space is a happy fic 😀👊

;;

fate

was a funny word.

jeongguk didn't know
whether to believe in it
or not, whether to ponder
over giving it the slightest
bit of attention. but after a while
it became crystal clear.

his choice wasn't in
whether to have hope.
it was in working
around it to allow himself
to survive and push
forward against it.
it'd be useless if he
tried to ignore it. a waste
of space and time.

mr kim was intertwined
in his, somewhere. mr kim
remained the centre of his
universe. as far as he let his
teenage brain roam. mr kim,
the centre of his galaxy,
he remained the source of
his light and his warmth and
his happiness, his smiles and
all but as his smiles grew,
his sorrow did too.

the man had better things
to do. every second of the
day he desperately tried to
convince himself to move on
and that his fantasising would
get him nowhere. that taehyung
was his teacher and it was better
to get over him, right now to
avoid anything astronomical.

but with every passing day,
that sliver of hope only grew
more prevalent, an ember in
the ashes that lay, sunken in the
sullen pit of his chest.
with every passing hour,
the embers turned to flickering
flames, till they were fully
ignited under the mere thought
of the man's stare.

jeongguk prayed that he
could reverse time, in hope
that he could escape getting his
heart shattered. he wasn't sure
he could recover from something
so grave and misleading.

was that what taehyung was
doing? misleading him?

no, why would he do
such a thing?

here he was, letting his
insecurities get the most
of him. really, it couldn't be
helped, jeongguk doubted
himself so much to the
point that there wasn't
an ounce of confidence left
in his body when it came
to these matters.

why would anyone
want him anyway? he was
just a small, scrawny teenager
who probably bored the
hell out of the man.

but he didn't.

deep down, somewhere,
jeongguk knew that mr
kim wasn't just messing with
his feelings. unless he was blind.

if he was blind then so be it
because anyone else in his
situation would be blind too.

he wasn't. he wondered
were this would lead.

"thank you, jeongguk."
why was he so formal all
of a sudden, standing on the
doorstep like that. what happened
to 'sweetheart' and 'darling'
and all things in between?
his voice was rough, blunt,
it hurt in ways he hadn't thought
could ever hurt.

oh, his professionalism,
that's what happened.

he realised it the second his
mum's hand fell on his shoulder.
mr kim couldn't be the way he
was around him infront of
everyone. not a soul could
ever learn of something
so absurd.

"you're welcome, mr kim."
he too was quieter. he too was
cautious. it didn't matter that
his mother was aware, it didn't
matter that she wouldn't judge.
it was wrong. plain and simple
to say, painful to comprehend.

dinner hadn't been quite so
bad, actually. it was fine, taehyung
being taehyung had his way with
words that had his mother
mesmerized. she was fond of
him so that was a bonus. but he
hated it.

every second of it.

he hated it. he hated being
around anyone when mr kim was
in the picture. he wanted him
for himself and only himself.
he couldn't stand another
soul. it wouldn't matter of
course because their strange
relationship wouldn't progress
anywhere but he was so, so
hung up. he had to feel something.
anything to stop himself from
doing something that he'd regret.

that night, he lay in bed and
thought to himself.

what would their future
hold?

jeongguk saw a void.

he saw nothing but miles
and miles of empty space,
filling his very existence. he
floated in his insecurities,
unaware and fragile, a small
child in the vast universe that he
often forgot about. he hated
how much his thoughts were
consumed by him, how every
inch of his skin sizzled at the
feeling of his cool, ghost like
fingers against
the nape of his neck, his knuckles,
his hands, his hands, his hands,
jeongguk wanted so badly to
reach out and hold him but he
wasn't there. it was like he was
never there in the first place.

the hope in his heart was a
flickering flame. so easily
extinguishable yet alive, burning,
glowing, raging till it was tampered
with, till it fell into an abyss of
crumbling, bleak cinders and
collapsed into a dark oblivion.

an oblivion that was the void
of space.

space was beautiful, space was
stunning, it was sincere and serene
and it served us so dearly but it
was dark and dangerous and
twisted in directions that jeongguk
couldn't quite see. he didn't know
where he was going, which path he
was taking. all he knew was that
he was being engulfed.

his gaze flickered to the clock
on his wall as he took in the time
during his pointless mind storm.

midnight.

he hated this.

it was the same feeling each year.

he knew it was coming but when
it did, the pain that spread through
his body was unbearable, his thoughts
frightening and real.

the following afternoon, he
did something that he dearly
regretted.

he should have left while he
could without making it so
obvious how hurt he was inside.
he should have left before mr
kim could ever notice such a
thing. he should have left
before everything collapsed
in on itself and jeongguk broke
down.

he should have left.

