Jaden

Tyler had picked me up half an hour after I talked with Nicole. He had his music turned up to medium volume as he sung along to the rock album currently playing. I never liked this genre of music but I did find myself relating to some of the lyrics. However, I was today years old when I found out that Tyler's actually a huge fan of this type of music. It's about all he listens to.

We were already heading to Mr. Flips, getting caught up in some traffic since the school nearby was just dismissing its students but it wasn't too much of a problem for us. This is just another chance for us to make time to hang out.

I only knew him for a little over a month now but that's enough for me to realize that Tyler is the type of guy I could be myself around, and I mean completely be myself around... We were becoming as close as brothers.

I never expected it to happen but Tyler and I went from being acquaintances to becoming really good friends really fast. It really only took one good conversation for us to instantly click. That same day Nicki got on me about talking to Rebecca and being "too distracted and weak" was the same day he unexpectedly showed up to my dorm, concerned about my mental state. Since that day, he knew practically everything about me and I knew everything about him. We were starting to build an inseparable friendship.

I gazed out of the window, my mind taking an automatic U-turn back to that night...

It isn't Nicki's fault but her words that night took quite a toll on me. They almost fucked me over in the head because what she said sounded all too familiar to me.

Sitting on my couch, glaring at my reflection in the black t.v screen, Nicki's stern voice began to echo in my mind, telling me, "You're weak, Jaden." Over... And over... Until it began to sound more like Levi. Until I began to actually see Levi.

"You're weak, Jaden!" He spat at me as he grabbed me by the collar, forcefully shoving me against the wall. "Do you understand how much that match costed me?!" His fist tightened on my shirt, his eyes raging red with anger and his breath reeking with alcohol as he threatened me. I remember being terrified of him then. It was my first failed match and I never knew how important those matches were to him until he lashed his anger out on me. Until he and two other members showed me that what we had was not a brotherhood, but a business and I was considered property to them. My fate on whether or not I end up on the streets depended completely on my ability to keep them proud of me and, being a teenager with nowhere else to go, I had no choice but to try and fulfill that regardless of how overwhelming the whole experience was for me.

They made that clear by beating me until I couldn't breathe, telling me that I wasn't deserving of the privileges they provided for me, that I was worthless to them.

"Put yourself out of your own misery and kill yourself, ya skinny prick." He told me as he watched me pathetically while I coughed at his feet. There was a huge difference in how they treated me when I won those underground matches and when I didn't. I was either treated as their equal or treated like dirt but at the end of each and every day, I still was never good enough. Not for them, not for me...

Those memories flooded my head after I brought that same disappointment to Nicki months back, on that one specific night. It began to drown me in pain and anger, it began to submerge me with self-hate and disgrace.

I almost pulled my phone out that night and called a chick over to help resolve the problem by easing my mind a bit as I usually would but that would've only made matters worse. It's part of what Nicki had scolded me about that night and going through with that would've only made me even more of a letdown. My only option then was to let it take over and chew away at my soul...

While I made a snack to eat.

My head had been all over the place that night. I didn't even plan what I was going to eat, all I remember was opening the fridge and pulling out the first thing I laid eyes on. A cucumber... I only put that shit in my water but I didn't care at that moment. I didn't care about anything at that moment.

I remember pulling a knife out and chopping away at it angrily, Nicki and Levi's voices never leaving my mind. My chops gradually became more aggressive with each memory.

"You won't defend yourself even if your life depended on it." I could hear Nicole as I dropped the knife to the vegetable.

"You're pathetic!" Both Nicki and Levi's voices chastised me as I chopped another piece off.

"Put yourself out of your own misery and kill yourself, ya skinny prick!" Levi's jackass voice took over making me groan angrily at the cucumber as I imagined it to be him when my knife came down.

"Shit." I cut the side of my finger, blood slowly coming through the small slit.

I refused to do anything about it then. I felt as though I deserved it. I remember watching my finger bleed before my eyes trailed down to my wrists where old marks from years ago were made. Marks so old that one wouldn't be able to notice them if they weren't looking closely enough. I never thought I'd see myself turning back to pain as a reliever but I felt so lost, so hopeless. Before I knew it, the tip of that same knife I used to cut the cucumber was now interacting with my skin.

