"You know, Rafa, I love it when you're near, and I love every touch of yours," Abdur Rehman whispered, melting her heart. "But if you don't let go of my hand, we're going to crash into a tree."

As soon as she let go in surprise, Abdur Rehman used his newly freed hand to maneuver the steering wheel and drive down the winding road.

"You're such a meanie," she whispered in mock hurt. He laughed out loud at her reaction.

The salted breeze of the ocean gently slapped across her face as they cruised down the Pacific Coast Highway. With her window rolled all the way down, she gazed at the numerous stores in their way. Art galleries and cafes and boutiques. It was like viewing everything anew, proving to her how important one's state of mind was. When the soul was happy and content, everything felt peaceful and lovely.

"What do you wanna do when we go home?" She asked, leaning into the passenger seat and glancing at him.

"I dunno, whatever you want to do."

"I want to sleep. That's all this baby makes me want to do now," she whispered. "Can I just go to sleep and wake up when it's time to del—"

Abdur Rehman's phone rang, cutting her off.

"It's Mom," she announced, looking at the screen.

"Yours or mine?" Abdur Rehman asked teasingly.

She rolled her eyes at him and answered the call on speaker.

"Abdur Rehman?" Tayyaba's voice crackled on the other end. "How's it going with you both? When are you coming back?"

"We're on our way, Maa."

"Alright, perfect then. Would you please grab something from Porto's on the way back? Badr and Tahmeed are coming over to visit Rafa."

"Badr?" He clarified.

"Yes. So stop over and get something from Porto's, you know her favorites."

"Yes, yes I do." There was a smile in his voice. He glanced towards Rafa when the call ended, "You're going to love her favorite guava and cream pastries." There was excitement in his voice, but Rafa's response was a scowl. "What is it?" She had been as bright as the sun only minutes ago, and now she was resembling a cloudy evening.

"Nothing." She shook her head, dismissing his worries.

He took his eyes off her face to look at her belly, then he nodded to himself. Mood swing, probably.

A detour and a traffic jam later, they pulled up to the house at the same time as Badr and Tahmeed.

"Assalamualaikum, congratulations!" Badr said in the same breath. Her arms went around Rafa's, pulling her in an embrace. "We came as soon as we found out."

"You found out just now?" Rafa asked in puzzlement after replying to the Salaam. Did dear mil not know how to tell her son's ex-lover of this news?

"We were in Pakistan."

"Come on in," Abdur Rehman said, ushering them towards the door where he was at once greeted by his mother. Tayyaba was ecstatic, Rafa could tell with how the grin spread across her face and never left.

"It feels like forever since meeting you, meri Bachi!" she exclaimed, hugging Badr.

"Aur beta, how are you?" She asked Tahmeed, patting him on the shoulder.

They took their seats in the living room. While Abdur Rehman sat down with them, Rafa hurried to her room to use the restroom and freshen up. She was suddenly feeling sick. The morning had started off perfect, but now it was becoming annoying.

"How have you been?" Badr asked her several minutes later when Rafa had made it downstairs to them.

"I'm doing well. There was a lot of morning sickness in the past weeks, but I'm better," she explained, her eyes flicking towards Abdur Rehman, who set the pastries on the table.

"Bhai, let me help you," Badr offered, starting to get up.

"I will help him," Rafa announced, a little louder than she had meant. Her heartbeat increased, she didn't know why she was being restless.

All eyes turned to her, making her blush.

"Don't worry," Abdur Rehman assured with a small smile. "I'll manage." He retreated to the kitchen.

Take it easy, Rafa, she said to herself.

Abdur Rehman flashed another smile in her direction before turning around and knitting his eyebrows. What was that?

He turned on the kettle for the chai and transferred the other finger foods his mother had arranged. When he brought the tray out to the living room again, he handed the appetizer plates to everyone.

