

I went out to the driveway and lightly jogged over to Jackson's car, feeling my mouth water at the simple thought of chugging that beer down. I pulled his car door open then climbed into the passenger side, reaching for the warm bottle of beer.

"I'm more concerned about your health and you should be too..."

"To hell with that," I muttered as I snatched the bottle from the cup holder.

I needed this right now...

I bit down on the cap, hearing a hiss come out of the bottle before I pulled it off and tossed it aside. I then brought the bottle up to my lips and threw my head back as I chugged three gulps of it down my throat before sighing in relief and climbing into the back seats to lay down.

I closed my eyes as my heart pace slowed down and my head began to clear out, leaving me relaxed.

I knew that me being so stressed over people like Jaden was only setting me back and it's my fault for letting it do so but I really can't help myself when I've already given so much of myself to him.

I've given him my heart, my soul... My body... To this day, I can't help but to constantly doubt what we have but I also cannot doubt how much I want us to work.

As my mind began to organize its thoughts, I soon began to remember the little things that reminded me of why I was so driven for us to succeed... I've never met a guy who was so interested in me and so comfortable with me. Someone who could actually keep up with me during missions and who had made it their goal to improve only to try and impress me. This guy has even aided me through personal struggles... Like the one I was surrendering to right now... But was that it? Thinking about it now, that couldn't have possibly been enough to make me so attached to him. When we first met it was like...

When the hell did we even meet...?

I brushed the thought away and brought the bottle back up to my lips to keep from thinking too hard.

It didn't matter when or how we got where we were because even if he really was everything I wanted, I just couldn't trust him. I may never be able to...

I have to face the facts... This wasn't going to work, what he wanted was most likely different from what I wanted. Jackson made that clear because he was seeing the same things I've been seeing. The very things I knew would be hard for him to change. He saw the ways he plays with women, how he plays with my emotions. Jaden had made me care about him when all he wanted was to lay in bed with me. Hell, it was his goal since the beginning before he even gotten the chance to know who it was he was dealing with... He knew I wouldn't give myself up to him so easily so he trifled with my mind until he had me trapped in the palm of his hand.

I took another sip out of my drink.

Jackson was right about him. One hundred percent and I refused to listen because I became too hopeful. My heart blinded me from seeing reality and I almost fucked up a valuable acquainted relationship in order to satisfy a goal that wasn't worth trying for. Jaden wasn't worth shit...

I took a few more gulps out of my drink.

Suddenly, the car door gently opened and I quickly sat up to see Jackson standing there. "Something bothering you?" He asked softly.

I gazed at him silently. Seeing his face made me think about our talk on the hammock earlier... The way he forgave me so easily, the way he voiced his concerns to me in order to protect me... He could either be just as good of a liar as Jaden or he really did care deeply. Either way, I didn't give two shits. I belonged to no one and didn't need anyone to care about me. If anything, they needed to stay away from me or things will only get uglier.

"Go back inside," I told him.

"Oh, come on." He chuckled and climbed in halfway to hold a hand out to me, "I'm not going to just leave you in my car, I've got a guest room that's ten times more comfortable."

"Don't make me repeat myself. I don't want you here." I said, taking more sips from my beer and when he saw that, his face quickly changed expressions, going from playful to disappointed as he slowly moved his hand down.

"You're drinking again..." He almost glared.

"So what?"

He scoffed, "The whole point of me giving you that tea was to help detoxify your system. Drinking will only make your symptoms worsen."

So that's what that was?

I knew I recognized it before, it wasn't the first time he's made me drink that. It also wasn't the first time he's stuck his nose into my business.

"Just... Shut the hell up and stop trying to get yourself involved in my life." I told him. "I know my limits and I don't need you to tell me what they are."

"Nick, you're only hurting yourself-"

"And you're making a mistake with every second you spend around me!"

He furrowed his brows for a moment before he resorted to climbing into the car and trying to snatch the beer out of my hands. I tried to pull back but he was quicker, pulling away with more force, causing it to splash on the both of us.