I sighed to myself at the memory as I turned my eyes to Tyler who was still mumbling lyrics to himself...

I didn't know how long he had been watching me that night, and I still have no clue, but he suddenly showed up just as things were getting worse. Just as I had the knife raised over my head, getting ready to just take Levi's old advice and just end myself. I felt so worthless, so angry, so messed up. I felt that I wouldn't belong anywhere. Not at the agency, not with the gang, not even with my own family.

But then the knife flew out of my hand.

I remember looking towards the entrance of my dorm, and he was there... A terrified Tyler stood at my door with a gun in his hand that seemed to aim at me.

His eyes moved from me to the wall and when I followed his gaze, I was surprised to see that the knife was lodged perfectly into the wall with a newly imprinted dent on the side of the knife left from the bullet he shot.

I remember slowly turning my eyes back to him as he silently began to make his way over to me. Voices still whispered in my head as I watched him. I felt out of place, out of my fucking mind.

As soon as he snatched my arm to observe where the blood was coming from, a huge lump formed in my throat, almost suffocating me. I bit my lip as I looked at him painfully, holding back my urge to lose myself to insanity and cry uncontrollably in front of him. I hardly even knew him at the time and it was bad enough that he most likely thought I was some lunatic.

Instead, his eyes met mine with concern before one of his slightly trembling hands gripped the back of my neck before he pulled me into him for a hug, whispering to me, "I've got you, bud."

"Hey. You good, Jay?" Tyler asked, snapping me out of memory lane. He then chuckled, hitting the skip button on his radio, "Ahh, I get it. This song is kind of a bummer but you've gotta admit, the vocals are pretty nice."

I shook my head, not knowing what song he was even referring to, "Nah, it's fine. I was just daydreaming."

"Daydreaming, huh?" He smirked at the road. "Does this fantasy involve a pretty little lady named Nicole?"

I raised an eyebrow at him, "What makes you think I'm fantasizing about-"

"Oh, come on!" He groaned dramatically, before chuckling. "I'm not dumb, Jay. I saw it in your eyes when I picked you up this morning, you two are up to something."

I laughed at the suspicion in his tone, "Did I make it obvious?"

"Did you make it obvious?" He scoffed. "You came out of that house, prancing around bees and butterflies with a rainbow trailing behind you. It was very clear."

I laughed hysterically, "Thanks, I needed that laugh more than anything."

"You think I'm joking?" He shook his head. "You had a lot of energy this morning and you're not even a morning person. Something had to put you in a good mood."

"Alright, alright..." I waved my hand for him to cut it out. "You got me, something might be emerging between us. Just don't go saying anything about it to anyone."

Last thing I need is more rumors about me spreading throughout the agency, especially before making anything official with Nicole.

"It's funny." Tyler started. "How did you get her to actually want you without letting her kill you first?"

Is it really a secret?

"Because everyone loves Jaden." I popped my collar.

He shook his head with an annoyed sneer. He was clearly not convinced with that.

"Okay, I'll be real. It's a long story, though."

He shrugged, "It's not going to take longer than this traffic, so tell. Including all the juicy stuff."

I smirked, "Alright. So remember how I first met her at the bar...?"

* * * * *

Nicole

After training with Coach, I headed straight home to my personal gym. I liked it way better than the one we had at headquarters. I don't have to worry about people hogging all of the equipment and disgustingly leaving sweat dripping from them afterward.

I threw quick jabs at my punching bag, lightning bolt speed.

Left right, right right, right left, left left, right right left, left right left...

I could feel the sweat drip down from my forehead and fall to the floor. A satisfying sign of progress. I kept my speed without letting the heat, nor the soreness in my arms stop me. With my peripheral, I could see the two guards, who were guarding this room, watching me over their shoulders and whispering to each other about me. I didn't mind them staring, maybe they were learning a thing or two by my performance. I turned my full attention back to the bag, jabbing even harder.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, startling me. I put my hands on the bag to stop it from swinging and looked back at my guards, panting heavily as I asked them, "Who is that?"

One of them listened in their earpiece as the guard downstairs informed him before he told me, "It's Mr. Miguel."