"I appreciate your hospitality," Tahmeed said teasingly. Abdur Rehman stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

"After Manahil got married and left, Abdur Rehman was my son and my daughter," Tayyaba proudly said. "He knows all the tasks around the house, and I take great pride in confessing this. There's no shame in men knowing how to cook and clean."

"I agree," Tahmeed agreed humbly. "Mom's been teaching me to fry an egg for ages, and somehow I fail every time."

"We all have our strengths," Abdur Rehman said, unfolding his legs to approach Rafa and offer her a plate. "Some of us are good at numbers," he looked at Tahmeed before turning towards Rafa, "Some of us are good at medicine, and some–"

"Some are good at everything?" Badr completed for him.

He laughed with her, but didn't miss the way Rafa's forehead crinkled. Did she not like his joke?

"Ask Badr to teach you," Tayyaba suggested to Tahmeed. "I taught her everything." She glanced at Rafa and grinned at her, "And I will teach my other daughter too, after she's done with the baby."

Rafa's lips dipped into a deeper frown. Her reactions worried Abdur Rehman, but he didn't say anything. It was several minutes later, after everyone was sipping tea that he asked Rafa to come to the kitchen.

"What is it?" She asked, thinking he needed help. Her voice lacked the spark of love it always had whenever she talked to him.

"Are you feeling okay?" He wondered in concern. "You don't have to sit with us if you don't want to. Badr and Tahmeed will understand."

Maybe the hike earlier had tired her out. Or maybe she was feeling nauseated with the scents of the foods?

"Leave you guys alone so you can make more fun of me?" She asked pointedly.

Make fun? "When did that happen?" He said with a laugh.

"You're blind and deaf sometimes."

Had he not heard his mother make fun of her? She wondered. By saying that she hadn't taught her yet, wasn't her mother in law implying that she didn't know anything and did nothing around the house? Even he had slipped out a complaint against her, saying that she was only good at medicine.

She's never going to be a part of our family. The recollection came to her, freezing her. A gut clenching feeling overtook her as a reel of occurrences that had happened only a couple of months ago played before her.

No. I can't let those feelings come back. I can't go back to that time. She took deep breaths to calm herself. She leaned against the counter and reminded herself of how good things had been in the past weeks.

"Rafa," Abdur Rehman whispered, touching her chin and lifting it to face him. "What is it? You can say it."

The tenderness in his voice suddenly made her feel guilty. She didn't want to throw away whatever they had built in between them, nor did she want to disturb the delicate web they had constructed. She just wanted to live in peace and have her baby in peace.

"Sorry, I'm just tired," she dismissed, reaching for his hand and kissing the knuckles.

They returned to the guests, unlacing their fingers just before they came in sight.

"How is work going for you?" Rafa asked Badr, trying to make conversation. Sometimes she realized how less she knew of her husband's cousin. Whatever she had heard was through her mother-in-law, or Abdur Rehman, and neither dwelled on more than how she was their family and how good she was.

"To be honest, it's been stressful lately. Hence I took a vacation to Pakistan," Badr confessed, looking down at her lap, as if finding the appropriate words. "I love my job, but there are times I wonder if what I'm doing is worthwhile."

Rafa detected vulnerability in her voice, something she hadn't expected from the image of Badr she had made inside her head.

"Bioengineering isn't like practical medicine, it doesn't have instant gratification. It takes decades sometimes to see the fruit of your effort, and more often than not, it's not always successful," she explained before grinning at her easily. "I admire you, Rafa, really."

Rafa was taken aback. "Me? Why?"

"You have it all figured out. You're a doctor, soon to be a mother, and you're doing so well in adjusting to the family."

Rafa suppressed the urge to scoff. How easy it was to assume things, she thought. Here she was simply going with the flow, trying to survive for the sake of her child and the closeness she craved of her husband.

"Why do you think that?" Rafa finally asked. "You look well adjusted too."