"you're quiet."

he noticed.

of course he noticed,
why wouldn't he notice?
jeongguk was usually all
over him, he made it so
blatantly obvious that he
was attracted to him it
pained him beyond compare.
mr kim always seemed to
notice everything.

jeongguk stopped in
his tracks.

"you were quiet today."
the older male repeated.

it was true. jeongguk hadn't
spoken a word all lesson.
usually he had his hand up,
spoke his heart to him, held
his attention. but today..
nothing. jeongguk was
too drained to explain why.

"what's bothering you,
sweet."

so much.

he'd never been this
stressed in his life. he'd never
been his concerned, this
frightened. he'd never wanted
to be held so badly.
he wasn't even being pathetic
anymore. he wasn't being needy.

jeongguk had his reasons.

he turned with a reluctant
smile on his face, forced and
plastic.

"nothing, mr kim."

"it's definitely something.*

please, stop.

jeongguk gulped slightly.
he wondered what would
happen if he ever were to tell
him to break down then and
ther, right before his very eyes.

it'd be rather pathetic.
it'd only re-enforce what
he potentially thought of
him. a child, a weak, feeble
boy that was no one and
nothing in this world.

"really.. it's- nothing."
the tremble in his voice
was evident, he turned
his head away from the
older so he couldn't see the
silver lining his eyes. oh
god, not now, please.

"i really wish i
could believe that, dear."
mr kim let out a low,
emotionless chuckle.

he saw right past his
facade, right past everything
he tired to hide the pain
in his body language, the
pain in his eyes. far too good
at reading people for his
own wellbeing. far too self
aware.

far too much like jeongguk.

he couldn't turn and he couldn't
go, jeongguk didn't know what to
do. if he left, he'd be ignoring
him and it'd be even more
obvious that something was troubling
him. if he stayed, mr kim would see
a side of him that he didn't want
him to see. he didn't want anyone
to see him like this. not even his
own mother.

"i-i'm fine mr kim." it was
his decision then that compelled
him to take a few steps forward
away from his teacher, towards
the door, towards immediate
safety. why was it so that every
inch of his skin screamed for
warmth, just something. comfort.

slow, soft footsteps closed in on him.

and before he knew it, there was
a large hand on his shoulder.

jeongguk still didn't turn.

"it's not like you to
be this way." did he notice
that too? did he notice his
personality? if he noticed that
then he certainly would have
noticed the way he tensed under
his touch, the way his breath hitched,
the way his words were clogged
in his throat.

but for once..

just once..

it wasn't because of
taehyung.

it was more than that. far more
that he wished not to explain
but any second now, it would
happen, he wouldn't be able
to control himself. any second
now he'd break down and do
something stupid, he'd do
something far worse than attention
seeking. he didn't want any of that.
he didn't want to be with him yet,
he could only dream of it but
right this second, the pain in
his chest was unbearable.
no distraction could deter him
from what he truly felt.

hurt.

and when his shoulder was gently
pushed around, when he felt
two fingers rest under his chin
to tilt his face up towards him,
when he saw taehyung's face fall,
when he felt the silver spill from
his eyes, when he felt the hot raindrops
slide down the window of his
cheek, when he felt his cheeks burn
with shame, even when he
watched as his face distorted with
concern, with a fire, the flames
in his eyes
that he had never seen before.
jeongguk didn't fight mr kim's
warmth.

he just stood there.

limp in his grasp.

"jeongguk," a cold, cold
fingertip brushed his cheek,
leaving a trail of fired kisses
in its hazy wake. "jeongguk."
he repeated his name. jeongguk
wanted him to say it again, just
for the slightest reassurance that
he saw him, that this wasn't just
a fragment of his imagination again.
how fickle that would be.

his tears were unstoppable now.
they collapsed from his cheeks across
the canvas of his face and fell in
thick droplets to the floor, two
tumultuous rivers
escaping the prison of his eyes to
awaited freedom. he hated crying,
he hated everything.