God, is it time already?

I sat on my bench and took a huge chug of water. "Send him up," I told him as I stood up to begin swinging kicks at the bag.

After a short moment, the therapist arrived at my door. He didn't interrupt me as he watched but then, after a minute, he smiled and clapped, "You're pretty tough." his voice was as smooth as cream and extremely relaxing which has never failed to annoy me.

I stopped and turned to look at him, wiping sweat from my face with the small towel, "Are we going to start in here?"

He looked around then shook his head, "It's too tense. We'll go to the same room we used last time."

I nodded, "No problem." I walked passed him to begin my path there.

We headed to the mint green room downstairs where there were a few massage chairs and a table full of relaxing oils that made the place smell like lavender and vanilla. The lighting and decorations were soothing, making me think Simon purposely had this room built just for my therapy sessions. It was obvious actually, and that hinted that he might've been planning on making me take these sessions long term.

"Would you like some fruit, Ms. Greene?" he held out a small bowl of grapes to me.

"No thanks..." I said sitting on the orange bean bag chair.

He nodded, putting the bowl on the desk then clasping his hands together, "No worries. So, the last session went pretty smoothly but I have some concerns... You tend to think violently when you don't necessarily need to. That will be our main focus today."

I watched as he went into his satchel and took out a pen and paper.

"I've been talking to your father." He started as he began writing.

I nodded.

"He has given me permission to take a new approach with you. To help you cope with your anger." He put the paper and pen on his desk then went to his mini-fridge at the corner of his room. "What's your favorite drink?"

I tried to look over his shoulder to see what he was doing, "Apple juice..."

"Ah... There you are." he pulled out a small cup and poured the juice in, "Simon told me that it was your favorite too... Here you go." he handed me the cup.

I held the cup back out to him, "I don't want it... I'm not thirsty."

"Oh, but you have to..." he said softly with a calming smile. "Your father wrote me a note saying that you should have it before we start."

"What note?"

He went to the clipboard and pulled the sticky note off then held it out to me. I leaned in to see if that was actually Simon's handwriting as he read it out loud, "Make sure Nicole has her special juice before you begin the session." He smiled and pointed to the signature at the end of the note, "As you can see, it's signed by him, right here."

The signature was, in fact, Simon's...

I leaned back, eyeing him, "Why do I have to drink it?"

"It was what I was told to do. Apple juice is very nutritious, you know."

I guess if Simon said so...

I grabbed the cup and took a sip out of the ice-cold drink, watching Mr. Miguel smile at me over the other end of the cup.

He's one weird human.

As I looked back into the cup, I noticed something pink dissolving in my drink.

What the hell?!

I spit the drink out and dumped the rest out onto the floor.

"What's the matter?" his face was stunned but his voice was calm.

I pulled the small pink ball out of my cup and looked closely at it, almost not believing what I saw, "You... Crazy... Bastard!" I yelled and threw the cup at him. It smashed into pieces as soon as it hit his shoulder.

I furiously marched up to him and gripped his neck, "You tried to drug me..."

He grabbed my arm, trying to pull it off as he choked, his breathing narrowing by the second, "It's nothing harmful... It's to help you calm down..." he wheezed. "I had permission, Nicole..."

Fuck you!

I shoved him to the ground and went to his desk to grab his satchel.

He coughed dryly, "You don't have to take it, sweetheart..." he coughed some more, "We can just head to the next step..."

I ignored him and pulled out one of his empty needles. "You think you can just drug me into being who you want me to be..." I placed the needle on the floor and sucked the drugged apple juice off of it with the end of the needle. "Let's see how you like to be forced on medication."

He began to scoot away from me, terrified as I stomped towards him. His fear only fed my rage. I angrily grabbed his hair and yanked his head to the side to get clear access to his neck, right where I'll stab him.

He tried to keep calm but the horror whirled wildly in his eyes, quenching my thirst to inject him. "Nicole... Please... Let's move on..." he begged, grabbing my wrist.

"Why should we?"

He watched as I held the needle close to his neck, "Because you'll lose everything without me!"

I glared, tightening my grip on the needle, "What do you mean...?"