Badr smiled at her. "I've been married for six years now, I'm adjusted now, but it wasn't the case when I first married." She played with the crumbs on her plate. "I grew up as an only child, with either a mother or a father at a time. When I got married, I suddenly had to live with two brother-in-law's, one of their wives, many of Tahmeed's cousins who came on a regular basis, and in-laws." She glanced towards Tahmeed, making sure he wasn't listening. "It was not easy, even though like you and bhai, Tahmeed and I were in love."

Six years? Did it take that long to reach the stage Badr was at? Rafa's hand went towards her abdomen. She would have to survive things that long to get peace? When she lifted her gaze, she saw Badr studying her.

"Thank you," Rafa simply said, wanting to move on from the topic. "By the way, if you want a break from your career to...recalibrate, motherhood might be helpful," she said teasingly.

A shadow fell across Badr's face. It confused Rafa, but she didn't say anything. She had seen the same look on so many others faces. She didn't know if she wanted to breach the topic with someone she wasn't entirely comfortable with yet. But being her usual self, she couldn't help but say something. "If you want some recommendations for infertility centers...I can suggest."

Badr's face went scarlet before she let out a cold chuckle. "It's not that."

"What is it, then?"

It was several minutes before Badr had enough courage to confess, "I don't think it's for me, motherhood I mean."

Rafa tilted her head. She had taken counseling during medical school for situations exactly like the one she was encountering, but sometimes, she was at a loss of words.

"What holds you back? The responsibility or the process?" She cautiously questioned.

She had met so many mothers who were scared of becoming mothers because they didn't want to go through labor pains, or lose their slim bellies, or even end up with long term side effects. She had also met mothers who didn't want to put their own life on hold, or accept any sort of change for a child. A child was not easy to care for, nor something one could just set aside. Even something as simple as an outing could become something you had to think twice about. You could no longer grab your phone and just go, you had to think of formulas and diapers and strollers and car seats.

The thoughts made worry ripple in her own heart. How would things be for her and Abdur Rehman, she wondered. They wouldn't be going on pre-dawn hikes with the baby, nor could they go eat hot chicken or meet at the botanical gardens secretly after work.

She glanced in his direction, finding him talking to Tahmeed and Tayyaba. They were discussing some business chain closing down.

A good partner could make all the difference, she thought. Someone to wipe her vomit, to put up with her moods, to cook for her. She didn't know what the future held, but if he was doing those things for her, he could certainly be doing them for his baby.

"I don't know," Badr said, breaking through Rafa's cloud of thoughts. "It's a mental block I can't work through no matter how hard I try. I'm fortunate that my in-laws don't demand from me, but I wonder how long they'll wait. How long Tahmeed will wait."

"Well...I think you shouldn't overthink it. Just take a chance."

"That doesn't sound like something a person of science would say," Badr countered.

"A gyno would, though. As well as a mother." She patted her stomach. "I never confessed to being ready. It just happened and we're making the best of it. Sometimes you don't know the significance or need of a blessing until you have it."

Rafa's own advice revolved in her head throughout the night. It was true that the thought of children had entered her head many times in her life, but always fleetingly and dismissively, like something that was far off and would be addressed one day. When she had found out that she was pregnant, many worries had plagued her. It was merely her first year of marriage, and she still had so much more to do, so much more to enjoy and experience and explore. A child felt like a chain binding her from using her wings. But then the same chain had started grounding her. It had, overnight, changed the way her mother-in-law treated her. It had dismissed all the walls between her and her husband, the same ones that felt too tall and treacherous to scale. A child was a blessing, even if it felt like it was given to her when she wasn't ready.

She let out a gentle sigh, shifting in the bed to accommodate her belly better. Abdur Rehman stirred a little, and for a moment she worried that she had woken him. Then he started breathing easily again, deep in slumber. Moonlight that filtered through the window landed on the side of his face, narrowly missing his eyes. She lifted her hand to block it, and saw the shadow of her hand on his face. She moved her fingers, seeing the shadows play. A grin made it to her lips. If only I could leave my imprints over you that easily. It ached her to think that although she was his wife, others affected him and his life more.

