ethan

"We have to make the decision today, bud..."

Tyler was sitting in my drab hospital room all alone. He was a wreck, both physically and mentally. I couldn't sit still when he couldn't sleep. He would just sit there and wait for me to wake up, admiring me, playing with my hair, anything that would make him feel closer to me. Not being able to be with him felt like the most selfish thing that I could ever do, even though I couldn't do anything about it.

Tyler had been playing around with his guitar for a few minutes before he just started playing, taking me off guard with a song I never expected him to play.

"Feel it heavy in my bones now.

Feel like everybody goes out.

And smiles for the 'gram yeah

Tried but I can't.

Prayer in the shape of Prozac.

Try to medicate the lows that

Come and meet me in the night time.

I'm losing track of my time."

I was angry that he chose this song.

The words in this song expressed feelings I never wanted him to feel. I knew exactly what was going on in his head and I was scared that he was broken down to this. Where was the Tyler I fell in love with?

Where was that boy?

"Mama said gonna be alright

But mama don't know what it's like in my mind.

Mama said that the sun gonna shine

But mama don't know what it's like to want to die."

It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and was dangling in front of me.

I was living my worst nightmare.

It took me back to that horrible night when Tyler didn't come home. When I was helpless and couldn't do anything to prevent him from leaving me. I couldn't do anything to help him when he felt like this.

I wanted with all my might that he never felt this kind of pain.

He doesn't want to sleep. He doesn't want to eat. He doesn't want to speak. He doesn't want to laugh or smile or do anything that makes him who he is. He's lost the glint in his eyes that made him that happy-go-lucky guy I fell in love with.

He's a shell.

I don't know who I'm looking at anymore.

"I can't carry this anymore.

Heavy from the hurt inside my veins.

I can't carry this anymore.

Wonder what it's like to be okay."

His voice would break from time to time, it was painful to listen to.

His fingers would slip off the fret because of how badly they were shaking.

His agony was the most tear-jerking sight to see.

"Oh, Mama said gonna be alright

But mama don't know what it's like in my mind.

Mama said that the sun gon' shine

But mama don't know what it's like to want to die."

Tyler tried to hide the tears that slipped down his face like he was embarrassed I would see.

I wanted nothing more than to hug that beautiful man, but I was stuck with just watching him fall apart.

"I can't carry this anymore.

Heavy from the hurt inside my veins.

I can't carry this anymore.

Wonder what it's like to be okay."

I noticed glistening tears on my own face when he was singing, confused as to how the hell that could happen.

He was barely able to finish the remaining chords, he couldn't look at me for a few seconds.

"Ethan, if you want," Tyler lost his ability to speak. His words were gone, only saved by the last of his courage pulling them back for a few more sentences. "If you want to die, I accept it. I can't imagine what you're going through and, if you want to give up, you can. I won't be angry if you decide to leave. I love you."

He had to take a few seconds to just let it all out. I've seen him cry so many times but this time was different.

These tears weren't from sadness.

He was angry.

He couldn't do anything.

He was studying to be a medical professional but yet he couldn't help the person he loved the most.

There was nothing he could do other than wait for me to maybe wake up or die.

All he could do was cry, sleep, and think.

I know how dark your thoughts can get when you're left with just them.

When he was somewhat together, he finally saw what was freaking me out. He looked up at my heart monitor and was shocked by the increased activity. The longer the pain sat on his face, the worse I got. Tears started to drip down my real face, my real lungs were having spasms of not being able to work, my real heart was skipping and it was so fucking painful.

Tyler grabbed the remote to call in a nurse with shaking hands, pressing the button more times than necessary.

A kind nurse walked in and saw the scene, her smile falling and calling for my doctor.

I knew this situation was my fault and I needed to calm the fuck down so Tyler doesn't break even more.

Doctor Adams walked in, his face emotionless as he tried his best to figure out what was wrong.

"His heart is skipping, go get the defibrillator!"

He did some quick check-ups on my body to make sure nothing else was going wrong, I knew I had to stop crying or something bad was going to happen.

I thought back to the night that Tyler didn't come home, wincing at the memory of most of it, trying to find Amy and Mark in this horrific string of madness.

Amy's hands were so warm, like my mom's. Her voice was calm and took the pain away.

Mark's arms were so stable. I felt like I was constantly falling and he was there to grab my hand and pull me to safety.

Kathryn knew just what to say when I started panicking. The valiant warrior to my dark thoughts that I am forever thankful for.

"How is he?"

"He's returned to normal conditions, thankfully." Doctor Adams turned to Tyler with sorrowful eyes. "I don't want anymore pain for either of you-"

"I'm going to talk to his parents about it. I'll let you know..."

He squeezes Tyler's shoulder before leaving with the nurse.

There wasn't much to do until everyone else got there.

The silence was deafening.

Tyler somehow lost more of himself with every passing second of it.

Mom and Dad were the first to show up, Amy and Mark and Kathryn not far behind them.

"The doctor said there isn't much we can do for him now..." Tyler was in pain as he spoke. Mark tried his best to help. "He doesn't want to put Ethan through any more pain."

"What will we do?"

Nothing is more heart wrenching than watching your parents try to plan out what to do when you're going to die.

They've already lost so much.

I'm all they have left.

"Taking him off Life Support is the best way to let him pass peacefully."

Silence hung in the room.

No one wanted to say anything.

There was nothing to say.

What would you say at a time like this?