He took a deep breath and whispered, "I'm here to help you... Without these sessions, you would be kicked out of the USSCI and possibly this home... Please, I'm here for you."

I stared at him for a moment. I'm still pissed about the drug in my drink and I still wanted to poison this bastard but he was right... I guess I did need this to help me stay sane.

I let out a deep groan and chucked the needle across the room before helping Mr. Miguel up to his feet, "I understand... My apologies, Mr. Miguel." I said in a low tone, fixing his collar and hair.

He stopped my hands and led me to the big orange beanbag chair on the floor, "It's alright, love... I'll speak to your father about excluding this practice from our session. I believe you can meet your goals without it." he moved his hand to squeeze mine gently before walking back to his desk to write himself a note. I watched his hand as he did, taking notice of their trembles.

I don't blame him for being scared... I don't even blame him for trying to drug me.

He must think I'm impossible to fix...

After a quiet, slightly awkward, moment, he finally looked up from his clipboard and smiled, "Okay, how about we start with a fun little interview. I'm going to ask you a few questions and you simply tell me the first answer that comes to mind along with why you picked that answer."

I nodded.

"Let's start with something easy... What's your favorite color and why?"

"Green... I like nature."

He smiled, "Nature... Favorite plant?"

"Trees. They hold a lot of secrets. You don't know who they are until you cut them open or unless they want to show you their secrets by blooming them."

He nodded and wrote it down, "I heard you grew up in Texas, where there were plenty of plants and animals... Why didn't you enjoy any of that then?"

I glared at him for a moment then sighed with a slouch, "I did enjoy it... It was the only time I got to get away from the bullshit happening in my home."

He put his pen and notebook down, "Do you mind describing that for me? Life at Texas?"

"What life? I didn't have a life. Nor did I have a voice, or friends, or a family that gave a shit about me."

"Where is your family now?"

I sucked my teeth, "I could care less of where they are and I don't consider them family. I was just an unlucky result of what happens when two horny teenagers can't afford real condoms. Can we just move on now?" my heart was starting to ache at the topic.

"Have you suffered from any neglect as a child...?" he asked, knowing I did.

"I said, let's move on," I told him sternly.

He softly shook his head, "Please... Tell me... It'll only feel worse if you keep it in."

It did hurt to hold it in but it would also hurt even more to let it out. I wasn't ready to discuss this. Not with anyone.

He stood up and walked around his desk to sit on the floor, next to my beanbag chair. He handed me a teddy bear and smiled, "You don't have to tell me. Tell Nuke..."

I looked at the bear, noticing that it was the same one I tore the head off of from the last session. I could see the stitches, showing that Mr. Miguel sewed it back together. I smirked at it. It felt stupid but I didn't want to look into someone's eyes when I talk about a topic this personal to me.

I frowned at Nuke, "Yes... I've been neglected... And abused." I answered and slowly moved my eyes up to Mr. Miguel, "But it doesn't matter anymore. I'm in better hands now."

He placed his hand on my knee, "It does matter. This isn't something you can just ignore. I can see it affecting you since we've first met. I didn't know what it was before but now I know that these experiences you had as a child are part of the issue... You're still hurt from it."

I angrily threw the bear at him, "Aren't you supposed to be helping me?! All you're doing is forcing me to relive my past and remember harsh memories I never want to dare remember! How is making me look back on the abuse I've dealt with going to help me be less violent? All I know is violence! I don't want to go back to being that little girl who couldn't defend herself when her face was being slapped with the bristle end of the broom, I don't want to be the scared child who had to find an excuse to be in the woods just so she could hide from her babysitter! I like it when people are afraid of me, I love it, actually... There's nothing you can fix about that." I glared harshly at him.

He swallowed but his voice still came out sounding as calm as could be, "It definitely is something I could fix. You see, Simon signed you up on these treatments because even after him trying to get you to calm down, he couldn't succeed. Your anger could hurt people. Even the ones you love."

I kept my glare but my eyes softened at the thought of me hurting Simon. I would never do that. No matter how angry I get.

"The reason why I asked about your past is that it'll help you plan your future. Look at where you live now... This is a privilege. A privilege that Simon chose to provide... It is very easy to forget how much you appreciate it until it's all gone. What will you do when you push that limit? Right to the limit where you're forced to leave? What's your next move?"