She recalled the way his face lit up when his mother had told him that Badr was visiting. How easily he laughed when Badr talked. Was it the same with Jannat too, she wondered? How had he come to know her? How much did he know her? Did he like them both because he himself liked them, or did he like them because his mother liked them? She couldn't help but question.

His mother affected his life so deeply; his choices, his likes, his habits. How much of all those things were him, and how much was his mother?

"Rafa?" He asked groggily, opening his eyes. "Go to sleep." He reached out and held her, slowly pulling her towards him.

No. Rafa thought. This is him. His mother could influence him, but she couldn't influence the way he touched her, the way he teased her, the way he made her feel like the happiest girl alive. This is him.

Suddenly it felt disrespectful to even think that he could be anyone else than who he was. She thought back to their honeymoon. She had seen him then, and his mother had been hundreds of miles away. This is him.

She deeply inhaled the lingering scent of his body wash. She didn't understand her husband's dynamic with his mother. It thrilled her to know that he loved his mother, he was obedient to her. But the question came to her again and again, where did he draw the line? Where was he Abdur Rehman and where did he become Tayyaba's son?

Never in her life had she ever looked at her own brother and wondered such a thing...but then again, Yahya's life was nothing like Abdur Rehman's.

Rafa's fingers lightly trailed her husband's bearded jaw.

"I don't have parents. I have one parent," he had said to her months ago.

If things had been different, if his father was alive, could her husband have been a different person? Perhaps he wouldn't be as close to his mother...but then, perhaps he wouldn't be so caring, so compassionate, so gentle. All of those things came from a mother.

Was the man she loved worth loving because of the way his mother had made him? Confusion and an iciness filled into her veins. What do I want?

She couldn't love one part of him while disliking the other parts. But the question was if she loved that one part of him enough to tolerate the other parts.

"I don't want to take you away from your mother," she whispered to herself. "But I don't want to hear her every time you speak, I don't want to see her when you look at me."

Her own words sounded harsh to her, but they were her honest thoughts. When you love someone deeply, you become hypercritical of the tiniest changes, slightest misunderstandings. You do not want to see the reflection of someone you dislike in them, not even a touch, not even a passing shadow. Rafa knew that her issues with her mother-in-law were going to color her love for her husband no matter how much she tried to avoid it, but she didn't know how to fix the dilemma. Tayyaba sat in his roots. She sat in a permanent seat in their life.

"Ya Allah," she whispered. "Make a way for me. Make a way for us." Tears erupted in her eyes, but she fought to keep her body stable. If she trembled the slightest, Abdur Rehman would wake up and inquire what was wrong, and she didn't have words to explain how hurt she was.

She didn't want to open a Pandora box, because she feared if she did, nothing would be the same again.

Sadly, that was exactly what happened in the upcoming weeks.

If you're enjoying Sparks of Love, you will enjoy my other books too. Check out:

 Tears of Love. 

You see, I have dreams to pursue 

Life to live

Shores to conquer

And all of a sudden

There was a knock on my doorIt was fate

Which let you in-

A visitor Who wasn't invited.

Ends of Love.

Is love always give and take

or is it okay to feel it alone?

sometimes heartbreaking

and other times, making the organ skip a beat

What will you do when more than one person loved you

or when you love somebody while you are being loved by someone else

are there any ends to love?

because I think my love will surpass

all ends.

Let it Rain. 

(A WATTPAD FEATURED STORY) she was winter 

eyes sparkling with coldhe was summer

presence blanketed with warmth

she liked to rainwith thundering pain

he liked to drainthe harness of every disdain

she was destined to fall

He was destined to rise

when the drops of rain met

the rays of the sun

tinkering drizzle of water

splattered with the hues of a brand-new tint.