"You can't plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there." – John Alejandro King

Date: August 27th – September 4th, 2017

Occasion: Burning Man

Country: United States

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XXVI | Virgin No More

Scene I. Middle of nowhere.

Enter JENNY and CORBYN, a brother and sister duo who were dragged to the Burning Man festival against their own will, and are on a road trip to the Black Rock Desert. Neither give a damn about burning men of any sort. THEIR PARENTS start singing. Jenny and Corbyn groan in unison.

JENNY
Are you purposely trying to make my ears bleed?

CORBYN
You do that to me every day with your shower singing, so this is just payback.

JENNY
Aren't you forgetting that you're listening to this ear-splitting crap too?

PARENTS
I will alwaaaaaays loooooove youuuuuu!

Corbyn and Jenny cringe because the former is into alternative and rap music while the latter adores every song on the pop charts. Whitney Houston does not fit into either of those categories. Even though the parents try to be relatable, they'd listen to music from the Stone Age if they could.

CORBYN
Ugh, old people music!

PARENTS
The wheels on the car go round and–

CORBYN
Mom, dad?

DAD
Oh, so now you've finally decided to address us like human beings? About time. We've waited seventeen whole years–

CORBYN
Well, you're going to have to wait a lot longer, because if you two stop singing nursery rhymes or whatever, I'll make sure the wheels on the car never go round again.

DAD
–Corbyn, and you know how hard it is to raise someone who smashed a plate of mashed potatoes on their classmate's face?

JENNY
I helped!

DAD
Shush, delinquent. Let me rant like a normal parent. Anyway, you two've been kicked out of school five times! Each! We've tried private schools, public schools, boarding schools, we accidentally contacted a whore college–

CORBYN
Well, at least we got them to stop singing.

JENNY
Don't be so sure. Mom still seems to be in the mood to belt out some more opera style Whitney Houston.

DAD
–Over two hundred pages of paperwork, a marred reputation, a lady who still has it out for you guys ever since you spray painted bad words on the walls of her house–

JENNY
That crazy lady made her cats attack us!

CORBYN
Yeah, I still have the scars! Cats are malicious, but then again, so is Jenny.

JENNY
Aw, thanks bro! I hate you too.

DAD
–And don't even get me started on that kindergartener teacher who's out for my blood because I defended your stupid prank of replacing the hand wash with lube–

CORBYN
Dad, seriously. We get it. I'm–

MOM
Disobedient in a hundred different ways?

JENNY
Obsessed with lube?

DAD
Someone who emptied my bank account to buy two libraries worth of video games?

CORBYN
I was going to say misunderstood, but I suppose those work too.

MOM
Aw, honey, you're so cute!

MOM turns around in the passenger seat to pinch her son's cheeks. Corbyn splutters and tries to swat his overbearing mother away. Jenny has trouble holding back her giggles.  DAD grumbles under his breath because no one ever listens to him rant.

JENNY
Are we there yet?

DAD
Give me an N! Give me an O! What does that spell? Hell no!

CORBYN
Dad, did you ever actually go to school?

DAD
Maybe, maybe not. Why do you ask?

CORBYN
Because hell no has six letters, not two.

JENNY
Are we there yet?

DAD
Yes, I'm just looking for somewhere to park so I can kick you out of this car and leave you stranded on the side of the street.

JENNY
I'd be cool with that.

DAD
Man, I regret having children.

Exit family.

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Scene II. Still the middle of nowhere.

Enter Jenny and Corbyn, who have been trying to find service so that they can use their data and listen to music on Spotify. Their parents are chatting to each other. Suddenly, spluttering sounds are heard. Everyone feels a strange jerk near their navel before the car slowly rumbles to a stop.

JENNY
Corbyn!

CORBYN
What? What'd I do?

JENNY
I don't know, but I'm blaming you anyway.

CORBYN
Wow, I see why you qualify for the Sister of the Year award now.

