"Canada has always been there to help people who need it." – Justin Trudeau

Date: July 1st, 2017

Occasion: Canada Day (previously acknowledged as Dominion Day)

Country: Canada

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XXII | Maple Madness

You know what day today is? Probably not. Do I know what today is? Well, to tell you the truth, I barely remember what year it is. Ah, the perks of being a university student. But I did open Twitter this morning to see a flood of maple leaf emojis and hashtags about hockey, so I assume it's our favorite time of year, Canada Day! Now, I may not have learned much about quantum physics up here in the Arctic land of moose, but I do know a thing or two about Canada.

You see, Canada was not always an independent country who don't need no Empire to govern it. Canada Day marks the occasion when Canada was born, and I mean this in a figurative sense. Imagine squeezing an entire country out of the womb. Anyway, moving on. Back in 1867, some dudes decided to merge three provinces – Scotia, New Brunswick and Canada – into one huge province, as if those people believed that they could control that many citizens under one government. Pshhh, noobs.

The gigantic Canada province obviously didn't last long and was later reasonably split into Ontario and Quebec, even though the whole country itself is called Canada because people are too lazy to refer to separate provinces. Fair enough. I took a geography class in high school, and the moment I learned that the United Kingdom is actually made up of four countries, I was gone. Dropped out the next day. Also, I'm not sure how united the Kingdom is anymore, considering Brexit happened, but I'm not one to dabble in politics.

The point is, even though Canada started to Canada during the mid-1800s, the British Empire still intended on controlling them, because the Brits were control freaks at the time. Just look at King George III and his relationship with the States. He was willing to kill their friends and family to remind them of his love. What a dude, dude.

But, Canada put their foot down in a move that totally contradicted their polite stereotype, and fought back against the Brits, eventually breaking up with the Empire in 1982 and finally gaining independence. Maybe maple syrup gave them so much adrenaline that they just jumped the Brits, who were freaked out by their sugar rushes and thus left them be. I like to imagine that that's what happened to them. Maybe I should write a novel about it.

Even so, the Canadians, redeeming their polite reputation, stayed on good terms with the British Empire, so that the Queen remains the Monarch and Head of State in Canada. Aw, how nice. The Queen, after all, is a queen, and no one better disrespect the queen. So, that was the tale of Canadian independence, but this story is far from over, oh no. I have loads more to talk about, so grab some popcorn and sit your butt down somewhere comfy, because we're going to be here for at least another two thousand words.

I hear you ask, that was the story of Canada standing up for themselves, but what the hell is Dominion Day? A national holiday when everyone orders pizza from Dominos and downs five glasses of wine in a single night? I wish. I've been writing letters to Justin Trudeau, asking if he would make that an official holiday. He hasn't responded yet. I wonder why? Maybe he doesn't like pizza. Gasp! Who wouldn't like pizza? The horror. I almost cried just typing that sentence.

Oh yeah, back to Dominion Day. So, a guy came up with the idea of a national holiday regarding the formation of Reasonably Split Canada in 1879. Guess what he called it? Dominion Day. The word dominion supposedly originated from the Old Testament, so it has nothing to do with pizza, to my disappointment. Even so, up until 1917, the Canadians were like, "what the hell? We're still Brits, you pleb," so Dominion Day wasn't widely acknowledged as a legit holiday for decades.

Then, because Dominion Day just wasn't catchy, the Canadian Parliament tried to rename it, but their attempts didn't live up to their boasts. Everyone disagreed with each other and they got nowhere. To be honest, they should've just flipped a coin. It would've saved a lot of time and shouting matches. But, eventually, sometime in the mid-20th century, Dominion Day would emerge as the sparkling new Canada Day. Now, this article is supposed to be satirical, so don't take this to heart, but what the Canadian government made up for in politeness, they apparently lacked in originality.

This Canada day is what we celebrate here, the country which snows all year round and polar bears ice skate across our streets, according to basically every foreigner. Whatever. We embrace our stereotypes. So, each year on July 1st, Canada Day is celebrated, and not just by Canadians, but loads of people around the world. I hear London has some cool stuff going down. I may have also misheard, but I think they have a Maple Leaf bar? Kudos to the Brits.

