ethan

"It's going to be fine."

Tyler squeezes my hand and tells me that statement for the 20th time that day, my brain trying to catch up with the real world, too busy overthinking every future interaction I'm about to have with my father. The man I haven't talked to in over a year, who belittled me for my entire teenage life.

"I hope you're right."

Tyler walks with me to the door, setting my stuff down on the weathered porch, the one that I used to hide from because people would see me and know that I was a mistake, the one that my dad would never let me be on.

My hand stopped millimeters away from the deep red door in front of it, shaking as I took a deep breath, reluctantly letting my fist hit the wood. The footsteps that ensued after knocking sparked fear in me, a plan of how I could escape and calculating how fast I could sprint if I started right at that moment. My calculations and plan were cut short as the door opened, my throat running dry with fear as I tried to greet the man in front of me.

"Hello, Ethan."

"Hi-Hi, Dad."

"Hm, still have that stutter I see." Dad looked me up and down, moving his cold eyes to Tyler before moving back to me. I've never felt anything more than judgment from those eyes. All I could see was the words that he was holding himself back from saying. "Mark, and you are?"

"Tyler Scheid."

The tension in my father's shoulders alarmed me, I was already redrafting my plan of escape after seeing it. I bit the inside of my cheek in the hope that he wouldn't say anything. Hoping that no horrible words come out of his mouth. Hoping that he doesn't do anything he regrets. Hoping he's the better man and lets all of this go.

"Nice to meet you, Tyler." He looks back to me, eyes holding the fire that I'm used to. The pent up rage that I've always seen. It scared me more than any horror movie could. "Never thought the day would come that I would meet you."

After Dad let us in, I quickly realized that Mom wasn't home. My phone flew out of my pocket, my fingers frantically typing a text to make sure that she was coming home that night. I couldn't stay at home alone with him. She needed to protect me, make sure nothing happens.

The time on the clock would never tick fast enough. The football game in front of me was boring my clouded brain as I begged my mom to get home faster. So the feeling of dread and fear would go away just for a few seconds.

Mom was my Wonder Woman, in her own way. She would never stand for anything negative my father had to say. She would comfort me and hug all the tears away. She even bought Andrew and me a bunk bed for my 14th birthday so I could feel safe at night. She did everything she could to make me feel better, to protect me, and to prevent any danger from getting in the way. The concealer that was originally stolen from her makeup would be replaced at the sight of a slightly empty predecessor. The lock on my door was the strongest in the house, and only she had the key, in a secret place that only she knew. A therapist that only she and I knew about, that she made swear to never tell my father about anything that we talked about, which he obviously agreed to. As far as my dad knew, I was doing gymnastics until I was 18, even though I quickly quit at a young age.

Andrew was like my Steve Rogers. An ear to listen, strong arms to comfort, and an impeccable ability to help when even I didn't know what was wrong.

"Sorry, I'm late!"

A depressing amount of weight was lifted off of my shoulders as I heard her voice smooth through the air.

"Mom!"

A hug from her was the most comforting gesture at that moment. Things bothering me fell away for a few seconds.

"So good to have you back, honey."

Her familiar perfume was extremely comforting. I hadn't grown more than a few inches since I left, I finally outgrew the title of the shortest in the family. She still took the time to ruffle my obnoxious blue hair, the day that I came home with it still etched in my head.

At the end of my senior year, I wanted to go out with a bang. I wanted to shock my peers and be remembered for at least something small. I got the dye, did it in a gas station bathroom, and laughed at my mom's reaction after I came home with a fresh blue mop on my head. I was the eye soar of the school until graduation, I was glad to not be so invisible.

"What's cooking for dinner?"

"Whatever you want, honey." Dad stood up and kissed her on the cheek, walking into the kitchen to prepare something for all of us. "What sounds good?"

"Why don't we order from Ethan's favorite Chinese place?"

Dad grabbed his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number like it was on the back of his hand. I might have been a disappointment to him, but at least he was nice 12 percent of the time. He had the decency to memorize my phone number and the number of the Chinese place that I like. He knows to make sure to ask them to make a fresh batch for me without any peanuts or peanut oil.