JENNY
I know, no need to emphasise how fabulous I am. Honestly, Corbyn, you have the potential to not look like a homeless person. I mean, a bit of gel and a leather jacket could–

DAD
I think we've got bigger problems than talking about what Corbyn would look like if he wore clothes that came straight out of Grease.

JENNY
See? That's what I'm talking about! Grease! You need to grease your–

MOM
We're out of gas.

Jenny abruptly stops in the middle of her sentence and gapes at her mother with an expression fish would be jealous of. Corbyn almost chokes on his own spit, before realising that being stuck in the middle of a desert area renders one's mouth completely dry. He literally has no saliva left.

JENNY
You're kidding.

DAD
No kids, kiddo. The tank is empty.

CORBYN
Are there any gas stations around here?

DAD
Oh, sure. Let me just call 1800-Imaginary-Gas-Station, or better yet, ask a camel nearby.

JENNY
Camels? Camels where? I wanna see!

DAD
Where did I go wrong with these kids?

MOM
Look, we're practically there anyway. We could just get out of the car and walk a few miles, stretch our legs. It'll be fun! There's not much longer to go. I mean, we're in the desert.

JENNY
According to that old piece of paper. Seriously, who even uses paper maps anymore? Didn't those go extinct in, like, the 19th century?

DAD
Jen, imaginary objects don't go extinct.

JENNY
Says who? Don't make paper feel unappreciated.

DAD
You can go shove your unappreciated paper up a– honey? What are you doing?

Their mom had already clambered out of the car at this point and glanced back at the arguing family. Like in pretty much all of the other families I've written about, the mother is the only one with any sort of common sense. The rest are pretty much high school dropouts, I've given up hope on them.

MOM
Walking to the festival, of course.

DAD
Honey, when I said you were sizzling hot on our first date, I didn't mean it literally.

CORBYN
Ugh, PDA much?

JENNY
Oh, like you weren't getting cozy with that Valentina chick two weeks ago, hypocrite.

DAD
What?

CORBYN
Right, and you think you're getting off the hook because Brad was 'just a fling'?

DAD
What?

MOM
Come on, you three! I don't care about your love lives. I want you to march. Hup! Two, three, four. Hup! Two, three, four.

The rest of the family quickly scramble out of the car because that woman turns into a frenzied psychopath when she's mad, even though she seems so sweet. Their mom starts telling them all about the Burning Man's history and a bunch of crap none of them actually care about. But I promise that it's actually a very interesting occasion. These people are just unappreciative assholes.

MOM
Did you know that every year, Black Rock City becomes Nevada's third biggest city? Isn't that amazing? I adore the culture of this festival.

JENNY
Mom, don't forget that it's also the grimiest festival ever. This is when they tell Burning Man newbies to dive on the ground, roll in the dust, and shout, "I'm no longer a virgin!"

Mom, Dad, and Corbyn stare at her speechlessly. Jenny is picking her nails but looks up at the silence, since she knows a strangely large amount of facts about Burning Man for someone who is a Burning Man virgin herself. Man, I feel so dirty writing that. Bring out the holy water!

JENNY
What? I did a bit of research before we lost all service connection.

CORBYN
That fact is disturbing on so many levels.

DAD
Did you guys know that everything at the festival is built by the participants? Cathedrals and tiny buildings and loads of artwork. We should have made something nice.

CORBYN
Yeah, but isn't this also the place where an armpit smelling booth used to exist?

Mom, Dad, and Jenny blink at Corbyn, who shrugs and brushes some specks of desert sand off his shoulder in that typical suave, bad boy manner. Yes, my male characters are either dicks to humanity or naive boys who accidentally call their future lovers. I am aware.

CORBYN
When teachers talk about armpits in history class, I listen.

DAD
Since when have you actually been present in history class?

CORBYN
Whenever they teach about interesting stuff. Like armpits. Duh.

MOM
Shall we move away from the topic of armpits? I think we should sing some more. The wheels on the bus go round and round–

CORBYN
Moooooooooom!

JENNY
Look what you made me do, look what you made me do, look what you just–

DAD
I regret my life decisions.

