ethan

"Come on, Ethan, have some fun!"

Amy dragged Mark out onto the courtyard where the DJ was busting up a storm of interesting music to dance to. Most people were dancing. There was an excellent distraction of food trucks parked around us that could cause some to not dance, though. I appreciate food more than embarrassing myself in front of others.

"I'm fine sitting-"

"Nope."

I looked up as Tyler stood up from our picnic blanket, extending his hand to me as he smirked.

"You're not making me dance."

Tyler rolled his eyes, stooping down and pulling me over one of his shoulders, standing with my torso thrown over his back.

"I can, however, carry you to the dance floor and leave you there."

I slumped as Tyler carried me until we met with Amy, Mark, and Kat dancing, Tyler setting me down despite my protest to take me back.

"Just have fun!"

I groaned and looked around. Amy was dancing with Mark (who was being extremely dumb), Kat was dancing and talking to her other friends who were nearby, and Tyler was kind of dancing.

If you could call it that.

Tyler grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, but not that close. A friendly distance if you will.

An unfamiliar song played over the speakers, Amy, Kat, and Tyler all jumping up and down freaking out over their love of it. Mark was just as confused as I was.

"What song is this?"

"Love me by The 1975!" Tyler's horrible dancing seemed to fit the song nicely. "Dance with me, you Debbie Downer!"

I nodded and laughed as Tyler tried to dance like he was cool or something, making him stop and pull me into his horrible dancing with him. I kept laughing as he spun me and did some cheesy 60's style dancing.

"I heard that they're letting people go up and sing on the stage." Tyler and I look over to Amy and Mark as they join us. "Ethan, you should go up there-"

"NO."

Tyler looked back at me with a confused shock.

"I didn't know you could sing."

"I can't."

Amy rolled her eyes.

"Yes, you can. And you're going to go up and show us what you've got, bro!"

"Fine, so what if I can sing, what song would I even do?"

They were silenced in thinking for a little bit before Amy pulled me aside.

"Sing something for Tyler-"

"What?! No!"

"Please? For me?"

I wasn't going to get myself out of this.

-

"Alrighty, love birds, we're going to hear from one of our own! Ethan Nestor is going to take it down a notch so grab your beloved dance partner and hold em' close."

The announcement of me going onto the stage only made my nerves worse, but I made eye contact with Kat and Amy as they moved closer to the stage and their smiles helped a little. Mark and Tyler were trailing behind them, Mark smiling as he did a gentlemanly pose to ask Amy to dance. It made me smile.

The beginning of the song came to me as a surprise, I cleared my throat before taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. Looking at all the people that were listening would only make me more nervous.

"I never feel like this,

I'm used to emptiness in my heart,

and in my arms.

You're not what I'm not used to.

You keep me guessing with the things that you do.

I hope that they're true..."

I made an effort to not think about what people were thinking about my singing abilities. It mostly worked. One opinion stuck in my mind, though. I hoped Tyler was liking what he was hearing. I hoped he got the message of the song that I chose.

"Cause I'm never gonna heal my past,

If I run ever time it starts,

So I need to know...

If I'm in this alone...

Come on baby, say it first.

I need to hear you say those words

If I'm all that you desire, I promise there'll be fire.

I need to hear you say it first.

Come on, baby,

Do your worst,

I know you'll take me higher.

So, come on, darling

If you love me, say it first."

I managed to push myself to open my eyes and look at the crowd in front of me.

A lot of people had decided to come and dance, which made my heart happy. What also made my heart happy was Amy and Mark dancing with each other. I could only aspire to be in such a loving relationship like the one they have. That's the work of whatever figures out who our soulmate is. They are so perfect for each other, it makes me wonder how their lives would be like if they never got to meet. Maybe if we weren't lucky enough to live in this time period, if we lived in the 1940s and your soulmate died in combat and you were left to never meet them. I wouldn't know what to do if Tyler died.

"I know you're right for me

But I'm waiting for everything in your world

To align with my world.

I think of you while I sleep.

I dream of what we could be if we grow,

Together unfold.

'Cause I'm never gonna heal my past

If I run every time it starts.

So, I need to know,

If I'm in this alone.

Come on, baby, say it first.

I need to hear you say those words.

If I'm all that you desire, I promise there'll be fire.

I need to hear you say it first.

Come on, baby,

Do your worst,

I know you'll take me higher.

So, come on, darling,

If you love me, say it first"

Maybe my fear was irrational. I mean, I'm apart of an accepting world, my parents are only specs of a huge mass of people who think differently than they do. Andrew would be so angry if he knew what I was doing. He would yell at me for not letting myself have a nice life, for not letting myself be happy for once.

But, how would people react after I've been hiding it for so long?

Mark would probably be excited as Kat would be, that their friends can finally be together. But, Tyler.

I wouldn't know how to react to someone keeping something like that away from me. He has a right to know, I'm taking away his happiness too. He might not be able to forgive me for I've done.

"Say it First.

I need to hear you say those words

If I'm all you desire, I promise there'll be fire.

I need to hear you say it first,

Come on, baby,

Do your worst,

I know you'll take me higher.

So, come on, darling,

If you love me, say it first."

I dropped the mic from my mouth and let it hang in my hand as the music played out, people started looking up at me and clapping which made me smile. I took a small bow and thanked the guy for letting me sing, blushing at the roar of people yelling and clapping.

Once I managed to get through the sea of people who were saying nice things to me, I accepted the hugs from my friends.

"You are so good, man!"

Amy and Kat gave me a big hug when I got to them.

