M A N I K

"I can't... I just can't..." I lifted my eyes from the canvas to the tall slim frame laughing her heart out by the window of my dirty apartment. I wondered what made Noelle laugh so hard knowing that Doctor wasn't just a Doctor. She was a mentally unstable woman. Otherwise, who pushes a man into a lake? I wanted to know who.

"She literally...d-did, right?" She spoke puffing in heavy breaths in between her laughter. I said no more. What was so funny!

"Anyway, does this...." She poked my nose which was covered with a bandaid and I winced in slight pain. "..hurt?"

"Oww. Yes, you fool." I rubbed it lightly moving my face aside where she no longer could poke me and she bursted into a fit of laughter. Again.

It was all because of that Doctor. All because of her. Had it been any other person, I surely would've planned to get back but that certainly couldn't be what I was hoping to do. Jeez, she already was mental and Jesus knew what next she'd do if I myself walk into her den. For me, for her and for everyone else it was much better that I stayed away from her. Usually, it wasn't this difficult with my previous Doctors because all I had to do was plainly intimidate them but this time, this particular Doctor was a different story. As if, she liked to be challenged. She desired to be intimidated.

My fingers coated with colours started working back on the canvas. Something about painting calmed me always. Maybe, it was the touch of those colours or their fragrance that lingered long day in my nostrils. Other painters paint a bridge, a house, a boat...I want to paint the air. The air she would breathe in, the air that would cause her hair to fly, the air that would cause her long eyelashes to tremble and the air that would touch her skin beneath her clothes. I wanted her to promise me that she'll find her way back to me one day and that she'll see how madly in love with her I have always been.. and maybe that will be the day she'll let herself stay.

Gentle warmth of breath landed on my neck and I looked from the corner of my eyes Noelle bending over placing hands on her knees to study the painting. The cigarette in my other hand was nearly over and I dropped it on the floor squashing it with my sleeper. Finding the ashtray was a tiring job and my apartment already wasn't in a quite decent shape so who cares!

"She broke your heart. She broke you yet hers is the only face that you paint day and night." She sighed staying in the intact posture while i picked up another brush dipping it in the palette.

"Every night I bang my head against the wall, I think I'm one step closer to getting her out of my mind. But as the Sun shines the next day, she crawls back into my mind like she was never gone." My voice quivered.

I knew tears were pooling at the bridge of my eyes and thus inhaling hard, I pulled my pack of cigarette to lit another one.

"That's enough." She whisper-yelled pulling it out of my grip making me groan.

Flipping the cap of the box, I dashed another one in my lips hearing her groan in defeat. I couldn't string words together and didn't know what I was feeling as my mind circled in haze.

She coughed waving hand before her mouth. "Take it from me. One day you're going to either set this entire apartment on fire or choke yourself to death in this murderous smoke coming out of this filthy thing."

Nudging my shoulder, she gave me a hopeless nod before walking out of the door and leaving a bag full of food on the table. All I heard next was the shutting of my door.

I heard this voice inside my head telling me to hate myself.. that I will never be enough and when I cried at nights, I wished to feel dead inside for all the hurt that's left in me; I wanted it to vanish completely. My thoughts have been circling as I feel like screaming but no sound came out; all the air left my lungs except a silent cry in my soul.

When I sat alone with the only sound of my own breathing, I could felt this pain coming. It was burning from the inside like it surely was going to explode. I felt the tears in the corner of my eyes and the brush slipped from my fingers as I felt my breathing getting heavier. Something in my chest was clogging and I knew it was not the smoke but the pain mixed with it.

Putting hand on chest, I walked to my window where earlier Noelle stood and removing the thick curtain, I pushed the glass open letting the crispy air smoulder my skin. I could see all the smoke escaping the room and mixing in the cold night air into the sky letting the pain in my chest soothe a little.

Sometimes it's okay to have faith in the stars. Night after night, they'll be there for you even in the darkest of times when your closest ones leave you. Sometimes I confused her with the stars and that's why I whispered sweet nothings into the night. There was nothing scary about the darkness to me. I found the muted blue colors calming and beautiful. I could see distant stray cats hiding under the cars, the mild night breeze against my skin and heard the wind. Nighttime, however, was a completely different experience.

Few loud knocks on my door drifted my attention but I chose to have them unheard. I hated having visitors although the only one I had was Noelle. My skin felt the speed of the chilly wind increasing and smoke started coming out of my mouth as I exhaled in the cold. This time, the knocks increased and I sighed tearing my gaze apart from the serene view. I swear to God if it would be the ever so irritating Mr.Wilson trying to leave his dog with me, I might end up killing him tonight together with his silly dog.

"Coming. Coming!" I yelled hearing the knocks grow impatient.

Twisting the knob as I swung the door open, another shock of my life awaited me. It was her.

Dr. Nandini Murthy stood at my doorstep lowering her head. The moment I saw her presence, flashes of her previous insult which caused me tons of embarrassment at the park rushed blood to my head and instantly, I shut the door right on her face.

As I heard her wincing, I realised her tiny fingers came in between the door and I withdrew swiftly. To my surprise, pushing her way to the room, she stood in the centre of the room with her back facing me as I stood holding the knob, stupidly. Her walk seemed a little sluggish and the bottle in her hand confirmed my suspicion that she was drunk.

"I really won't hesitate calling the police and getting a restraint order." I threatened seeing her not move around. This girl really tested my patience all the fucking time.

"Hey! You! Leave my house!" Twisting her elbow as I was about to drag her, out of nowhere she placed her index finger on my lips shushing me and my eyes widened at the touch of her cold skin against my lips.