There's a little bit of space for me in his heart. He's a dad that can't look past those first 12 years of my life where he really did love me. I have tons of fond memories with him. If he only let that little space in his heart grow and flourish with anything other than hate.

"Tyler, what would you like?"

Tyler was in the kitchen at the mention of his name, arm draped around my waist as he thought, not catching the look that my dad was throwing our way. The unnerving fire in his eyes was back in an instant.

"Surprise me, I like all Chinese food."

The tension that hung in the room once we all sat down for dinner was breathtaking, and not in a good way. I felt like I couldn't breathe while staring at the white carton of teriyaki chicken and rice, cooked fresh without any trace of peanuts. Mom still made sure there was an EpiPen ready in case something went wrong.

"So, Tyler, what are you studying? Ethan hasn't told us much about you."

She was right. Mom was ecstatic to see Tyler sitting in the living room. She was just happy I had a friend. Then when he introduced himself, she had to contain herself from jumping up and down with excitement.

"I am finishing up my doctorate, actually. I'm currently working at the hospital near our college."

"What kind of doctor are you going to be?"

"A Cardiovascular surgeon."

Mom looked at me with a look I couldn't describe. I could tell the memory of the worst day of our lives was running around her mind, but I could see a glimmer of happiness that I found someone who would understand me.

"That's a noble profession, Tyler."

"Thank you." He looked at my father before continuing his statement. "When I was younger, I knew I always wanted to help people. When I got older, I learned that a Cardiovascular surgeon was one of the most important doctors out there, and the second I learned that I could be saving lives every day in that field of work, I knew that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I want to help those struggling. I want to save people's children, siblings, parents, friends, soulmates. I want to make sure people get their second chance when their first chance isn't what they deserved."

My dad had a look on his face after Tyler finished.

"What's up, Dad?"

He looks up at me, his face only getting more intense.

"I don't think everyone deserves a second chance."

"Why not?"

Tyler's calm, carefree attitude was quickly plummeting with this conversation.

"Some people just don't belong in this world, I suppose. Sometimes there's mistakes in the system-"

"MARK!" Mom's raised voice stunned all of us, my heart skipping a beat. "Can we not just have one nice family dinner!? For once?!"

"We are not a family."

Mom was silenced with tears. She was trying her best to keep herself together in front of me.

"Fuck you, Dad."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, FUCK YOU, DAD!" I threw my remaining food at him, thrilled at the anger that was melting into his features. "I'm finally happy for once in my horrible life and you have to come in and destroy it! Well, you know what? I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry that I'm a mistake! I'm sorry I don't have a female soulmate! I'm sorry I took away your son! IM SO FUCKING SORRY!"

I felt like I was floating with anger. The world around me was a haze. My brain was spinning a dark web of ideas that would normally scare me, but at that moment, there was no better offer.

I stood up and walked to where we always kept our car keys, smirking at the fact that Mom kept my keys in the exact same spot all these years.

My therapist said I should never drive unsupervised, just in case I start having a panic attack. I quickly ignored that advice and took the keys in my hand.

"Ethan, what are you doing?"

"I'm going for a drive."

Everyone's eyes widened, Tyler trying to grab my arm to prevent me from leaving, but no one could stop me at this point.

The door closed with a slam, the blue car that I took my brother's life with sitting in the garage, waiting for me to use it after a 5 year absence.

"Hello, old friend."

The commotion behind me meant nothing as I hopped into the driver's seat. I had to look where I was sticking the key, the usual familiarity of that action new to me. My car started up with a hum, surprising me that it still worked and had a full tank of gas. I chocked it up to my parents using it sometimes when they needed it and put the car into reverse without a second thought.

I saw my loved ones out of the corner of my eyes as I drove to the street, taking a quick glance as they all gawked at me before driving off.

Speed limit was a suggestion as I powered down the empty street, watching my speedometer climbing by the second.

You've been in this situation before.

Not being aware of your surroundings.

At least someone important isn't in this car.

It's just you.

Keep driving, coward.

Ignore your faults.

Ignore your flaws.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

Mistake.

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