Mark gave me a big grin and two thumbs up, saying "You sound just like him."

"That is the nicest compliment I've ever received- T-Thank you."

Tyler pulled me into a hug and told me he loved hearing me sing. I hugged him a little tighter because he made me blush madly.

"The midnight count down will start in a few minutes, make sure to grab your New Years kiss beforehand so you don't miss out!"

The DJ guy smiled as the people started cheering.

"Hey, I'm going to grab a jacket-"

"You're going to miss the countdown!"

Tyler smiled at Kat's concern, assuring her that he'd be back in time. He grabbed my arm and motioned for me to come with him.

"What?"

"Come with me."

"Okay?"

Tyler and I ran into our dorm building, Tyler leading me up to the stairs to our room, opening our door. He was out of the room before I could even step foot into it.

"Come on!"

Tyler nodded to the door to the roof, making me confused, but I followed anyway. When we got to the top, I could see all of our friends dancing and laughing, sad that I wasn't there with them.

"Tyler, why are we up here?"

He set his phone on the brick where I was standing as I turned around, pulling me closer to him as a song blasted from his phone. I was surprised it mostly drowned out the other music playing.

"Freckles form a line around your face,

And I get lost when I try to find my way.

When I start to tumble down.

Pick me back up off the ground."

Tyler outstretched his hand to me, similar to that way Mark did to Amy, my body not knowing what to do. I let my shaking hand take his, Tyler smirking and giving me his jacket before we started dancing. It was way too big for me but it was still cozy.

"Teardrops boiling in a pot of gold

And we'll drink up 'til we're wrinkled and we're old.

We can always fly away,

I mean every word I say."

Tyler pressed our foreheads together as I slowly moved my arms to rest around his neck. My heart was fluttering from the way Tyler was pulling me as close to him as possible. I thought back to watching Mark and Amy dancing, wondering if Tyler and I looked like that. I smiled at the reaction Amy would be having to our dancing.

"Ever think, what if we never met?

You love me, but you don't know it yet.

Everything is just an accident,

A happy accident."

How would my life be if I never met Tyler? Would I have slipped back into my depression? When Andrew left, I didn't know how to handle my life. I was so alone, I had no one to turn to. My world was so dark.

But, when Tyler came into my life, there was this light that he brought. I had never experienced that level of happiness in my entire life. Even before we became whatever we are, I enjoyed being around him. He has the cutest laugh in the entire world. He has such a caring heart. His way with words can make my heart break or cry from the pure emotion he puts into speaking. He's so intelligent, yet he can be literally the dumbest person that's ever lived. He's so perfect.

"Limbo and we going lower still,

And we plan love, put it on a windowsill.

And another time and place,

When I never even had the chance to see your face."

I pulled away to look at Tyler, trying to get the courage to tell him that I'm his soulmate. The smile on his face, the look in his eyes when he looked at me, the way he was unconsciously leaning closer to me when I pulled away, all broke me from the inside out. I couldn't do it. I can just imagine how angry he would be if I told him. He's so important to me, I couldn't put him through that. How am I going to live this lie of not having a soulmark? I can't do it forever.

And I want to be with Tyler forever.

I have to tell him.

"Ever think, what if we never met?

You love me but you don't know it yet.

Everything is just an accident.

A happy accident."

I hugged Tyler, my heart breaking as I thought of possibly losing him. Soulmates don't do this to each other. If I could go back in time- No, I can't say that. I love Tyler, so much, but there are things I would fix before fixing us. Maybe I'm not Tyler's soulmate. Tyler's soulmate would've told him before they were even to this point. Tyler's soulmate would be better looking than me, 'cause I'm not attractive whatsoever. Tyler's soulmate would be good enough for him.

"If I never laid eyes on, would I feel something missing?

If you never laid eyes on me, would you know something's gone?

I don't think that we'll ever know, let's just live in the afterglow.

Let it go, just let it go."

Maybe I'm meant to mess up this badly. Maybe Andrew was supposed to leave so I would fall into an inescapable depression just so Tyler could save me. Maybe he won't get angry if I tell him. I really wish that those thoughts were comforting me, but it was just making me panic worse. This song, Tyler was playing it for me because he thinks of me when he hears it. And I'm standing here having a mild existential crisis when his meaning was supposed to be romantic.

"What if we never met?

You love me but you don't know it yet.

Everything is just an accident.

A happy accident.

A happy accident.

A happy accident."

Tyler pulled away from me, smiling at me, making me smile back at him. I really loved being in that moment with him, I shouldn't have to worry about all the things that I was. We should be able to do this in public, without the fear of people figuring out that there's something going on between us. God, I've really messed up.

"Tyler, I-"

"TEN! NINE! EIGHT!"

Tyler jumped with excitement at the countdown, taking me so we could see the crowd better.

"Tyler I really need to tell you-"

"FIVE! FOUR! THREE!"

"Tyler-"

Tyler pulled me into a breathtaking kiss, rendering me unable to focus on anything as his arms wrapped around me. I pushed out all of my worry for those few seconds, enjoying the fact that he went through this entire plan to make New Years special for us. My fingers dug under his beanie, nearly knocking it off as we kissed maybe a little longer than most do on New Years.

After a few minutes, both of our phones rang to life with texts from our friends, concerned for our safety. We had to end our romantic time for the night.

"Tyler..." He looked up at me from responding to Mark. "Thank you for doing this, I loved it."

"You're welcome."

Tyler went to open the door, my mind wracking if I should still tell him.

"Ethan, you okay?"

No.

I'm not okay.

I'm ruining your life.

"Yeah, I'm fine."