"Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad."
– Anne Geddes

Date:
Third Sunday of June (US, UK, CAN)
First Sunday in September (AUS, NZ)
Second Sunday of August (BRA)
December 5th (THA)

Occasion: Father's Day

Country: Worldwide

■ □ ■ □ ■ □ ■ □

XVIII | Nice Blokes and Dad Jokes

"This is Westerden Optometrist, what are your–"

"Tristan! Are you there?"

"Dad? Why are you out of breath? Are you running a marathon, even though your daily exercise consists of walking to the fridge a couple of times?"

"Are you saying I'm non-athletic?"

"You're usually on the verge of collapse after reaching for the TV remote."

"Changing channels is enough of a struggle as it is, Tristan, don't make fun of it."

"Dad, why did you call me?"

"Can't a father have a civilised conversation with his son if he feels like it?"

"Not when the father is three rooms away from the son."

"Ooh, savage. What do you youngsters call it nowadays? Roasting? A burn?"

"Dad, please don't."

"Ah yes, burn! You roasted me like a turkey. Does that make me sound hip?"

"Not in a billion light years."

"Why you gotta be so rude?"

"Don't you know I'm– argh, dad, stop changing the subject! Faith, stop laughing. He's not funny."

"Oh, is your girlfriend there with you?"

"No, Dad, I named my desk Faith."

"Is that sarcasm? I don't do sarcasm."

"You can't do sarcasm."

"You can if you–"

"Don't finish that sentence!"

"–hang around sarcastic people."

"Oh, that's what you meant."

"What were you thinking?"

"Um, er, look! A rainbow unicorn wearing a fez. What a sight!"

"Kiddo, you're on the phone. I can't see your imaginary rainbow unicorn."

"Pshhh, phone? What's that?"

"A phone is a handheld device that allows individuals to make calls."

"Yes, thank you for being a human dictionary, captain obvious."

"I actually searched that up on my phone, but I appreciate the compliment, son."

"Why'd you call me son? You never call me son. What did you do?"

"Well–"

"I'm not helping you hide the body!"

"What?"

"What?"

"Tristan, last I recall, I wasn't homicidal. Want me to roll a dice and check?"

"No, thanks. We don't need you gouging human eyes out of their sockets, thank you very much, and even if you do, I don't want to know about it."

"Well, if the human is dead–"

"Dad, that's horrible! Did someone gouge out your morals?"

"Hey son, want to hear a joke?"

"Let me flip my imaginary coin. Wait, there's no need, because I don't."

"Too bad, I'm saying it anyway."

"Ugh, what's the use of having an opinion if no one in this household cares about it?"

"Tristan, we're at work, not at home."

"We have pizza down one road, an ice cream store down another, enough blankets to cover the surface area of Russia, and a plethora of liquid substances to drink, though most of them are probably toxic. I'd say we're provisioned rather well."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. What happened to one of them?"

"Did they live happily ever after in their cozy burrow with lots of pizza?"

"Nope, one of them was a salted. Haha!"

"My ears are flaming as much as your roasted turkey."

"I know you secretly love my dad jokes."

"Why do you keep referring to me as your son and yourself as my dad?"

"Maybe because it says so on your birth certificate?"

"Touché, but even so, you're doing it than usual, and it's super weird."

"Give the phone to Faith."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it, don't let your dreams be–"

"Okay, I've heard enough, holy shoot. I'm giving the phone, giving the phone right now. Hold on a second."

"Hey Faith, what's up?"

"Dad, it's still me."

"What? Er, I mean, of course I knew that. Why are you still on the line?"

"The cord on this phone is stuck! Why did we buy a phone with a cord? That's so medieval. We're in 2017 now."

"There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned sometimes, son."

"Mr Gray, I'm your son."

"Wait, Faith, is that you?"

"Present and ready to roll, sir."

"Could you please do me a favor?"

"Is that a please with a cherry on top?"

"If I had time to go out to the ice cream shop nearby and buy a sundae with a cherry on top, I totally would. Does that count?"

"Depends on what the favour is."

"Could you give my son a gentle slap?"

"Oh, I thought that would be a difficult favor. You don't even need to ask."

"..."

"..."

"Woah there, I said slap him, not disembowel him! What are you doing?"

"Don't worry, he's fine. Well, he's rather shaken up, but a-okay."

"You know that telling me not to worry increases the worry factor, right?"

"Anyhow, why exactly am I slapping my boyfriend?"

"Well, it's a special day for a nice bloke with some snazzy glasses, nice blue eyes, and superbly refined optometrist skills–"

"He's you, isn't he?"

"Wha– how did you know?"

"Just a hunch."

"Anyway, it's Father's Day."

"Er, I still don't understand why you're telling me this, sir."

"Well, my son treats Father's Day like any other ordinary day. I admit I'm at fault for that, because I raised him to be desensitized to emotions, but now that I'm aging, I've begun wishing for a day when he treats me like a father instead of a coworker."

"Wow, I shed a tear at that. It's nice to know you have a heart, Mr Gray.

"Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest, do you want to hear a dad joke?"

"About as much as I want to bash my head repeatedly on a wall."

"How do you make holy water?"

"Oh wait, do you know how? Please brew me a pot, because the last time I watched Game of Thrones with your son, the characters–"

"You boil the hell out of it. Haha!"

"Oh no, I'm so done. I'm giving this phone back to you, Tristan. I don't want to hear this anymore. Sayonara, au revoir, ciao, goodnight!"

"She seems disgruntled."

"Yes, dad, you don't say?"

"I wonder why?"

"Perhaps it's because you're way too awesome for her to handle."

"Wait, what did you just say? Is an alien possessing you? I swear you haven't acknowledged my parenting since–"

"Faith was on speakerphone the whole time."

"Oh, that explains a lot."

"Dad, how do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?"

"What? How am I supposed to know that? Do toads get horny? I should Google that."

"No need. A frog says, ribbit, ribbit, and a horny toad says, rub it, rub it."

"I don't know whether to hug you or ground you for that terrible joke."

"Can you let me off for Father's Day?"

"Fine, just this once. Virtual hug?"

"Hug rejected."

"It's nice to know that some things never change."

"Happy Father's day, Dad."

"Son, what cheese can never be yours?"

"What?"

"Nacho cheese."

"Get out."