I glared at him, "Give it." I demanded with my fists clenching, threatening him with my eyes.

"No... Come inside. Now."

He's not taking me seriously... He's taking me for a joke!

"Come inside? Why? So you can help me? So you can try to save me from myself?!" I groaned angrily before slapping him hard across the face. As soon as his face snapped to the side, I quickly grabbed him by his shirt and glared into his eyes, telling him, "I don't need you to save me, Jackson... I don't need anyone to get involved in my life. I don't give a damn how much you claim to care about me or whatever other soft, pathetic little feelings you have that makes you think you can come and get involved where you aren't needed because I don't want to hear it... None of it!"

He ignored the stinging that left a red mark on his cheek to glower right back at me, "You must be crazy."

"Maybe I am..."

"You must be crazy if you think that I could just turn away while you give up on yourself." He said in a low tone.

I clenched my jaw in agitation, "I suggest you leave now before things quickly get out of hand."

"Let it." He tested. "Let yourself crumble and fall. Shit, drink the rest of this beer if you will." He shoved the bottle against my chest. "You've got a whole team counting on you tomorrow. Simon is counting on you... I'm counting on you but if you want to lose yourself like this and let everyone down because you want to be selfish and inconsiderate then, by all means, do it..." He said through gritted teeth.

I took the bottle from his hand, keeping my eyes on his as he watched me.

"Do it!" He yelled impatiently and I soon released my grip from his shirt.

He really wasn't going to stop me from doing this... He wasn't going to because he knew what he was doing and he knows that I wouldn't dare do it now. Not when he was scolding me like this. Not when I knew, that by drinking this, I would become weak to him... To myself. I would have lost another battle against my own mentality and he was perfectly aware of that because he had already figured me out. He's testing me now.

Testing if I could overcome my internal conflicts. Testing if I would actually resign myself to failure.

"You're really good at what you do..." I told him as I set the bottle down.

"That was all you..." He said, his glare gradually softening now. "It's called, coming to your senses." He began to back out of the car but I quickly pulled him back in to hover over me.

"Tell me if I'm having another one of those moments," I told him before suddenly kissing him.

And he didn't hesitate to kiss me back.

Things heated up quickly when I let out a soft moan and as his tongue immediately slid in and took dominance over mine. He began to kiss me like he had been waiting for years for a moment like this and that almost caught me by surprise.

But I also couldn't resist that.

My hands moved down the bulky muscles on his body until I stopped them at the bottom of his tank. Slowly, I began to pull it up his body, getting caught up in temptation. I didn't mind that at all. I wanted to be taken over by it.

When he noticed, he stopped kissing me for a moment and I almost thought that he was going to stop us from the way he slightly hesitated as he gazed down at me but, instead, he finally decided to pull his top off and toss it aside before leaning back in to kiss my neck, drowning me in ecstasy.

A soft moan slipped through my lips as I felt his teeth pull the skin on my neck before moving back in to deepen those kisses. His hand roughly gripping my chin as his lips made a trail from my neck, up my jaw, to my cheek, then right where I wanted them, my lips.

But then his phone began to ring...

Who the hell is calling him at midnight?!

His kisses slowed and his hand began to move away from my body to reach for his back pocket before he eventually pulled his lips away from me to see who was interrupting us.

As soon as he brought his phone out, I snatched it out of his hand and shoved him back against the seat to take my place on his lap. That call was going to have to wait until morning.

I declined the call and tossed his phone aside, spotting his amused smile as I leaned in to taste his lips once more, kissing him tenderly, more demandingly. He groaned softly against my lips as his hands held me close and as I began to make gentle movements against him, our hearts pounding at the same pace, our breathing just as heavy.

Nothing else was on my mind but us... Not work, not Jaden, not even reality. Just us... But something about all of this felt horribly wrong yet immensely right. In fact, this was wrong and we both knew that what we were doing was completely unacceptable but I couldn't find myself pulling away. Neither could he...

I knew that, by doing this, I was being disloyal to Jay but should I even worry about that? Like I've told myself before, I didn't need him.

I never did...