I thought for a moment. How life would be like for me without Simon. I would have never even made it this far in life without his help. He's the reason why I am where I am. He is the reason why I still believe in hope and faith. I kept my eyes away from Miguel as I almost whispered, "All gone... If all of this is gone... If Simon let go of me... It's all gone..."

He nodded, "Your home, your friends..."

"I don't care about that. All that doesn't matter to me without Simon..." I looked at my fingers, avoiding eye contact. "He means everything to me."

Miguel handed me the bear. I grabbed it and held it tightly in my fists, looking deep into its gentle eyes, "After I killed my babysitter, I thought I was done for. I thought I would get arrested for life but I was so scared... Terrified... I didn't want to go to jail so I b-" I choked on my words. The horrifying image played vividly in my head. I remember the black smoke, the stench, the ashes... It was something I could never forget. "I took her to the forest and b-burned her body... It was the only way."

Miguel gasped softly but didn't interrupt.

"As soon as the fire went out, I ran as far as I could. I never knew where I ended up. It didn't matter to me where I ended up. I just didn't want them to find me, not like they were going to go looking for me anyway..." I sighed.

"Oh..." He rubbed my ankle sympathetically and asked, "Do you remember where you had run off to?" He asked and I went ahead and answered quietly.

"I lived in this small town for a few months, eating whatever I could find and hunt... I begged for food and people would give me money but I didn't know what money was... I thought people were being selfish or mocking me so I just stole from people instead."

I saw Miguel beginning to write in his book again. I paused for a moment, watching him. In spite of this being a safe, private place, I wondered if he'll ever bring any of this up to Simon... Part of me wanted him to, but part of me didn't in fear he'll be upset that I hadn't told him sooner.

I hesitated a bit when he looked at me before I continued, "I-I got caught doing it and it got so bad that I became wanted as a criminal... I was seven... They wanted to hunt me down and possibly arrest me. So nearly a year later... I jumped onto a train and got my ass outta there, again, not knowing where I'd end up..."

I remembered feeling so free that day and wanting to live on that train forever. I saw so many wonderful things. Lakes, animals, other people... All of it was just so astonishing to me. When you've lived your whole life crammed into a sucky cabin, every little pop of color or city light was magical. It was overwhelming.

"I saw color for the first time," I told him. "Bright lights, cars, large buildings, beautiful statues and fountains, tall trees..." I smiled, my heart thumping with the same feeling I had when I first experienced that.

I frowned now, "But I couldn't live there. I had no money and I didn't know what money was. Not until I actually witnessed people using it... Before Simon came into my life, I knew this baker I called Bucky. I lived behind his bakery because he always threw away buckets of old cookie dough or stale bread and that would be my breakfast, lunch, and dinner." I chuckled.

Mr. Miguel half-smiled, "Did he ever notice you?"

I nodded shyly, "Yeah... He eventually noticed me and decided to bring me a fresh loaf of bread every day, even a small bag of cookies if I helped around. He was my best friend. Him and Little Ruckus, his chihuahua..."

He waited for me to continue but I had to take a moment. I never knew what friendship felt like before I met Bucky. He didn't have much financially but he did the best he could to help in any way. I knew that each day he saw me, he blamed himself for not being able to do more, for putting himself and his family first before me. Little did he know that all the small things he did made me feel like I was being given the whole world.

"Tell me about them," Miguel whispered, making me turn my attention to him.

"Oh, um... There isn't much to tell... Not after my screw up." I clutched the bear closer to me, "Little Ruckus got out... I was only trying to play with him but I forgot his leash and he ran into the street. I chased him down to save him from all of the cars."

The flashback vividly played in my head. I remember running after that dog, cars coming left and right, not stopping for anyone... But I only saw the dog.

Cars and trucks honked and screeched around me as I ran after him, I caused accidents and a catastrophic scene.

"Watch out!" someone screamed before I was hit by something heavy.

Collision and screams sounded around me and I couldn't move. I couldn't see.

Little Ruckus! Was all I could think.