Sitting in a room, your friend, son, soulmate just laying there and delaying the inevitable.

What is there to say?

A knock tore my attention away from the group, Andrew walking into the room.

"Get out. I don't want to leave."

"I know you don't. I was just checking up to see if you changed your mind." Andrew was disappointed that I wasn't coming with him. This is what I've wanted ever since he left, yet I'm pushing it away every chance I get. "I want the best for my little brother. You deserve to be happy with Mom and Dad and Tyler and your amazing friends."

I smile, realizing how much I do have, even if Andrew isn't there with me.

I can't believe I've managed to find three amazing, goofy, hilarious friends that do this much for me. They put their entire life on hold to sit in a room and spend time with me. They will drop everything to come and help me, drive me to the hospital if necessary. They aren't afraid of fighting for me, yelling at anyone just to make sure that I'm okay. They make me feel normal. They make me feel comfortable. They make me want to be myself. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I somehow repaired my relationship with my dad without even saying a word. He was willing to try and understand me. He was willing to listen to the people in my life and give me a second chance. He was willing to be my dad again. I realized how much I had missed him when he was finally back to the way he was.

I've been blessed by whatever the fuck puts these names on our wrists when we're 13 with the man that I love. He's always the person that makes me laugh or smile. He's the stability that I've been searching for my entire life. I've managed to sort through all the fucked up stuff of my past to find the person that's been waiting to bloom, all thanks to him. He's never judged who I am, not for a second. He loves me, through and through, and I've learned to love myself through this rickety ride of falling in love with him.

"I can't leave them."

"I don't want you to." Andrew hugs me, I try to take in every single detail of being with him. I'll never get to see him again, not for a long time anyway. I didn't want to let go, but I knew I had to. "Don't worry, I'll be up in the clouds watching over you. I can't wait to see the good my little bro can put into this world."

I smile, taking comfort in him wiping tears off my face.

"By the way, I met her." I was shocked that he just dropped that on me. "She's beautiful. Cancer might have taken her away from this beautiful world but I think she's happier now. She likes watching what her family gets up to, we like to watch her niece play around too."

"I'm glad, Andrew..." He wipes more tears off my face, chuckling at me trying to gather myself again. "I'm such a mess."

Commotion starts playing up in the hallway, Andrew pulling me away from the traffic as doctors start rushing into my room. I hadn't heard the racing beeps from my heart monitor.

"What's going on?"

Andrew calmed my panic quickly, smiling at me.

"You're going home." He ruffles my hair one last time, kissing my forehead before stepping away. "Say hi to mom and dad for me. Be good, okay? I love you, Ethan. I'm so proud of you."

"I love you too..."

He waves before disappearing into thin air.

I have no time to think about Andrew, screaming and crying grabbing my attention, making me run to see my heart failing and doctors desperately trying to save me.

"Again."

My doctor's calm composure is starting to deteriorate. I had no idea how many times he had been trying to shock me back to life, I'm surprised I didn't feel it.

"Again."

The nurses around him traded glances, giving up on me as my doctor yelled for another charge.

The scene around me was heartbreaking. Mom couldn't handle watching this happen in front of her, Dad was crying as he hugged her.

Amy dug her head into Mark's shoulder as he held back tears looking at me. The only thing she could do was lean against him and cry, Mark tried his best to comfort her.

Tyler was hunched over his knees, hands holding his teary face as Kathryn rubbed his back, tears streaming down her face.

"AGAIN!"

"Doctor Adams, he's experienced 5 shocks, he's gone-"

"I SAID AGAIN!" He would not give up on me. "I did not save his life five years ago for nothing! AGAIN!"

The nurses were alarmed by his yelling but they did what they were told. I began to worry as one started looking at her watch while they tried to bring me back.

Just as Dr.Adams was going to administer the 7th shock, a hand grabbed my shoulder.

I jolted in fear, seeing a beautiful white porcelain figure standing behind me, a smile on their face. They held out their hands, gesturing for me to give them mine. They closed their eyes, holding my hands gently. They took a deep breath before opening their eyes and looking at me.

"It is not what you are that holds you back, it is what you think you are not."

My eyes shot open.

Everything was fuzzy and loud and it hurt like hell.

"He's awake!" Dr.Adams had this smile on his face that was so full of happiness, it was immeasurable. "Ethan, you have been in a coma, you're okay, try to stay calm and we'll take all this off of you."

I nodded, wincing as he started taking out the tube that ran down my throat.

I tried moving my hand, getting nothing more than a few fingers moving, angry that I couldn't touch Tyler. There was nothing more that I wanted at that moment other than to feel the warm hands that belonged to the hottest guy on the planet.

"You might be a little uncomfortable. Are you alright, do you need anything?"

"Tyler..." My voice was barely above a whisper, I could barely speak for some reason.

Dr.Adams bent down and tried to hear what I said. "Tyler..."

He nodded, making sure I was alright before getting him.

I managed to look where Tyler was sitting, smiling at the fact that I was actually there and he could see me and hear what I said. I would go through years of pain just to be able to be with him.

"Ethan would like to see you. Please be gentle, he's still adjusting to the world around him."

Tyler nodded, rushing to my side with the biggest smile I've ever seen.

"I love you. I love you so much. I love you. Please never leave me."

He kissed my palm and my soulmark and my forehead, anything that he could. I couldn't get many words out, but I tried my best.

"Love you...Never leave you..."