"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles." – Christopher Reeve

Date: April 28th, 2017

Occasion: National Heroes Day

Country: Barbados

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IX | Heroes of our Generation

"Hello?"

"Good morning, Miss Boyce."

"Wait, who is this? Am I being stalked by a perverted creeper?"

"Does your teacher count as a perverted creeper?"

"Ooh... that's not good."

"Honestly, don't you recognise my voice?"

"With all due respect, sir, if I was a billionaire with voice recognition spy technology, I wouldn't even be going to school, would I? How could I recognise your voice?"

"You use your ears, Miss Boyce."

"You need to work on your comebacks, sir."

"Well, you need to work on your voice recognition ability, so we're even."

"So, Mr Jones, why did you call me?"

"What, can't a teacher have a nice chat with his student in the middle of the school day without rising a dozen notches on the Creep'O'Meter?"

"It's not against the rules, but it sure is creepy."

"Fine, whatever, I guess I'll reveal my secret plans to become the Supreme Ruler of the Universe."

"Ooh, can I be your right hand man?"

"Buy me chocolate and we'll talk."

"Never mind then, I didn't think it would actually require spending money on my part. Now, why did you call me?"

"Since today's a public holiday, I've decided to call my students and quiz them about National Heroes Day."

"Okay, you clearly don't have a life."

"Do you have a switch that's permanently set to rude?"

"Anyway, there's a legit reason why today is a public holiday? I thought it was National Stay Home and Binge On Pizza day!"

"Trust me, you're not the only one who wants that day to exist."

"National Pizza Day is on February 9th. Did you know that we consume 251,770,000 pounds of pepperonis every year? Also, Pizza Hut has 12,583 stores in over 90 countries. Isn't that just crazy?"

"I'm astounded about how you memorized those specific figures, yet even I managed to figure out how Snapchat worked before you did."

"Snapchat is dumb. And people only send pictures of their di–"

"What was that?"

"–amond earrings?"

"Well, at least you can take a hint. Anyway, back to the quiz."

"Sir, I don't know anything about this day! You never taught us anything about it."

"Yeah? Well, by the end of this phone call, you'll be spouting facts from every orifice."

"Oh my god, that's so gross!"

"Ah yeah, that sounded far better in my head. Apologies for that horrifying mental image."

"I don't think an apology's going to cut it!"

"Look, I just meant that you're going to learn a lot of new facts today!"

"Well, you sound pretty confident for a guy who used his fiancé as a human shield when there was a daddy long legs in the corner of our classroom."

"That was one time, Boyce. One time!"

"So, how're the wedding preparations?"

"They're great, Claire's managed to find a dress which doesn't look like a floral explosion and– hey! Stop doing that!"

"Stop doing what?"

"Being so distracting! I have a life to live, you know. I can't waste all my time on you."

"How? You're like, ancient."

"I'm twenty-four!"

"You're not helping your case here."

"I'm seven years older than you!"

"I can eat a lot of pizza in seven years."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Are you frustrated, sir?"

"Beyond belief!"

"Yay, it worked!"

"Well, joke's on you. Now it's your turn to be frustrated, Miss Boyce."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Quiz time!"

"No, wait, I'm not ready!"

"First question, name some of the National Heroes of our generation."

"That's not a question!"

"Fine, first task."

"Do I have to answer it right now?"

"Yeah, like, right now. Go grab me a Unicorn Frappuccino and a Kylie Lip Kit while you're at it."

"I'm rather astounded that you know what those are."

"Oh please, you know I'm basic at heart."

"Ha, ha. Now, national heroes of Barbados, right? So, is Rihanna a valid answer?"

"What? No. I mean, yes! I mean, kind of. Not really. I mean, somewhat."

"You're giving me mixed signals here."

"How about we start with the man who fought for social justice and formed a political party called The Opposition?"

"Ah yeah, I think I remember who that was! Oh wait, no, it's gone."

"It's Samuel Jackman Prescod, you uncultured swine!"

"Firstly, wow, way to treat your beloved and treasurable student."

"There's nothing beloved or treasurable about you, kid."

"Secondly, isn't Samuel Jackman Prescod that dude who plays Nick Fury in The Avengers?"

"Er, I assume you're thinking of Saumel L. Jackson."

"So, which one's the reincarnation of the other?"

"They're not reincarnations of each– oh, never mind."

"We seem to do that a lot."

"What, never finish our sentences?"

"Nooooo, of course not, Captain Oblivious. I meant that we never open up frozen yoghurt shops, duh. What did you think I meant?"

"To be fair, I think it's hot enough here that we can eat ice cream."

"Mr Jones, this is Barbados."

"What's your point?"

"Coldness is a foreign concept here."

"That's not the– oi! Remind me when I get distracted."

"Why would I remind you to put me through more torture?"

"It's– well– er– you shush your mouth and its irksome reasoning."

"I have no idea why you're a teacher if you get distracted this easily."

"Anyway, who's the next National Hero?"

"Oh heck yeah, I got this. What's the name of that grumpy orange cat?"

"Uh, Garfield? How is that relevant?"

"Isn't it the name of one of your precious National Heroes?"

"They're not mine! Oh, and you mean Sir Garfield St. Aubyn Sobers, right?"

"Er, yeah, that guy. What did he do?"

"He was a cricket player who integrated apartheid countries through the sport, and he taught black children how to play cricket while racism was still going strong."

"I don't think there's been a time when racism hasn't been strong so far."

"Touché."

"So, did he come out of the womb with a cricket bat and glove in hand, or did this dude have to work, work, work, work, work, work?"

"I'm amazed at your ability to make Rihanna relevant in every single context."

"Thank you! I'd bow, but that means I'd have to get off my couch, so I won't."

"I'm not sure if he had cricket talent from the start, but he was amazing. When he was twenty one, he made a three hundred and sixty five, which broke a thirty-six year old record. The man was a cricket legend!"

"Mr Jones, please speak English for those of us who didn't come out of the womb with cricket bats in hand."

"Ugh, you're insufferable. Moving on to the next national hero. I'll give you a clue this time."

"Ooh, goody. I'm beside myself with joy."

"This person was known for being a pioneer at the forefront of the Caribbean trade union movement."

"Oh, come on! Handing me a stick of dynamite would've been a better clue."

"Tick tock, Miss Boyce."

"You're such a pain in the–"

"Yes, yes! I mean, no. Kind of."

"What are you on about?"

"His surname was Payne. What was his first name?"

"Liam?"

"No, it's–"

"Patrick?"

"Stop interrupting me! It's Clement."

"Clement Patrick Payne?"

"Clement Osbourne Payne."

"Well, trying to remember that is a payne in the ass–"

"Yes?"

"-assin."

"A pain in the assassin."

"Indeed."

"I'm cringing at that mental image."

"I would be concerned if you weren't."

"Well, I've been scarred by this whole conversation."

"That makes two of us."

"I think I've had enough of you for now, so I'll leave you to it, Miss Boyce."

"Thank god. Oh, and if you ever need a limo driver for your wedding, hit me up."

"Why do you have a limo driver on speed dial?"

"Never you mind, sir. Anyway, toodles! Work, work, work, work, work, work..."

"I'm going to go wash my ears with disinfectant."