"breathe." taehyung told him
to breathe, what breath was left
to breathe tho, there was nothing
but silent tears, tears that never
seemed to stop on this day.
why this day? that, taehyung couldn't
know.

it was less than a few seconds
before his shoulders started
shaking, till sobs erupted from
his core and his lungs clenched with
sorrow and pain, there was so much
pain. less than a few seconds before
jeongguk leaned his forehead
against taehyung's chest. against
his teacher's chest, less than a
few seconds till his tears drained
through him, soaked through his
shirt and onto his skin that felt
hot beneath the thin fabric.

a heartbeat till he was
enveloped in a warm embrace.

he cried for a few minutes,
waiting for himself to calm
down and stop; he didn't,
he just kept sobbing and
crying into the man's
chest as though he would
fix things. he couldn't. how could
he, what good would taehyung
do about the darkness that
consumed him?

"i'm sorry." the boy choked.
jeongguk
didn't know what he was
apologising for exactly but
he knew that he needed to.
felt the sudden urge to.
he was wasting mr kim's
time here- he shouldn't be
in his strong arms, he
shouldn't be leaning against
him this close, this was
affection that he shouldn't
be seeking from a man like
him. how pathetic.

"you have nothing to be
sorry for." mr kim replied,
a hand resting loosely
on his waist. it was firm
yet gentle, jeongguk barely
conscious of it.

any other day he
would have been a blushing
mess. any other day he
would never have dreamed
of this, of getting this close.
but today, well, today was
different. jeongguk had
shown taehyung something
that he dearly regretted.

"it's the anniversary of
my grandfather's death."
he muttered softly into the
man's chest, unsure of why
exactly he was telling him this.
it wasn't anything of his concern.
he shouldn't be thinking about
it so much.

mr kim didn't reply for a
while. jeongguk wondered
whether he'd heard him or
not, he was pretty sure he'd
heard it loud and clear.

"losing a loved one is
nothing you should be
sorry for," he said, voice
void of emotion. "do not
apologize for showing
signs of weakness, jeongguk.
you are strong for doing so."

the tears stopped.
the teen gazed up into the
older's dark eyes with
confusion.

"people don't take
you seriously if you cry." he
whispered, jaw clenched
as he swallowed a sob.

taehyung furrowed his
brows with fury.

"then they're incompetent
and incapable of human
emotion. let them burn in
hell for not appreciating
someone in pain."

"you say that so easily
but it's true no matter
what i do, people think i'm
quiet and weak." the smaller
clenched his fists at his side,
nails biting into his skin with
anger.

"being reserved has nothing
to do with being fragile, darling."

he wished it were that simple.

"he meant... so much to me."
he let out a shaky exhale into
his chest, nose brushing the
fabric of his shirt pocket as
he rested his hazy head.
"i found my passion though him.
my inspiration. he made me feel
so strong and sure of myself
at such a young age,
he was my strength
and now he's gone,
everyday i feel myself
deteriorating and my work
getting worse and worse
and i never feel good
enough, i never feel like i'm
satisfied with myself, and my
pieces and everything i put
effort into."
god, what was he doing?
his words.. they were coming
so fast. they spilled from his
mouth so quickly, he couldn't
stop them.

he didn't want
to stop them.
he wanted taehyung
to hear.

taehyung didn't interrupt.
he didn't intervene, he didn't
ask anything at all and jeongguk
appreciated that so fucking
much, something
jumped in the pit of his chest
at the mere thought of the man's
appreciation for him, his respect.

it was endearing.

"he sounds like a
wonderful man."

"he was." jeongguk breathed,
voice dripping with sadness.

his grandfather was his
everything. the man that
taught him and nurtured him
and raised him to adore himself
and his talent that he so weakly
possessed. he told him to hold
his head of high and move forward
without a care in the world with
the courage and strength that he
was there by his side. that he'd be
there forever. his words rang through
his head, long after he had passed,
long after everyone had forgotten
and discarded of him like a distant
memory. he was so good. a kind,
caring man.

