I spend a lot of time away. In places that aren't my home, or where most people wouldn't look to find me, and sometimes, in a seemingly different world entirely. I don't know if I'm running or hiding or lost or simply just exploring. Maybe it's all of the above or maybe it's none of it.

I'd ask a shrink if I still had one.

The reality of the matter is that I'm clueless on human behavior, and even though I inhabit this body and occupy this brain, there are still plenty of things I don't know or will never truly understand. Humans are complexities, and I am not someone patient enough to figure them out.

What I do know is that sometimes being alone is nice. And that sometimes being alone and a stranger to your surroundings is even better. It makes me feel a little more detached, which is probably the opposite of a good thing, considering. But when life gets a little too harsh and a little too real, it's nice to pretend I don't have to deal with any of it. I just come here and sit back and bide my time like some background extra in a movie, view the scene and under no obligation to act on it. I just have to exist. Fantastic, really.

It's not like I hate my own life or that I'm entirely against human company, because that's certainly not the case. Humans need humans; that's inescapable. We were creatures created to depend on other people, and I've been painfully aware of the fact for ages.

But that doesn't mean that I want to be spending every moment with my loved ones. It gets overwhelming sometimes, to be around people who know you. They expect something you're not sure you can always give and they stare at you with the knowledge of who you are stored away inside them. Sometimes familiarity is heavy. Sometimes it gets too much.

So I leave.

My mother doesn't realize, my siblings don't often care, my father isn't even in the state, and my friends notice I disappear for hours at a time but they know that I have a busy schedule anyways, so they never question what it is I'm doing. I don't know if I want them to ask or not. I can't make up my mind about whether I want them to be concerned about my existence or leave it alone entirely for moments like these.

The muffled bustling of people I can only vaguely hear beyond my earphones, the smell of constantly brewed coffee, the warm tones of the brick and flooring, the strangers that litter these four walls; The environment of a world that's not really my own, of a place that has never once been for me.

When I was younger, being in new places and being new in general was always something I hated; It meant I was getting the type of attention I'd never wanted or asked for. But it's different here, when I'm choosing to be anonymous.

Getting a choice always makes it different.

I click into a another browser on my laptop as my left hand reaches for my coffee cup, feeling the heat radiate through my digits, pleasant and comforting and familiar. Caffeine in the middle of the day is probably not the best thing for me, and not something most who are close to me would approve of, but at I need the extra kick for homework.

Sleep will just have to suck my dick.

I startle slightly when a body moves into my line of vision, almost knocking into the table while he tries to avoid the incoming customers. It's getting into lunchtime, and the place is already filling up, seats being taken and people filing in. I guess I chose a pretty popular cafe, and I hadn't even realized it. I'll be leaving soon, though; I don't like fighting in the crowd for a decent amount of space.

I settle my cup and check my sandwich plate (long empty now) to make sure it hasn't tipped over, going back to my laptop. Packing up now would be a smart move.

"Can I sit here?"

I look up suddenly, the recently refilled coffee cup pausing before my lips, the lid just barely grazing my skin. I want to drown myself in the scent it's giving off and the promise of more energy and more time and more productivity but...

I lower my cup, force myself to grin politely as I stand. "Of course," I say, gathering my things. "I was just on my way."

The other party falters for a moment, a few words stuttered out, as if they're trying to stop me. "Oh—um—I didn't mean—you can sit," he finally decides, and I pause in my movements, look up. He's got an arm bent, hand rubbing at his neck—the universal sign for discomfort or awkwardness. Or perhaps disappointment. Depending. "It's just busy right now with the rush. We could share; I'm sure there's room for the both of us."

I tilt my head a little, considering this boy in front of me, looking at the timid way he grins that eludes to something more boyish, more mischievous. He's got the kind of hazel eyes my best friend, Emi would absolutely kill for, and the kind of jaw I'd envy. And a teenage boy that can actually dress himself rather fashionably? A rarity in this town.

I almost stop myself. Almost accept the offer and sit back down and order some more food just to have a reason to stay. Part of me wants to; the part that's supposed to be an average teenager that indulges in regular teen life. That part of me wants sit down across from the cute boy and hope for something to happen.

"It's okay," I decline, smiling kindly so he doesn't think me rude or that it's anything about him. "I really need to go," I say, glancing at the time on my phone as I pick it up. "But thank you," I say finally, packing my laptop into my bag and turning for the door, clutching both hands around my coffee, as if the action is what's keeping me from fraying on my edges.

A part of me pings, mourning the lost opportunity. When was the last time I'd bothered getting a boyfriend? When was the last time a boy hadn't bored me? But that didn't mean I shouldn't try, that I can't be some regular teenager with a crush over a guy.

But I didn't come here to become acquainted with strangers. I don't come here to find new anchors and chains. I like to be a drifting soul.

So I walk out of the cafe and don't look back.

Because why would I really have any reason to?