Her eyes were fiery and little dull at the same time. Her face was wet and she surely wasn't wearing any makeup for I could see few light freckles on her cheeks. Her orbs were red like they cried since hours and her breaths, toxic.

I distanced from her touch by taking a step back and she sighed closing her eyes, making her way to my couch where piles of clothes rested. Usually, any normal human being would keep on ranting about the unorganised way I survived but she simply sat down without a protest. Comprehension dawned upon me that something wasn't right with her.

Few giggles by the door tore my attention and my lips pursed finding few notorious kids from the upper flat spying on. People always were curious about my closed lifestyle and I hated when their curiosities crossed limits.

"Brats, what you looking at? Get out!" I yelled shutting the door with a bang and their soft giggles died.

There was this awkwardness hanging in the air between us as without a sour word, I slowly moved to my chair opposite to the couch she rested upon. From time to time she kept taking sips from her bottle watching my every clumsy movement and I hated the fact that she was the one being in charge here.

"You have to leave my apartment." I spoke out looking into her reddened eyes and she took in a sharp breath.

"I'm the girl that talks others out of suicide but has a hard time doing the same for herself. She truthfully assures everyone how beautiful, wonderful, precious they are because she doesn't want them to feel the same way she had." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she kept gazing at the carpet beneath my feet.

"That's sad but then you can always get yourself a counsellor if you want to help yourself out of this situation. But telling me these things aren't gonna change a thing between us. You and I.. are poles apart. So just get yourself together and .. leave." I uttered.

She nodded painfully not caring to wipe away her sad tears and stood up on her feet. Being assured of her departure, I walked up to the door holding it open for her but unfortunately, she chose to walk closer to my canvas which still had unfinished Kiara's painting.

"The one who breaks your heart cannot be the same one who pieces it back together." She murmured whilst her fingers glided down Kiara's face. The knob from my fingers slipped and the door closed with a creaking sound. I didn't know if she said those words referring to her condition or mine but they carried a huge effect on the broken pieces of my heart.

Nandini wasn't the same today. She looked defeated, vulnerable and everything that under this Sun I never witnessed her becoming. In my mind, I always had this irritating image of hers and when today she was being this fragile I didn't know why I couldn't be that harsh on her.

I looked out of the window and learnt that it started snowing. Few pieces of snowflakes entered through the window and I moved closer to slide it close. It would've been an awful and merciless decision to get her leave the apartment under such a climatic condition but then it frustrated me not knowing what the hell was I going to decide on.

I couldn't tolerate her presence but I couldn't kick her out as well; so the only option I had in my hand was for me to leave.

She was slurring something on her own and I failed to understand the reason of her showing up at my door, unforeseen. Whatever it was, I needed to get her out of my thinking system. Yes. Right. I walked up to Kiara's painting and covered it with the trace paper clipped at the head of the board and walked into my bedroom leaving an intoxicated Nandini in the living room.

I sat on the bed for quite some time but God knew why some other girl's being in my own apartment other than Kiara and Noelle was very unsettling. I was growing nervous each second. Jumpy, I ran hands down my face and neck and stood by window. The view wasn't exactly quite great as compared to the living room yet I could see the frozen lake and silent snow covering the dry land wherever I laid my eyes on. I won't lie but it calmed me a little. The entire earth was covered in a white blanket and whatever was detestable was hidden underneath. I wanted to know if the snowflakes were touching the skin of the woman I loved. I was jealous; jealous of what could those intricate things do but not my fingers.

An hour passed without even realising that and I still was by the window looking at the wet surroundings. The snowfall came to an end and I felt hot vapours forming on the glass escaping my lips. My thoughts went to Nandini and I wondered how I was undisturbed by Nandini for an entire hour. How could she survive that long? Or maybe, she quietly left as she wasn't quite sober herself. I decided to find out.

A sudden knot formed in my stomach when I found her sound asleep on my couch spreading her legs across the length lying down on my pile of clothes. She probably was feeling cold because she slept hugging a jacket of mine which she must've picked out from the pile. I, immediately wanted to thrush her out but the human inside me couldn't. The bottle was toppled over the ground and noiseless, I stepped closer. As I pulled the jacket out of her grip, although she was in deep slumber yet she moaned in protest and clutched arms across her chest feeling the sudden cold. Throwing my jacket away on the floor, I went inside my room.

In probably a minute I returned with a blanket in my hand and sighing at my own cluelessness, I did spread the blanket on her. A harmless smile formed at the corner of her lips and I thought to myself that her innocence wasn't itself too bad but only when she was sleeping. The moment she'll wake up she'll get back to being a pain in the ass. Mine especially.

I settled myself on the chair opposite to her couch and lit up a cigarette to keep my thoughts sane. With her lying before my eyes, soundless especially wrapped under my blanket wasn't letting me think straight. My eyes were fixed on her as I pulled up a leg to cross over the other but I didn't feel a thing. My chest was hollow these days and Nandini was taking my broken heart too lightly.

Nandini was too unpredictable. Maybe, different too. Maybe, her soul burned with a chaos which I couldn't understand. She made people dream colours of sunshine whereas I was used to dream about colours of goodbyes. Like, she was cut out from a different set of constellations. But somewhere she too was another Manik; struggling with her own ghosts.

She smiled softly as if she could read my thoughts with closed eyes, hiding deeper into the blanket and I slowly..very slowly, stared at the ceiling releasing the thick smoke parting my lips.

"She was Sunday;
warm linens
drowsy kisses
honey milk"

- Michale Verse and Vices

**

Thank you so much to everyone who gave their time to read the chapter. I'm grateful. Please don't forget to vote, comment and share as this really helps me stay motivated.

Xx