I remember crying and feeling like I was​ going to explode into anger until I finally saw light... The street lights, car lights and a large shadow hovering over me.

"Are you alright? Can you hear me?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Thank goodness... What were you thinking?" The man asked.

The man that I now know as Simon Ortez. My father...

"That night he saved me, he asked me where my home was and I showed him to the fort Bucky and I made behind the bakery. I thought it was pretty cool but Simon felt bad for me. He was heartbroken... He bought me real food and even let me sleep in his limo when I asked."

Mr. Miguel looked at me with tears forming in his eyes, "What about Bucky and his dog?"

I smiled, "Little Ruckus was okay... When I knew I wouldn't be able to see them again, I said my goodbyes. It was the hardest thing to do."

"You ended up staying with Simon the rest of the time, right?"

I shrugged, "Kind of... I ran away from him a few times. It was all so scary to me. I didn't know who to trust but he always made the effort to find me. Each time I came back to him, he made sure that he paid more attention and spent more time with me. It even got to the point where he let me live with him at a hotel for a while then he brought me to headquarters when​ I turned 10. I looked at him as my father since I began to build strong love and trust for him."

He smiled, "So you see why I asked about your past..."

I cocked my head to the side then after a moment, I quickly realized the purpose of this exercise. I nodded with a chuckle, "Yeah... I guess I do."

His timer went off, startling me. He walked over to his desk to turn it off, "Looks like we're done for today... Do you want to get anything else off of your chest before I leave?"

I shook my head, standing up as I tried my best to not show any of the wild emotions I currently felt in my chest, "No, that's all. Thank you for your time, Mr. Miguel and... Sorry for my disrespectful behavior earlier."

He gave me a tight hug and I hugged him back, clenching his shirt tightly as I listened to him say, "Thank you, Ms. Greene... Don't worry about earlier, it's all a part of the learning experience." He pulled back and smiled at me, "Have a nice evening, I'll see you at our next appointment, dear."

I nodded and watched as he left the room with his things and a wet napkin crumbled in his hand. He gently closed the door behind him, leaving me in silence.

I looked at the bear for a moment, hearing his voice quietly speak from the back of my mind, "Your story is just the foundation of what makes you the woman you are today. Don't let it define you, but instead, let it strengthen you..." Nuke's eyes sparkled at me, touching my heart and triggering the last nerve that held all of my tears inside.

I fell to my knees with my hands shaking and broke down crying. The lump in my throat released as tears poured from my eyes. An emotional waterfall of anger, sadness, fear, and even the happiness that I held inside of myself the whole session flowed out of me all at once.

The struggle I went through to be where I am today was so surreal. So crazy. Having to think about it all at once gave me a massive headache. Tangled all of my emotions together messily and made me lose my sense of control.

Having to think about what life would be like without Simon only broke me. I knew I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for Simon, I would be nothing! Suffering! Struggling to seek a life that would be impossible to find! If it weren't for Simon, I would be stuck telling myself that Angie was right, that I was worthless and useless to everyone. That nobody needed me! That I was better off dead!

I yanked my dagger out from the bottom of my pocket and climbed onto one of the massage chairs, stabbing and shanking my feelings into it. I couldn't control myself and I wanted to stop because I began to hyperventilate, my head began to feel lighter and lighter but I kept going, screaming and stabbing and scratching and tearing! Ignoring my shortness of breath, the narrowness in my throat.

I felt a sudden soft touch on my waist, making me freeze...

My mind suddenly went blank. My breathing still unstable.

One of the hands easily and gently took the dagger out of my hands then wrapped around me. I almost thought it was Simon until I heard his voice.

"I'm here, Nicki..." he whispered before kissing my sweaty cheek.

I turned around, panting heavily. Jaden looked at me with soft, sorrow eyes.

"Jaden..." I managed to whisper, feeling even more lightheaded. Weaker. My legs gave up and I fell into his arms.

He quickly caught me and helped me stay up, "Easy, easy... I'll get you some water." he whispered

I felt my body get cold with chills and I shook my head, trying to tell him that I wanted him to stay. That I needed him right now. That I couldn't breathe. He began to say something but his words were all muffled. My vision dimmed and suddenly, I blacked out...