Even so, no one celebrates Canada Day better than Canada does, so I'm going to show you exactly why we care about July 1st so much. Buy some Tim Hortons and put on your toques, because us Canadians are about to get festive. After all, we can't let Americans and their Fourth of July have all the fun. Move over, eagles, because the moose are in town.

THE CONCERTS are always a major player in hyping up the crowd. The heart of the Canada Day festivities is always held in Ottawa, the nation's capital, so the famous people flock there. Live music pounding against your eardrums, thousands of people screaming the lyrics to their favorite songs. You name it, it's there. Ottawa is party central on the first of July, and when you have wonderful Canadian singers such as Alessia Cara performing there, it's no wonder.

Not only are the concerts a fun time, getting to meet the famous artists of the nation, and bopping along to the latest bops within a sea of red and white, but the national anthem is also a must, of course, along with the song O Canada. Both are classics, and it's not Canada Day if you're not bellowing the lyrics at the top of your lungs sometime during the day.

THE FESTIVALS around the rest of Canada, sans Ottawa because I just talked about it, are no less impressive than our capital. From maple syrup to maple leaves, to maple balloons and maple flag faces, every festival is splattered with maple, like someone shot a gigantic red and white paintball at us. Actually, that would be a good tradition! Annual paintball fights, to mimic guns and fights and stuff, ya know. National pride. I need to get Trudeau on the phone again.

The point is, the festivals are everywhere, like a disease that doesn't kill anyone and is actually fun. What a wonderful world we would live in if all diseases were like that. Then I would actually stay awake in biology lectures. Pah, who am I kidding? I skipped every bio lecture on my schedule this year. Still passed the class with a C, though. Not bad for someone who procrastinates procrastinating, eh? Anyway, enough about me. Back to the maple syrup and polar bears.

THE PARADES mean that drivers who live near the Port of Vancouver need to leave their cars at home and find other means of transportation. Ah, those plebs. Finally getting a taste of their own medicine when they honk at me on my bike. What? Bikes are way more eco-friendly. See? Canada Day helps save the environment too. Another display of our awesomeness right here.

From floats that are designed to look like Canada birthday cakes, to women dressed in flamboyant feathers and lingerie, we have everything at these parades. Nothing goes too far on Canada Day, unless you disrespect something about the nation. We may be able to tolerate stereotypes and gags at our expense on any other day, but on this day? If you insult the nation, you're getting the boot, and a-boot damn time, too.

THE COLORS should also be discussed, eh? Now, almost every festivity has some colors attached to it. Red and green for Christmas, pink for Valentine's Day, pastels for Easter. But for us Canadians, red and white is the way to go, since they're the colors of our maple leaf country flag. Of course, they're also the colors of Japan and Denmark and Poland and more, but they can celebrate their own special days later. For now, Canada has the spotlight, alright? We deserve at least a teensy bit of attention every now and then.

Now, another history lesson seems to be in order, so shall we launch straight into it? The colors of the Canadian flag actually do have a backstory, believe it or not. Don't worry, you won't need any tissues or depression violin music for this. The colors were decided by King George V in 1921, where red represents England and white represents France, since those respective countries have used those colors in the past. Neat, eh? What do we call that ship name? Frengland? Englance? I suppose Canada sounds more professional.

THE FIREWORKS are one of the biggest attractions of the night. If anything, stay for the fireworks. It's basically Canadian Guy Fawkes, but without the dude who tried to blow up the English Parliament. More on that later. Back to Canada. In most of the big Canadian cities, the sky lights up in celebration of Canadian Independence with fireworks galore. Explosions in every color of the rainbow streak across the night, probably increasing pollution but whatever, let us enjoy these legal explosives while they last.

Not only do the fireworks light up most cities, but the 3D Toronto sign also shines bright enough to make it into most news articles on July 2nd. Move over, Paris, because we have another city of lights in town! This year, 2017, is also the 150 year anniversary of the year Canada started to Canada, so the explosions are going to be extra special. More than 15000 fireworks are going to be set off around the nation over 20 minutes and 17 seconds. That's a ton of light pollution.

