"A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy." – Guy Fawkes

Date: November 5th, 2017

Occasion:
Guy Fawkes
Bonfire Night

Countries: U.K., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Caribbean Nations

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XXXIII | Bonfire Fright

"Hello?"

"How's your heavy lifting going?"

"Fantastic, spectacular, marvellous. Especially after I dropped five kilograms worth of fireworks on my throbbing foot. The pain really added another dimension to my day."

"Ha, no wonder. You're about as muscular as a string bean."

"Why don't you try it, rather than sitting on your lazy arse at home?"

"Joel, as your sister, I'm obliged to make your life as miserable as can be. The easiest way for me to do that is to let you do the heavy lifting."

"I wish our parents used protection the second time."

"I wish they used protection the first time."

"Are you going to come to the park or not? It's already getting dark outside."

"I'm embracing the darkness from indoors."

"We're going to light the bonfire and set off the fireworks soon. I know you won't want to miss the explosions."

"Ah, I see you've picked up on my pyromania! How quaint."

"Trust me, your personality adds enough fuel to the fire as it is."

"I'll take that as a compliment!"

"It certainly was not one."

"Anyway, mum's taken the new car for a spin, and you took the other one, so I can't drive there even if I wanted to."

"Cassie, it's a ten minute walk away."

"Time is of the essence. Driving would take much less time."

"Considering you spend your time scrolling through shitposts on Tumblr and reading smutty fanfictions, you can't say much about the matter."

"You take that back! Smutty fanfictions are my sole source of joy in this dark world."

"I'm very concerned to hear that."

"Ah, no worries, I'm just messing with you. Dank memes are high up on the list too."

"Changing the subject, how long am I supposed to ice my foot?"

"Until you get frostbite and your foot falls off."

"I don't think ice packs do that."

"Meh, I can wish."

"How many branches do I need to gather for the bonfire?"

"As many as you can find? I don't know, I don't have a PhD in bonfire building."

"Fine, any tips of any kind? Any at all?"

"You should invest in a better razor. The number of nicks and cuts along your jawline is a one-way ticket to Infection-ville. You're probably a theme park for bacteria."

"I meant about the bonfire!"

"Okay, don't Hulk out on me! I was just joking around."

"Then you should really avoid comedy as a career path."

"Ouch, you pierced my heart. If I had one. Which I don't."

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"Fine, make sure to check the bonfire for hedgehogs before you light it."

"What? Why? Is that a tradition?"

"Kinda? I read about it in some Johnlock fanfiction, which, I may add, proves that fanfiction can be a source of information."

"Alright, don't get cocky. Back to the hedgehogs? I'd much rather talk about adorable hedgehogs than fanfiction."

"Hedgehogs like to burrow in unlit bonfires, since those piles of sticks are its natural habitat. If you light up a bonfire while it's still in there, you may find its crispy remains the next day."

"Oh god, now I'm mentally scarred."

"Yup! I like fire as much as the next person, but even I'd rather see hedgehogs scurry around than suffer from death by burning sticks."

"Speaking of burning sticks, I think the bonfire is almost ready. Do you know when mum's getting back home?"

"Nah, but she seemed pretty intent on wearing out her tires by dusk."

"Great, she's probably going to be driving for the next twelve hours."

"Knowing how much coffee that woman downs per day, I wouldn't be surprised if she lasted all night."

"Uh, just a warning, I'm going to set off some trial fireworks now."

"Why would I need a warn– ow! Jesus Christ, I think my eardrums exploded alongside those fireworks! What the hell did you do that for?"

"Cass, use your inside voice!"

"Joel, no one's even home."

"I meant that as a general piece of advice. The loudness of your voice can break the sound barrier."

"You break the sound barrier by going fast, you idiot!"

"You come up with insults for me faster than the Flash can run, so my point still stands."

"What's the point of all this, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why does Bonfire Night exist? Like, at least we get breaks for Christmas and Easter, but this just lets us get away with setting off pretty explosives that are illegal at any other time of the year."

"Ah, dear sister, allow me to educate you about a man named Guy Fawkes."

"Ugh, I'm bored already."

"He tried to blow up Westminister Palace."

"Wow, I retract that statement! Tell me more, professor."

"Of course, the moment I mention explosions, you're hooked."

"They're much more interesting than you."

"Wow, that's the comeback of the year, that is."

"Back to blowing up the government of England?"

"Right, so, Guy Fawkes was a guy, no pun intended, who wanted to blow up Westminister Palace in 1605. He anonymously sent an English nobleman a letter, which threatened the lives of those who served there."

"Can you make this story more interesting? Like, maybe don't sound like you're reading out of a history textbook? Thanks."

"Ugh, you're impossible to please. So, the letter got into the hands of King James I, who was like, 'the fuck? No random pleb on the street can blow up my fam!' and disregarded the letter."

"That's more like it!"

"What, so I just need to use more expletives and 21st century slang to keep your attention?"

"Exactly! I'm glad to see you're catching on."

"God, you're annoying. Anyway, a royal official in the palace came across a suspicious-looking man who was going incognito whilst trying to hide 36 barrels of gunpowder. The dude was wearing a cloak and boots! That's like wearing jeans to a royal wedding."

"I would totally wear jeans to a royal wedding. Comfort over style, amirite?"

"Not the point. So, the gunpowder was discovered and the incognito dude, who turned out to be Guy Fawkes, was arrested and tortured. He was sentenced to be hanged, but he fell off the scaffolding where it was supposed to happen, and broke his neck."

"Damn, that was intense from start to finish."

"Wait, I haven't finished! These days, we build bonfires and set off fireworks ironically, since the gunpowder plot wasn't successful. Some people also make Guys, which are dolls that are tossed on the bonfire to represent Guy Fawkes. The end."

"I'm glad we don't have a Guy. Dolls creep me the hell out."

"Well, that's one thing we have in common."

"Oh, mum's home! I'll meet you at the park soon."

"God, finally. A fat lot of help you were, setting up this bonfire."

"I taught you to check for hedgehogs. Have you done that yet?"

"Yep, this is a hedgehog-free zone."

"Awesome, now those adorable, spiky insectivores can carry on with their lives."

"Ugh."

"Now what?"

"These fireworks smell weird."

"Ah, Eau de Gunpowder! My favourite scent."

"Can you hurry up and get here before I pass out from firework fumes?"

"Right you are, bro. You aren't going to blow up a single thing without me there."

"You and Guy Fawkes would've been best buds."

"I was totally born in the wrong century."