Exit family.

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Scene III. Burning Man Festival. Amongst artsy stuff.

Enter the family, who have finally finished spouting facts about virgins and armpits. Mom and Jenny wander among the architecture.

MOM
What's that?

JENNY
A giant sculpture of a scorpion.

MOM
What's that over there?

JENNY
Charlie the Unicorn.

MOM
What's this?

JENNY
Proof that illuminati is real.

MOM
That's beautiful! What is that?

JENNY
Mom, it's graffiti depicting genitalia.

MOM
Well, it's beautiful if you picture it as a water fountain.

JENNY
Ugh, let's go find Dad and Corbyn before someone starts grinding on me.

MOM
Fine, let's go.

Exit Mom and Jenny.

Enter Dad and Corbyn, who are pouring ice over their heads before jumping into the giant ball pit. On second thought, I've changed my mind. This festival is whack. Corbyn dives straight into the middle of the balls and is instantly buried under a pool of, well, balls. Feel free to scream "EWW!"

CORBYN
Ouch! Did that guy just throw a ball at me?

DAD
Um, yeah, sure. Definitely that guy.

CORBYN
Dad! Why the hell did you throw a ball at me?

DAD
What? You need to get into the spirit.

Without further ado, Dad scoops up an armload of plastic balls and begins hurling them at Corbyn, who recoils and submerges himself under the rainbow colours. Jenny and Mom come across them at this moment as Corbyn starts yelling at his Dad to stop.

CORBYN
Woah– pftt– dad– stop!

DAD
This is seventeen years worth of payback!

Corbyn, seething, climbs out of the pit and stands at the edge with his arms crossed tightly, frowning at his Dad. His Dad stops, once realising that Corbyn is actually serious about not wanting to be pelted by balls.

CORBYN
What kind of braindead idiot came up with this idea? I'm done. I never wanted to be here anyway. I'm going back to the car.

JENNY
Corbyn!

CORBYN
Don't start, Jen.

DAD
Corbyn!

CORBYN
Dad, you just pelted me with plastic balls. I don't think you have a right to protest.

MOM
Corbyn!

CORBYN
Can you three just leave me alone?

MOM
Young man, you are going to stay right here.

CORBYN
Ugh, whatever, just make the lecture quick.

MOM
We know you both aren't a fan of Burning Man, but that's why we brought you along.

JENNY
If you two built a torture chamber for us as payback for our antics, now would be a good time to mention it.

MOM
Look, you're both delinquents. We know. You've damaged up our car enough for me to realise that. But we didn't bring you here to change you. We brought you here to discover yourselves. Burning Man is all about self-reliance and self-expression, you see, and you've been hiding under those rebellious personas for your entire lives. We wanted to give you a chance to change that.

DAD
Yeah, what she said. I just came for the ball pit and free bacon, but sure.

CORBYN
And how does that change my opinion?

JENNY
Um, did you not just hear dad say free bacon? I'm so down for that.

DAD
Corbyn, stay for the bacon. If nothing else is an incentive for you, bacon must be.

Corbyn glares at them for a split second before sighing in defeat.

CORBYN
Fine, I can't say no to bacon.

MOM
I'm glad you changed your mind, Corbyn. I means a lot to me and your father.

DAD
So, who wants to get back into the ball pit?

Corbyn, Jenny, and their mom glare at him, before each grabbing a plastic ball and pelting him with it as hard as they can.

DAD
Okay, I deserved that.

They camp out at the festival for the next week and do loads of cool stuff there. You can Google that, I'm not searching it up. Anywho, the kids realise that Burning Man is a festivity worth celebrating, and guess what? They live happily ever after.

But Corbyn and Jenny get kicked out of three more schools after this, so that aspect of their behavior hasn't changed a bit.

Exeunt.

~~~

A/N: This is still (to this day) the strangest chapter I've ever written, but from a non-American standpoint, the concept of Burning Man in of itself is mind-boggling to me o_O