"he'd carry me on his
shoulders, mr kim." the boy
said shakily, lashes fluttering
shut as he stood, reminiscent
of the blurred lines of his
past. "he carried me on his
shoulders at the top of the
hill near the edge of town and
i could have sworn..."

he bit his lip.

"i could have sworn i
saw the whole world
from there." he cried.
"with him at my side."
his voice shook with
dread.

"and now he's gone,
i feel like nothing.
like i'm pathetic and
i can't achieve everything
i wanted to. it's been so
long and i should be over
it but i'm not and i don't
think i ever will be.
i feel so overwhelmed."

"you are anything but
pathetic, jeon jeongguk."
his teacher replied sternly.

"i am." he grumbled.
he was pathetic for crying
like a newborn child, he
was pathetic for doing
it in front of mr kim,
in front of a grown man.
ugh, he'd just ruined things
once and for all.

"i beg to differ, sweetheart."

jeongguk sniffed.

"why would i be so
concerned about you
if i didn't see something in
you?" a hand shifted on the
small of his back.

jeongguk had never
felt so small in someone's
arms before.

it was different than what
he'd imagined.

why was mr kim even concerned
with him in the first place?
it made no sense at all.

"why would i waste my time,"
he chuckled lowly. "if i didn't
think you were incredible."

"i'm not-"

"ggukie." he brought two
large hands up to cup his
small face in his palms,
bringing him back so
his stare was level, so
he could see the fierceness
I'm his gaze. "you are so
much. so, so much in this
world. don't ever think
otherwise."

"you tell me things
that i would never
expect, that i could never
predict. things that only make
sense to you yet you allow me
to attempt to comprehend it.
it's breathtaking. the way
you see things."

what did he mean?
his heart thumped in his
chest.

"you see things in a
way that i never could
and for that, i cannot
explain my admiration.
i can't tell you how special you
are, how much you never
fail to amaze me with that
brilliant tongue of yours."

he was burning.

what was happening?
good lord.

"m-mr kim?"

"even i didn't know.
i couldn't look past things,
i couldn't decipher it and it
angered me so much. and then
you just.." he paused, thumb
brushing his cheek. "you just
cracked it without a second
thought."

decipher what?

"what do you mean?"

"you." he breathed.
taehyung's lips broke
into an incredulous smile.
"you, jeongguk."

him?

what ever did he mean-

"i knew about anne lister
and her portrait long
before i even met you." he
mused.

the teen felt his heart stop.

"there was a picture of it
in one of my university seminars.
it was a year or so ago.
i never
knew that something
could fascinate me so much."
he tucked an ebony
lock behind the teen's ear.
jeongguk wasn't breathing.

he just watched him.

silent.

"i knew then and there that
i had to visit her, i had to know
what this was all about and when
i did, you can guess my
disappointment
when she wouldn't tell me." his
laugh was nothing but a gentle
rumble in his chest. "she said, 'look
past what you see, look around. look
for what you will never find'," a smile.

"then and only then would i
find my interpretation. she told
me that she appreciated me
for being so passionate towards
my goal but i was never satisfied,
jeongguk. i was never satisfied with
what i saw. i had to know
what it was truly about. she was
a brilliant woman, i could
listen to her speak for a century
but she confused me. how was
i supposed to look for things I'd
never find?" he furrowed his brows.
but a second later, his expression
softened. his irises twinkle.

"i found you, sweetheart."

"mr kim, i-" he was breathless.
jeongguk was breathless.
he couldn't comprehend this,
any of this at all.

"i don't just admire your
perception. i adore it."
he whispered.

the boy's heart fluttered.

"she lives in ypres."

"belgium." the teen gasped
softly.

oh god.

mr kim only nodded.

"her father's grave is
in passchendaele, she
wanted to be closer to
him after his death."
why did this make so
much sense?

"i want you to tell
her yourself, darling."

"but mr kim-"

"no buts, i've already
spoken to your mum."

holy shit.

"i can't accept this,
this, this is too much, i-"

"you're coming and
that's final." he deadpanned.
not a moment later, he lowered
his voice. soft and calm.
"please." he whispered.

jeongguk couldn't
think straight, he simply
couldn't. every part of his
body stood solid with
disbelief.

mr kim had-

jesus.

"yes."

_______

YOU'RE INSECURE
YOU'RE INSECURE-

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