THE NATURE of Canada should also be appreciated, of course, and the mountains in particular are a great place to spend the day. Who loves hiking? I sure don't. Too much exercise. I get winded when I reach for my phone charger cord and usually end up letting my phone die. RIP phone battery. Every single time. But if you're one of those outdoorsy people who loves to soak in what Mother Nature has to offer, then why don't you hike up the Tunnel Mountain Summit trail in the Canadian Rockies, or the Caribou Mountain Trail in Yukon? Just make sure not to plunge to your death on the way down. That would put a damper on the day.

A place where you're less likely to die by falling thousands of meters down, is a beach. If you prefer to stay alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Sorry, my roommate's been blasting that song all morning. It's catchy, alright? Don't judge. The point is, Canada has some awesome beaches where you can splash the day away and drift into the sea, away from humankind. That sounds great to me. Besides, July is basically midsummer, so take advantage of those golden rays of UV death and tan until you look like you were dunked in a vat full of Cheeto powder.

You know those fantastical fables where elves and sprites and other magical creatures emerge in the deep, dark, shadowy woods? Well, you can try your luck at seeing if that comes to a reality by camping in said woods for Canada Day! After all, we probably have enough forests to fill a billion oxygen tanks. Plus, you have another chance to escape from other humans by camping in places such as the Pacific Rim National Park in British Columbia, or the Algonquin Park in Ontario. Just make sure to stay away from bears. Not all of them are as friendly as Pooh.

Now, what better way than to end the nature section with The Great Trail? Sounds awesome, right? Just stick the adjective great behind any noun and you can make it sound like the most awesome thing in the universe. Anyway, did I mention that 2017 is the 150 year anniversary of Canada? Well, that's special, so in true Canada fashion, we decided to show off more trees and build the longest recreational trail in the world. Go ahead and celebrate Canada Day with this special trail that lets you see all the nooks and crannies of our beautiful country. Through this, you can immerse yourself in Canadian nature, but still be close enough to a major city to stock up on Tim Hortons. A win-win situation, amirite?

THE OTHER ways you can celebrate this occasion, especially if you're not fortunate enough to live where Tim Hortons is practically a religion and moose run around on the streets, is through more demure means. For example, picnics. Who doesn't enjoy a nice picnic? July typically marks the warmest time of year, except those in the down under, of course, who're probably suffering from frostbite and various degrees of flu. Wait, no, Australia never dips below volcano temperatures. Maybe I meant New Zealand. They have penguins, right?

Meanwhile, for some reason, exercise appears to be a fairly popular thing here, so we also have fitness classes across the country on Canada Day! I wasn't sure whether to put an exclamation mark or not, but I'm pretending to be excited for the fitness junkies reading this. You can get your Zumba on or join a CrossFit program in Regina, or Québec City, and more places, and channel that celebration adrenalin into blood, sweat, and tears at the gym. At least, that's how I think of exercise. Blood, sweat, and tears. One does not come without the others.

Also, of course, how can I forget the food? As I keep mentioning throughout this article, Tim Hortons is basically a religion here, and one does not simply allow a Canada Day to pass by without stopping by this fast food chain to grab a coffee and a donut. Not only is Tim Hortons a must, but you have to try out the poutine in Montreal. Some of the best in the country, I swear. If you don't know what poutine is, firstly, have you been living under a rock? Secondly, it's a dish traditionally composed of French fries, cheese curds, and gravy. Sounds like slop, but my taste buds cry of joy whenever I get the chance to eat it. Don't knock it 'till you try it!

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. Let's wrap this up. So, Canada Day. Pretty interesting, huh? There's a lot more to us than you probably thought, and when you think of the first of July, your mind should always jump to Canada. We're referred to as America's attic or hat, and this may geographically be true, but remember that we are our own country. As the second largest country in the world by land mass, we do have a fair amount of influence on the world, but for the record, our stereotypically polite reputation didn't come out of nowhere.

The independence of Canada had a drastic impact on the world as we know it, establishing a whole new nation and loosening the reins of the British Empire. It was another symbol of freedom and a step towards democracy, inspiring many other countries to take on the same political system. We're not only celebrating Canada, but also independence, and if you ever need to be reminded of how cool we are, keep in mind that Santa is an official Canadian citizen.